I've been home (at my parents' house) for over a week straight now, which has felt a bit strange after so much back-to-back travel. I've basically been back on TRC rations since I've been back from my conference, and went from feeling awesome to shitty in just a few days (surprised, anyone? Didn't think so). I am so uncomfortable with the weight I've gained this past month that I just want to crawl out of my skin, and have been in that oppressive place where I feel like ANYTHING I put into my body is going to inflate it, indefinitely. Rational, no, but if my thoughts about my body were rational I wouldn't be here in the first place.
I think I identified part of the problem, which is a bit TMI maybe. Since I've been traveling so much and hate dealing with tampons etc when I'm away from home, I haven't done a placebo week from the Pill in about 8 weeks (disclaimer, my doctor says it's safe to go up to 3 packs/9weeks between placebos). I was about 12 hours late with a pill earlier this week and my body was super eager to jump into menstrual mode, it seems. Even though I got back on schedule, I think at least some of my body heebie jeebies have been due to bloating from that. When I'm going on placebo week intentionally, I of course know to brace myself for 3-4 extra pounds of water weight that will last for a few days, but this one snuck up on me.
Aside: Maybe this says a lot about my control issues, but I can't imagine being "freeform" with menstrual stuff vs being able to control/anticipate all of it using the Pill.
So whatever the cause, I have been so uncomfortable in my own skin that I literally feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how to fix this.
A good bit of that is also probably anxiety -- my 10 year high school reunion is tonight. Where did that decade go??? I actually don't have any bitterness about high school. I was too wrapped up in my ED most of the time to get involved in any drama, and people liked me, no one picked on me, I had a date to prom, etc. I wouldn't go through it again for $10 million, but it was alright. I'm totally aware, though, that the people I'll see tonight, almost all of whom I haven't seen in about 10 years, have seen me at close to my rock bottom with my ED. Cue feeling under the microscope, cue anxiety, cue zeroing in on my body to cope. Same ol' same ol'.
More anxiety: next week I'm going to visit my biological dad's (let's call him X.) family. NOT X. himself; I haven't seen him in almost 20 years and hope I never do again. He lives on the other side of the country from the people I'll be visiting, actually just 3 hours from my parents' house.
Despite having nothing to do with him, I do get along really well with his parents and his sister. I went up to visit them all once as a toddler, then in 2010 I saw them for the first time since then. Now I try to go up at least every other year. I am SO much like Grandma X, it's crazy. I think my Nana influenced me a lot just via nurture, but it's super obvious that I got a lot of my "nature" from Grandma X. We have really similar mannerisms, and I see a lot of myself in her personality. During conversation on our first evening together after a 22 year gap in seeing each other, there were several things we responded to with exactly the same phrase, in unison. Match was fascinated.
This will be the first time I've gone up there without Match. His back is still too bad for him to handle travel. I'll miss having my ally/social buffer along. Even though I like these people, I don't know them very well and he's much more like family to me than they are.
Another note: X's sister has two daughters that are younger than me, 18 and 22. Aunt X had eating disorder issues when she was younger (no idea about it as an adult) and has given strong hints that she has picked up on the fact that I really struggle with it too. Her oldest daughter posts a ton of stuff about body image and "healthy is the new skinny" stuff on Facebook, which makes me think that this has at least been a concern for her, even if not an outright ED. She was on her high school wrestling team, which is INCREDIBLY weight-focused, so it wouldn't be a surprise. Anyway, all of that makes me feel under the microscope also. I want to set a good example for the girls but the anxiety of knowing they are probably paying attention and trying to figure me out is more than a little unnerving.
It's pretty self-centered to think all people think about or notice is me and my weight, of course, and I really don't think that. I doubt many of the high school people give a shit. None of my close friends from HS will be there since they've all moved out of state. I wouldn't have traveled to attend this event; I'm just going because it happens to be on one of the few weekends I'm back in town. I do think it's more realistic that Aunt X and her girls will be paying at least some attention to my weight/eating habits. And this time I don't have Match as a social decoy when I start to feel overwhelmed. So it's all a bit stressful.
