I've been home (at my parents' house) for over a week straight now, which has felt a bit strange after so much back-to-back travel. I've basically been back on TRC rations since I've been back from my conference, and went from feeling awesome to shitty in just a few days (surprised, anyone? Didn't think so). I am so uncomfortable with the weight I've gained this past month that I just want to crawl out of my skin, and have been in that oppressive place where I feel like ANYTHING I put into my body is going to inflate it, indefinitely. Rational, no, but if my thoughts about my body were rational I wouldn't be here in the first place.
I think I identified part of the problem, which is a bit TMI maybe. Since I've been traveling so much and hate dealing with tampons etc when I'm away from home, I haven't done a placebo week from the Pill in about 8 weeks (disclaimer, my doctor says it's safe to go up to 3 packs/9weeks between placebos). I was about 12 hours late with a pill earlier this week and my body was super eager to jump into menstrual mode, it seems. Even though I got back on schedule, I think at least some of my body heebie jeebies have been due to bloating from that. When I'm going on placebo week intentionally, I of course know to brace myself for 3-4 extra pounds of water weight that will last for a few days, but this one snuck up on me.
Aside: Maybe this says a lot about my control issues, but I can't imagine being "freeform" with menstrual stuff vs being able to control/anticipate all of it using the Pill.
So whatever the cause, I have been so uncomfortable in my own skin that I literally feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know how to fix this.
A good bit of that is also probably anxiety -- my 10 year high school reunion is tonight. Where did that decade go??? I actually don't have any bitterness about high school. I was too wrapped up in my ED most of the time to get involved in any drama, and people liked me, no one picked on me, I had a date to prom, etc. I wouldn't go through it again for $10 million, but it was alright. I'm totally aware, though, that the people I'll see tonight, almost all of whom I haven't seen in about 10 years, have seen me at close to my rock bottom with my ED. Cue feeling under the microscope, cue anxiety, cue zeroing in on my body to cope. Same ol' same ol'.
More anxiety: next week I'm going to visit my biological dad's (let's call him X.) family. NOT X. himself; I haven't seen him in almost 20 years and hope I never do again. He lives on the other side of the country from the people I'll be visiting, actually just 3 hours from my parents' house.
Despite having nothing to do with him, I do get along really well with his parents and his sister. I went up to visit them all once as a toddler, then in 2010 I saw them for the first time since then. Now I try to go up at least every other year. I am SO much like Grandma X, it's crazy. I think my Nana influenced me a lot just via nurture, but it's super obvious that I got a lot of my "nature" from Grandma X. We have really similar mannerisms, and I see a lot of myself in her personality. During conversation on our first evening together after a 22 year gap in seeing each other, there were several things we responded to with exactly the same phrase, in unison. Match was fascinated.
This will be the first time I've gone up there without Match. His back is still too bad for him to handle travel. I'll miss having my ally/social buffer along. Even though I like these people, I don't know them very well and he's much more like family to me than they are.
Another note: X's sister has two daughters that are younger than me, 18 and 22. Aunt X had eating disorder issues when she was younger (no idea about it as an adult) and has given strong hints that she has picked up on the fact that I really struggle with it too. Her oldest daughter posts a ton of stuff about body image and "healthy is the new skinny" stuff on Facebook, which makes me think that this has at least been a concern for her, even if not an outright ED. She was on her high school wrestling team, which is INCREDIBLY weight-focused, so it wouldn't be a surprise. Anyway, all of that makes me feel under the microscope also. I want to set a good example for the girls but the anxiety of knowing they are probably paying attention and trying to figure me out is more than a little unnerving.
It's pretty self-centered to think all people think about or notice is me and my weight, of course, and I really don't think that. I doubt many of the high school people give a shit. None of my close friends from HS will be there since they've all moved out of state. I wouldn't have traveled to attend this event; I'm just going because it happens to be on one of the few weekends I'm back in town. I do think it's more realistic that Aunt X and her girls will be paying at least some attention to my weight/eating habits. And this time I don't have Match as a social decoy when I start to feel overwhelmed. So it's all a bit stressful.
