I'm noticing that even accidental backsliding (ie I was not depressed or body-image challenged or intentionally trying to cut drop weight or escalate behaviors) puts me in a pretty dark place in a lot of aspects of life besides eating. I get pretty apathetic about pain and self-care, I get ridiculously small amounts of sleep, etc.
When I've slipped, I drive more recklessly. I brush my teeth too hard. My mood swings are steeper and deeper. I make way more trips up the stairs, out to the car, etc than necessary, not to burn calories but just to inconvenience myself. I don't really put any effort into my appearance when I go out. I have a harder time making decisions. It's sort of a weird place. It just becomes a very odd, "Idontgiveafuckaboutmyself" cycle, and I've been through it enough times to know that it absolutely correlates to a drop in weight, intentional or otherwise, and creates a negative feedback cycle as the less healthy one becomes, the less one gives a shit. It's interesting to me that I don't even have to get to a critical weight for it to happen, I just have to have some degree of reversion and it's like my body just jumps into an old familiar mode. I'm totally a believer in the mind-body feedback that goes on when it comes to your health (given that your mind is basically an emergent property of your body, but that's a discussion for another time and place), so it makes sense I suppose.
So I swear this is not going to be another post lamenting weight loss (which I swear I am working on reversing). I just find the body-mind feedback loop endlessly fascinating, I feel like I've done the whole thing so many times now that I can sort of watch it with a clinical eye, because I know that I will in fact pull out of it and don't have to feel scared/despairing/hopeless anymore. And now I'm tired of talking about that stuff and want to talk about positives.
Good things this week:
--I was asked to review a manuscript for a pretty prestigious science journal, which makes me feel both incredibly validated and incredibly intimidated. But it's good to have a project.
--I bought a new sketch book. I used to be very into art, actually, before I went to college and traded all of my hobbies for study time. I've shown Match some of my old work and I guess he thought I was legit enough that he has been bugging me to pick it up again as a non-exercise stress outlet, and I finally listened. I think I might work on making some sketches/composite scenes from the photos I took during my trip last month.
--Just FOUR DAYS til my Match visit!
--Season 5 is the best.season.ever. of Mad Men. The saddest ever also, but just beautifully done. Just FYI.
--I have all of the formatting/editing/etc DONE on my thesis and just need one more signature from my adviser (on vacation this week) before I can officially submit it to the grad school. woot woot!
--Ordered graduation announcements this week! I'm not actually going to my graduation, as I hated that school and hope to never set foot in that city again for the rest of my life, but I figured I should do something to make the degree seem like a milestone.
--This borders on confounding with the overexercise explosion since I've been home, but I am making such marked progress with my running, it makes me so happy. I've kept the distance consistent and have just increased the proportion of it that I run vs walk (I started off really easing into it), and am to the point of running nearly all of it still with NO knee pain whatsoever. And this is despite going cold turkey from it for 3 weeks while I was out of the country. I will never be a daily runner again, and I never was or will be into very long distances, but just knowing I didn't actually screw my body up too much to do something I love is a huge relief. And a motivation to keep it healthy and not go out of control (who, me? never! okay, often).
--A picture is worth a thousand words:
--After I get back from the Match trip I'll be staying with my family at their new house, in a city near where I went to high school, so I'm hoping it will be a good chance to catch up with old friends. My maternal grandparents will also be nearby--I am extremely close to them; they helped to raise me for a while after my mom and I left my biological father when I was a young kid. So I think that the gap between the Match visit and me moving to PhD city in August will be way less lonely and isolated than the past couple of weeks have been.
Okay, those are my positives. Yet another sort of self-update focused post, though, I actually have one planned sharing some of the health-mind-body related insights I felt like I took away from my recent trip.
Participatory prompt: going back to the art item above, tell me about a hobby/talent/avocation that you use to de-stress?
Love y'all.
7 comments:
While I'm realy sorry that you're in this dark circle, I think it's so amazing that you're able to recognize it. Awesome awareness right there. I'm glad to hear that you're working on the weight loss, and I'm sure the dark circle will leave once you achieve a better place physically.
Congrats on the good stuff going on too! I think art is an awesome way to channel that stress. I'm glad running is pain-free as well, and that you're being healthy and careful about it.
To answer your prompt: I've been playing the French horn for 15 years, and I have always used it as a go-to for de-stressing. Works like a charm...when I remember to do it instead of an unhealthy stress outlet.
Yikes, sorry about the dark circling going on. I hate that you're feeling so down, but at least you're motivated to change things. WOW about the science journal, that's incredibly impressive. And congrats on graduation, even if the school was a sucky experience for you. On to bigger and better things!
The art sounds like a great idea. Go Match! After quitting violin and running, I've been woefully lacking in healthy de-stressing activities, but my roommate has inspired me to take up crafting. I'm a total newbie, just learned how to make friendship bracelets (what? am I in sixth grade?) but we're progressing to crochet and latch hook next. (Actually, am I eighty?)
Re. the picture: WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?
Alie: wow, French horn is impressive! Music is such a good outlet; I miss my piano.
Kaylee: I found that Food fo the Gods at Target, and it is awesome! I've putting it on banana bread...Todiefor. Not nearly as plasticky as Nutella, which I like the taste of but just can't stand in terms of texture. And crafting is great for the non-geriatric/adolescents too, haha, I really like cross stitch, counting the stitches and double checking the pattern is a great way to put OCD to work with at making something pretty. ;)
i totally believe that the mind and body are very intricately connected. as i've been struggling a bit over the past few weeks with ed stuff, i've WAY noticed my mood plummet. darn brain just wants food! ;)
glad things are looking up, and very glad you will not be too lonely this summer. keep going cammy! <3
I wish I could draw well! I don't have a creative bone in my body, sadly, but I like birdwatching and reading (fantasy or popular science, usually). When I'm really stressed I usually resort to flicking through my bird field guide and planning all the places I can go and the wildlife I can see. (Not exactly the coolest way to calm down, but I can live with that.)
Sorry about your accidental backsliding, but I'm glad you're able to pull yourself out of it. It always seems weird to me that I still get such powerful thoughts/feelings which my 'rational mind' realises are incorrect. It sounds like you have lots of awesome stuff going on at the moment. I'm really glad you're moving somewhere less isolated. And I'm jealous of that spread- sometimes I think that food in the UK isn't nearly as much fun as it is over there!
I'm glad you're assessing what's going on with such a clear perspective. That's always important. I live that you're going back to art. I am an artist too, and it always soothes me and gives me such a sense of satisfaction. Obviously you also know I'm a writer. But art has always been a hobby of mine and I almost went to college for it instead of English. Maybe you can post some of your work. I'd love to see it!
Hi Cammy,
I relate to the 'dark cycle' thing so much. I remember the first time I understood the mind/body connection thing properly for the first time. I was sixteen and before that I had a really Cartesian view of my body and mind. I got soaked in the rain and was freezing. My mind was just overcome with stress. I had OCD at the time and I was just frozen, unable to think properly, or to act. I managed to go and take the steps to just have a hot shower and get warm and as soon as I got warmer, my mind was instantly calmer. It's so mundane, but before that I just didn't understand/ accept that connection whatsoever. I had to learn a whole more about it in recovery!
Congratulations on your graduation.
best wishes,
Sarah.
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