Whoooaa, it's been a while since I posted and Blogger went and changed the whole durn interface on here. If you Google Overlords are listening, I am old and set in my ways and don't like this.
Cranky opening, but seriously, I cannot remember the last time my mood was this high for this many days in a row. I am SO much happier with my life here.
I seriously feel like every single day, I know and/or can do more than I did the day before. My days are extremely busy and often long, but I often feel like every single hour I spent on campus was stimulating, enriching, and productive. I fucking love this, this growing again. It's so good to feel like the old me after the doldrums of my MS program.
I'm also way happier with the community here, and feel like I'm building a pretty good network. I'm starting to slowly, SLOWLY but surely find myself relaxing food/exercise routines in order to accomodate socializing along with my work. I don't want to ruin this trajectory.
I hope you're all well, love y'all.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Busy, Hawngry, and Boy Update
Oh hi there, would you believe there's finally an update? Things here have been hella busy--my schedule here is the total opposite of during my Masters, when I often only went to campus about once a week. Now I average about 11 hours on campus each day, with about 13-14 on Wednesdays when things are extra packed. And you know what? I am LOVING it. I really like my lab, the people in my classes, the profs I interact with, etc. I volunteered for a couple of different committees, joined a non-academic club on campus, and am teaching a class for my adviser while he's gone for the next two weeks. I'm learning a ton and finally feel productive and purposeful, which does absolute wonders for my general satisfaction with life.
I even went out this weekend and did some very social, non-routine things, and had a blast. You know, I have spent so much of the last few years being pretty wrapped up in routines and/or depressed and isolated, and I sometimes forget that I'm actually really good at being social and enjoy people quite a bit. I actually went to a bar where there was dancing . . . and DANCED. Do you know how long that's been, y'all? Random: turned out that one of the girls dancing with us was my PhD adviser's wife, they're young enough to blend right in with the grad students (his band was playing at the bar, he's good!). Success.
Food: Remember how I mentioned that the climate here absolutely decimates my appetite? Well apparently I've adjusted, because all of the sudden it was back last week. No gradual reappearance, everything was just like it had been since I'd moved here, and then on Friday I stood up from lunch and had an odd sensation. I was hungry. No, not hungry, all of the sudden my body was in ZOMG FEED ME FEED ME I'M HAWNGRY FEED ME mode. I'm guessing anyone who has ever gone through refeeding knows what I mean. Gah. I guess it's a good sign, though.
Exercise: I've done a much better job compensating for the extra walking here, but really do need to start working on tamping down from that baseline formal workout time. With my current workload those hours REALLY would be better spent on my data, papers, etc, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as a motivator.
Weight: A post or two ago I mentioned I'd been doing weigh-ins at the gym 2-3 times a week. I have actually weighed myself only about once since then, and not at all in the past 10 days or so. I think that since I've been trying to get the exercise under control more I'm bracing myself for the numbers to start going up again, and frankly I just don't want to know. Too many other things that I need to fit into my mindspace right now.
Boy: So, the last time I wrote I was in existential crisis mode about what to do with Match. I have to say I'm still confused but less so. The whole failed breakup attempt did air some issues that needed to be dealt with, so that was good, and we've been trying some other things to feel more connected, which I think are working. I know I go back and forth on this and it probably seems incredibly stupid. Things have at least been calm over the past week and we've been getting along. We're planning our next visit and I'm genuinely excited to see him...he really is my best friend. We'll see how things play out. He found a couple's therapist that is willing to do Skype sessions and wants us to try her out. I'm not so sure, and he's not pushing, but it's on the radar at least.
I hope everyone's week is off to a great start. I'm so zapped at the end of each day that I haven't has the energy to post as much, but I appreciate you ladies and really hope you're all doing okay.
love y'all
I even went out this weekend and did some very social, non-routine things, and had a blast. You know, I have spent so much of the last few years being pretty wrapped up in routines and/or depressed and isolated, and I sometimes forget that I'm actually really good at being social and enjoy people quite a bit. I actually went to a bar where there was dancing . . . and DANCED. Do you know how long that's been, y'all? Random: turned out that one of the girls dancing with us was my PhD adviser's wife, they're young enough to blend right in with the grad students (his band was playing at the bar, he's good!). Success.
