Fortunately, most of my anxiety is about the travel itself, and I'm actually looking forward to the trip itself. Once I'm buckled in on the airplane and on my way, I relax by a factor of about 100. It's the gettingthereontime whatdidiforget willimakemyconnection wherethefuckisthestarbucksonthisconcourse chaos that really puts my mind in tremor mode.
As you've probably observed, I don't have the best track record with staying on top of my eating on these trips. This one will be both similar and different in its challenges, I think. Our accommodations will be a lot better, in terms of lodging and food (amazing how you get banished to the slave quarters on one trip, but put up in the hotel rooms when you bring a professor with clout that the owners of the place want to impress). I kid you not, some nights on a trip or two me and me two field assistants were left about 2 servings white rice for dinner to split between the three of us. Those conditions don't help much when you're in a situation where it's so easy/tempting to restrict. Anyway, hopefully there will be more edible/safe foods served this time. I've also got a small suitcase full of bars, tuna, dried fruit, oatmeal, etc.
Another thing is that the group will be much different. Before, it was usually me and 2 or 3 assistants just doing my work. This time, my work is done and I'm helping a labmate get started on his project, in addition to co-teaching an undergrad field course. So there is the double pressure of needing to look normal in front of both my superiors (the other professors) and subordinates (the undergrads). There is only one female student in the group (not uncommon in my field), and one of the 2 profs is female.
I actually do better around men in a lot of ways, for some reason they just seem easier to manage (sorry guys! if you're out there). Eating is obviously easier, because I don't feel like I'm being scrutinized for whatever goes onto my plate or into my mouth. Not that all girls scrutinize that, but it just feels more like they'll notice it and draw direct comparisons to themselves. Also, I think I find guys easier to read, and so I'm more comfortable around them when I'm still getting to know them. I don't want to use the word "simpler" because of the negative connotations, but I guess that's the first one that comes to mind. Not that I don't play nice with other girls, of course. Now I'm WAY off on a tangent, sorry. One thing that M. had to get used to in our relationship is that some of my best friends from college are guys, but he did learn that they're really like brothers to me, except I actually like them (I kid! I love my brothers). If I were to REALLY psychologize myself, maybe the fact that I grew up with 2 brothers has something to do with that trend in my life; I was comfortable being the only girl in the group without either sacrificing or exaggerating femininity. I actually do have a half sister somewhere, just never met her. My brothers are halfs technically too, but I never, ever think of them that way, and you'd never know by looking at us.
I have no idea how I got off talking about my tangled family tree instead of my upcoming trip, deepest apologies.
Anyway, another motivator on this trip is that there is the potential to get in some super badass multi-day backpacking trips, in terrain that's different than anything I've ever camped in before. I want so badly to do it, and I know that I can't take it on if I'm going to be a liability to the team because I'm not fueling myself properly. Also, I'm in a leadership role, and there's a certain responsibility to function that comes along with that, you know?
Match is beside himself worrying about me going on the camping trips, mostly because it's in an area where it can get cold at night and where bad storms can set in with little warning. He's convinced I'm going to hypothermiate or have a heart attack or fall and break one of my JiffyPop bones and have to be carried down the mountain by the undergrads who might accidentally drop me in a volcano or something.
I tried to tell him that if I do have a heart attack, the hypothermia could help to minimize organ damage and protect my cognitive function, but he didn't think it was funny. Actually, his reaction was something like this:
He was not amused, in other words.
I truly dreaded my last couple of trips down (part monotony, part travel burnout, part some other intangible emotions), and ended up having a good time while I was there despite the eating/exercise fails. This time I'm actually excited about what I'll get to do, so I'm hoping it all pans out. I'll be gone longer than I was the past few trips, but having a real building to stay in with (hopefully) no chiggers in the beds will do a lot to make that more bearable, and the backpacking trips away from our base lodging will break up the routine and make it go faster, I think.
I've also got a bit of a nostalgia thing going on. Despite the issues I bring to every trip, I really, really love that field site, and this is probably the last time I'll ever visit it. It's sort of an end to a chapter in my life, and I want to make it a good one.
I will have limited internet access Tuesday and Wednesday and then none after that til August 3rd. I hope all of you have a great two weeks, love y'all!
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PS I never know how many people go back and read comments on previous posts, so I often feel like I should just address them in the next post if I want to comment on them. Anyway, regarding the melancholy I got from finding my little Pandora's Box a couple of days ago, Sarah was very right (she's a wise one, that Sarah). I was a bit tense and distant with M. all day, then had a complete emotional meltdown during our goodnight phone call. And then I felt a lot better. Thanks for all your comments and support about that, I felt a bit whiny, but sometimes the past can be a bit overwhelming. All the more reason to focus on the present, I suppose.
3 comments:
I didn't think it was whiny. I think the purpose of blogging is to process your emotions and connect with others who might feel the same or share the same experiences. I'm glad you had a good cry and I'm glad you're feeling better. We'll miss you while you're gone (and I hope you find the Starbucks!) "See" you soon!
Past could be so triggering and motivating at the same time and it is sometimes hard to have healthy relationship with your past. But I am with Sarah- don't think it was whiny.
I hope you won't have a reason to get hypothermic during the trip and that your professor's presence will provide you with some more food and that overall it will be An Ending of the not so good food/exercise experiences! *** Ola
LOL at the cat ;) I like it. I make that face sometimes, although I'm not that furry anymore, thank goodness...
I don't think it was whiny either - the past makes me sad sometimes, that's just natural when you've been through difficult things in your life. I hope that your trip goes well, and that Match is proved wrong about the perils of the camping trips!
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