Had a major bicker with Match yesterday about my exercise habits. Cue existential angst and total despair about ever getting out from under the thumb of this thing.
It's also VERY hard to have an argument with someone when you actually know they're right about everything.
And it's impossible to fill in the parts of the issue that the other person doesn't "get" when you are too ashamed to explain yourself.
Today is a new day, right?
Friday, January 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
2013 commences
Updatage:
I spent two weeks in Match City after New Year's and just got back to my family's house last night. (In case I hadn't explicitly mentioned this, at the moment I have no home place of my own and am bouncing around between other people's bedrooms until I leave for Tropical Research Country. Sounds risque, right? Really it's just exhausting. Oh god maybe that still sounds risque...).
I had a great visit with Match. On several fronts. We were getting along well, especially considering it was our longest continuous trip EVER (an entire month of living together). I also did the best ever with my food. I ate a lot of things/amounts I used to be too shy to consume in front of him. He had to work half-days most of the time I was there, so I had time to get enough exercise in to eat relatively normal amounts for me--ie, more than on typical visits with him. Because I still default to foods with relatively low energy densities, if I'm getting all my workout time in I need volumes of food big enough to make me self-conscious, but I sucked it up and did it and you know what? He loved me anyway. Maybe even moreso for loosening up around him. Win.
Now I won't see him for five months. He and I have to say goodbye all the time, it's the nature of a long-distance relationship. But damn if that wasn't the hardest one ever. We're trying to tell ourselves that we'll both be so busy that it'll go by fast. Right...in the mean time, I need to relearn how to fall asleep without him rubbing my back until I drift off every night.
ED stuff: I was a good girl and took a solid month off of running when my leg was injured, then slowly eased back into it, and now I'm totally back and the leg feels great. Win. I made it through the holiday without losing weight, although I know I should have been working harder at gaining leading up to my trip. Now that I'm back to my own routines the exercise and food stuff are 'same ole same ole', although I'm really trying to work myself up to increasing cals this week.
It's times like this that I remember why my ED flew under the radar so easily for so long. I am so, so unmotivated by food and always have been. I was a painfully picky eater as a kid, and food was never not an issue of contention/confusion for me. I'm trying to incentivize myself to eat more by reminding myself of all the things I won't have in Tropical Research Country (better take advantage of them now!), but I really just don't find food rewarding, and it's not helping my weight gain ambivalence any. (I really hope that wasn't triggering, I think that is just sort of part of my natural temperament, even pre-ED, some people are just more foodies than others and I don't judge people poorly if they are food-motivated. Everyone's senses and reward circuits are their own). There are some exceptions and favorite foods, of course, but I feel like trying to motivate myself based on taste and sense rewards always ends up disappointing me. WOW what a first world problem, given the fact that I'm about to go to a place where malnutrition is the norm, I'm actually pretty ashamed I'm even talking about this. I know everything in this paragraph is not at all a legitimate excuse for being an educated adult and not nourishing oneself adequately, and I'm not trying to use it as a cop-out, just musing.
On that note, I'm going to go berate myself for being a brat and try to stop automatically rolling over in bed to whisper something to a Match that isn't there anymore.
I spent two weeks in Match City after New Year's and just got back to my family's house last night. (In case I hadn't explicitly mentioned this, at the moment I have no home place of my own and am bouncing around between other people's bedrooms until I leave for Tropical Research Country. Sounds risque, right? Really it's just exhausting. Oh god maybe that still sounds risque...).
I had a great visit with Match. On several fronts. We were getting along well, especially considering it was our longest continuous trip EVER (an entire month of living together). I also did the best ever with my food. I ate a lot of things/amounts I used to be too shy to consume in front of him. He had to work half-days most of the time I was there, so I had time to get enough exercise in to eat relatively normal amounts for me--ie, more than on typical visits with him. Because I still default to foods with relatively low energy densities, if I'm getting all my workout time in I need volumes of food big enough to make me self-conscious, but I sucked it up and did it and you know what? He loved me anyway. Maybe even moreso for loosening up around him. Win.