I did have a good session with H. yesterday. I had way too much to cover for our 45 minutes but it was really helpful. I am SO glad I restarted sessions with her instead of trying to find a new person. She does just the right mix of no-nonsense and compassion to kick my ass but make me appreciate it, if that makes sense. Example: talking about having body ooglies, and my argument sort of started to sound like I was trying to convince her I'm actually fat. ED-brain, yes I know.
Me: I don't think you're getting it.
H.: Well, I don't think you're getting it, and one of us is paying the other for professional advice, and that one of us isn't me.
Hahaha. She actually is really supportive and compassionate but knows the right timing for giving me a jolt when I need it.
She scared me into adding a bit of extra calories yesterday by lecturing me about how I'm not 19 anymore and could feasibly burn out my thyroid if I keep this up. She also assigned me to reread Gaining by Aimee Liu. I read it back in college, but she thinks it would be worth doing again now that I'm at a different life stage, closer to Liu's when she wrote the book.
I guess that's all of my updating for now. It's thunderstorming and I'm missing my normal run time this morning, so I have that to stress about too. Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out and stash it in a box in the closet so it would just leave me the hell alone.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Vegetarian Motivations
I've somewhat calmed down about body stuff as the week has progressed, but largely just because I've been restricting and watching the scale slide down again. Riding out the initial discomfort (mental and physical) of weight gain has always been my downfall in recovery.
Anyway, some comments on my post-travel post brought up the issue of vegetarianism, which seemed like a worthy topic for its own post. I want to make it clear that this is NOT a vegetarian manifesto or attempt to convert anyone. I don't eat meat for my own reasons, and don't at all judge people who do. I spend way too much brain bandwidth on my own food choices to stress about what other people eat. You do you. The next few paragraphs discuss why I'm a vegetarian; if there's anything about that that might be triggering for you, skip down to the bold section divider below.
Quick background: I started phasing meat out animal-by-animal when I was an undergrad. This wasn't a huge sacrifice at first -- I had never really been a fan of red meat, except for a penchant for Big Macs during growth spurts when I was younger, ha . . .
Approximate Timeline:
2007: Quit pork (but god do I miss bacon [drool])
2008: Quit beef
2010: Quit packaged lunchmeat/processed products from any animal
2012: Quit poultry
2013: Quit seafood (except for sushi once or twice a month, call me a terrible person but I love it and it just uses teeny amounts of fish . . . )
My reasons for vegetarianism aren't at all from a nutritional perspective: i.e., I'm not afraid of the calorie/fat content. So that's out of the way. My reasons also aren't really from an animal rights angle (except for pork; pigs are smarter than a lot of people that went to my high school). I don't like the thought of animals being killed for food and couldn't do it myself, but it's also part of natural food chains that some animals to die for others to eat them. Mostly I just hate the feedlot model for the way we produce meat in the U.S. -- the antibiotics, the hormones, the environmental impacts, the mistreatment of workers, etc. I might eat meat occasionally if I could afford all organic/grassfed etc, but truth is that I can't afford it. Also, even the most responsibly produced animal products have substantial water/pollution footprints.
I could probably eat meat in Tropical Research Country without really violating my principles, but I don't really have a taste for it anymore, and I also don't have the enzymes for it anymore. I ate some lamb there last year due to lack of other options, and a few bites of beef this year just on a weird whim, and both times I got violently ill afterward. I do eat local fish in TRC, because they have native lakes that produce absolutely exquisite fish; it puts our grocery counter fish in the U.S. to shame, and it's all from small farms/independent producers. Also, I have no refrigeration in TRC, so opportunities to even eat fish are limited to maybe once or twice a month on town trips.
So that's all that background. In sum: I am not pathologically avoiding meat due to ED reasons and I am not an extremist PETA person (although I do have a picture of me hugging a tree, oops).
