Placebo Pity Party (and Broader Recovery Tie-Ins)

Warning, lots of girl talk! I don't know how many male readers I have these days (I love it when readers delurk, by the way!), but I felt the need to issue a disclaimer, even though I've tried to turn the girly issues into broader recovery lessons. Anyway, here we go.

I think these days birth control placebo weeks are one of the biggest triggers for me to struggle with staying on track with keeping ED behaviors at bay.

 Long-time readers might remember that I had a ton of angst and anxiety leading up to starting my birth control pills. I was afraid they'd give me acne, make me emotional, and, most of all of course, make me gain weight.

Various treatment providers had been trying to get me on BC for years to help with my skimpy bone density, but I kept putting it off until I was in a serious relationship and the costs of being afraid of it had a growing potential to outweigh the benefits.

And the result? I LOVE the BC pills and like my body a lot better on them.  I did not, in fact, gain any weight when I started taking them, and the hormone boost actually redistributed the weight I had in a more feminine way, which helped to make me feel at least a bit sexier and more confident than if I were still shaped like a rectangular milk carton.

Anyway, gist of it is that after all those years of fearing them, now I HATE the placebo week when I have to take a break from them, and count days til I start them again.  180 degree turnaround in opinion once I actually started them! Which may serve as another, more indirect recovery lesson: even if something is scary and unknown, it's often worth trying and you may be surprised at how positive the result turns out to be.

Anyway, I think the 3 main things about hormonal limbo that freak me out have some broader lessons/implications for recovery, so I thought they were worth discussing and REALLY hope that presenting them through the BC example isn't TMI. Sorry for all the lead-up, this part was the actual point of the post.

1) Water Weight:
On placebo week my weight always shoots up about 3 pounds overnight and stays that way for 3-4 days.  I suppose I am retaining water. I'm not sure how this pattern compares to a natural period (never had one), but it sucks.  Then again, flux in weight is natural, and this is where one has to cope by reverting to logic, a strong yet sometimes elusive tool in recovery.  We know intellectually that an increase in the scale of 3 pounds (or 2 or 5 or 7 or whatever) cannot possibly be fat, as it's almost sure that you didn't consume the calories to produce that result that while you were sleeping.  Thus, it must be something else, and does not mean you're flabbier or a failure or any of those things. The reason can be hormones, medication, salt intake; any number of factors. Our bodies are dynamic, and they're not going to be the same from day to day.  Yes, bloat sucks, but it's temporary.  Probably helpful to have in mind some outfits that you feel ok in on days when you're at the higher end of your weight range, so you don't have to go through the torture of trying on a bunch of things to don't fit "right."  I guess the basic message here is to give yourself a break, be kind to your body and don't flip out over things that are out of your control.

2) Lack of appetite:
My appetite digs itself a burrow and dies during that week of the month (okay, I actually cheat and only do the placebo once every 2 or 3 months because I hate it so much, which my gyno says is fine).  This is where you have to trade a bit of the intuitive signal strategy for conscienciousness about your intake.  I think intuitive eating is GREAT and wish I were better at it, but if you're still sort of struggling with listening to and honoring your body cues, it's important to remember your signals may not always be accurate, especially when you've changed medications, have a hormone shift, etc. If it's the middle of the afternoon and you find yourself still not hungry for lunch, you need to suck it up and nourish yourself anyway.  You'll thank yourself later, because taking advantage of that appetite drop to deprive yourself not only weakens your body, but it weakens your defense against future temptations to skip and cut and let the ED edge farther back into your habits.

3) Pain:
Cramps! Damn.  I don't have an answer for this one.  I have no idea why it was evolutionarily necessary for women to feel like their guts were being rung out like wet towels.  I usually can't even sleep through the night for a couple of days.  Surely all the mechanics in there could happen without pain receptors being involved.  But they didn't ask Cammy how to build everything, obviously, so it is what it is.  You can try to spin this positively, I suppose, by using it as a practice for taking care of yourself and giving yourself a break when you're not feeling good.  Cuddle on the couch with a hot drink and a good book or tv show, take it easy, treat yourself like you would a best friend that was hurting.  It's something that's hard for a lot of ED sufferers, but an important thing to practice.

Again, I hope none of that was too TMI, but I try to be fairly 'tell it like it is' and this is an issue I know everyone deals with.   I just happen to have a blog and the inclination to whine about it right now.  Wouldn't have brought it up if it didn't tie into the ED, but it also makes it incredibly hard for me to stay on track with eating when I feel both fat and distinctly un-hungry for most of the week.

BUT it always passes. Another good concept to keep in mind.  So often we have things weighing on our minds (and at times, in our minds, weighing on our bodies) that drive us to distraction, stress us out, and generally make for a lot of time and energy and wellness wasted on worry and anxiety.  But in general, things get worked out one way or another, and what is top on your stress list today may be entirely resolved and forgotten by this time next week, month, year, etc.  That's not always the case, of course, but just try to keep in mind that nothing is the end of everything, and it's worth hanging in there.

By the way, I typed this while watching the Women's World Cup game.  Even though Match lives and breathes soccer, it has taken this cup series to get me really interested in watching the games on TV. I have a girlcrush on Hope Solo and Abby Wambach is superhuman (see goal 2:39 into that video).  Damn, girls! Anyone else watch?