Now I won't see him for five months. He and I have to say goodbye all the time, it's the nature of a long-distance relationship. But damn if that wasn't the hardest one ever. We're trying to tell ourselves that we'll both be so busy that it'll go by fast. Right...in the mean time, I need to relearn how to fall asleep without him rubbing my back until I drift off every night.
ED stuff: I was a good girl and took a solid month off of running when my leg was injured, then slowly eased back into it, and now I'm totally back and the leg feels great. Win. I made it through the holiday without losing weight, although I know I should have been working harder at gaining leading up to my trip. Now that I'm back to my own routines the exercise and food stuff are 'same ole same ole', although I'm really trying to work myself up to increasing cals this week.
It's times like this that I remember why my ED flew under the radar so easily for so long. I am so, so unmotivated by food and always have been. I was a painfully picky eater as a kid, and food was never not an issue of contention/confusion for me. I'm trying to incentivize myself to eat more by reminding myself of all the things I won't have in Tropical Research Country (better take advantage of them now!), but I really just don't find food rewarding, and it's not helping my weight gain ambivalence any. (I really hope that wasn't triggering, I think that is just sort of part of my natural temperament, even pre-ED, some people are just more foodies than others and I don't judge people poorly if they are food-motivated. Everyone's senses and reward circuits are their own). There are some exceptions and favorite foods, of course, but I feel like trying to motivate myself based on taste and sense rewards always ends up disappointing me. WOW what a first world problem, given the fact that I'm about to go to a place where malnutrition is the norm, I'm actually pretty ashamed I'm even talking about this. I know everything in this paragraph is not at all a legitimate excuse for being an educated adult and not nourishing oneself adequately, and I'm not trying to use it as a cop-out, just musing.
On that note, I'm going to go berate myself for being a brat and try to stop automatically rolling over in bed to whisper something to a Match that isn't there anymore.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Obligatory holiday recap post and status update
Well hi there, happy 2013. I haven't updated in quite a while; I flew up to Match City on December 16, we drove back to my parent's house on the 20th and spent Christmas there, did a road trip back to my Undergrad Town (LOVE LOVE that place) a couple of days after Christmas, and the plan was for Match to drive back to his own city this week to start work today, with me planning to fly out to spend another week or two with him later in January.
Then on Tuesday morning we started looking at plane ticket prices and realized how much more sense it would make for me to ride back with him on Wednesday and buy just a one-way ticket back, which carried the added benefit of me being here before he starts classes again later in the month. He still has to work at least a half-day most days, but at least he doesn't have classes and studying on top of that for now.
SO the upshot of all of that is that I had about 4 hours notice on Tuesday that instead of returning to all of my routines and norms and alone time as of yesterday, I actually needed to pack for a 600 mile road trip to stay up here in Match City for 2 weeks.
YIIIIIIPE.
Fortunately it was less disruptive to do this leaving from my parents' house than if I'd been leaving my own place (which I don't actually have right now; I'm subletting my apartment in PhD City until I get back from Tropical Research Country in June. I need a fictional Cammy Atlas or something to keep all these places straight). Basically, between now and June, no matter where I am it is not my own space, so whatever.
So I'm here. It's actually going to be a bit of a relief because I'll have the place to myself until at least the afternoon and sometimes all day for most days due to Match's work schedule. And I waaaay prefer sharing a bathroom with Match to sharing one with my two teenage brothers (gag). I have access to a gym here, and the public transit is good enough to get me anywhere I need to go on my own. So it could be worse.
