Bit of a rough week hereabouts. I thought I was putting my disappeared weight back on at a pretty quick pace, chalking it up to dehydration and such, but failed to take into account that my weight always jumps a few pounds overnight at the beginning of a Pill placebo week (last week, aren't you glad I keep you updated on the status of my ovaries), and it comes off just as quickly at the end of the week. So I'm sort of back to when I first stepped off the plane in the States. And that combined with a lot of loneliness/existential frustration now that I'm back from the field has made things a bit sticky. The situation is possibly best encapsulated in this exchange:
Me: [Don't recall my exact words, but basically expressing to Match that I haven't actually regained any weight and was worried he wouldn't be as attracted to me as usual on our upcoming visit].
Match: Well you know I'm always attracted to you, but low weights do make me worry about you a lot.
Me: I know, it wasn't on purpose this time.
Match: Can I ask something?
Me: Always.
Match: If you seem to realize you're less attractive at the lower weight, why aren't you doing more work to gain the weight back? What's the wrench in the motivation? [jokey voice]: I mean, there's a McDonald's at the end of your street...
Me: I really wish I knew the answer to that.
Match: [Don't remember his exact words, basically reassurance that he knows it's complicated and hard and wasn't trying to blame me].
So that's sort of where things are. I'm eating my baseline cals, despite the fact that for some reason I've had absolutely no appetite since I've been back. I had a stomach bug the first few days back, and then thought it was because I was re-caffienating my lifestyle, but I think it's beyond that. I've been really lonely and apathetic, and I definitely fall into the "stress non-eater" category (lifelong, pre-ED habit), so that's probably a lot of it. The other day I prepared my lunch, sat down to eat it while catching up on some articles on the computer (I know you're not supposed to multitask while eating but I HAVE to have something else to do with my mind in order to have the patience to get that much food down my throat), and I literally just forgot about the meal in front of me for an entire hour while I was absorbed in reading. Motivation = 0. Like I said, though, I've basically just been doing eating as rote routine and still getting my cals in. The only explanation for the non-weight gain is probably just a product of the fact that my exercise time has exploded here despite my lack of formal gym access.
Maybe I have some awesome tropical parasite that will get me into an article somewhere, that would be cool. Maybe it's a new species. One can only dream.
Seriously, though, this is a slip but not a relapse. My weight is definitely below where it should be but didn't drop by a catastrophic, life-threatening amount, and I haven't lost more since I've been back, at least. And I have no desire to lose more. I would be fine with gaining more. I just don't seem to want to make myself do it. Makes a ton of sense, right?
This is where D. would totally kick my ass as motivation, but I am D-less now. Sink or swim, Cammy. And swimming burns more calories, so don't fucking sink. Bad joke. The trend of exercise accumulation is an issue but one that will be involuntarily disrupted soon.
In one week I'll be sitting on a plane to Match City, so that's good.
It kind of scares me that I can swing so wildly from feeling great about things to just not caring within the space of a couple of weeks. I wonder what it says about me that I'm always at my peak mental health when I'm in Third World countries. First World Problems indeed. [admit it, I know you've been irked by some of the things in that video yourself, I'll admit I have].
I really hope everyone had a good weekend. And special thanks to everyone who reached out to me when I mentioned how lonely I was in the past post. You ladies are fantastic, I mean it.
4 comments:
I'm sorry to hear that it's been a rough stretch. The false-gain sounds frustrating, I can imagine that motivation would be a challenge when something like that happens. I'm glad to read that you're getting the baseline cals in at least, would there be any way to just try a supplement of some sort to quickly and (somewhat) painlessly up the cals? Sort of a close-your-eyes-and-drink-fast kind of thing? Just to help a bit? The exercise definitely does sound like cause for concern, but it's good that you're aware of it. Maybe the trip to Match City will also help shake up your routine and get you un-stuck from so much exercise. Anyway, I hope the motivation returns, and even if it doesn't, sometimes the "fake it til you make it" cliche really does work (please don't hate me for pulling out that phrase, lol). Good luck to you!
Captain obvious re: the how your mood can change so fast/so much-- Not being fed [enough] really fucks with your mind. Being less than your healthy weight fucks with your mind.
It's such a sucky trap because you feel *less* able than usual to feed yourself but it's even more important/crucial than usual.
I second the shake/supplement thing. Potbelly's shakes were my go to suck it up [literally] and get a boat load of cals in at once. Not a healthy long term thing [because being too depressed to eat isn't exactly a lifelong ideal] but it's what I've done to get me over the hump when I've had trouble in the past.
Have fun at Match City. When are you starting school/moving to new grad school?
Sorry the gain turned out to be a fluke on the scale, what a bummer. On the bright side, I'm so proud of you for being disappointed instead of happy about the loss. That's a really positive, non-ED development. Would it be easier to focus more on cutting the exercise, since you aren't feeling super motivated about addressing the food side of things? I remember that strength training was a really positive experience for you - are you still doing that? Maybe it would be more palatable to reframe it as gaining strength and fitness again, not just weight. I know it the exercise has been a longterm issue for you and it probably isn't realistic to cut it down drastically, but it seemed like lifting was a way for you to incorporate exercise into a more healthy kind of routine. Im just speculating now, let me know if I'm way off!
Anyways, good luck moving forward. You always seem to be able to turn things around, and I know you can do it again. xoxo
Since you are living with your family, this may be a good chance for you to actually confide in them about how things are going and get some support. I know that's kind of not how you do things, but that would be how I would approach this situation. Get some accountability and maybe a dining partner and someone to go get a milkshake or a sundae with at the end of the day. I hate these times--I've had them too!
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