Food: Remember how I mentioned that the climate here absolutely decimates my appetite? Well apparently I've adjusted, because all of the sudden it was back last week. No gradual reappearance, everything was just like it had been since I'd moved here, and then on Friday I stood up from lunch and had an odd sensation. I was hungry. No, not hungry, all of the sudden my body was in ZOMG FEED ME FEED ME I'M HAWNGRY FEED ME mode. I'm guessing anyone who has ever gone through refeeding knows what I mean. Gah. I guess it's a good sign, though.
Exercise: I've done a much better job compensating for the extra walking here, but really do need to start working on tamping down from that baseline formal workout time. With my current workload those hours REALLY would be better spent on my data, papers, etc, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as a motivator.
Weight: A post or two ago I mentioned I'd been doing weigh-ins at the gym 2-3 times a week. I have actually weighed myself only about once since then, and not at all in the past 10 days or so. I think that since I've been trying to get the exercise under control more I'm bracing myself for the numbers to start going up again, and frankly I just don't want to know. Too many other things that I need to fit into my mindspace right now.
Boy: So, the last time I wrote I was in existential crisis mode about what to do with Match. I have to say I'm still confused but less so. The whole failed breakup attempt did air some issues that needed to be dealt with, so that was good, and we've been trying some other things to feel more connected, which I think are working. I know I go back and forth on this and it probably seems incredibly stupid. Things have at least been calm over the past week and we've been getting along. We're planning our next visit and I'm genuinely excited to see him...he really is my best friend. We'll see how things play out. He found a couple's therapist that is willing to do Skype sessions and wants us to try her out. I'm not so sure, and he's not pushing, but it's on the radar at least.
I hope everyone's week is off to a great start. I'm so zapped at the end of each day that I haven't has the energy to post as much, but I appreciate you ladies and really hope you're all doing okay.
love y'all
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Confused
So I tried to break up with Match today.
And of course, just like every fucking time, I caved in and couldn't finish it. All I accomplished was stressing both of us the hell out, crying a lot, and losing half a day of work time.
It's really, really hard to terminate 3 years worth of bond with a phone call. And it's not like we'd been fighting--we've been arguing/bickering WAY less recently. We haven't had a single argument since he left here from the last visit. It's just that I've felt disconnected and am questioning whether this situation is what I want. It's not all him--he is so good to me in a lot of ways. We're not 100% compatible, of course. We don't match in some ways that cause issues at times. So that's a part, although not atypical I think. But part of it is just the fact that we're 16 hours apart....until the spring, when I'll be nine time zones away for five months. I'm in my mid-twenties and feeling like if I'm going to be tied to a relationship, it needs to be more than visits a few times a year and phone calls squeezed in at the end of long days. And the last couple of visits have been a bit rocky, I was ready for them to be over when the day of the return plane trip came.
I blame the distance, but sometimes even when we're together I don't think this is what I want. But then I can't make myself let it go either. I have no idea, obviously.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone that treats me as well as he does. And as someone whose earliest memories are of seeing her biological dad beating the shit out of her mother, I hate myself for not knowing how important that is to me.
I feel like he's my only guarantee of not being alone. I already am alone in so many ways. Every day. If I feel this disconnected from the world while I'm in a relationship with an attentive man, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that one person that I know will always be there at any time. He knows nearly everything about me that I'm afraid to tell anyone else. I trust him more than anyone else to not judge me for any of my quirks/habits/fears/issues. That is a fearful, pathetic, selfish excuse for not wanting to end things, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's on my mind. And despite all that I'm still not sure it's what I want.
I feel like I'm in an a situation where no matter how I play my cards, I end up failing. People who know how unhappy I've been at times in the relationship will think I'm wrong and weak for not ending it already and moving on. People who don't know will think I'm wrong and stupid for tossing it away. I don't know what the fuck I really know and am afraid of having regrets no matter what direction I go.
The book I've been reading this weekend, After Life by Rhian Ellis and Nancy Pearl, has a few passages that really hit home with me in the context of all this (I didn't actually like the story much, but I did end up highlighting a good number of passages).
"Two people never love each other at the same time...one loves, and the other is in love with being loved. The fun is in guessing which one's you."
"I understood, then, the true horror of the world: it is that once a thing is done, it can never be undone. A universe of wishing can't uncrush a bug, or unspeak a word, or erase even the tiniest action from the past's ledger. The past is fixed an unalterable, a tyrant, and none of us has any power against it. How can we do anything, how can we live, knowing this?"