I did okay ED-wise over the holidays given the circumstances. While we were at my parents' house I managed to get by on between 1/2-3/4 of normal exercise most days (sometimes less, just once or twice a bit more) by going to the gym early in the morning before Match was awake (he knew I was going, I just did it that way to avoid losing waking time with everyone). I did adjust my calories accordingly, but did NOT overcompensate out of anxiety (ie burning X less calories in exercise but taking in 2X less in food just because I'm nervous about the change in routine), which has been a strong trend during past holiday seasons.
Some days I did even come close to normal cals despite the reduced exercise (read: holiday parties = lots of alcohol = Cammy hates to let a good wine go to waste, elliptical time be damned). And I did feel a possible slight shift of norm, I think if I pushed I could let myself have full cals at 3/4 baseline exercise to start with, and try to walk it back further from there...we'll see. I have less than a month before I leave for Tropical Research Country and did need to gain some weight before that...
Speaking of that, I haven't weighed myself at all since I left PhD City, so I have no idea what my weight did over the holidays. I feel kind of blobby because I haven't had time to get in weight-lifting and strength training like I like, but I learned long ago not to trust my perceptions on that kind of thing. And stuff still fits the same as far as I can notice. So there's that.
I feel like Match and I grow/develop/figure things out a bit more on each visit, and this will set a record as our longest continuous visit ever (over a month). There were a couple of rocky patches, but really just one or two significant fights and I feel like sometimes that's part of the growing process. So I think that's going well, which is a relief because we need a solid standing to go over 4 months without seeing each other during my upcoming field research session.
Ooookay that's my long holiday update, sorry y'all. I feel like I'm glossing over tons of detail but most of it was probably mundane and of minimal interest anyway. I'm behind on reading blogs since I haven't had the same amount of free internet time while visiting with family/Match, but plan to catch up soon. Really hope everyone is doing well; happy holidays. Love y'all.
Then on Tuesday morning we started looking at plane ticket prices and realized how much more sense it would make for me to ride back with him on Wednesday and buy just a one-way ticket back, which carried the added benefit of me being here before he starts classes again later in the month. He still has to work at least a half-day most days, but at least he doesn't have classes and studying on top of that for now.
SO the upshot of all of that is that I had about 4 hours notice on Tuesday that instead of returning to all of my routines and norms and alone time as of yesterday, I actually needed to pack for a 600 mile road trip to stay up here in Match City for 2 weeks.
YIIIIIIPE.
Fortunately it was less disruptive to do this leaving from my parents' house than if I'd been leaving my own place (which I don't actually have right now; I'm subletting my apartment in PhD City until I get back from Tropical Research Country in June. I need a fictional Cammy Atlas or something to keep all these places straight). Basically, between now and June, no matter where I am it is not my own space, so whatever.
So I'm here. It's actually going to be a bit of a relief because I'll have the place to myself until at least the afternoon and sometimes all day for most days due to Match's work schedule. And I waaaay prefer sharing a bathroom with Match to sharing one with my two teenage brothers (gag). I have access to a gym here, and the public transit is good enough to get me anywhere I need to go on my own. So it could be worse.
I did okay ED-wise over the holidays given the circumstances. While we were at my parents' house I managed to get by on between 1/2-3/4 of normal exercise most days (sometimes less, just once or twice a bit more) by going to the gym early in the morning before Match was awake (he knew I was going, I just did it that way to avoid losing waking time with everyone). I did adjust my calories accordingly, but did NOT overcompensate out of anxiety (ie burning X less calories in exercise but taking in 2X less in food just because I'm nervous about the change in routine), which has been a strong trend during past holiday seasons.
Some days I did even come close to normal cals despite the reduced exercise (read: holiday parties = lots of alcohol = Cammy hates to let a good wine go to waste, elliptical time be damned). And I did feel a possible slight shift of norm, I think if I pushed I could let myself have full cals at 3/4 baseline exercise to start with, and try to walk it back further from there...we'll see. I have less than a month before I leave for Tropical Research Country and did need to gain some weight before that...
