Ways I am trying to do well with some challenges:
1) One thing that is both great and potentially dangerous about PhD City is that I walk a LOT. Now a trip to the gym involves a substantial round-trip walk, whereas before I always drove to my workouts. With that plus walking around town and various errands, my energy output has been pretty constant and significant, and I've definitely felt the drained, fuzzy-headedness a few days that tell me I'm in an energy deficit even when I'm not "stomach hungry." So, in an unfathomably logical move, I actually added extra calories today. Who woulda thunk it? At some point soon I'm going to just have to scale back the formal exercise to make up for all my foot-commuting, especially once classes start. It will be okay, must tell myself this.
2) In addition to adding more calories today, I've been eating some things that aren't items I'd normally consume. That's because Match bought some groceries for himself during his visit and left them here and I am BROKER than broke can be at the moment and just can't let any of it go to waste. It's nothing major, just things like having white bread instead of wheat, margarine instead of butter, little things that are probably totally insignificant on the scale at which I consume use them until they're used up. But it did take a bit of a mental push for me to break rules about what is and isn't Cammy Food, you know? (by the way the simple fact that I normally buy butter now is a HUGE improvement over the state of my anti-fat food habits a few years ago).
3) The climate/environment here is one that has always resulted in an absolute disappearance of my appetite. That was a factor in a really severe relapse that I had in 2007 when I spent the summer in a city in a different state but similar environment. I've definitely noticed the effect here (Match totally lost his appetite here too, I swear I'm not crazy...okay you probably know better than that, but I swear THIS is not one of my forms of crazy). But this time, unlike in 2007, instead of taking advantage of that, I'm being diligent about making sure I get my calories in, whether I feel the physical need to sit down for a meal or not.
4) Okay so I know this is a common issue, but I was going through some recent pictures last night and couldn't believe how big I looked in them. To me. Who the hell knows what it really looks like. It was just so weird because I know that in actuality my weight is the lowest it's been in a long time, but it was either the angles in the photos or what I was wearing or or my current body proportions (anyone have boobs to spare?) or just my crazy fucking skewed perception. I think the fact that I've built some muscle with the weight training and running (finally able to start lifting weights again, and didn't lose as much muscle as I'd feared during the hiatus), especially in my legs, just makes them look more solid or whatever, and I perceive that as bulk on myself when I would NOT on someone else. I seriously almost just didn't post any photo with me in it from the whole road trip/exploring sessions that Match and I documented...but I guess I was in enough of an insomnia-induced haze that I put them up anyway. And you know what? The one in which I thought my body looked the absolute worst and most bulky was the one that got the most "likes" and comments. Go figure.
I thought I was going to have a friend from college here for the weekend (the person lives in an adjacent state, although still an 11 hour drive away), but that fell through at the last minute. I'm bummed about that for a few reasons, but have to admit that it's been really nice to just have some quiet, laid-back time to myself, Match has only been gone for 3 days and I just came off an intensely social/cohabitation-heavy summer. I had a bit of a lonely spell when I first found out my friend wasn't coming, but it's probably better this way for multiple reasons.
I hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend, love y'all.
2 comments:
I am so incredibly impressed by the hard work you've been doing! Congrats on listening to your body and upping the cals to account for all the extra walking! That really is such a positive step, as is eating foods that are scary for you. It's so hard to be out of the comfort zone with food options, but it really sounds like you're pushing through it. And major kudos on eating what you need to despite the lack of appetite.
Picture stuff is soooo hard, but I'm really proud of you for just posting them anyway, despite the skewed perception of how you think you look. By the way, you look beautiful :) And if you're in the market for some spare boob-age, I'd be willing to donate to the cause. Really.
I hope you're able to use the weekend to recharge and refresh, despite some disappointment! Keep up the awesome work!
Great job on upping the cals! Seems like a silly "um, duh" kind of thing, but it's actually SUCH a huge deal, and you should be super proud. Same with the new/different foods, congrats!
Ugh, I hear ya on the pictures. I have melted down over many a photograph of myself. Unfortunately it's not feasible to avoid your own image forever, but you seem aware of the fact that your perspective is distorted. And it IS. Like A said above, the pics are beautiful and you are not even remotely close to bulky.
PS Alie, I'm also in the market!
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