Have your PB and eat it too....

Recovery gratitude d'jour: Being able to lick the knife after making a peanut butter sandwich without totally flipping my shit over how many calories I picked up in that blissful tongue swipe. God lipids are great. It's the small things, you know?

Halloweekend update

Hey everyone.  I have been way out of touch with blogland because my schedule right now is pretty overwhelming.  I feel like I get a good mix of work and play here, but pretty much every day is super-long, for better or worse.  Still LOVING the program and am making a ton of friends.

Randoms in bullet points because I'm crunched for time, as always these days:

-This was the first year I've had a real birthday party since I turned 18 (I'm the big 2-6 now, YIKES). I had SUCH an amazing time that I was on Cloud Nine for days afterwards.  I didn't have to buy any of my (many, I'll admit) drinks and got asked to dance by a flattering number of people and generally just really enjoyed everyone's company.  Auspicious start to the next year of my life.

-I'm applying for some super high-stakes grants right now (well into the six figures in dollars), and I'm really hoping the reviewers think my project is as awesome as I do.

-Had some major personal drama earlier this week that had me more distressed, stressed, emotionally upended and confused than I've been in a long time. Or since I last tried to break up with Match, I guess, but this was not directly Match-related (LONG story).  Granted, I partly brought it on myself and probably needed that kind of jolt as a wake-up call to get back on track.  Major gratitude to the reader that listened to my venting/obsessing through the whole thing. I owe you, lady.

-Due to the fact that I have both individual and family history of physiological manifestations of stress, I ended up spending the morning in the campus health clinic yesterday because my stomach was so torn up that I was puking up blood (this was NOT purge-related in any way, I've never dealt with that particular behavior).  The doctor just sampled me every which way and told me it was probably just stress, go to the ER if it happens again.

-It hasn't, although my stomach still feels really weird most of the time.  Maintaining calories in spite of that.

-I was in the clinic a week or two earlier for some routine bloodwork, and that time I had a male doctor that really drilled me about my ED history (I'm a good girl and put it on the paperwork) and status, and yesterday I had a female doctor that didn't even mention it.  That was a relief, but sort of interesting.

-In the midst of all that, things with Match are solid right now.  We had a great time on his last visit here, and I'm going there next weekend.  I think a lot of this week's turmoil reminded me not to take for granted how absolutely and completely I can trust this guy.

-There is a girl I see at the gym all the time that clearly is entrenched in an ED.  It really hurts to see her and ideally there would be some supportive, insightful way to reach out but I just don't know how.  I have absolutely no clue how much people might guess about me based on appearances, but I get the death stare from her every time I even walk by, which indicates to me she might still be in the competitive and/or denial stage (I've never really had the competition-trigger component, my crazy is pretty much endogenous, woot, but I've had denial in boatloads).  I'm worried about her.

-On ED stuff: no real change to report.  Exercise is same, weight is same, general lack of motivation to make changes is the same but at least I'm maintaining.  My appetite isn't entirely as non-existent as when I first moved here, but after a rebound spike it fell back to pretty low, so I'm proud of myself for at least maintaining my weight at a time when it would be SO easy to push my intake much lower.

Alright lovelies I've got to run, tons of work to get done before going out Halloween partying tonight.  Our costume theme is "Fractured Fairytales", going to FREEZE my "Tinkerbell's Bad Twin" ass off but that's part of it I guess.

Finally Growing Again

Whoooaa, it's been a while since I posted and Blogger went and changed the whole durn interface on here.  If you Google Overlords are listening, I am old and set in my ways and don't like this.

Cranky opening, but seriously, I cannot remember the last time my mood was this high for this many days in a row.  I am SO much happier with my life here.

I seriously feel like every single day, I know and/or can do more than I did the day before.  My days are extremely busy and often long, but I often feel like every single hour I spent on campus was stimulating, enriching, and productive.  I fucking love this, this growing again.  It's so good to feel like the old me after the doldrums of my MS program.

I'm also way happier with the community here, and feel like I'm building a pretty good network.  I'm starting to slowly, SLOWLY but surely find myself relaxing food/exercise routines in order to accomodate socializing along with my work.  I don't want to ruin this trajectory.

I hope you're all well, love y'all.

