Thursday Thoughts

I figured I should jump on the bandwagon with Thanksgiving narratives and musings.   I spent Turkey Thursday solo this year, due to a nasty flu thingy I appear to have picked up.   I probably could have survived the 5 hour drive to my grandparents' house, but I didn't want to expose them to my germs once I got there.  

In an earlier comment, Tiptoe asked how I feel about being on my own (although G. can't be discounted) for the holiday.  Actually I am fine with it.  I need to have solitude periodically, it helps me to recharge.  I had a relaxing day, overal.  I laid on the couch and watched a movie this morning (when was the last time I did that?  I can't remember), and in spite of my head feeling like it weighs about 15 pounds I got some much-needed work done on a paper this afternoon.  I was feeling well enough by about 4 to take G. for an abbreviated walk, and the weather was gorgeous.  By this evening I was feeling well enough  for some solid food, so I had butterscotch pudding and white-fudge covered Oreos for dinner (although still not sure if I will regret that later, the stomach is a little unhappy now).  I actually get much more genuine enjoyment out of a quiet, routine day than I do from the hustle and bustle of holiday travel.

The only thing I was definitely not fine with was guilt over not going to my grandparents' house.  I don't grieve my Thanksgiving, that's for sure, but I do regret any missed opportunity to see them.  We are extremely close, and I know they were very disappointed when I called yesterday to say I wasn't coming.  I hate disappointing anyone, but especially them. But then again, my grandmother just got over pneumonia, and I'd hate to reinfect her with something.   All day today I kept having sad mental images of them having Thanksgiving alone.  They had 7 kids, always a huge bustling household that was overflowing with excitement for every holiday, but now everyone has moved far away (I'm the closest, and it's a 5 hour drive) and they themselves aren't really healthy enough to travel.  

Side rant on Thanksgiving: It's like the entire nation has a love-hate relationship with the holidays, and it's a miracle that everyone, including Rudolph himself, doesn't develop an eating disorder after months of being exposed to alternating "here's how to cook this awesome food to gorge on" and "here's how to cleanse yourself of that awesome holiday food" messages blasting us from all angles of society.  I have never really "gotten" that, I guess I don't understand, people eat every day, do they really think a Thanksgiving meal is any worse for them than the beer and pizza or super-size McMeals that are consumed every day?  I guess I tend to look at it from a more objective/empirical viewpoint; maybe it's because I'm a scientist, or (more likely) just because I crunch dietary numbers every day.  There is lots of shock value in tallying up dishes and saying, oh, the average Thanksgiving meal has XXXX calories.  WHAT?  Are you serious? Hold onto your cross-trainers, girls, it's a gravy-soaked catastrophe!  But really, stop to think.  If the average person consumes ~2000 cals a day anyway, the 3000, 4000, whatever they have once in a while to celebrate a holiday isn't that much else, remember that tally is not adding that entire amount, the only extra is beyond what you normally would have eaten, XXXX MINUS 2000 or whatever you normally need to consume.  If someone habitually goes to the movies on the weekend and eats a large popcorn, well, that's a Thanksgiving meal every week, and they probably survive.  Ok, that's my mini-rant about how the media abuses both us and the holidays in general.

Ok, in spite of my attempts to be rational about it, you might have guessed that Thanksgiving isn't my favorite holiday.  But I have never had extreme anxiety over it, at least not over food.  My ED is not a secret, and my family handles it very well: the make sure there are "safe" foods on the menu, try not to make me feel like I'm under the spotlight, and focus more on the visiting with family than scrutinizing who does/doesn't eat what. That part is usually fine. The biggest stressor for me is usually just the change in routine that is required in order to travel to the nearest relative's house.  Exercise addiction is like this massive ball and chain wrapped around your life, and even the suggestion of having to miss a workout makes me more anxious that the most high-strung holiday hostess.  Luckily I can always take G. for a walk and make it a family thing by inviting people along, that doesn't replace my workouts but at least takes the edge off my anxiety.

I do tend to lose weight over the holidays.  Ok, "tend" is a little wimpy; I invariably drop weight between November and February.  Part of this is because I always end up over compensating when I have a change of routine.  I'm going to miss a workout on Thanksgiving?  Ok, I'll do double my exercise on Wednesday in addition to halving my calories for X days . . . Logic, logic, wherefore art thou, logic . . . Part of this is because I'm out of school for several weeks, and when I am not under pressure to perform it is incredibly easy to let recovery efforts fall by the wayside.  Third, I am a strong believer in Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I do tend to get pretty down and lose any appetite when Daylight Savings Time ends and darkness comes progressively earlier each evening.

I never sit down and strategize a relapse every winter, it just tends to happen.  I have talked to H. about this, and my goal this season is supposed to be to hang onto all of my newly accumulated mass throughout the holiday season.  I am going to try, but we'll see how it goes.  I don't know if it's just because I've been sick, but I've felt uberly gross and uncomfortable in my body over the past few days.  I haven't had any appetite because I've been sick, but I'm going to try to get back into my regular eating pattern again tomorrow, it's way to easy to let episodes like this readjust my settings for lower intake and lead to major ED slips.

As usual, this post is way longer than I originally intended.  I started out just talking about how I spent today and ended up spilling about my annual relapse cycle.  Does anyone actually read the entirety of these monstrous things?

In any case, I hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving, that you were able to relax and spend time with loved ones, and that you were able to take a little time to treat yourself like a loved one too.