And of course, just like every fucking time, I caved in and couldn't finish it. All I accomplished was stressing both of us the hell out, crying a lot, and losing half a day of work time.
It's really, really hard to terminate 3 years worth of bond with a phone call. And it's not like we'd been fighting--we've been arguing/bickering WAY less recently. We haven't had a single argument since he left here from the last visit. It's just that I've felt disconnected and am questioning whether this situation is what I want. It's not all him--he is so good to me in a lot of ways. We're not 100% compatible, of course. We don't match in some ways that cause issues at times. So that's a part, although not atypical I think. But part of it is just the fact that we're 16 hours apart....until the spring, when I'll be nine time zones away for five months. I'm in my mid-twenties and feeling like if I'm going to be tied to a relationship, it needs to be more than visits a few times a year and phone calls squeezed in at the end of long days. And the last couple of visits have been a bit rocky, I was ready for them to be over when the day of the return plane trip came.
I blame the distance, but sometimes even when we're together I don't think this is what I want. But then I can't make myself let it go either. I have no idea, obviously.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone that treats me as well as he does. And as someone whose earliest memories are of seeing her biological dad beating the shit out of her mother, I hate myself for not knowing how important that is to me.
I feel like he's my only guarantee of not being alone. I already am alone in so many ways. Every day. If I feel this disconnected from the world while I'm in a relationship with an attentive man, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have that one person that I know will always be there at any time. He knows nearly everything about me that I'm afraid to tell anyone else. I trust him more than anyone else to not judge me for any of my quirks/habits/fears/issues. That is a fearful, pathetic, selfish excuse for not wanting to end things, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit it's on my mind. And despite all that I'm still not sure it's what I want.
I feel like I'm in an a situation where no matter how I play my cards, I end up failing. People who know how unhappy I've been at times in the relationship will think I'm wrong and weak for not ending it already and moving on. People who don't know will think I'm wrong and stupid for tossing it away. I don't know what the fuck I really know and am afraid of having regrets no matter what direction I go.
The book I've been reading this weekend, After Life by Rhian Ellis and Nancy Pearl, has a few passages that really hit home with me in the context of all this (I didn't actually like the story much, but I did end up highlighting a good number of passages).
"Two people never love each other at the same time...one loves, and the other is in love with being loved. The fun is in guessing which one's you."
"I understood, then, the true horror of the world: it is that once a thing is done, it can never be undone. A universe of wishing can't uncrush a bug, or unspeak a word, or erase even the tiniest action from the past's ledger. The past is fixed an unalterable, a tyrant, and none of us has any power against it. How can we do anything, how can we live, knowing this?"
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Don't Get Too Attached
Truth: I was honest when I said I don’t have a scale at home. Ditched it before I moved, like I said.
Truth: One part I left out is that I discovered a digital scale at the locker room in the gym, and have been checking myself on it 2-3 times a week. This still a major improvement from once or twice a day when I had one at home, and I feel very free from having a number define the tone of every day before it even starts, but I still am tracking the numbers in a looser manner.
Truth: I am losing weight. A certain number of pounds even since Match left two weeks ago. I don’t even want to. I am noticing certain features on my body that I think are a lot less attractive as a result, won’t go into details for fear of being triggering.
Truth: I want my body from April back. I just feel so trapped in this cycle of behaviors that it’s like it entirely overrides what I know it’s doing to me.
Truth: I CANNOT let myself get too used to this weight. I am so bad about setting new norms (whether it be weight, food, workout time, etc) and getting entrenched in that rut, and I can’t let this weight become my new default. I know this is a common issue: you get used to something and even though it’s way below (or above or whatever, depending on the issue of concern) what you used to do, and you KNOW you weren’t fat/out of control at the old level, it still becomes very scary to think of reverting to that healthier state of mind/behavior/physical being. I’ve crossed the thin (no pun intended) threshold where I start to notice effects on my concentration and memory, and I just can’t afford to let that happen, at this of all times. I can’t let myself slip into a mindset of feeling obligated to not let myself get above this weight.
Truth: I do NOT mean to be dramatic, y’all, really my weight is not life-threatening or hospital worthy or anything like that. There is a certain weight X at which I tend to notice big changes in emotions, cognition, energy, etc etc, and I’ve crossed that but still am not anywhere near the neighborhood of where I have been at really sick times.