Busy, Hawngry, and Boy Update

Oh hi there, would you believe there's finally an update? Things here have been hella busy--my schedule here is the total opposite of during my Masters, when I often only went to campus about once a week.  Now I average about 11 hours on campus each day, with about 13-14 on Wednesdays when things are extra packed.  And you know what? I am LOVING it.  I really like my lab, the people in my classes, the profs I interact with, etc. I volunteered for a couple of different committees, joined a non-academic club on campus, and am teaching a class for my adviser while he's gone for the next two weeks.   I'm learning a ton and finally feel productive and purposeful, which does absolute wonders for my general satisfaction with life.

I even went out this weekend and did some very social, non-routine things, and had a blast. You know, I have spent so much of the last few years being pretty wrapped up in routines and/or depressed and isolated, and I sometimes forget that I'm actually really good at being social and enjoy people quite a bit. I actually went to a bar where there was dancing . . . and DANCED.  Do you know how long that's been, y'all? Random: turned out that one of the girls dancing with us was my PhD adviser's wife, they're young enough to blend right in with the grad students (his band was playing at the bar, he's good!). Success.

Food: Remember how I mentioned that the climate here absolutely decimates my appetite? Well apparently I've adjusted, because all of the sudden it was back last week.  No gradual reappearance, everything was just like it had been since I'd moved here, and then on Friday I stood up from lunch and had an odd sensation. I was hungry. No, not hungry, all of the sudden my body was in ZOMG FEED ME FEED ME I'M HAWNGRY FEED ME mode. I'm guessing anyone who has ever gone through refeeding knows what I mean. Gah.  I guess it's a good sign, though.

Exercise: I've done a much better job compensating for the extra walking here, but really do need to start working on tamping down from that baseline formal workout time.  With my current workload those hours REALLY would be better spent on my data, papers, etc, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as a motivator.

Weight: A post or two ago I mentioned I'd been doing weigh-ins at the gym 2-3 times a week. I have actually weighed myself only about once since then, and not at all in the past 10 days or so.  I think that since I've been trying to get the exercise under control more I'm bracing myself for the numbers to start going up again, and frankly I just don't want to know.  Too many other things that I need to fit into my mindspace right now.

Boy: So, the last time I wrote I was in existential crisis mode about what to do with Match.  I have to say I'm still confused but less so.  The whole failed breakup attempt did air some issues that needed to be dealt with, so that was good, and we've been trying some other things to feel more connected, which I think are working.  I know I go back and forth on this and it probably seems incredibly stupid.  Things have at least been calm over the past week and we've been getting along.  We're planning our next visit and I'm genuinely excited to see him...he really is my best friend. We'll see how things play out.  He found a couple's therapist that is willing to do Skype sessions and wants us to try her out.  I'm not so sure, and he's not pushing, but it's on the radar at least.

I hope everyone's week is off to a great start.  I'm so zapped at the end of each day that I haven't has the energy to post as much, but I appreciate you ladies and really hope you're all doing okay.

love y'all

Confused

So I tried to break up with Match today.

And of course, just like every fucking time, I caved in and couldn't finish it.  All I accomplished was stressing both of us the hell out, crying a lot, and losing half a day of work time.

It's really, really hard to terminate 3 years worth of bond with a phone call.  And it's not like we'd been fighting--we've been arguing/bickering WAY less recently.  We haven't had a single argument since he left here from the last visit. It's just that I've felt disconnected and am questioning whether this situation is what I want. It's not all him--he is so good to me in a lot of ways. We're not 100% compatible, of course. We don't match in some ways that cause issues at times. So that's a part, although not atypical I think. But part of it is just the fact that we're 16 hours apart....until the spring, when I'll be nine time zones away for five months.  I'm in my mid-twenties and feeling like if I'm going to be tied to a relationship, it needs to be more than visits a few times a year and phone calls squeezed in at the end of long days.  And the last couple of visits have been a bit rocky, I was ready for them to be over when the day of the return plane trip came.

I blame the distance, but sometimes even when we're together I don't think this is what I want.  But then I can't make myself let it go either.  I have no idea, obviously.

I don't know if I'll ever find someone that treats me as well as he does.  And as someone whose earliest memories are of seeing her biological dad beating the shit out of her mother, I hate myself for not knowing how important that is to me.

I feel like he's my only guarantee of not being alone. I already am alone in so many ways. Every day. If I feel this disconnected from the world while I'm in a relationship with an attentive man, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that one person that I know will always be there at any time. He knows nearly everything about me that I'm afraid to tell anyone else. I trust him more than anyone else to not judge me for any of my quirks/habits/fears/issues. That is a fearful, pathetic, selfish excuse for not wanting to end things, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's on my mind.  And despite all that I'm still not sure it's what I want.

