So, yesterday I did a non-update post, today is an update post, I suppose.
Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I'm starting up therapy again, although in a different set-up than I've had before. I'm back with T, the last therapist I had during my Master's. I like her, and am so incredibly glad I'm not starting from scratch with a new person.
A few things are different. We're Skyping, and are only meeting twice a month (rather than weekly) since my current insurance gives me zero coverage for therapy and I'm paying 100% out of pocket.
Also, when I saw her before I was concurrently seeing a dietitian (who I LOVED and want back, but I can't afford her anymore). So D. covered most of the food and numbers talk, and with T. I talked more about just stresses, issues, concerns, and general life challenges. So now T is monitoring exercise, weight, etc more, which is a shift in dynamic. She has been surprisingly open about her own history with anorexia, and I always, always wonder if that's one reason she prefers to leave the food/numbers talk to D. when she can. But I have no qualms about her professionalism or the fact that she seems to have had a really thorough recovery (she just had a baby and I've never had any red flags that she's not over her own issues, unlike the first therapist I saw when I moved to Master's City).
We've had two sessions so far. One was sort of an update and "where do we go from here" session, and one was talking about how I hadn't adhered to the exercise goals we discussed in the first session. So there's that. I feel like being at my current weight has lost me the 'privilege' of talking about anything except food/exercise stuff. We always used to talk a lot about work stress, life goals (I was seeing her during the year I was applying to PhD programs), relationship stuff, etc, and I want that back. So I guess I have to get myself out of the weight doghouse first, or else it looks like I'm intentionally being avoidant about ED topics.
By the way, I was in Match City for about three weeks, and just got back to PhD Town a few days ago. I had a good visit with Match . . . our fourth anniversary is TODAY, and I feel like we're still getting better and better at this relationship thing all the time.
I really enjoyed Match and we have a good cohabitation dynamic at this point (a sign of how far I've come; when we first started dating I was still so food/exercise routine oriented that staying over for even a whole weekend would have been unthinkable, much less three weeks...). That being said, it was also nice to come back to my own space, run on 100% my own schedule, etc.
I have to be careful, though. PhD Town is at a pretty high elevation (higher than Denver), and for some reason my body goes into a monkish austerity mode for my first few weeks at altitude. My appetite shrivels up and dies to a degree that alarms even a veteran EDer, and I have trouble sleeping more than 3 hours a night. So that becomes a bit of a quality of life issue after a while . . .
Even when I'm not in altitude mode, I rarely sleep more than 5-6 hours a night when I'm alone. My body just refuses to stay dormant any longer than that. When I'm with Match, though, I can get 8-9 hours easily for a week+ at a time. No idea why.
Which is a good segueway to the fact that I'm increasingly aware of how much healthier I feel when I'm with him. I did gain a bit of weight back while I was there. When we're co-habbing I sleep more, I exercise less, and I eat more well-rounded meals (although I also drink more alcohol). I get roughly the same calories/day there, but at home I often don't feel like bothering to cook and for one meal a day I usually default to pulling out however many protein bars and yogurts (or, lets be honest, ice cream or cereal; I've never had hang-ups about junk food, just calorie totals) I need to meet my calorie mandate--a habit that used to drive D. absolutely nuts.
So now I'm home, left to my own devices, and am really trying hard to stay on track. I signed up to help a friend with some local fieldwork all week (the landscape and wildlife around PhD Town are UNBELIEVABLE), knowing that the times I'd be needed would interfere with my routine a bit and keep me from running before I should have. Classes start on Monday, so that will also give me something other than exercise to frame my day around. I guess it's sweet that I fall into healthier patterns when I'm around Match, but I don't like the image that creates of me being somehow dependent (NOT my style) and want to prove I can do it on my own too.
Feet/running update: They're slowly improving. I've run the same amount in the past month that I was doing in a week just prior to my feet going kaput. I'm trying really hard not to push it. As T. pointed out, if running is really that important for me and not ED-motivated, it's better to only run once a week or so and keep that going long-term than to "run yourself to death for a few months and then have to take several years off again." I concur, but it's tough.
So that's that, I guess. This is going to be a pretty intense semester, and I'm really trying to focus on keeping my priorities straight.
love y'all
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Slate Takes on Claims of 'Thin-Shaming'
So, I don't usually link to articles I see about the media wars, eating disorders in the news, etc, because I am afraid of triggering people and because it seems to just be a never ending issue (I feel like a treadmill analogy is appropriate here, but won't use it).
