Maybe it is because I am in a stage of major goal-setting and career maneuvering, and my list of things to accomplish includes many items that are much more significant than stumbling through each day in a state of deprivation. Maybe it is because I'm involved in a lot of things right now (awesome classes, teaching, research, organizations, etc), things that I am truly passionate about. I am constantly reminded of the wonders of the world beyond myself, and the great feeling of sharing knowledge/experiences with others.
I don't really know how to put this into words very well, I didn't mean for this to be such a ramble. It's the first since, well, I don't even know, that I am actually savoring times when I feel strong and energized, when awareness of my body and the physical space it takes up doesn't disgust me and make me want to whittle it back down to the absolute bare minimum. This probably sounds nonsensical, but it's almost like I am just starting to come to terms with the fact that I actually do indeed have a body, and that it is something that I can use rather than abuse. At our first or second session, back in December, H. told me that one thing I had to overcome was "living in my head," disembodied from physical needs, and I think maybe I am making progress in that regard. It's funny, because the state of living "in your head" usually results from having a lot of things twisted in your mind.
So, maybe this is moving in the right direction? I'm not sure. It's not something I am really able to define, not a decision I wake up and make every morning. It feels very novel and intangible right now. But I am noticing a gradual change in how I am seeing/feeling myself. I had a taste of this (no pun intended) when I was desperately trying to build up some strength before my trip over the summer, but at the time my goals and motivations were pretty short-term, I just wanted to be able to handle my summer work. Now I think I am approaching that stage where I'm ready to take up space, ready to have a body that can do, rather than one that I do things to. Obviously, I'm not ready to go completely turn a 180 and overhaul my life, boom tomorrow I'm recovered. But I am really starting to want life more than the ED, and to realize that although letting go is scary, it can't be nearly as scary as continuing to live the way I have for almost ten years now. I'm on the cusp of a new chapter in my life, and I don't want to let this disorder bleed into it.
It's kind of like coming out of a dark building into the sun. At first it hurts, you squint and try to make the light go away, it is truly painful. But gradually, eventually, you adjust and are finally able to see what is going on around you. And the light is so much better than the dark.
4 comments:
This is a very inspiring ost, and I'm glad to hear you are where you are right now. I knd of feel like I'm turning a corner as well, and it's exciting (and terrifying, don't get me wrong!)
Keep it goin', you are giving alot of people hope.
Cammy, loved this post! Going toward the light can be a painful but wonderful thing. It is going into the unknown but at the same time, knowing that there is just something far more out there.
Life changes can really make you think about your life and how you want to live it, so I can see how the thought processes would coincide with recovery.
And lastly, bodies are important. Coming to terms with the idea that yes, your body exists and is there for a purpose is a truly good thing.
These are good insights, and it's okay not knowing what everything means. In time, things will fall into place.
Cammy, I've been reading your blog for a little while now, and this post, like a few others, made me gasp with recognition and appreciation. I, too, am really beginning to recover, only I'm 43, and have been fighting ED since age 16. Your courage and honesty awe and inspire me-- as does your ambition to do so much in your life. For me, too, it has been the recognition of all that is out there, and all that I want to see and do, that has helped me "get it".
A little bit about me: like you, I'm an academic. I earned a PhD and worked as a researcher for a bunch of years, before taking time off to start a family. Now I work part time, in education. Like you, I thrive on manic energy (sometimes caffeine induced). I have used my ED as a distraction from rest of me, the emotional stuff roiling inside, the part of me that wasn't overly busy with work, or managing the myriad activities of my family. Learning to slow down and honor what's going inside (without feeling horribly ashamed by it) are my challenges.
Please keep sharing your stories-- they are a gift to those of us in recovery (at whatever point), who greatly appreciate knowing we are not alone in this!
What a wonderful realization to see that your body is something that you can use, and you can appreciate it for what it can do for you. Good for you for wanting life more than ED. That is a huge step in recovery.
Sending hugs<333
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