Now for some positives:
Truth: I am really feeling confident that I picked the right school/program. I’m starting to meet people, am enjoying my classes so far, and have had a fantastic experience with the school as a whole so far.
Truth: But I really miss my dog.
Truth: iTunes has a free preview up of the new Matchbox Twenty album, zomg I love it. If you were a fan of them way back when I definitely recommend checking it out.
Truth: I have been too broke to get my own internet connection, and the neighbor whose wifi I was “borrowing” moved out earlier this week. How rude. Fortunately I can do most interwebbing on my iPhone, but it’s still a bit of a pain for looking up PDFs or sending substantial emails.
Truth: Someone I’ve been friends with since undergard has sort of really hurt my feelings over the past week or two, and I don’t think I really let myself process it fully until today. You know what? It fucking stings, like bad. How’s that for articulation? Granted, I brought it on myself a bit in ways that are far too complicated to go into. Probably better that it happened now rather than later when things were messier. And that I’m so worn out and drained right now that I’m in my “too numb to cry over anything” mode.
Truth: Oops, forgot I was on the positives part of the post now. Smile is pasted back on in 3, 2, 1…
Truth: I hope y’all are doing well and I hope you know how much your support (both online and in other media) means to me.
Friday, August 24, 2012
"Should"
I wish there was some rubric or metric to gauge how I "should" feel on my third anniversary with Match vs my actual thoughts and emotions. That would involve me sorting out what those actual thoughts and emotions actually are, though. Really not up for that at the moment.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Ghosts of Things That Never Got the Chance
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I've gotten myself into a really good situation with this program, and really, really want to try not to mess it up. I have so many regrets from the millions of ways I've let the ED interfere with every.single.possible aspect of my life over the years. I want to protect this experience that I'm starting; I want to be as normal as possible and at my max capacity and to make it something I can look back on with minimal regrets. Thus, this passage in the novel that I'm currently reading really stood out to me:
"Over time, the ghosts of things that happened start to turn distant; once they've cut you a couple of million times, their edges blunt on your scar tissue, they wear thin. The ones that slice like razors forever are the ghosts of things that never got the chance to happen."
-From Broken Harbour by Tana French
"Over time, the ghosts of things that happened start to turn distant; once they've cut you a couple of million times, their edges blunt on your scar tissue, they wear thin. The ones that slice like razors forever are the ghosts of things that never got the chance to happen."
-From Broken Harbour by Tana French
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Present Absences
So there are a couple of things about my lifestyle that are different here that I've failed to mention so far, both of which are absences that are probably improving conditions for me at home.
1) No scale. I trashed it when I moved out of my place in late April. This summer has been the longest I've gone without consistently weighing myself in YEARS. When I had the scale, I couldn't imagine not using it every day. It was how my day started. Wake up, pee, shed any clothing, weigh. Commence with living and all that mess. If I didn't do it, I spent the whole day anxious that I didn't know the number, didn't know how hard I "needed" to be on myself.
Now that I haven't had one in a while, I honestly just don't want one. I have too many other things on my mind right now I guess, I don't want to have to think about what the number is, what it was yesterday, why is it up/down/the same, oh my god what if it is up/down/unchanged still tomorrow, could I have had too much sodium yesterday or am I dehydrated from too much caffeine yesterday or WHAT THE HELL ELSE CAN I OBSESS ABOUT RELATED TO THIS GODFORSAKEN NUMBER BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THIS IS WHAT I DO BEST. No thanks.
2) No exercise equipment at home. This, my friends, is a HUGE change.
I wish I could say that it has decreased my exercise time, but alas it's sort of created the opposite situation, because now I have a long walk to and from the gym, so I burn a good bit of energy just getting to my workout and haven't been stellar at compensating for that. I added calories deliberately on a day or two, have just let myself be a little more liberal on other days, but really the issue is that the exercise is eating up SO much of my day. Compensating calories til I burst won't make up for the disruption in my lifestyle, and I really want/need to cut back. Plus, I feel like absolute drained shit these days and I know that's the cause. I had a conversation with a friend about it yesterday that put some things in perspective for me (you rock, lady), and I think I'm going to have to grit my teeth and slash time starting tomorrow.
BUT to get back to the point, I think that having a living space without exercise equipment is helpful, because I can come home and just be in relax/recovery mode, rather than having to halfway dread coming home because I know more workouts are waiting for me. Something about coming home and doing exercising in the evening or late at night makes it seem sort of secretive and more disordered. Not that eating up my day hours with it is any less disordered. You know what, I want this all to just go away.