Speaking of that, I haven't weighed myself at all since I left PhD City, so I have no idea what my weight did over the holidays. I feel kind of blobby because I haven't had time to get in weight-lifting and strength training like I like, but I learned long ago not to trust my perceptions on that kind of thing. And stuff still fits the same as far as I can notice. So there's that.
I feel like Match and I grow/develop/figure things out a bit more on each visit, and this will set a record as our longest continuous visit ever (over a month). There were a couple of rocky patches, but really just one or two significant fights and I feel like sometimes that's part of the growing process. So I think that's going well, which is a relief because we need a solid standing to go over 4 months without seeing each other during my upcoming field research session.
Ooookay that's my long holiday update, sorry y'all. I feel like I'm glossing over tons of detail but most of it was probably mundane and of minimal interest anyway. I'm behind on reading blogs since I haven't had the same amount of free internet time while visiting with family/Match, but plan to catch up soon. Really hope everyone is doing well; happy holidays. Love y'all.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Trapped
Having a sort of low period right now with exercise/food stuff. By sort of I might mean really. By really I mean a two days of alternating between choking up when thinking about it and feeling completely blank, bleak, and apathetic about it. I.don't.know.the.way.out.
I think that while I'm living on my own, in full-blast work mode during the semester, I lose sight of how extreme or atypical some of my behaviors get. Now that I'm home, co-habitating with real live normal people, it's sort of an eye opener. This stuff is frustrating for my family and for me, and at the same time I just can't let things go, and I feel like shit physically all the time (not sure why this just kicked in, maybe I was too busy to notice it before, maybe a few days of bad eating on the trip down here are still affecting me). Most of all, I hate that my mind is not in a place that lets me be the girlfriend/daughter/granddaughter/sister that I really want to be. I hate that Match even has to think about things like this, at our stage of life:
Leaving tomorrow to visit Match at his place for a few days, then he and I are coming back here (to my parents' house, have I updated since I did the big move from PhD City?) for Christmas together. I'm so, so nervous about how I'm going to handle food/exercise stuff on such a long visit schedule.
I really think the only word I can come up with that can organize my feelings at the moment is just "trapped."
I think that while I'm living on my own, in full-blast work mode during the semester, I lose sight of how extreme or atypical some of my behaviors get. Now that I'm home, co-habitating with real live normal people, it's sort of an eye opener. This stuff is frustrating for my family and for me, and at the same time I just can't let things go, and I feel like shit physically all the time (not sure why this just kicked in, maybe I was too busy to notice it before, maybe a few days of bad eating on the trip down here are still affecting me). Most of all, I hate that my mind is not in a place that lets me be the girlfriend/daughter/granddaughter/sister that I really want to be. I hate that Match even has to think about things like this, at our stage of life:
Leaving tomorrow to visit Match at his place for a few days, then he and I are coming back here (to my parents' house, have I updated since I did the big move from PhD City?) for Christmas together. I'm so, so nervous about how I'm going to handle food/exercise stuff on such a long visit schedule.
I really think the only word I can come up with that can organize my feelings at the moment is just "trapped."
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Holiday break commences
To give you an idea of how the past week or so has gone, the last thing Match said to me tonight was: "I really need you to believe that everything will be okay."
Holy holiday stress. FYI I'm now out of PhD City (miss it already) and with family for the break before I leave for Tropical Research Country. Cue all of the adjustment anxiety to sharing a kitchen, being around a loud group of young men (dad plus two teenage brothers) and three cats plus two dogs plus a house I've never lived in before in a town to which I tie only unhealthy associations.
It WILL be okay, though.
Holy holiday stress. FYI I'm now out of PhD City (miss it already) and with family for the break before I leave for Tropical Research Country. Cue all of the adjustment anxiety to sharing a kitchen, being around a loud group of young men (dad plus two teenage brothers) and three cats plus two dogs plus a house I've never lived in before in a town to which I tie only unhealthy associations.
It WILL be okay, though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)