Volume Issues

It was a fairly uneventful weekend, I guess.  I've got tons, tons, tons of work to do now that summer traveling is over.  This semester I'm writing my thesis, presenting research at a conference, applying to PhD programs, taking the GRE subject test for Biology, doing lab work and writing up a side project unrelated to my thesis, and studying for/taking oral exams to qualify for my degree.  Should have plenty to keep me out of trouble, I guess.  I only need to take one more class to complete my requirements, and I'm still on the fence about whether to take it in the fall or spring. There's one I really want this semester, but it'll probably keep me saner to wait until the spring and take a different one.

I've been way sleepy and am not sure why. I randomly took a nap from 4:30-6 yesterday, something UNHEARD of for me, and then was dozing off again by 10:00.  And I had actually slept in almost an hour later than normal that morning.  I did lift weights the day before, maybe my body is wanting a break to rebuild muscle or something; I always napped during growth spurts when I was a kid. I am 99.9% sure this will never happen to me, but has anyone that recovered in their mid-20s or later actually grown height-wise as a result?  I am already taller than all the women on my mother's side of the family (a bit shorter than the women on my biological father's side), but I often wonder how my height was affected by going rock-bottom with anorexia during my final growth spurt at age 13.

I've been a good girl about getting back on track with eating since I've been here.  One eye-opener for me about how much I'd actually been restricting was the first time I cooked a "typical for at home" lunch for myself, and less than halfway into it I was seriously afraid my stomach was about to burst open because it wasn't used to handling that volume of food anymore. I literally had to sit for over 30 minutes before doing anything because I was afraid if I moved too much I'd throw up. Kind of frustrating.

Given all of that, my weight had only dropped a bit on the trip, probably somewhat from dehydration also, and is already back to pre-trip norm.  That's fine with me.

Back to the stomach-bursting issue, I sort of bring that on myself by still clinging to a couple of EDish behaviors: volumetric food choices and veggie-loading.  I can fit ridiculous volumes of food into a "calorie budget," so that what seems like huge servings can actually still only marginally meet my requirements.  Not something I'm proud of, but a habit I'm aware of the need to scale back on.  

It's also expensive, have you been in a grocery store lately? My food budget would plummet if I wasn't eating pounds of produce every day.  One caveat is that I've *always* been a fruit/veggie vacuum, as a kid, so I don't even always think of it disorderedly, even though I know that that is an underlying factor in my menu planning, of course.

I also still do things like picking up fat-free dairy products and light bread (although not always, have substantial bread and light stuff in my kitchen, the rules on what gets eaten when are too complex and inane/insane to really warrant explanation here). It's not because I don't want/need/allow as many calories as the full versions, it's just that I'm still in the deprived mindset of automatically choosing what gives me the most volume for a given amount of calories, so if I can eat 3 fat free yogurts for the calories of a full fat one, that's what I do, and something I need to change. It's not a "fat fear" issue, I know my body and brain need fat and that's not scary to me, it's more just a calorie tally game.

Of course I'm aware a lot of the serving sizes and nutrition facts are mind games and your stomach often isn't fooled by volume.  If a piece of bread or bowl of cereal has half the calories of an alternative version, chances are it weighs a lot less too, and by the time your stomach breaks it down and gets rid of the air and whatever else, you're still only half as full.  I've found the same thing with fruit: most fruits give me something to munch on but never actually fill me up, because my body is still always craving fat and protein.  And when I do treat myself to something full-version, I am AMAZED at how much better it tastes and more satisfying it is overall.  I <3 Ben & Jerry's, and I DON'T mean their fro-yo flavors. Other full version things I don't compromise on are things like peanut butter, avocados, dark chocolate, etc etc. Eden recently had a good post on that issue.

This got a bit rambly.  My main point was that now I eat enough calories in a day that I can still have good portions with non-trimmed/skimmed/scammed products, and I need to kick myself in the ass and realize that.  I hope this post isn't too behavior-y, I always worry about talking about specific habits, but I thought it might be an issue that a lot of people have but that may be more problematic than they sometimes realize.

It doesn't seem like a big deal when I'm by myself, but when I eat with other people it is pretty much impossible for me to get all the calories I need without eating way more food and taking several times as long for a meal as the people around me, which means I vastly undercut my energy intake in those situations.  If I just had a sandwich instead of the chicken salad with various fruit/veggies sides, the whole thing would be easier, but things can never be easy, it seems.  And I have nothing against sandwiches, I make them all the time at home, good substantial ones (my pumpkin/peanut butter waffle sandwiches will change your life), but I get self-conscious about eating things like that in front of others.  Add it to the interminable List of Things to Work On, I guess.

Oh I was a bit off when I said summer traveling is over: I'm driving up for the August Match visit on Wednesday! Miss my boy a lot, we haven't seen each other since the first week of July.  I'm also picking up my precious G., who has been staying with my parents since early June.  We won't tell Match which one of them I'm most excited about seeing... ;p

I hope everyone's week is off to a great start, love y'all!