But I thought that Katy Waldman hit the nail on the head so incredibly well in this piece that I had to link to it. Clearly, Emma Woolf (the person who wrote the original op-ed post on the Daily Beast that the linked Slate essay discusses) is not over her eating disorder yet, and is doing some hand-waving (we've probably all done that, in our heads or in therapy, but not in this public of a sphere) about her views on issue about which a disease is still coloring her vision. That's my thought, at least.
Another thought, though, is that I'm probably not in a much different position from Woolf with the ED stuff right now: struggled for over a decade, doing better but not Better, fixing things but not Fixed. I won't claim that my views are 100% untinted by the ED at this point, either . . .
. . . But I was still appalled by the insensitivity of some of the things she said, and how she seemed to paint the world of overweight women as such a rosy sisterhood. I've been in those staff lunches where people comment on what you are/aren't eating, but I never attributed it to "thin-shaming." It's usually a cominbation of people being concerned and our culture being obsessed with talking about food and weight. Waldman astutely describes what I agree is probably the situation with Woolf:
"Rather than being a target of thin-shaming, she’s really a target of fat-shaming—her own. She’s internalized the voice that flows so freely and viciously through her article, the one whispering that flesh is “bad” and bone is “good,” the one telling readers all about the moral degeneration of the overweight and the virtuous beauty of the petite. She’s the bully she should be worried about."
I do think I understood parts of Woolf's op-ed better than Waldman did, though, and anyone who has had an ED probably would. For example, when Woolf said "I think everyone should know what anorexia feels like," I honestly do think she meant that people really often have no idea how painful and sinister and soul-deadening the disease can be, not that she thinks everyone should try it on like a cashmere sweater. But still, I have empathy for what she went/is going through with anorexia, yet was really bothered by the piece. I was glad that Waldman seemed to try to validate that having an ED is a terrible experience while still not cutting Woolf slack for her waaaay off-target statements about the state of society's views on women's bodies.
Those are my thoughts, at least, from my gut reaction after having read the piece five minutes ago. I'm interested to hear what y'all think if you have time to check it out.
There are no low weights mentioned in the Slate article or Woolf's pieces, by the way.
Katy Waldman, via Slate:
One Woman's Crusade to Make the World Safe for Thin People
And for a spunkier take-down, there's always Jezebel:
Thin Women, I've Got Your Back, Could You Get Mine?
Snip: "If a day arrives when our streets and internets are plastered with signs that say, "GAIN WEIGHT FAST!" and, "Use this one weird trick to load up on belly fat!" then maybe I'll buy this bullshit that fat bodies are celebrated. When women start eating themselves to death to avoid being called "Olive Oyl," then maybe I'll agree that thin-shaming has comparable repercussions to fat-shaming. When families gather around the Cambozola loaf to watch The Lumpiest Gainer, then maybe we can talk about how oppressive body-positivity is."
But I thought that Katy Waldman hit the nail on the head so incredibly well in this piece that I had to link to it. Clearly, Emma Woolf (the person who wrote the original op-ed post on the Daily Beast that the linked Slate essay discusses) is not over her eating disorder yet, and is doing some hand-waving (we've probably all done that, in our heads or in therapy, but not in this public of a sphere) about her views on issue about which a disease is still coloring her vision. That's my thought, at least.
Another thought, though, is that I'm probably not in a much different position from Woolf with the ED stuff right now: struggled for over a decade, doing better but not Better, fixing things but not Fixed. I won't claim that my views are 100% untinted by the ED at this point, either . . .
. . . But I was still appalled by the insensitivity of some of the things she said, and how she seemed to paint the world of overweight women as such a rosy sisterhood. I've been in those staff lunches where people comment on what you are/aren't eating, but I never attributed it to "thin-shaming." It's usually a cominbation of people being concerned and our culture being obsessed with talking about food and weight. Waldman astutely describes what I agree is probably the situation with Woolf:
"Rather than being a target of thin-shaming, she’s really a target of fat-shaming—her own. She’s internalized the voice that flows so freely and viciously through her article, the one whispering that flesh is “bad” and bone is “good,” the one telling readers all about the moral degeneration of the overweight and the virtuous beauty of the petite. She’s the bully she should be worried about."
I do think I understood parts of Woolf's op-ed better than Waldman did, though, and anyone who has had an ED probably would. For example, when Woolf said "I think everyone should know what anorexia feels like," I honestly do think she meant that people really often have no idea how painful and sinister and soul-deadening the disease can be, not that she thinks everyone should try it on like a cashmere sweater. But still, I have empathy for what she went/is going through with anorexia, yet was really bothered by the piece. I was glad that Waldman seemed to try to validate that having an ED is a terrible experience while still not cutting Woolf slack for her waaaay off-target statements about the state of society's views on women's bodies.
