I'm exhausted and have to wake up to get ready for the airport in less than six hours, so this will be a brief farewell (for now) post. Shipping off in the morning, sort of mixed feelings.
I think I'm a bit burnt out on travel. I've had such a feeling of dread about this trip. Maybe after doing so poorly with self-care on my last few trips to this place, I am starting to get an inherent sense of aversion to going there, because it's become associated with feeling trapped in making myself feel like shit when I should actually be having the time of my life. So there's that. I have a lot of resentment for myself that I get to go to this awesome place and do such cool stuff, and the only things that really make me miserable there are almost entirely of my own doing.
The two assistants going with me this time are younger girls, maybe 3ish years my juniors. That brings up some additional ruminations. 1) I feel more responsible for them than I might have for some of my other field assistants. As usual, there is no professor on this trip and I am the Big Boss. It can bring some degree of pressure to be the one everyone always needs info/instructions from, and I feel sort of protective of this set since they are so young and it's their first time in the tropics. 2) I am also very aware that they will probably be very aware of my eating patterns. There is pretty much zero privacy in the field, so it's hard to hide anything while you're there. That stress could turn out to be positive, as it might make me more likely to eat more normally, to avoid making them uncomfortable or suspicious that I be nutso.
On the plus side, so far zero side effects from the Prednisone, don't even think I'm retaining water. I'd braced myself for the appetite boost, but if anything I've been less hungry than earlier in the week, on the same number of calories. Maybe a tad bit more thirsty than usual, but that's it. Again, major thanks to everyone who chimed in and made me feel better so that I changed my mind about shunning the Rx.
So I guess this is good-bye for now, but I shall return in about a week and a half, don't forget me while I'm gone! Love y'all.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Weight Calcs and Other Updates
Wow, y'all are fantastic. Thanks so much to the feedback on my last post. I was about 99% sure I wasn't going to even get the prescription filled, but now I'm about 85% sure that I will take the Pred . . . with a lot less anxiety now. All of the feedback was very appreciated.
I thought I should explain a bit more about my anxiety over the weight gain, too. If it's just water weight and will go away, I can handle that. I'm slightly worried about discomfort while traveling, but I imagine I'll survive. It's not like the parrots and monkeys care if I'm a little bloated, right? And, as one person pointed out, having my appetite boosted a bit may not be a bad thing as I'm heading into an environment in which I slip into restrictive mode way too easily.
A few people brought up the fact that the general equation for weight gain is 3500 calories/pound. I know that, but I think my worry is that in my experience the rule doesn't really hold, for me at least. There have been some points in my weight restoration at which I was gaining weight exactly at the predicted rate, using that statistic. But bodies don't work in a uniform fashion. Interestingly, one study I found suggests it takes more calories for an "anorectic restrictor" to gain a pound than an "anorectic bulimic", during recovery...but what is the definition of an anorectic bulimic? Someone with exercise bulimia/anorexia athletica? If not, then how do those cases fit in? More research please! I didn't link to the study because of all the discussion of daily intake rates, wasn't sure if it would trigger some readers). Not to make this triggering or anxiety inducing for anyone, because just for the record, in my personal experience, for what that's worth, I have *never* gained weight faster (ie on less than the standard 3500 calorie rule) than I "should" have.
There have been plenty of times I gained it much more slowly, though. As evidenced by my recent post about constant hunger, my body seems to like to go into hypermetabolic mode when it is bouncing back. A few months ago I returned from a trip after not doing so well, foodwise, while away, and getting back on my meal plan essentially doubled my daily caloric intake. And....I lost weight the first week!
And as a rule during my weight restoration, I'll gain for a while, hit a plateau, and not budge above that (usually happens about every 5 pounds) until I make an additional significant change in intake or exercise. So much for the "X grapes adds up to Y pounds over the course of a year" theory: weight gain isn't infinite, bodies like balance! I know I've discussed this before, so I guess I'll stop rambling about it.
There have also been times when I haven't lost as much as might have been predicted by the book, which I would hypothesize was caused by some form of metabolic compensation.
