I was surprised and touched at the comments/e-mails I got after my last post, you guys are awesome. That compassion made me feel a bit guilty, however, because in hindsight there is one factor in the current overwhelmingness of my world that I sort of glossed over. Not intentionally, because 98.572% of the time I don't even admit it to myself. But still, I felt like people might not really be as sympathetic if they knew how much of this I bring on myself every day. I hate that sense of failing to communicate about a situation correctly, and in case you haven't noticed by now I am a teensy bit type-A and can't stand things being incomplete, so I felt the need to address the part that I skirted around before. (What is the opposite of "gloss over?" "Ungloss?" "Gloss under?") .
It's actually really simple. It's the exercise. I have so incredibly much to do as far as classes, work, organization stuff, everything else, but that has not caused me to give up even a single minute of my daily workouts. I get home from 14 hours on campus, and the first thing I do is exercise for hours. Then it is late and I still have all of my studying/writing to do, which results in my recent horrendous sleep habits. This past month I have had no less than two tests and two writing assignments due every week, and managing that while also clinging to a full-time eating disorder feels like trying to climb a huge mountain while boulders keep falling down on my head.
Isn't it stressful, you wonder, wasting time working out when I have 589837 things on my to-do list? Well, yes, as a matter of fact it is. I spend the entire time obsessing over what I should be doing, what I could be accomplishing if I could just get off the damn treadmill or switch off the aerobics DVD. This shoots my anxiety through the roof, and being hella worried and full of nervous energy makes it even harder to curb the exercise, so it all just sort of snowballs into a terribly inefficient and pathetic cycle.
Pretty frequently I hear friends, professors, etc., comment on everything I've got going on this semester: "I don't know how you do it," etc etc. They're right. They don't know, they have no idea. If they had any inkling of what my days are like, what my mind is like, who knows what they would think. They probably picture me going home everynight and hitting the books right away, burning the midnight oil. They don't know what it's like to spend my last hour at work dreading coming home to the obligatory workout when I am already completely worn out. I am so tired I can nearly doze off in the middle of an aerobics routine, but I have to do the exercise first before papers that need written, before phone calls to my family, before sleep, before everything. They don't know how intensely I hate myself for the hours that add up to days that add up to weeks and months and years of my life that I am throwing away, literally and figuratively just burning it up.
I hate it before I do it, I hate it while I'm doing it, I hate it after it's done, and yet I never even consider not doing it, that would be utterly unfathomable.
I'm a biologist, I am well aware of the physiological consequences of excessive exercise. I am completely conscious of the fact that I'm eroding my joints, straining my vertebrae, destroying my feet, keeping myself amenorrhic and thus helping my bones to evaporate. Do I know those things? Yes. Does it stop me? No. Behold: the power of cognitive dissonance.
I don't know where this post is supposed to go. I guess I just felt bad because I got sympathy/commiseration about having an intense schedule, but deep down I know that things could be much easier if I just chose to put my foot down and cut the bullshit. I'd still have crazy hectic days, I'd still have an overwhelming amount of looming deadlines, I'd still be stressed about grad school, etc etc, but there wouldn't be that omnipresent specter of compulsion pushing everything else out of my life. I wouldn't have to wake up at 5 AM to make it to my 8 AM class on time becuase of a pathological need to burn off breakfast before I consume it, and I wouldn't have to work out intricate ways of getting in all my workout time on days when I am on campus for especially long times and don't get home until late. I could actually think about something behind numbers. What fills the minds of normal people, if they're not scheming about calories in/out? I don't know, but I'd bet it's something much more important.
To end on a slightly ironic note: This is possibly the best workout song ever, the beat is guaranteed to boost your system no matter how tired you are. (Really, click the link and listen to it, how can you not get out of your chair and bust some moves? ;P). Another reason I think I listen to it a lot is because the lyrics carry a lot of significance to me when I'm sweating it out at 2 AM, thinking about how screwed up this whole situation is (in case you don't like redundancy, verses are bolded the first time they're used and are unbold on repeats):
Disturbia by Rihanna:
What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now
No more gas in the rig
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
I'm a light on my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah
It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort
Put on your green lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia
Faded pictures on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnectin' phone calls
The phone don't even ring
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort
It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
I feel like a monster
Put on your green lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia
Release me from this curse
I'm trying to remain tame
But I'm struggling
You can't go, go, go
I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh
Put on your green lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind is in disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
6 comments:
I know this has been an issue for you for a long time and only feel more concerned at how much your body is going through. What has H. said about this other than just to try to cut down?
As far as you bringing this on yourself, I don't think that at all. At this point, it becomes about brain chemistry. When you're exercising this amount, not eating enough, it changes your brain. Your exercise has become more than a stress reliever but rather an anxiety reliever. It's almost what keeps you "normal" in a sense if you understand what I mean. But I know you know this.
I think some other things to think about is what exercise means to you, besides the compulsion aspect. What is the pay off? Is there a feeling of accomplishment, of pushing your body beyond boundaries, testing the limit? If so, then, what would it be like with no exercise? How would you cope?
H. is aware about the exercise issue, it's the first thing she always asks about and my constant "homework" challenge is to decrease workout time, but I just haven't let myself do it. Again, I'm the one at fault because I'm pretty good at steering conversation to other things (things that do need to be addressed, though) in sessions. I am going to have to figure something out when I go home for the holidays, though, and H. and I are already trying to make a plan to cope when that comes, maybe to use it as a launching point for better habits.
I have a heavier load this semester, but also it's much more skewed towards administrative stuff (teaching and my organization's business stuff) and writing papers. In the past, when the load was predominately studying, I could just choose workout strategies that let me read while I was exercising, but that kind of multi-tasking isn't quite possible right now with the things that I need to be doing.
Cammy,
I'm going to be really honest here. I don't mean to offend, but here goes:
You need more intense treatment. Period. You shouldn't be expected to be doing this on your own. You're very sick, and you've been that way for a really long time. Things aren't getting any better, and you need and deserve more intense treatment.
You will crash. Your body will one day decide to stop taking the abuse and it will give out and when it happened to me, I was almost relieved. But you don't have to wait until then.
Let someone else take control until you're in a better spot.
This isn't life. You're not going to be missing out on much if you take a break. And grad schools don't give a shit about time off. They don't.
Get more support. The AN is deluding you if you think you can keep this up for much longer. You are crying out for help. Now just let someone listen.
I feel like..reading my diary..
Compulsive overexercising is my AN "treatment". My only motivation for eating. I know, it´s just waste of time and energy, but I can´t help myself and just stop it. And even the paradox is same: I am medstudent, so I am so so so aware of all physical and mental risks and impacts of my "fitness" freaking. Anyhow I am not able to learn from my mistakes - all that stress fractures and frostbites as a result of my running..isolation and continuous fear.
i hope we will be able to transform this experience and "willpower" into some other kind of power, productiveness, happiness, work...
It was brave of you to be so honest and share that honesty with your readers. Please, please keep being brave and confront this. Your voice is an important one in this quasi-community we've developed, and I don't want to lose it. Carrie is absolutely right that you deserve it.
I feel you, I feel you, I feel you.
Post a Comment