Those are my thoughts, at least, from my gut reaction after having read the piece five minutes ago. I'm interested to hear what y'all think if you have time to check it out.
There are no low weights mentioned in the Slate article or Woolf's pieces, by the way.
Katy Waldman, via Slate:
One Woman's Crusade to Make the World Safe for Thin People
And for a spunkier take-down, there's always Jezebel:
Thin Women, I've Got Your Back, Could You Get Mine?
Snip: "If a day arrives when our streets and internets are plastered with signs that say, "GAIN WEIGHT FAST!" and, "Use this one weird trick to load up on belly fat!" then maybe I'll buy this bullshit that fat bodies are celebrated. When women start eating themselves to death to avoid being called "Olive Oyl," then maybe I'll agree that thin-shaming has comparable repercussions to fat-shaming. When families gather around the Cambozola loaf to watch The Lumpiest Gainer, then maybe we can talk about how oppressive body-positivity is."
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
'Destructively Fit'
Check out this article about 'Destructively Fit,' a new program that aims to train fitness professionals to recognize and provide resources for people that are taking exercise to obsessive and/or dangerous levels. I'm really glad that this component of EDs is getting more attention, props to Jodi Rubin for initiating the program.
Even though the Greatist is a very food- and workout-heavy website, I've noticed that they seem to pay more attention to overexercise than any other health-focused website I've seen.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Other update.
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention in my updates yesterday. My beloved G. passed away a few weeks ago (it will be a month ago on Monday). He was my best friend and was pretty woven into my identity. I can't imagine ever finding another pet that was such a perfect match for me.
So that's that.
So that's that.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Back to Therapy
Hey y'all. Once again, it's been a while. Things have been such a whirlwind this year that I've become basically that worst blogger ever, and I haven't felt like I've had big updates on the ED stuff. Maybe because I just haven't wanted to think/talk about it, I guess.
Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.
I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.
So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?
Because I need it, frankly.
While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.
So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.
I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?
Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.
So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).
The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.
And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?). Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.
So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.
Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.
It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.
Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).
I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.
Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."
So that's that.
Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.
Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.
I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.
So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?
Because I need it, frankly.
While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.
So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.
I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?
Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.
So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).
The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.
And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?). Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.
So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.
Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.
It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.
Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).
I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.
Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."
So that's that.
Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Foodie Calls and Other Wins
So, a string of victories to report lately. Things aren't going 100% better (still counting calories, exercising more than I should, etc) but I think I'm making significant progress in some important areas.
Two very basic ones:
1. More calories
2. Less exercise
Granted both changes have been made at a pretty (very) modest scale at this point, but I can feel that sort of loosening in my mind that will let them become increments in bigger changes rather than token concessions that lead nowhere.
A few other wins that have made me feel successful lately:
Answering a "foodie call."
Everyone has experienced this.
It's similar to a booty call, in that most people see it as a spontaneous invite to a pleasurable experience. Except instead of bedroom fun, a "foodie" call comes in the form of random dinner invites, unexpected baked goods being dropped off at your desk, pressure to go out for a lunch you hadn't planned for, etc. Things that some people without food hangups would definitely find fun, but not if you're uptight about everything that goes into your mouth.
So last week we had a summer thunderstorm that knocked out power to our house one evening. Cue panic that I won't have electricity to cook my planned dinner. Cue self-shaming and reminding myself that I just came from a place where most people NEVER have power, and even my relatively privileged lodgings only had electricity for 1/3 of the day. Cue improvised plans for a dinner that required not external heat.
Cue a call from my mom telling me she was on her way to swing by the house after work and did I want to go out for dinner. Cue about 30 seconds of extreme turmoil, then a decision to just do it. Scrapped my plans, went out for dinner with my mom and one of her colleagues, even had extra calories, and enjoyed the evening.
Actually cooking meals WITH my boyfriend
I arrived in Match City on Saturday morning, and so far the visit has been awesome. One of my favorite wins so far this trip was that yesterday at lunch we cooked and ate the SAME things for our meal. This almost never happens. We've had a lot of temporary co-habitation periods over the course of our 3.75 year relationship (has it really been that long???), but usually when we cook at home it just involves him cooking his food and me cooking mine, and then sitting down to eat it together. Yesterday we made a meal where both of our main dishes (we picked different sides based on taste preference) came out of the same ingredients boxes and were cooked together, no alternative Cammy version made separately with lower-cal substitutions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it felt like a huge victory for both of us.
Ordering a challenge food in a restaurant
Ihop chocolate chocolate chip pancakes. Win. Enough said.
