So much has happened since the last time I updated, and I am having a hard time making sense of it, so I thought writing a post might help me organize it a bit in my mind.
Also, I am WAY behind on reading other's blogs, sorry y'all. I left Tropical Research Country on June 2 and have been traveling nonstop since then. I was home (at my parents' house) for two days, drove up to see my Match, stayed 3 days, drove home, had one full day here, then took another road trip for a professional conference, was there for a few days, and got back last night. I stayed busy from about 6:30 am to midnight every day at the conference, so I've got tons to catch up on.
I actually just stopped while writing to read my last post and remind myself of where I was the last time I updated. Yikes. This was a rough field season for sure.
I've been seeing H. via Skype sessions again for about a month now and it has been SO helpful. We clicked just like before. I've failed at therapy with many different people, but she seems to have just the right approach to be supportive while also challenging me. And she has now known me for about 8 years, so I think she has some special insights from seeing me through several stages of life as well as the ED.
So, now the weird part. In a lot of ways, I'm fucking fantastic. In some ways, that scares me at the same time that it encourages me.
The people around the research centre in Tropical Research Country often talk about their "rebound week" after returning to the U.S., in which they essentially eat themselves silly because of all the things they missed. No one starves where we work (unless you have an ED-addled brain, ahem), but it's the psychological issue of all of the sudden having access to EVERYTHING after months of a bland and monotonous diet and no real choices.
I think I've had about two rebound weeks now, because of that and also because biologically I did come back starving. My weight the day I left was the lowest it's been in years and years, and my brain was definitely in that food-obsessed starvation mode. I was killing up to three hours a day just looking at restaurant menus on Yelp and TripAdvisor. No bueno.
The upshot of that is that I've regained weight. Like, faster than ever before in my life. Like, I'm already back to where I was before I left for the field in January. My body really doesn't "like" being as low as I was, so I guess it makes sense that there was some bounce-back. But if you had told me a month ago that I'd "undo all my work" in this short a span of time I would have had a mental meltdown.
And you know what? I feel okay. It's sort of nonlinear I guess. Overall I'm not any unhappier (that's the baseline to be honest, I don't
know if I'll ever be happy with my body) with my body now than I was at
my low point for this year. Brains are so weird.
I still have body ooglies, obviously. I have always fixated on my stomach, and at the conference this past week I worried that people would think I got knocked up in Research Country because I was afraid that I look pregnant. I am worried about the scale rising and rising. I worry that no one will believe what a hard year it's been if I don't look chiseled down to nothing.
But I also feel SO much better in pretty much every way. Basically I feel like I went from feeling dead to feeling alive again, even after less than a month. I can literally feel such a difference in my metabolism. I'm sleeping better. I'd forgotten what it was like to not feel drained all the time, but I feel like Tigger with all this energy now. I won the 5k race at the conference for women and even outran all but one of the men. I can read an entire news article without having to reread half the paragraphs because my tired/distracted brain is having a hard time focusing. I left the Equator but am suddenly not cold all the time anymore. I'm interested in Stuff with my boyfriend again after a spell when that was the last thing my body felt like bothering with (or even talking about; which can cause problems when you have a deprived boy thousands miles away). My brain is taking a while to catch up to my body getting more and more restored, but the food-obsessive thoughts are already abating.
And you know what? Eating without letting ED call the shots is FUN. Like, for real. Match and I went on dates and I ordered what I wanted from the menu instead of agonizing over what I "should" have. At the conference, my labmate and I made the most of the breakfast buffet at the hotel every morning. I tried a bunch of new beers that I loved over a few nights of brewery visits with some old conference buddies. We went out to dinner the last evening and shared a bunch of appetizers, had cocktails, ordered fun entrees, and got (gasp) dessert on a whim. Tiramisu cake, just for the record, because it was amazing and I ate my entire six-inch tall piece. WHO IS THIS PERSON DOING THESE THINGS? I don't know, but I do know that she was having a hell of a lot more fun than the person in the whittled down body weighing out her XX grams of bran flakes for dinner a month earlier.