BOLD SECTION DIVIDER
So, finally, the main point I wanted to ponder/discuss:
I think the stereotype of vegetarianism among EDers is that it's just a tool to make an excuse for restricting and/or limiting food choices. I think that in some cases this is probably accurate, but definitely not all. The reason I took four years to phase out poultry after eliminating other terrestrial animals is that it was a "safe food." As Kaylee brought up on comments on a previous post, you can't hide much in a cut of meat, so it is less calorically ambiguous than other dishes. Something like a grilled chicken breast is pretty reliable and and straightforward, and for years and years, and years, that was my default order at restaurants, regardless of how awesome the rest of the menu was. It gave me an excuse not to challenge myself.
Actually, I don't even really like chicken. It's often dry and stringy. It makes my mouth feel cottony. Chickens are kind of disgusting animals. Its only function was to fill enough plate space to help me play along with eating out and provide enough low-cal protein to stay full for a while.
I realized at some point in early 2012 that I was insisting on still eating this food that I don't really like and have real moral objections to simply because it was a "safe" option according to my ED. That's when I cut it out.
You know what? Even if I became an all-out carnivore in the future, I hope I never eat another fucking grilled chicken breast in my entire life. For me it entirely represents the victory of "should" over "want" when it comes to both enjoying food and fueling my body. Again, I don't think that everyone that orders grilled chicken does it for disordered reasons, but I definitely did.
Keeping seafood in my diet largely gave me another "safe," if less ubiquitous, option at restaurants. But from an environmental standpoint, seafood brings up a whole new round of moral/philosophical issues. Cutting that out last year was when I really had to start challenging myself on menu choices.
Match lives in a big city with tons of fun international restaurants, and he LOVES eating out. He's actually not as adventurous an eater as I am when it comes to new flavors (I'm pretty sure he's a "super taster"), but he is a good sport and will go along with whatever restaurant choices I make as long as it means we're going out on a date together. Quote: "We'll go wherever you want as long as you're willing to let me stop for a Happy Meal on the way home." ;)
So that has helped me practice going to restaurants with unfamiliar food and not wimping out-- i.e., ordering a "safe" option instead of something I really want to try. It's only been over the last year or so that I've really made progress on this front, but it has made eating out SO much more fun. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come this far if I still let myself default to old safe meat options.
Okay, I guess that's what I wanted to say about that. This is probably the most I've ever talked about specific food choices in a post, so I hope it's okay. Again, I'm not condemning anyone's choices. They cut down rainforests to grow the soybeans in my Boca burgers, and unconscionable amounts of water go into producing my almond milk. It's impossible for anyone to be a saint. I'm also not trying to convert anyone. I go out to eat with people that order meat all the time, and not even an unspoken wisp of judgement crosses my mind (except with some types of seafood; do NOT eat orange roughy, folks, it's totally unsustainable, sorry).
In other words, disclaimer disclaimer, the point of this post was to discuss alleged ED motivations for vegetarianism versus one unexpected way it has actually really challenged me to ditch some old ED habits.
Anyway, some comments on my post-travel post brought up the issue of vegetarianism, which seemed like a worthy topic for its own post. I want to make it clear that this is NOT a vegetarian manifesto or attempt to convert anyone. I don't eat meat for my own reasons, and don't at all judge people who do. I spend way too much brain bandwidth on my own food choices to stress about what other people eat. You do you. The next few paragraphs discuss why I'm a vegetarian; if there's anything about that that might be triggering for you, skip down to the bold section divider below.
Quick background: I started phasing meat out animal-by-animal when I was an undergrad. This wasn't a huge sacrifice at first -- I had never really been a fan of red meat, except for a penchant for Big Macs during growth spurts when I was younger, ha . . .