I haven't been weighing myself, so I don't know if the weight I'd lost is coming back yet, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that it's okay when (not letting myself frame it as "if") it does.
So, baby steps. I'm really enjoying this Match visit and I want to stay calm/nourished enough to continue. The only spat we've had was yesterday morning when my blood sugar was WAY too low for me to be rational. That's a preventable situation that I want to try to be more vigilant about. I still have fucked up hunger signals, which means that usually I don't feel hungry at all until my brain/body are feeling unwell. Trying to stay on top of it better from now on.
I hope everyone is having a good week; love y'all.
Two very basic ones:
1. More calories
2. Less exercise
Granted both changes have been made at a pretty (very) modest scale at this point, but I can feel that sort of loosening in my mind that will let them become increments in bigger changes rather than token concessions that lead nowhere.
A few other wins that have made me feel successful lately:
Answering a "foodie call."
Everyone has experienced this.
It's similar to a booty call, in that most people see it as a spontaneous invite to a pleasurable experience. Except instead of bedroom fun, a "foodie" call comes in the form of random dinner invites, unexpected baked goods being dropped off at your desk, pressure to go out for a lunch you hadn't planned for, etc. Things that some people without food hangups would definitely find fun, but not if you're uptight about everything that goes into your mouth.
So last week we had a summer thunderstorm that knocked out power to our house one evening. Cue panic that I won't have electricity to cook my planned dinner. Cue self-shaming and reminding myself that I just came from a place where most people NEVER have power, and even my relatively privileged lodgings only had electricity for 1/3 of the day. Cue improvised plans for a dinner that required not external heat.
Cue a call from my mom telling me she was on her way to swing by the house after work and did I want to go out for dinner. Cue about 30 seconds of extreme turmoil, then a decision to just do it. Scrapped my plans, went out for dinner with my mom and one of her colleagues, even had extra calories, and enjoyed the evening.
Actually cooking meals WITH my boyfriend
I arrived in Match City on Saturday morning, and so far the visit has been awesome. One of my favorite wins so far this trip was that yesterday at lunch we cooked and ate the SAME things for our meal. This almost never happens. We've had a lot of temporary co-habitation periods over the course of our 3.75 year relationship (has it really been that long???), but usually when we cook at home it just involves him cooking his food and me cooking mine, and then sitting down to eat it together. Yesterday we made a meal where both of our main dishes (we picked different sides based on taste preference) came out of the same ingredients boxes and were cooked together, no alternative Cammy version made separately with lower-cal substitutions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it felt like a huge victory for both of us.
Ordering a challenge food in a restaurant
Ihop chocolate chocolate chip pancakes. Win. Enough said.
I haven't been weighing myself, so I don't know if the weight I'd lost is coming back yet, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that it's okay when (not letting myself frame it as "if") it does.
So, baby steps. I'm really enjoying this Match visit and I want to stay calm/nourished enough to continue. The only spat we've had was yesterday morning when my blood sugar was WAY too low for me to be rational. That's a preventable situation that I want to try to be more vigilant about. I still have fucked up hunger signals, which means that usually I don't feel hungry at all until my brain/body are feeling unwell. Trying to stay on top of it better from now on.
I hope everyone is having a good week; love y'all.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Readjusting
Hey y'all. I'm working on getting settled in; jetlag is still kicking my ass, but I'm starting to feel more human. I hate that I've done NOTHING productive (in terms of school and other writing work) since I've been back, but I just haven't felt up to it. I have caught up on a lot of HBO, though . . . *cringe*
I'm staying with my family for a week before I fly up to visit Match, and it's been so nice to get time with people I love again. Not to mention my beloved G.! I am really lucky to have such an awesome family that I like to spend time with.
I was at pretty high elevation in Tropical Research Country (although not quite as high as where I live in PhD Town during the fall semester), and once again I'm realizing just how much elevation affects my appetite and seems to numb me to energy deficits. I've actually boosted my calories a bit since I've been back, relative to what I was eating last week in TRC, and I am still FAMISHED all of the time. I'm in that mode where I am somehow hungrier after dinner than I was before. It happens every time I come down in elevation from TRC or PhD Town, but it's always weird and frustrating.
I'm trying to listen to it, though...the first day I was back, my mom mentioned that she could tell I'd lost a significant amount of weight in TRC, and I kind of blew her off. I have a hard time seeing gradual changes, and I figured I'd dropped a tiny bit (judging by belt/pants fit) but nothing serious. Then I weighed myself and realized she was right. I'm not sure how much it shows in photos, but I lost more than I'd expected, and really do need to work on gaining it back.