So all of that should be comforting, but it has also made me distrust the rules about gain/loss being purely calorie in or calorie out. And I hate taking any medication, whether I suspect it will change my weight or not, just because I hate feeling like something is altering the way my body works in a way I can't control. Scary!
In other news, my Bottomless Pit Syndrome has abated somewhat over the past couple of days. I hate that stage where I am famished less than an hour after finishing a high-volume and calorically compliant meal. It is such a weird sensation to be physically uncomfortable because I am so full, and to really not have an appetite, but to still have hunger pains. Just haywire.
I am less than 48 hours from leaving for my trip! Hasn't sunk in yet. At this point it's pretty routine for me, though, the only thing that changes each time are my traveling companions.
Speaking of companions, this separation from Match (for those of you who don't know, he had to move 600 miles away last fall for grad school and I only see him one weekend a month) has been the hardest yet, on both of us. I am so glad that my boyfriend is also the best friend I've ever had, but it makes it doubly hard when I have to be away from him. I am fiercely independent and progressive and capable and all that, don't get me wrong. I know I don't need the boy, but I want him, damnit. I sad.
I hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start, love y'all.
I thought I should explain a bit more about my anxiety over the weight gain, too. If it's just water weight and will go away, I can handle that. I'm slightly worried about discomfort while traveling, but I imagine I'll survive. It's not like the parrots and monkeys care if I'm a little bloated, right? And, as one person pointed out, having my appetite boosted a bit may not be a bad thing as I'm heading into an environment in which I slip into restrictive mode way too easily.
A few people brought up the fact that the general equation for weight gain is 3500 calories/pound. I know that, but I think my worry is that in my experience the rule doesn't really hold, for me at least. There have been some points in my weight restoration at which I was gaining weight exactly at the predicted rate, using that statistic. But bodies don't work in a uniform fashion. Interestingly, one study I found suggests it takes more calories for an "anorectic restrictor" to gain a pound than an "anorectic bulimic", during recovery...but what is the definition of an anorectic bulimic? Someone with exercise bulimia/anorexia athletica? If not, then how do those cases fit in? More research please! I didn't link to the study because of all the discussion of daily intake rates, wasn't sure if it would trigger some readers). Not to make this triggering or anxiety inducing for anyone, because just for the record, in my personal experience, for what that's worth, I have *never* gained weight faster (ie on less than the standard 3500 calorie rule) than I "should" have.
There have been plenty of times I gained it much more slowly, though. As evidenced by my recent post about constant hunger, my body seems to like to go into hypermetabolic mode when it is bouncing back. A few months ago I returned from a trip after not doing so well, foodwise, while away, and getting back on my meal plan essentially doubled my daily caloric intake. And....I lost weight the first week!
And as a rule during my weight restoration, I'll gain for a while, hit a plateau, and not budge above that (usually happens about every 5 pounds) until I make an additional significant change in intake or exercise. So much for the "X grapes adds up to Y pounds over the course of a year" theory: weight gain isn't infinite, bodies like balance! I know I've discussed this before, so I guess I'll stop rambling about it.
There have also been times when I haven't lost as much as might have been predicted by the book, which I would hypothesize was caused by some form of metabolic compensation.
So all of that should be comforting, but it has also made me distrust the rules about gain/loss being purely calorie in or calorie out. And I hate taking any medication, whether I suspect it will change my weight or not, just because I hate feeling like something is altering the way my body works in a way I can't control. Scary!
In other news, my Bottomless Pit Syndrome has abated somewhat over the past couple of days. I hate that stage where I am famished less than an hour after finishing a high-volume and calorically compliant meal. It is such a weird sensation to be physically uncomfortable because I am so full, and to really not have an appetite, but to still have hunger pains. Just haywire.
I am less than 48 hours from leaving for my trip! Hasn't sunk in yet. At this point it's pretty routine for me, though, the only thing that changes each time are my traveling companions.
Speaking of companions, this separation from Match (for those of you who don't know, he had to move 600 miles away last fall for grad school and I only see him one weekend a month) has been the hardest yet, on both of us. I am so glad that my boyfriend is also the best friend I've ever had, but it makes it doubly hard when I have to be away from him. I am fiercely independent and progressive and capable and all that, don't get me wrong. I know I don't need the boy, but I want him, damnit. I sad.
I hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start, love y'all.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Prescription Panic
Ok, so I had a follow-up at the dermatologist about that skin infection today and am a little bit panicked about my newest prescription. My infection is gone but leftover inflammation is still irritating the nerve, so he wants me on Prednisone, which is an anti-inflammatory steroid. The side effects of this are, among a list of other things, weight gain. I have seen this for myself, we used to prescribe it to dogs all the time when I worked at a vet's office in high school.
I expressed concern to the doctor about the side effects, and he seemed to be that it was no big deal for a 5 day course. But he also mentioned he has me on a double dose daily. So I am basically terrified and pretty sure I don't want to screw with this, partly because of the effects of the drug and partly because I know it will make my ED anxiety increase to the n-th power right as I am starting my field work next week. If the weight gain is just from increased appetite, I can handle that. The past decade+ of my life would be way different if I weren't so adept at managing appetites. But if there is more of a physiological mechanism going on . . . that absolutely freaks me out, I hate the thought of putting something into my body that changes the way it works. Control issues, anyone???
Other side effects are excessive thirst and problems sleeping, plus a risk of hives and fever, things I really don't want to have to deal with while I'm getting settled into my jungle work. Starting a new drugs two days before disappearing into the tropical forest is probably not advisable even for Normal people, right?
So the point of this panicbabble is to ask: has anyone been on a short course of Pred like that, and if so did you notice any effects accumulate in the space of less than a week?
I expressed concern to the doctor about the side effects, and he seemed to be that it was no big deal for a 5 day course. But he also mentioned he has me on a double dose daily. So I am basically terrified and pretty sure I don't want to screw with this, partly because of the effects of the drug and partly because I know it will make my ED anxiety increase to the n-th power right as I am starting my field work next week. If the weight gain is just from increased appetite, I can handle that. The past decade+ of my life would be way different if I weren't so adept at managing appetites. But if there is more of a physiological mechanism going on . . . that absolutely freaks me out, I hate the thought of putting something into my body that changes the way it works. Control issues, anyone???
Other side effects are excessive thirst and problems sleeping, plus a risk of hives and fever, things I really don't want to have to deal with while I'm getting settled into my jungle work. Starting a new drugs two days before disappearing into the tropical forest is probably not advisable even for Normal people, right?
So the point of this panicbabble is to ask: has anyone been on a short course of Pred like that, and if so did you notice any effects accumulate in the space of less than a week?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Body Getting on My Nerves
So I have had the hunger pains from hell today. Ten times worse than when I was consuming way less food per day over the weekend. And yes, I have been assiduous about the meal plan since I got home from my trip. Why are bodies so damn much work?
=(
=(
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Back for a Pit Stop
I'm back! Got in from my Match weekend yesterday, trying to hit the ground running with catching up and preparing for my next research trip. Fleeing to the tropics next Monday, I feel like my time at home is more of a pit stop than anything else.
The trip went well, except for some crazy flight hassles on the way there. Winter is mean. I did end up getting there on time, though. We did more of just hanging out at home than on previous visits, when we've hit museums, parks, etc, every day, mostly because it's too damn cold to do much outside, and we're broke as broke can get. We did have some fun outings though. Went to an aquarium, saw a play, were out with some of his friends on Saturday night, went to a pretty nice restaurant on Friday night and a VERY nice one on Sunday as our Valentine's Day date. So I say we spent more time at home, but it's not like we didn't go anywhere all weekend.
I did talk to him a bit about how depressed I've been lately. I always am this time of year, but, as he pointed out, this is the first time in 5 years that I haven't been in therapy in the winter/spring, which probably isn't helping anything. He was understanding and supportive, and later I caught him online looking at light boxes for me. So anyway, I addressed that more directly with him than ever before, and of course both of us know he can't fix it, but it still feels better to have shared.