Approximate Timeline:
2007: Quit pork (but god do I miss bacon [drool])
2008: Quit beef
2010: Quit packaged lunchmeat/processed products from any animal
2012: Quit poultry
2013: Quit seafood (except for sushi once or twice a month, call me a terrible person but I love it and it just uses teeny amounts of fish . . . )
My reasons for vegetarianism aren't at all from a nutritional perspective: i.e., I'm not afraid of the calorie/fat content. So that's out of the way. My reasons also aren't really from an animal rights angle (except for pork; pigs are smarter than a lot of people that went to my high school). I don't like the thought of animals being killed for food and couldn't do it myself, but it's also part of natural food chains that some animals to die for others to eat them. Mostly I just hate the feedlot model for the way we produce meat in the U.S. -- the antibiotics, the hormones, the environmental impacts, the mistreatment of workers, etc. I might eat meat occasionally if I could afford all organic/grassfed etc, but truth is that I can't afford it. Also, even the most responsibly produced animal products have substantial water/pollution footprints.
I could probably eat meat in Tropical Research Country without really violating my principles, but I don't really have a taste for it anymore, and I also don't have the enzymes for it anymore. I ate some lamb there last year due to lack of other options, and a few bites of beef this year just on a weird whim, and both times I got violently ill afterward. I do eat local fish in TRC, because they have native lakes that produce absolutely exquisite fish; it puts our grocery counter fish in the U.S. to shame, and it's all from small farms/independent producers. Also, I have no refrigeration in TRC, so opportunities to even eat fish are limited to maybe once or twice a month on town trips.
So that's all that background. In sum: I am not pathologically avoiding meat due to ED reasons and I am not an extremist PETA person (although I do have a picture of me hugging a tree, oops).
BOLD SECTION DIVIDER
So, finally, the main point I wanted to ponder/discuss:
I think the stereotype of vegetarianism among EDers is that it's just a tool to make an excuse for restricting and/or limiting food choices. I think that in some cases this is probably accurate, but definitely not all. The reason I took four years to phase out poultry after eliminating other terrestrial animals is that it was a "safe food." As Kaylee brought up on comments on a previous post, you can't hide much in a cut of meat, so it is less calorically ambiguous than other dishes. Something like a grilled chicken breast is pretty reliable and and straightforward, and for years and years, and years, that was my default order at restaurants, regardless of how awesome the rest of the menu was. It gave me an excuse not to challenge myself.
Actually, I don't even really like chicken. It's often dry and stringy. It makes my mouth feel cottony. Chickens are kind of disgusting animals. Its only function was to fill enough plate space to help me play along with eating out and provide enough low-cal protein to stay full for a while.
I realized at some point in early 2012 that I was insisting on still eating this food that I don't really like and have real moral objections to simply because it was a "safe" option according to my ED. That's when I cut it out.
You know what? Even if I became an all-out carnivore in the future, I hope I never eat another fucking grilled chicken breast in my entire life. For me it entirely represents the victory of "should" over "want" when it comes to both enjoying food and fueling my body. Again, I don't think that everyone that orders grilled chicken does it for disordered reasons, but I definitely did.
Keeping seafood in my diet largely gave me another "safe," if less ubiquitous, option at restaurants. But from an environmental standpoint, seafood brings up a whole new round of moral/philosophical issues. Cutting that out last year was when I really had to start challenging myself on menu choices.
Match lives in a big city with tons of fun international restaurants, and he LOVES eating out. He's actually not as adventurous an eater as I am when it comes to new flavors (I'm pretty sure he's a "super taster"), but he is a good sport and will go along with whatever restaurant choices I make as long as it means we're going out on a date together. Quote: "We'll go wherever you want as long as you're willing to let me stop for a Happy Meal on the way home." ;)
So that has helped me practice going to restaurants with unfamiliar food and not wimping out-- i.e., ordering a "safe" option instead of something I really want to try. It's only been over the last year or so that I've really made progress on this front, but it has made eating out SO much more fun. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come this far if I still let myself default to old safe meat options.