To end on a positive, I had my first literature discussion/project planning session with my PhD adviser (he needs a letter, let's call him K) this morning, and was SO happy with how it went. He seemed to think I made some very good points and I learned a good bit from him too, and I really like the dynamic that we have so far. It's such a big contrast to my Master's adviser. For example, my MS project was not really related to any research that adviser had done before, so he sort of assumed I knew I was doing and showed no interest in helping me develop methods or theoretical foundations, just sort of left me to it. When it came time for my oral exams and thesis defense, he almost made a fool out of himself because he was so unfamiliar with the literature underlying my methods. It was kind of frustrating that I'd worked so hard to master everything but really could have bullshitted a lot of it and he wouldn't have known the difference.
In contrast, K. and I are starting a project (not my dissertation research, a side project) that covers new ground for both of us, so he set us up a schedule of going over the literature together to learn it at the same time and trade ideas, tackle new methods, etc as a team. And I think it's going to be awesome. I'm feeling more confident about this decision every day. The rest of my lab flew in from Research Country today (a good number of them are native to that country), so it will be exciting to have that group dynamic going too.
I hope everyone's week is off to a great start, love y'all.
1) No scale. I trashed it when I moved out of my place in late April. This summer has been the longest I've gone without consistently weighing myself in YEARS. When I had the scale, I couldn't imagine not using it every day. It was how my day started. Wake up, pee, shed any clothing, weigh. Commence with living and all that mess. If I didn't do it, I spent the whole day anxious that I didn't know the number, didn't know how hard I "needed" to be on myself.
Now that I haven't had one in a while, I honestly just don't want one. I have too many other things on my mind right now I guess, I don't want to have to think about what the number is, what it was yesterday, why is it up/down/the same, oh my god what if it is up/down/unchanged still tomorrow, could I have had too much sodium yesterday or am I dehydrated from too much caffeine yesterday or WHAT THE HELL ELSE CAN I OBSESS ABOUT RELATED TO THIS GODFORSAKEN NUMBER BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THIS IS WHAT I DO BEST. No thanks.
2) No exercise equipment at home. This, my friends, is a HUGE change.
I wish I could say that it has decreased my exercise time, but alas it's sort of created the opposite situation, because now I have a long walk to and from the gym, so I burn a good bit of energy just getting to my workout and haven't been stellar at compensating for that. I added calories deliberately on a day or two, have just let myself be a little more liberal on other days, but really the issue is that the exercise is eating up SO much of my day. Compensating calories til I burst won't make up for the disruption in my lifestyle, and I really want/need to cut back. Plus, I feel like absolute drained shit these days and I know that's the cause. I had a conversation with a friend about it yesterday that put some things in perspective for me (you rock, lady), and I think I'm going to have to grit my teeth and slash time starting tomorrow.
BUT to get back to the point, I think that having a living space without exercise equipment is helpful, because I can come home and just be in relax/recovery mode, rather than having to halfway dread coming home because I know more workouts are waiting for me. Something about coming home and doing exercising in the evening or late at night makes it seem sort of secretive and more disordered. Not that eating up my day hours with it is any less disordered. You know what, I want this all to just go away.
To end on a positive, I had my first literature discussion/project planning session with my PhD adviser (he needs a letter, let's call him K) this morning, and was SO happy with how it went. He seemed to think I made some very good points and I learned a good bit from him too, and I really like the dynamic that we have so far. It's such a big contrast to my Master's adviser. For example, my MS project was not really related to any research that adviser had done before, so he sort of assumed I knew I was doing and showed no interest in helping me develop methods or theoretical foundations, just sort of left me to it. When it came time for my oral exams and thesis defense, he almost made a fool out of himself because he was so unfamiliar with the literature underlying my methods. It was kind of frustrating that I'd worked so hard to master everything but really could have bullshitted a lot of it and he wouldn't have known the difference.
In contrast, K. and I are starting a project (not my dissertation research, a side project) that covers new ground for both of us, so he set us up a schedule of going over the literature together to learn it at the same time and trade ideas, tackle new methods, etc as a team. And I think it's going to be awesome. I'm feeling more confident about this decision every day. The rest of my lab flew in from Research Country today (a good number of them are native to that country), so it will be exciting to have that group dynamic going too.
I hope everyone's week is off to a great start, love y'all.
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