Monday, September 8, 2008

The Next Baby Step

'What About Bob' was one of my favorite movies when I was growing up.  It's about a guy with OCD that manages to completely frustrate his psychologist, he becomes semi-stalkerish but in an innocent, needy way that you can't help but love.  It also brings out a lot of the psychologist's (Dr. Leo Marvin) neuroses, too.  It's a funny movie, I swear, I'm just not very good at 'splaining plots.

Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed with things--especially tackling ED challenges--I have to make myself stop and picture Bill Murray doing his "baby steps, baby steps" chant.  One thing at a time, little increments that add up to bigger accomplishments in the long run. 

I think I am going to bump my meal plan up a little bit tomorrow.  I am going to try to psyche myself up to do it, at least.  I know I should, my food intake now is very bottom heavy, meaning much more later in the day than earlier.  Adding more food to breakfast and in between breakfast and lunch is supposed to be something I'm working on.  It will mean more calories at breakfast than I have let myself have since my very first stab at recovery/refeeding almost 8.5 years ago (unless you count the beastly breakfasts I ate while in the field this summer, but that wasn't "real life" and rules were different).   I think I had underestimated how taxing this semester was going to be, I knew it would be stressful mentally but it's really taking a lot out of me physically as well.  I have four labs a week, and they almost aways involve 2-3 hours outdoor activity, which is a significant energy drain when my calorie intake is pretty well calibrated to just get me through my daily workouts and dog walking.

Technically I know the amount I plan to add isn't extremely significant, but it seems like a pretty big deal to me and I'm nervous.  In my pictures from this past weekend, I think my face is filling out too much and I really, really, really hate that.  I just keep trying to tell myself to do it for my bones, my teeth, my heart, my hair, etc, not to mention my mind.  Or what's left of it, anyway. 

Ok enough neurotic rambling.  Tomorrow morning, one more notch in the smackdown on the ED, hooah.
If you play the clip make sure to watch to the end, that's the funniest part, and it's really how I feel about this whole mess most days.  Step, step, step, AAAAH!

(By the way, when I Googled the movie to find the clip for this post I discovered a Baby Steps t-shirt inspired by the move,  now I have something to add to this year's Santa List... =p)

5 comments:

Wrapped up in Life said...

It's a step in the right direction - preparing yourself mentally is 99% of the battle.

I hope you can do it tomorrow.

Tiptoe said...

What about Bob always made me laugh. Though completely exaggerated, it made the point well how hard it is to live with a mental illness and try to change.

What about Bob also reminds me a lot of Monk. I think there is a similar episode where Monk is talking about baby steps.

I know bumping up your meal plan is hard, but I'm really happy to see you take that iniative. I've been trying to do something similar with breakfast as well and remind myself that it's a really good thing to start out with a lot of fuel.

CG said...

hang in there, Cammy : ) You can do it.

licketysplit said...

love this movie! and the idea of baby steps... often part of the whole 'ed/perfectionist' mindset can be problematic even through the recovery process when you think it has to be done perfectly or all at once, anything short of that is seen as failure. In reality, any movement in the right direction is a huge success and a major lesson i had to learn throughout recovery is to be gentle with myself...throughout the ups and downs :)

licketysplit said...

p.s. good luck with your goal!