Okay, I guess that's what I wanted to say about that. This is probably the most I've ever talked about specific food choices in a post, so I hope it's okay. Again, I'm not condemning anyone's choices. They cut down rainforests to grow the soybeans in my Boca burgers, and unconscionable amounts of water go into producing my almond milk. It's impossible for anyone to be a saint. I'm also not trying to convert anyone. I go out to eat with people that order meat all the time, and not even an unspoken wisp of judgement crosses my mind (except with some types of seafood; do NOT eat orange roughy, folks, it's totally unsustainable, sorry).
In other words, disclaimer disclaimer, the point of this post was to discuss alleged ED motivations for vegetarianism versus one unexpected way it has actually really challenged me to ditch some old ED habits.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
'Fight Song'
Taking a break for something positive and slightly cheesy: I still keep a recovery playlist, and I just discovered and added this song this week; the music video actually choked me up a bit the first time I watched it, as totally corny as that sounds. Especially the "wrecking balls inside my brain" bit, which is a pretty good description of what an ED feels like sometimes. Anyway, this is it, 'Fight Song' by Rachel Platten; the video is pretty good. I had never heard of her before this weekend (maybe she's famous already? I spent a lot of time out of the country . . . ) but I think I have a new girlcrush on her.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Reality Check
So, after all that stuff I wrote yesterday, now that I'm "home" at my parents' house and not distracted by travel/Match/conference activities, I'm starting to freak out about the weight gain. Starting to dwell and worry about how fast it came back and what that means. Starting to wonder if anyone will take me seriously if I'm heavier than my typical range for the past few years. Starting to wonder if I will ever not be wrapped up in this bullshit.
Like always, I'm okay with how I look except for a fixation on my stomach that literally feels like it's driving me crazy. I don't know how to fix it.
Like always, I'm okay with how I look except for a fixation on my stomach that literally feels like it's driving me crazy. I don't know how to fix it.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Honeys, I'm Home . . .
So much has happened since the last time I updated, and I am having a hard time making sense of it, so I thought writing a post might help me organize it a bit in my mind.
Also, I am WAY behind on reading other's blogs, sorry y'all. I left Tropical Research Country on June 2 and have been traveling nonstop since then. I was home (at my parents' house) for two days, drove up to see my Match, stayed 3 days, drove home, had one full day here, then took another road trip for a professional conference, was there for a few days, and got back last night. I stayed busy from about 6:30 am to midnight every day at the conference, so I've got tons to catch up on.
I actually just stopped while writing to read my last post and remind myself of where I was the last time I updated. Yikes. This was a rough field season for sure.
I've been seeing H. via Skype sessions again for about a month now and it has been SO helpful. We clicked just like before. I've failed at therapy with many different people, but she seems to have just the right approach to be supportive while also challenging me. And she has now known me for about 8 years, so I think she has some special insights from seeing me through several stages of life as well as the ED.
So, now the weird part. In a lot of ways, I'm fucking fantastic. In some ways, that scares me at the same time that it encourages me.
The people around the research centre in Tropical Research Country often talk about their "rebound week" after returning to the U.S., in which they essentially eat themselves silly because of all the things they missed. No one starves where we work (unless you have an ED-addled brain, ahem), but it's the psychological issue of all of the sudden having access to EVERYTHING after months of a bland and monotonous diet and no real choices.
I think I've had about two rebound weeks now, because of that and also because biologically I did come back starving. My weight the day I left was the lowest it's been in years and years, and my brain was definitely in that food-obsessed starvation mode. I was killing up to three hours a day just looking at restaurant menus on Yelp and TripAdvisor. No bueno.
The upshot of that is that I've regained weight. Like, faster than ever before in my life. Like, I'm already back to where I was before I left for the field in January. My body really doesn't "like" being as low as I was, so I guess it makes sense that there was some bounce-back. But if you had told me a month ago that I'd "undo all my work" in this short a span of time I would have had a mental meltdown.
And you know what? I feel okay. It's sort of nonlinear I guess. Overall I'm not any unhappier (that's the baseline to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be happy with my body) with my body now than I was at my low point for this year. Brains are so weird.