I did have a good session with H. yesterday. I had way too much to cover for our 45 minutes but it was really helpful. I am SO glad I restarted sessions with her instead of trying to find a new person. She does just the right mix of no-nonsense and compassion to kick my ass but make me appreciate it, if that makes sense. Example: talking about having body ooglies, and my argument sort of started to sound like I was trying to convince her I'm actually fat. ED-brain, yes I know.
Me: I don't think you're getting it.
H.: Well, I don't think you're getting it, and one of us is paying the other for professional advice, and that one of us isn't me.
Hahaha. She actually is really supportive and compassionate but knows the right timing for giving me a jolt when I need it.
She scared me into adding a bit of extra calories yesterday by lecturing me about how I'm not 19 anymore and could feasibly burn out my thyroid if I keep this up. She also assigned me to reread Gaining by Aimee Liu. I read it back in college, but she thinks it would be worth doing again now that I'm at a different life stage, closer to Liu's when she wrote the book.
I guess that's all of my updating for now. It's thunderstorming and I'm missing my normal run time this morning, so I have that to stress about too. Sometimes I wish I could just take my brain out and stash it in a box in the closet so it would just leave me the hell alone.
4 comments:
I cannot take the pill for other non-ED health reasons and I have to say, my period has turned into a handy little gauge for how I'm doing. It just so happens that my menstrual cycle seems to be more sensitive to overexercise/stress than just weight loss (i.e. I will lose my period from running too much even if my weight is robustly healthy). Additionally, having a period has forced me to be much more finely tuned to my body's needs and functioning. I too get horrible mood changes and body ooglies in the week before my period, which has made me a little more rational in responding to body image-related crying jags. One of the first things I do when I'm 'feeling fat' or having especially insane weight thoughts is to ask myself: what's the date? and start counting backwards to see where I am in the cycle. More often than not, that helps explain it and I can better deal with the thoughts. I now realize I am basically telling you how to do CBT on yourself which was not my intention, but this approach has really worked for me. But, I guess my other point was that having a 'natural' period (and I mean that without judgment, just not sure how else to phrase it...chemically unassisted menstruation, perhaps?) has forced me to pay really close attention to how I'm treating my body. Aside from the emotional side of it, if I skip a period or it is a couple weeks late, I find myself taking the time to mull over what has changed: am I stressed? have I been restricting? did I increase my exercise recently? etc. and in that way it really keeps me honest. Not recommending you come off your bc of course, just pointing out that period changes are very real and often a symptom of something else going on. I actually can't imagine being able to micromanage my period at this point, because I rely on it as a thermometer for how well I'm doing.
That's a really interesting perspective, thanks. I never menstruated at all before I started the Pill (when I was 22), actually, so I have zero experience with using it as a health gauge. But every nutritionist I've ever seen has asked about it, so I know it is definitely an important thing to watch if you're not on hormonal BC. I definitely didn't mean to imply every one *should* micromanage their hormones with the Pill, just that letting it freestyle isn't something I can imagine, because I've literally never done it.
It's really interesting that yours responds more to exercise than body weight persay. Physiology is endlessly fascinating . . .
oh and I swear I read the rest of your post besides just the teeny paragraph on female hormonal woes... good luck on the trip to see the other side of the family, that's actually pretty incredible you've been able to have relationships with them. sounds pretty special to have found Grandma X.
Sorry to hear Match's back is still no bueno. Will have fingers and toes crossed he finds some relief very very soon :(
Also, H sounds badass and amazing. Hang onto that one!!!
I'm glad you're getting to see your family! I hope it doesn't end up terribly microscope-y and you can enjoy the time without feeling like you're being watched. I hope the reunion went well! I'm sorry eating has been tough, but I'm glad H is being supportive and firm about it! She sounds great!
Re: period stuff. Seems good that you did allow your body to have your period, even if it was accidental. The body sensations and all the feelz that come with it are so rough. I'm sorry you're dealing with those right now. I tried the Pill for a month or so years ago, but haven't taken it since, so I second what Kaylee said about really checking in with myself about mood and health. I have zero experience about actually knowing when my period will be as a result of meds, but I can pretty much tell from the body feelz and emotional feelz. I try to reach out more for support during that time, which it seems like you're doing, so good for you!!!
Take care, and have a great trip!
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