Eating-wise, I did maybe about my usual up there. It's just so hard when it's too cold to do anything that involves a lot of walking, biking, etc. I did, however, rock the challenge at our V's day dinner. Ordered what I thought looked best (NOT a salad), had a full glass of wine (strongest wine I've ever had, by the way, it got me way more buzzed than the two cocktails and a shot I had when we went out with some of M's friends Saturday night), and, drumroll......DESSERT. I wish I could tell you how long it's been since I ordered dessert in a restaurant, but I honestly have no freaking clue. Sixth grade or before, to be sure. And I ate the whole thing, except for a bite that I gave to Match in exchange for a bite of his. It was a fairly light item, as desserts go, but it was completely unplanned and out of character for me.
It felt so good to feel so normal, albeit briefly.
I have to admit that one questionable move I made was that a few days I definitely used alcohol to chill myself out a bit. I am pretty blue and tense this time of year, and I didn't want to be a downer while hanging out with Match. Being buzzed from that curiously strong wine probably was a big factor in me letting my guard down enough for the dessert. On Saturday alcohol ended up making up a pretty substantial portion of the day's calories. I'm not necessarily worried about that becoming a daily trend, I only ever drink when I'm out with people (not all that often), and have honestly never been drunk in my life. I was aware, though, that I was using it as a tool to cope with anxiety.
Anyway, that's the main recap. Happy belated Valentine's Day to everyone! Whether you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/other miscellaneous significant other or not, I hope that you felt loved in some way yesterday, you deserve it. I hope everyone's week is off to a great start.
The trip went well, except for some crazy flight hassles on the way there. Winter is mean. I did end up getting there on time, though. We did more of just hanging out at home than on previous visits, when we've hit museums, parks, etc, every day, mostly because it's too damn cold to do much outside, and we're broke as broke can get. We did have some fun outings though. Went to an aquarium, saw a play, were out with some of his friends on Saturday night, went to a pretty nice restaurant on Friday night and a VERY nice one on Sunday as our Valentine's Day date. So I say we spent more time at home, but it's not like we didn't go anywhere all weekend.
I did talk to him a bit about how depressed I've been lately. I always am this time of year, but, as he pointed out, this is the first time in 5 years that I haven't been in therapy in the winter/spring, which probably isn't helping anything. He was understanding and supportive, and later I caught him online looking at light boxes for me. So anyway, I addressed that more directly with him than ever before, and of course both of us know he can't fix it, but it still feels better to have shared.
Eating-wise, I did maybe about my usual up there. It's just so hard when it's too cold to do anything that involves a lot of walking, biking, etc. I did, however, rock the challenge at our V's day dinner. Ordered what I thought looked best (NOT a salad), had a full glass of wine (strongest wine I've ever had, by the way, it got me way more buzzed than the two cocktails and a shot I had when we went out with some of M's friends Saturday night), and, drumroll......DESSERT. I wish I could tell you how long it's been since I ordered dessert in a restaurant, but I honestly have no freaking clue. Sixth grade or before, to be sure. And I ate the whole thing, except for a bite that I gave to Match in exchange for a bite of his. It was a fairly light item, as desserts go, but it was completely unplanned and out of character for me.
It felt so good to feel so normal, albeit briefly.
I have to admit that one questionable move I made was that a few days I definitely used alcohol to chill myself out a bit. I am pretty blue and tense this time of year, and I didn't want to be a downer while hanging out with Match. Being buzzed from that curiously strong wine probably was a big factor in me letting my guard down enough for the dessert. On Saturday alcohol ended up making up a pretty substantial portion of the day's calories. I'm not necessarily worried about that becoming a daily trend, I only ever drink when I'm out with people (not all that often), and have honestly never been drunk in my life. I was aware, though, that I was using it as a tool to cope with anxiety.
Anyway, that's the main recap. Happy belated Valentine's Day to everyone! Whether you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/other miscellaneous significant other or not, I hope that you felt loved in some way yesterday, you deserve it. I hope everyone's week is off to a great start.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tomorrow is Getting Close!
So, today is automatically a good day...because it means tomorrow is tomorrow, and tomorrow I see Match! Flying up for my monthly long weekend with my homeboy, and I can't wait. And yes I realize the title of this post makes no sense. It will be the last time I see him before I'm out of the country for another research trip later this month. And in case you haven't noticed, I'm rather fond of him. :)
Thanks so much for the great comments and support last night, I did indeed survive and have felt a lot less anxious this morning. I indeed did not gain ten pounds overnight, or any pounds for that matter, despite feeling like a beached whale when I went to bed. Sometimes it's good to have a reminder that our perceptions can really play with our minds sometimes, and you can't always trust them.