I still have body ooglies, obviously. I have always fixated on my stomach, and at the conference this past week I worried that people would think I got knocked up in Research Country because I was afraid that I look pregnant. I am worried about the scale rising and rising. I worry that no one will believe what a hard year it's been if I don't look chiseled down to nothing.
But I also feel SO much better in pretty much every way. Basically I feel like I went from feeling dead to feeling alive again, even after less than a month. I can literally feel such a difference in my metabolism. I'm sleeping better. I'd forgotten what it was like to not feel drained all the time, but I feel like Tigger with all this energy now. I won the 5k race at the conference for women and even outran all but one of the men. I can read an entire news article without having to reread half the paragraphs because my tired/distracted brain is having a hard time focusing. I left the Equator but am suddenly not cold all the time anymore. I'm interested in Stuff with my boyfriend again after a spell when that was the last thing my body felt like bothering with (or even talking about; which can cause problems when you have a deprived boy thousands miles away). My brain is taking a while to catch up to my body getting more and more restored, but the food-obsessive thoughts are already abating.
And you know what? Eating without letting ED call the shots is FUN. Like, for real. Match and I went on dates and I ordered what I wanted from the menu instead of agonizing over what I "should" have. At the conference, my labmate and I made the most of the breakfast buffet at the hotel every morning. I tried a bunch of new beers that I loved over a few nights of brewery visits with some old conference buddies. We went out to dinner the last evening and shared a bunch of appetizers, had cocktails, ordered fun entrees, and got (gasp) dessert on a whim. Tiramisu cake, just for the record, because it was amazing and I ate my entire six-inch tall piece. WHO IS THIS PERSON DOING THESE THINGS? I don't know, but I do know that she was having a hell of a lot more fun than the person in the whittled down body weighing out her XX grams of bran flakes for dinner a month earlier.
I think a big factor is that I'm SO much happier now that I'm home and have my people again. I stayed lonely and depressed and emotional for a lot of this past field season. Match is still the love of my life and we picked back up where we left off, as always. I was still a bit anxious and emotional when I was at his place (just three days post-return and still jet-lagged), but we managed to have a good visit. My parents and my grandfather are my rocks as well, and having time with them has felt like such a luxury. Things were in such disarray when I left in January that in some ways I think I was emotionally "holding my breath" the entire five months until I could get back here to be with them again. Coming home felt like coming back up for air and just gasping to get life back into myself again.
This isn't to say I'm Better with a capital B. It's not my first rodeo, and I know my patterns. I tend to be more liberal with food and such when I'm out of my routine environment, so settling into the old schedule at my parent's house and then Match's place when I'm there for more than a few days will probably be pivotal in not slipping back into restriction. Things are still volatile between my parents, my grandfather is not getting any younger, Match is still managing a pretty big health issue, and I'm still disenchanted with my PhD. My body still has repair work to do -- I think my metabolism revving up after a period of depletion has been hard on my old embattled heart muscles, which has been a bit scary. But I think H. is helping me figure out how to manage it so all of that doesn't overwhelm my brain and make me feel like the only thing I can really manage with certainty is my weight. And honestly I just am so happy to be back with the people I love.
Okay, now that I've written a book, that's all for now. I've missed you ladies and am working on catching up on blogs and correspondence. Love y'all.
Also, I am WAY behind on reading other's blogs, sorry y'all. I left Tropical Research Country on June 2 and have been traveling nonstop since then. I was home (at my parents' house) for two days, drove up to see my Match, stayed 3 days, drove home, had one full day here, then took another road trip for a professional conference, was there for a few days, and got back last night. I stayed busy from about 6:30 am to midnight every day at the conference, so I've got tons to catch up on.
I actually just stopped while writing to read my last post and remind myself of where I was the last time I updated. Yikes. This was a rough field season for sure.