I feel like I'm in an a situation where no matter how I play my cards, I end up failing.  People who know how unhappy I've been at times in the relationship will think I'm wrong and weak for not ending it already and moving on. People who don't know will think I'm wrong and stupid for tossing it away.  I don't know what the fuck I really know and am afraid of having regrets no matter what direction I go.

The book I've been reading this weekend, After Life by Rhian Ellis and Nancy Pearl, has a few passages that really hit home with me in the context of all this (I didn't actually like the story much, but I did end up highlighting a good number of passages).

"Two people never love each other at the same time...one loves, and the other is in love with being loved.  The fun is in guessing which one's you."

"I understood, then, the true horror of the world: it is that once a thing is done, it can never be undone.  A universe of wishing can't uncrush a bug, or unspeak a word, or erase even the tiniest action from the past's ledger. The past is fixed an unalterable, a tyrant, and none of us has any power against it.  How can we do anything, how can we live, knowing this?"

Don't Get Too Attached

Truth: I was honest when I said I don’t have a scale at home.  Ditched it before I moved, like I said.

Truth: One part I left out is that I discovered a digital scale at the locker room in the gym, and have been checking myself on it 2-3 times a week. This still a major improvement from once or twice a day when I had one at home, and I feel very free from having a number define the tone of every day before it even starts, but I still am tracking the numbers in a looser manner.

Truth: I am losing weight. A certain number of pounds even since Match left two weeks ago. I don’t even want to.  I am noticing certain features on my body that I think are a lot less attractive as a result, won’t go into details for fear of being triggering.

Truth: I want my body from April back. I just feel so trapped in this cycle of behaviors that it’s like it entirely overrides what I know it’s doing to me. 

Truth: I CANNOT let myself get too used to this weight.  I am so bad about setting new norms (whether it be weight, food, workout time, etc) and getting entrenched in that rut, and I can’t let this weight become my new default. I know this is a common issue: you get used to something and even though it’s way below (or above or whatever, depending on the issue of concern) what you used to do, and you KNOW you weren’t fat/out of control at the old level, it still becomes very scary to think of reverting to that healthier state of mind/behavior/physical being.  I’ve crossed the thin (no pun intended) threshold where I start to notice effects on my concentration and memory, and I just can’t afford to let that happen, at this of all times.  I can’t let myself slip into a mindset of feeling obligated to not let myself get above this weight.

Truth: I do NOT mean to be dramatic, y’all, really my weight is not life-threatening or hospital worthy or anything like that. There is a certain weight X at which I tend to notice big changes in emotions, cognition, energy, etc etc, and I’ve crossed that but still am not anywhere near the neighborhood of where I have been at really sick times.

Now for some positives:

Truth: I am really feeling confident that I picked the right school/program.  I’m starting to meet people, am enjoying my classes so far, and have had a fantastic experience with the school as a whole so far.

Truth: But I really miss my dog.

Truth: iTunes has a free preview up of the new Matchbox Twenty album, zomg I love it.  If you were a fan of them way back when I definitely recommend checking it out.

Truth: I have been too broke to get my own internet connection, and the neighbor whose wifi I was “borrowing” moved out earlier this week.  How rude.  Fortunately I can do most interwebbing on my iPhone, but it’s still a bit of a pain for looking up PDFs or sending substantial emails.

Truth: Someone I’ve been friends with since undergard has sort of really hurt my feelings over the past week or two, and I don’t think I really let myself process it fully until today.  You know what? It fucking stings, like bad.  How’s that for articulation?  Granted, I brought it on myself a bit in ways that are far too complicated to go into.  Probably better that it happened now rather than later when things were messier.  And that I’m so worn out and drained right now that I’m in my “too numb to cry over anything” mode.

Truth: Oops, forgot I was on the positives part of the post now.  Smile is pasted back on in 3, 2, 1…

Truth: I hope y’all are doing well and I hope you know how much your support (both online and in other media) means to me.

"Should"

I wish there was some rubric or metric to gauge how I "should" feel on my third anniversary with Match vs my actual thoughts and emotions.  That would involve me sorting out what those actual thoughts and emotions actually are, though. Really not up for that at the moment.