I think a big factor is that I'm SO much happier now that I'm home and have my people again. I stayed lonely and depressed and emotional for a lot of this past field season. Match is still the love of my life and we picked back up where we left off, as always. I was still a bit anxious and emotional when I was at his place (just three days post-return and still jet-lagged), but we managed to have a good visit. My parents and my grandfather are my rocks as well, and having time with them has felt like such a luxury. Things were in such disarray when I left in January that in some ways I think I was emotionally "holding my breath" the entire five months until I could get back here to be with them again. Coming home felt like coming back up for air and just gasping to get life back into myself again.
This isn't to say I'm Better with a capital B. It's not my first rodeo, and I know my patterns. I tend to be more liberal
with food and such when I'm out of my routine environment, so settling
into the old schedule at my parent's house and then Match's place when
I'm there for more than a few days will probably be pivotal in not
slipping back into restriction. Things are still volatile between my parents, my grandfather is not getting any younger, Match is still managing a pretty big health issue, and I'm still disenchanted with my PhD. My body still has repair work to do -- I think my metabolism revving up after a period of depletion has been hard on my old embattled heart muscles, which has been a bit scary. But I think H. is helping me figure out how to manage it so all of that doesn't overwhelm my brain and make me feel like the only thing I can really manage with certainty is my weight. And honestly I just am so happy to be back with the people I love.
Okay, now that I've written a book, that's all for now. I've missed you ladies and am working on catching up on blogs and correspondence. Love y'all.
3 comments:
So glad to have ya back! Also great to hear that you've been connecting with H again and that it has been helpful. If nothing else, I think having that point of treatment contact at the very least serves as a reminder that things are not yet "normal" or healthy..makes it harder to fall into a sort of apathetic "I'm fine, it's not that bad" mindset, you know? Sounds like the social piece/family support is clutch for you in terms of the ED.
Re the "rebound" week effect - does it feel temporary? like a vacation from restricting that you are only okay with because you know it won't last? just asking out of curiosity, really, and wondering what the shift in your head has been. I've never been able to "let go" like that in any sustained way; even though I'm eating normal amounts now and am at a healthy weight, I am still super rigid about calories etc - like I still never order "what I want" at a restaurant; I order based on calories, and it frustrates me to no end. It's like more about rigidity and OCD-ness than actual restricting at this point.
anyway, hope things are continuing to look up. take care
Re: re: the "rebound" week. It is definitely temporary, and for me it is very situational. I was home for a few days before the conference and was eating my normally budgeted calories like a robot, then was definitely indulgent while I was away. It's like a switch in my mind flips when I'm in a new place. I am pretty ritualistic, and it's like I can escape a lot of the "rules" when I'm away from home. After about 4 days to a week I establish a new rigid routine wherever I am and things get back to normal. Over the past few weeks I haven't been in one place more than about 4 days at a time, though. But I was "living it up" with food at the conference until Thursday, then immediately upon getting home I switched back to the calorie regime I'd had for the last few months with no difficulty really. It's weird.
Being able to order what I *want* from menus is still something that is pretty new to me and only really started happening a year or so ago. I think that spending so much time overseas when so little is available to me has made me give myself a break a bit, because I know I can't just always go down the street or to the store and get X if I want it, if that makes sense. Also, I think becoming a full-on vegetarian (I gradually phased out animal by animal) forced me to branch out of what had become my "safety" orders and that got me used to actually considering different menu options rather than ordering a standard grilled chicken salad or whatever.
ahh gotcha so you did end up going full-on veggie. It's weird because Ive heard of people going vegetarian as a way to mask their restriction, but for me meat products tend to relatively "safe" compared to stuff like rice, potatoes, veggie burgers, etc when it's hard to tell what's in it. (have we had this conversation before? I'm having deja vu). Anyway I can see how that would force you to branch out a little. I am also super ritualistic on ordinary days and much better able to mix it up when I'm away from home, on vacation, etc....that being said, I always tend to under-eat out of excessive caution of overeating, lol. And I think my diet is at a place now where I am getting enough in my daily intake that I am not really tempted to have those 'cheat' days or whatever you want to call them. For me, fantasizing about food, poring over menus, etc. has ALWAYS meant I'm seriously undernourished. But I'm sure you know this already... Anyway, be kind to yourself.
Post a Comment