I've been seeing H. via Skype sessions again for about a month now and it has been SO helpful. We clicked just like before. I've failed at therapy with many different people, but she seems to have just the right approach to be supportive while also challenging me. And she has now known me for about 8 years, so I think she has some special insights from seeing me through several stages of life as well as the ED.
So, now the weird part. In a lot of ways, I'm fucking fantastic. In some ways, that scares me at the same time that it encourages me.
The people around the research centre in Tropical Research Country often talk about their "rebound week" after returning to the U.S., in which they essentially eat themselves silly because of all the things they missed. No one starves where we work (unless you have an ED-addled brain, ahem), but it's the psychological issue of all of the sudden having access to EVERYTHING after months of a bland and monotonous diet and no real choices.
I think I've had about two rebound weeks now, because of that and also because biologically I did come back starving. My weight the day I left was the lowest it's been in years and years, and my brain was definitely in that food-obsessed starvation mode. I was killing up to three hours a day just looking at restaurant menus on Yelp and TripAdvisor. No bueno.
The upshot of that is that I've regained weight. Like, faster than ever before in my life. Like, I'm already back to where I was before I left for the field in January. My body really doesn't "like" being as low as I was, so I guess it makes sense that there was some bounce-back. But if you had told me a month ago that I'd "undo all my work" in this short a span of time I would have had a mental meltdown.
And you know what? I feel okay. It's sort of nonlinear I guess. Overall I'm not any unhappier (that's the baseline to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be happy with my body) with my body now than I was at my low point for this year. Brains are so weird.
I still have body ooglies, obviously. I have always fixated on my stomach, and at the conference this past week I worried that people would think I got knocked up in Research Country because I was afraid that I look pregnant. I am worried about the scale rising and rising. I worry that no one will believe what a hard year it's been if I don't look chiseled down to nothing.
But I also feel SO much better in pretty much every way. Basically I feel like I went from feeling dead to feeling alive again, even after less than a month. I can literally feel such a difference in my metabolism. I'm sleeping better. I'd forgotten what it was like to not feel drained all the time, but I feel like Tigger with all this energy now. I won the 5k race at the conference for women and even outran all but one of the men. I can read an entire news article without having to reread half the paragraphs because my tired/distracted brain is having a hard time focusing. I left the Equator but am suddenly not cold all the time anymore. I'm interested in Stuff with my boyfriend again after a spell when that was the last thing my body felt like bothering with (or even talking about; which can cause problems when you have a deprived boy thousands miles away). My brain is taking a while to catch up to my body getting more and more restored, but the food-obsessive thoughts are already abating.
And you know what? Eating without letting ED call the shots is FUN. Like, for real. Match and I went on dates and I ordered what I wanted from the menu instead of agonizing over what I "should" have. At the conference, my labmate and I made the most of the breakfast buffet at the hotel every morning. I tried a bunch of new beers that I loved over a few nights of brewery visits with some old conference buddies. We went out to dinner the last evening and shared a bunch of appetizers, had cocktails, ordered fun entrees, and got (gasp) dessert on a whim. Tiramisu cake, just for the record, because it was amazing and I ate my entire six-inch tall piece. WHO IS THIS PERSON DOING THESE THINGS? I don't know, but I do know that she was having a hell of a lot more fun than the person in the whittled down body weighing out her XX grams of bran flakes for dinner a month earlier.
I think a big factor is that I'm SO much happier now that I'm home and have my people again. I stayed lonely and depressed and emotional for a lot of this past field season. Match is still the love of my life and we picked back up where we left off, as always. I was still a bit anxious and emotional when I was at his place (just three days post-return and still jet-lagged), but we managed to have a good visit. My parents and my grandfather are my rocks as well, and having time with them has felt like such a luxury. Things were in such disarray when I left in January that in some ways I think I was emotionally "holding my breath" the entire five months until I could get back here to be with them again. Coming home felt like coming back up for air and just gasping to get life back into myself again.
