Compliment Conundrum

I'm back from August's Match weekend, a bit on Cloud 9 as usual after I get to spend time with my boy.  We had been bickering and tense leading up to the trip, so I was a bit nervous, but we always end up reconnecting and bonding more closely than ever.  I think that after we've gone for about a month without seeing each other, we both tend to just get a bit cranky with the world, but we get over it as soon as we're together.  We celebrated our 2nd anniversary this month. It's hard to believe it's been that long now; time has flown! Usually when I'm around people I have a very specific amount of time set to spend with them and, even if I enjoy them, am glad to get back to my own space and routines.  With him, no amount of time is ever enough.  Okay I won't get too much into mushies on you, sorry.

I think I did okay with eating, not ideal some days but then really well others. Same ole same ole, I guess.  I let myself splurge and had a nice dinner a couple of cocktails the night we had our anniversary outing.  Earlier that day we did a nice long river hike and had a picnic lunch, and it just felt so, so wonderful to feel *normal.*  I wish I could bottle that and spray it all over myself on difficult days.

I have one problem that may get some eye-rolls for not being a real problem, but hear me out.  Match is very sweet and aware that I'm constantly body conscious/anxious, and so he tends to shower compliments on me: he'll tell me all the time that I'm pretty, I look nice in X, he loves X about my body, etc etc.  All of this is nice, and I won't claim that the constant positive reinforcement doesn't boost my confidence a little bit.

But in other ways, it spikes my anxiety. The main line of thought is that if likes me as I am now, I'm screwed if anything changes.  He likes this body that is a product of my current regimen, but if I relax that like I'm supposed to, then what happens?  Intellectually, I know he's not shallow enough to care, but in practice it still freaks me out.

One thing that helps me out is to know that early in our relationship I was at my lifetime peak weight, and he did not seem in any way less attracted to me at that time. Quite the opposite in fact  And he's told me that.  And I know he was concerned when I slipped to my current weight range about a year ago, he did tell me he preferred my previous size.  So I don't think he's got a thing for underweight girls, I think he's just got a thing for me and wants to try to make me more confident without realizing how anxiety-inducing compliments can be sometimes.

I've sort of addressed this with him.  I've told him that it's really not helpful if he uses any kind of diminutive adjective (small, little, tiny, etc) to describe me, because that makes me very self-conscious, and he immediately ceased any of that (although he hadn't done that much to begin with).

Anyway, I guess the main point is that compliments can be mixed blessings sometimes.  Anyone else have troubles with handling compliments and worrying about their implications?

I visited with my family on the way back from the Match trip, and spontaneously stayed an extra night, something that would have been UNTHINKABLE not too long ago.  And I ate family dinner with them both nights, without fixing myself a special separate meal, also rare.  Had a great time visiting with my parents and brothers, who, I have to say, are turning into pretty cool guys. And best of all, I HAVE MY DOG BACK! It's the longest I've ever had to leave him for, and I'm so glad now that he's back with me where he belongs.

Due to all of my traveling this summer, I haven't seen the new therapist in almost 2 months (I don't even remember what pseudonymous initial I assigned her, need to go back and check).  I have my first fall appointment with her tomorrow night.  I'm feeling a bit ambivalent.  My mood has been really good lately and I am feeling strong about a lot of things in my life at the moment.  At the same time, I've made really no progress on changing up my daily routines and rules (especially the exercise) or putting on weight, and I know I have a lot of work left to do.

I went from a dry spell of not getting feedback from PhD inquiries to being so swamped with professor correspondence that it's been putting me back on other writing projects.  I think I have a job opportunity hovering that could be a great back up and possible foot in the door for the future, and some other professional good news has come in lately as well.

Anyway, speaking of all of that, I need to get back to real life and get some things done.  I hope everyone is having a great week, love y'all.




(EDIT: I am still catching up on blogs from being out of town and just noticed that Leslie over at Health Breaks Loose also has a recent post on accepting compliments, see it here)