So I tried to break up with Match today.
And of course, just like every fucking time, I caved in and couldn't finish it. All I accomplished was stressing both of us the hell out, crying a lot, and losing half a day of work time.
It's really, really hard to terminate 3 years worth of bond with a phone call. And it's not like we'd been fighting--we've been arguing/bickering WAY less recently. We haven't had a single argument since he left here from the last visit. It's just that I've felt disconnected and am questioning whether this situation is what I want. It's not all him--he is so good to me in a lot of ways. We're not 100% compatible, of course. We don't match in some ways that cause issues at times. So that's a part, although not atypical I think. But part of it is just the fact that we're 16 hours apart....until the spring, when I'll be nine time zones away for five months. I'm in my mid-twenties and feeling like if I'm going to be tied to a relationship, it needs to be more than visits a few times a year and phone calls squeezed in at the end of long days. And the last couple of visits have been a bit rocky, I was ready for them to be over when the day of the return plane trip came.
I blame the distance, but sometimes even when we're together I don't think this is what I want. But then I can't make myself let it go either. I have no idea, obviously.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone that treats me as well as he does. And as someone whose earliest memories are of seeing her biological dad beating the shit out of her mother, I hate myself for not knowing how important that is to me.
I feel like he's my only guarantee of not being alone. I already am alone in so many ways. Every day. If I feel this disconnected from the world while I'm in a relationship with an attentive man, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that one person that I know will always be there at any time. He knows nearly everything about me that I'm afraid to tell anyone else. I trust him more than anyone else to not judge me for any of my quirks/habits/fears/issues. That is a fearful, pathetic, selfish excuse for not wanting to end things, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's on my mind. And despite all that I'm still not sure it's what I want.
I feel like I'm in an a situation where no matter how I play my cards, I end up failing. People who know how unhappy I've been at times in the relationship will think I'm wrong and weak for not ending it already and moving on. People who don't know will think I'm wrong and stupid for tossing it away. I don't know what the fuck I really know and am afraid of having regrets no matter what direction I go.
The book I've been reading this weekend, After Life by Rhian Ellis and Nancy Pearl, has a few passages that really hit home with me in the context of all this (I didn't actually like the story much, but I did end up highlighting a good number of passages).
"Two people never love each other at the same time...one loves, and the other is in love with being loved. The fun is in guessing which one's you."
"I understood, then, the true horror of the world: it is that once a thing is done, it can never be undone. A universe of wishing can't uncrush a bug, or unspeak a word, or erase even the tiniest action from the past's ledger. The past is fixed an unalterable, a tyrant, and none of us has any power against it. How can we do anything, how can we live, knowing this?"
5 comments:
This is so, so hard and I'm really sorry you're going through it. I had a sort of similar situation last year with my ex, although we were nowhere near as serious as you and Match. I remember having those same thoughts of "I already isolate myself so much, what happens when I push away the one person who has chosen to be with me?" It just sucks to be lonely, you know?
But I don't think this is a matter of you not appreciating Match or understanding how important it is to be with someone who treats you well—I think this is a matter of you not being totally happy in the relationship and wanting to find a solution, which you completely deserve. You are such a worthwhile, lovable person and I know that you will end up with the right person whenever/however the time comes. And know that you are NOT alone, there are tons of people who love and care about you.
Wish I had better advice, hang in there.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time in the relationship. The distance seems to make everything so much more difficult; as in, if you were physically together more, you would likely feel more resolved one way or the other. Just a guess. The bit about feeling very alone is such a scary feeling, and I'm really sorry that you're experiencing it. I wish I had words of wisdom for that, but it's just plain hard. I could tell you that you always have "us" readers and many people who really love and care about you, but I know you know that. And I know it's not the same.
For the record, I don't think it's "failure" whichever way you go. You need to do what's best for you, and whichever decision you make, I'm sure it'll be the right one for you. Thinking about you!
Oh C, I'm so sorry things are so rough with this right now.
No one can be your guarantee against all future horribleness, all future aloneness. Even if they want to, even if they are really really great and right for you. It's too much to ask of anyone. I don't want to be in a relationship as a guard against bad-- I want promise of great on top of an already full life. Which isn't said to make you feel bad at all, just maybe a point of clarification-- it seems like he's resistant to ending the relationship too, but you're not doing him any favors by staying in it if it's out of fear.
Of course, we're never only in it for positive or negative reasons...so maybe if you worked to allay the fear that you have to have him & were able to feel independent/secure you'd be able have more clarity about what positive things your relationship can bring you, or whether it isn't right anymore?
I'm newly in a long distance relationship-- not as far as yours, but coupled with a career change for him, it's a lot. I had to feel like I would already be okay without the boy in order to be comfortable taking the risk of being with him at all [somehow it was all less risky when it just felt like inertia-- he was just a boy, doodling on my notes in class, bringing me study foods, then he was my boyfriend and it was easy and wasn't a risk or forfeiture of anything else]. It is a tremendous risk to be in a relationship. But you have to be strong enough to handle what happens either way, I think. You have to know that you'd be okay without him-- and maybe hope that you'll be better with him? But for me, I wasn't able to be fully invested in being w/someone until I got that sense of 'okay-ness'.
Also, I'm not a religious person whatsoever, and gave a hard core you are outta your mind glare to a friend that suggested this, but the Five Languages of Love has been really helpful for me.
I've had a lot of fights with the boyf since he moved. Well, two, really. I'm not usually invested in relationships enough to have fights. I mean, the last fights I'd had were treatment things while IP. I'm a hardcore introvert.
I try to reassure myself I'd be okay without him. Maybe that's not normal in love activity. I'm pretty split between thinking about how I'd cut my hair and what club sports I'd take up [bc I don't have a lot of wknd time w/traveling e/o wk to see him] and what kind of guy I'd date in the future; I think about what kinda educational projects I'd throw myself into and where I'd meet dateable guys. I also think about what we'd name our kids and who would be bridesmaids. I think my life with him is richer than my life without him would be-- but I know I'd still be me and still be kickass at a whole lot of things and have a lot of ppl who love me. And that is what is, tentatively, shakily, with less than one crying bout per month, working for me right now. Which isn't to say it's advice bc I'm way too new at this to offer advice. Just uh. Idk. Me prattling on, trying to be helpful.
Utterly unrelated: http://www.newhavenreview.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/NHR-8-Hempel.pdf
Is my favorite short story, well, one of them anyhow [Tumble Home, same collection, is actually my fave]. There's a quote in there abt afterlife that your quote reminded me of.
I went through something very similar with my last relationship. I was with my gf for a couple years and felt that because of everything i am battling, no one else would want me. She treated me well, but in the end it just was not the best match. It took me a while to get up the courage to end the relationship. It was hard and I second guessed myself for a while. In the end it was the best thing for me. I feel like any of us who have dealt with abuse on any level, EDs, etc feel worthless and destined to be alone. But that is not true. You can and will be happy without this relationship. And you will be loved again. Most importantly you are not alone. I know we are mostly words on a screen, but you are not alone Cammie. Do what is best for YOU.
I'm here for venting and what not.
-E
hey, just wanted to see how you were doing, I hope your week was calmer after this rough convo.
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