So of course now there's that jump from realizing that intellectually and putting it into practice. I've shaved down my exercise time (still a lot of room for progress on that front, though...) and boosted my calories a bit. I'm doing those mind games with trying to rationalize everything (freaking out about a weeklong road trip with Mom next month and somehow telling myself I need to "save up" energy surplus for that), when really I just need to suck it up and do it. Anyway, work in progress. If I had a dollar for every time I'd said that on this blog . . .
But this time I'm 100% aware and accepting of what I need to do, and am motivated to get myself restored a bit so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer with Match and my family and be in a position to rock the next semester. I leave to visit Match on Saturday, and his city has tons of cool restaurants, grocery stores like Trader Joe's, and other stuff that will hopefully help. I'm honestly just not that into food, but I like novelty and trying new things, so having options around like that is a way to boost motivation to be liberal with my eating.
I'm also just readjusting to culture. Americans are loud, man. LOUD and entitled. And the first time I walked into a grocery store it was WAY overwhelming. Do you realize how much FOOD we have? Not just that things are always in stock (a constant problem at the market in TRC) but that we have not just everything, but twelve different varieties of everything???
It's still blowing my mind. I have to wonder: with all the intellectual, economic, and infrastructural resources at our disposal in this country, surely there could have been something more productive and consequential than developing the sixth variety of Cap'n Crunch cereal? Really, five wasn't enough? There was absolutely nothing more important to invest in? Okay I'm going to stop preaching, but things like that have really been weighing on my mind since I've been back.
Still wrapping up some interpersonal stuff that happened in TRC . . . people are complicated, man.
Anyway, that's the update to cover the past few days. I love TRC but it's nice to be back. Have I mentioned that I have the best most awesome dog in the world? I'm in awe of G. all over again every time I return to him.
I'm staying with my family for a week before I fly up to visit Match, and it's been so nice to get time with people I love again. Not to mention my beloved G.! I am really lucky to have such an awesome family that I like to spend time with.
I was at pretty high elevation in Tropical Research Country (although not quite as high as where I live in PhD Town during the fall semester), and once again I'm realizing just how much elevation affects my appetite and seems to numb me to energy deficits. I've actually boosted my calories a bit since I've been back, relative to what I was eating last week in TRC, and I am still FAMISHED all of the time. I'm in that mode where I am somehow hungrier after dinner than I was before. It happens every time I come down in elevation from TRC or PhD Town, but it's always weird and frustrating.
I'm trying to listen to it, though...the first day I was back, my mom mentioned that she could tell I'd lost a significant amount of weight in TRC, and I kind of blew her off. I have a hard time seeing gradual changes, and I figured I'd dropped a tiny bit (judging by belt/pants fit) but nothing serious. Then I weighed myself and realized she was right. I'm not sure how much it shows in photos, but I lost more than I'd expected, and really do need to work on gaining it back.
So of course now there's that jump from realizing that intellectually and putting it into practice. I've shaved down my exercise time (still a lot of room for progress on that front, though...) and boosted my calories a bit. I'm doing those mind games with trying to rationalize everything (freaking out about a weeklong road trip with Mom next month and somehow telling myself I need to "save up" energy surplus for that), when really I just need to suck it up and do it. Anyway, work in progress. If I had a dollar for every time I'd said that on this blog . . .
But this time I'm 100% aware and accepting of what I need to do, and am motivated to get myself restored a bit so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer with Match and my family and be in a position to rock the next semester. I leave to visit Match on Saturday, and his city has tons of cool restaurants, grocery stores like Trader Joe's, and other stuff that will hopefully help. I'm honestly just not that into food, but I like novelty and trying new things, so having options around like that is a way to boost motivation to be liberal with my eating.
I'm also just readjusting to culture. Americans are loud, man. LOUD and entitled. And the first time I walked into a grocery store it was WAY overwhelming. Do you realize how much FOOD we have? Not just that things are always in stock (a constant problem at the market in TRC) but that we have not just everything, but twelve different varieties of everything???
It's still blowing my mind. I have to wonder: with all the intellectual, economic, and infrastructural resources at our disposal in this country, surely there could have been something more productive and consequential than developing the sixth variety of Cap'n Crunch cereal? Really, five wasn't enough? There was absolutely nothing more important to invest in? Okay I'm going to stop preaching, but things like that have really been weighing on my mind since I've been back.
Still wrapping up some interpersonal stuff that happened in TRC . . . people are complicated, man.
Anyway, that's the update to cover the past few days. I love TRC but it's nice to be back. Have I mentioned that I have the best most awesome dog in the world? I'm in awe of G. all over again every time I return to him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)