Has been kind of a quiet few days. I have done as much as I can to my data, and so have a bit of a break until I bring the next batch back from my upcoming trip. So what have I been doing?
-I've started to tool around on the piano again. I was pretty good in high school, but have had almost zero time for it since I started college. I'm ultra-rusty, of course, but it's still incredibly calming for me, even when I'm going back to a lot more basic songs than I used to be able to play. Seems to be coming back to me fairly quickly, though.
-Remember a while back when I mentioned I was working on a new fiction project? I've been getting up early to write at about1000 words a day on it for almost two weeks, so it's building up pretty steadily. Have hit a few blocked days where I didn't get as much done, but am really trying to stick with it and not drop this one as soon as I start to get frustrated or doubt myself.
-I'm halfway through the third season of Mad Men. HOOKED. Actually the third season isn't quite as good as the first two, but it's enough to keep me coming back for more, and I am VERY picky about tv shows.
-I've been on a kick of reading memoirs/biographies. Really, really amazing to read about the things some people go through, not just surviving but thriving in the aftermath.
Like I said, kind of in a lull period for my work, obviously. Oh well, I'm about to be immersed in it hardcore again, so a bit of a break isn't the end of the world.
This will probably be my last post before my Match trip. I am going to try very hard to do well while I'm at his place, as far as food goes. I appreciate all y'all, hope everyone has a fantabulous week/weekend!
Thanks so much for the great comments and support last night, I did indeed survive and have felt a lot less anxious this morning. I indeed did not gain ten pounds overnight, or any pounds for that matter, despite feeling like a beached whale when I went to bed. Sometimes it's good to have a reminder that our perceptions can really play with our minds sometimes, and you can't always trust them.
Has been kind of a quiet few days. I have done as much as I can to my data, and so have a bit of a break until I bring the next batch back from my upcoming trip. So what have I been doing?
-I've started to tool around on the piano again. I was pretty good in high school, but have had almost zero time for it since I started college. I'm ultra-rusty, of course, but it's still incredibly calming for me, even when I'm going back to a lot more basic songs than I used to be able to play. Seems to be coming back to me fairly quickly, though.
-Remember a while back when I mentioned I was working on a new fiction project? I've been getting up early to write at about1000 words a day on it for almost two weeks, so it's building up pretty steadily. Have hit a few blocked days where I didn't get as much done, but am really trying to stick with it and not drop this one as soon as I start to get frustrated or doubt myself.
-I'm halfway through the third season of Mad Men. HOOKED. Actually the third season isn't quite as good as the first two, but it's enough to keep me coming back for more, and I am VERY picky about tv shows.
-I've been on a kick of reading memoirs/biographies. Really, really amazing to read about the things some people go through, not just surviving but thriving in the aftermath.
Like I said, kind of in a lull period for my work, obviously. Oh well, I'm about to be immersed in it hardcore again, so a bit of a break isn't the end of the world.
This will probably be my last post before my Match trip. I am going to try very hard to do well while I'm at his place, as far as food goes. I appreciate all y'all, hope everyone has a fantabulous week/weekend!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Challenges are....Challenging
Believe it or not, I actually challenged myself both food and exercise-wise today. Maybe doing both in the same day was a mistake, I have a bad, bad case of the Bad Body ooglies tonight. Why does my mind make everything so damn difficult?
I am not going to gain ten pounds overnight, and even if I did put on weight after altering a couple of things--which feel major to me in the moment but admittedly minor in the grand energy balance of my week--that's what I'm *supposed* to be doing. Or at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself all afternoon/evening. Get a grip Cammy, and do it fast because feeling like this really sucks.
I am not going to gain ten pounds overnight, and even if I did put on weight after altering a couple of things--which feel major to me in the moment but admittedly minor in the grand energy balance of my week--that's what I'm *supposed* to be doing. Or at least that's what I've been trying to tell myself all afternoon/evening. Get a grip Cammy, and do it fast because feeling like this really sucks.
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