This isn't to say I'm Better with a capital B. It's not my first rodeo, and I know my patterns. I tend to be more liberal with food and such when I'm out of my routine environment, so settling into the old schedule at my parent's house and then Match's place when I'm there for more than a few days will probably be pivotal in not slipping back into restriction. Things are still volatile between my parents, my grandfather is not getting any younger, Match is still managing a pretty big health issue, and I'm still disenchanted with my PhD. My body still has repair work to do -- I think my metabolism revving up after a period of depletion has been hard on my old embattled heart muscles, which has been a bit scary. But I think H. is helping me figure out how to manage it so all of that doesn't overwhelm my brain and make me feel like the only thing I can really manage with certainty is my weight. And honestly I just am so happy to be back with the people I love.
Okay, now that I've written a book, that's all for now. I've missed you ladies and am working on catching up on blogs and correspondence. Love y'all.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Blatant venting/whining
My brain is such a fucking mess right now. I had my first heaving sobbing cry in a while this morning, in the shower after my run, and I don't even know why. Except that right now it's not just that I'm unhappy, but that I can't imagine any feasible turn of events in my life that will make me happy. I'm busting my ass with a project I don't like in order to qualify myself for a career I don't even want anymore. But I'm not really qualified for anything else. How did I get here???
Friday, May 15, 2015
Post-Vacation Update and Other News
The good news: Last weekend's vacation was absolutely fantastic. The place was gorgeous, the wildlife was abundant and fascinating, and it was SO nice to just turn off "work mode" and enjoy Research Country for a few days. I know it may sound silly to take a vacation like that when I work on wildlife conservancies every day, but "work" is the important part of that fact. This trip was an awesome change of pace.
And truly, I kicked ass with food. I ate ad libitum. If I really liked something, I let myself have seconds. I had forgotten what it felt like to be really full and not in energy deficit. I managed to get a good amount of activity in but it was definitely a break for my body given my normal exercise routine.
The bad news: The guilt over all of that has led me to really double down on the same restrictive regime since I've been back. I don't know why I feel like if I gain any weight back at all before I fly home, no one will believe what a hard time I've had here. "Here" being in my brain, I guess? I know it doesn't make sense. I know most people don't even really notice a few pounds here or there, especially under clothes. But if making sense was what mattered my life would have been on a much different trajectory for all these years.
The better news: Remember H., my superstar therapist from undergrad years? The one who I truly believe helped to save my life back then? Well, I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and she agreed to do Skype therapy sessions with me; had my first one this past week. It is SO nice to have her to talk to again. Since I've worked with her I've seen two other therapists and fired both of them, and had one dietitian sort of fire me. I'm not easy, it seems. But she seems to have just the right approach for me and is just really damn good. So that's happening.
Thanks to those who sent support to me about my trip. Take care and treat yourselves kindly, love y'all.
And truly, I kicked ass with food. I ate ad libitum. If I really liked something, I let myself have seconds. I had forgotten what it felt like to be really full and not in energy deficit. I managed to get a good amount of activity in but it was definitely a break for my body given my normal exercise routine.
The bad news: The guilt over all of that has led me to really double down on the same restrictive regime since I've been back. I don't know why I feel like if I gain any weight back at all before I fly home, no one will believe what a hard time I've had here. "Here" being in my brain, I guess? I know it doesn't make sense. I know most people don't even really notice a few pounds here or there, especially under clothes. But if making sense was what mattered my life would have been on a much different trajectory for all these years.
The better news: Remember H., my superstar therapist from undergrad years? The one who I truly believe helped to save my life back then? Well, I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and she agreed to do Skype therapy sessions with me; had my first one this past week. It is SO nice to have her to talk to again. Since I've worked with her I've seen two other therapists and fired both of them, and had one dietitian sort of fire me. I'm not easy, it seems. But she seems to have just the right approach for me and is just really damn good. So that's happening.
Thanks to those who sent support to me about my trip. Take care and treat yourselves kindly, love y'all.
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