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I think the honeymoon is over.  I feel so drained and generally crappy and frustrated with myself.  I got home from my parent's house today, and it appears that over the last 9 days I have lost pretty much all the weight I gained in the last 4 months (not a huge number in terms of poundage, I have been inching along weight-wise, but still a significant amount for me.  H isn't going to be happy).  

Have I mentioned that holidays really aren't my thing?

I love my family dearly, but I am so glad to be home.  I was really uncomfortable with the eating situation at their house, and there are a lot of things to discuss from the past week . . . actually extremely relevant to other recent posts on the ED feed this week.  That will come soon, but right now I am recovering from the mega-long drive and just need to go surrender to sleep for a while.  I'm going to aim to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I don't want to waste my break feeling like a corpse.  And for some reason it is just easier when I'm on my own, which seems counter-intuitive.  You'd think that being unobserved and independent would be the perfect opportunity to let the ED go unchecked, but I tend to do a lot better on my own than with the family.  It's NOT for attention (they pretty much ignore it), it's just anxiety from being out of my usual routines when I am visiting them.  If living like this sucks so much, why am I inevitably drawn into it like a moth to a flame?

Scariest thing about relapse

The scariest thing about relapse is not that it makes me feel weak, exhausted, or sick, because it doesn't, at least not at first.  During that initial honeymoon period the ED actually makes me feel strong and powerful in a twisted yet very real way, and that is what absolutely terrifies me.

Post-Christmas Check-In

This past week has definitely been a roller coaster.  Christmas itself went well, and today was great.  I actually look forward to the 26th more than the 25th each year, because that is the day my mom and I have 'Girl Day' and go out to tear into the sales at the mall, see a movie, etc etc.  

On the one hand, my ED has been raging since I've been here.  I've managed to get in at least as much exercise as usual, if not moreso, but caloric intake has been cut in half, on average.  Don't ask me to explain why, because I have no clue.  H. is not going to be happy when I report back to her on how I handled my behaviors this week--or, more accurately, failed to handle them.

On the other hand, I have been able to be a lot more open and candid with my mom about issues than ever before.  The ED issue has never been a secret, but I do think that the past year of therapy has really helped me to be more articulate and comfortable when talking about things I'm struggling with.  I still don't think she really "gets" what it's like for me, but she does do her best to be supportive.  In case anyone is wondering, there was no response to the request in a recent post, so as yet no indication that my family has discovered the blog.  Whew.

On yet another hypothetical hand, for once my issues aren't the biggest stressor in the house.  Both of my brothers are teenagers now, and we are having some insubordination problems with the 15 year old.  He actually is fine when he's with me, but for some reason he gets so volatile around my parents and our 13 year old brother.  He really is a good kid, he is just super-insecure and doesn't really know how to express himself a lot of the time.  I hate that my parents stay so stressed out about him, and I seriously considered leaving early because I am just sick of his attitude.  That being said, I won't deny that it is an interesting and, as selfish as it sounds, even a nice change to not be the one everyone is worrying about all the time.   We had a big family feelings conference this evening (my mom has a psychology degree AND does social work with at-risk teens, so she is all about the Talking It Out stuff), Jesus Christ, trying to get men to talk about how they are feeling is like chewing glass.  More on the brother issue in another post.   And no, the regression eating-wise is not related to some kind of cry for attention from me, because this has been the pattern every year when I go home for the holidays.  The annual holiday slippage has been happening since way before the recent issues in the brother department.

I will be genuinely sad to leave, my mom is my best friend (yes, that's corny, but it's true, I have plenty of friends but she's my favorite) and I only see her once or twice a year, but at the same time I will be really relieved to head back south in a couple of days, so I can resume routine and start piecing myself back together after a hellacious semester and the holiday crunch time.

Holiday Wishes

I'm putting aside my moaning and groaning for a moment to send holiday wishes to everyone out there in the blogosphere.  When I started BBBB roughly six months ago, it mainly was just as an outlet, to try to organize my thoughts on things and reach out to others struggling with similar issues.  I never dreamed that it would serve both as an outlet and a doorway in to meet so many amazing people!  For every one of you out there, whether we have traded e-mails and/or comments or not, if you are reading this then we're members of a community of sorts and I wish you the best for this holiday season.  I am incredibly thankful for the inspiration, insight, and support I have gained from this blogging community, it has meant a lot to me.  Here's for all of us continuing to learn and grow in the upcoming year!

Request

After a few rather interesting conversations with my mother over the past two days, I have some suspicions that she might have discovered this blog and identified me despite the pseudonym (which, if you know me in real life, is a rather thin veil).  So, because we have a very close and honest relationship, Mom, if you are reading this, please confirm (e-mail me, text me, walk across the hall and knock on the door, etc) so that I'll stop questioning, because I am not used to that feeling and I don't like it.  If that doesn't happen, I'll assume that my status of anonymity has not been breached, because I trust that you'll be honest about whether you know or not.  

I know it seems cheesy to issue such a public request, but you can't really ask someone if she reads a blog without informing her that it exists (blowing your cover) or at least making her pretty damn suspicious that something is up.  I couldn't really come up with a less hokey idea, apologies to the general readership.

From the Holiday Homefront

I made the trip successfully.  In a way.  I arrived here without any major catastrophes on the road.

But thus far I am a complete failure in terms of embracing the holiday, relaxing with my family, and in general just behaving like a human being.  Why, why, why is this so difficult?  My self-loathing is reaching new heights. 

 I am crunched for time this morning, on my way out the door to take my little brothers (ha, not so little anymore, they both tower over me now!  When did these men invade my brothers' bodies?) out for shopping/lunch/movie, but I'll have another update soon. 

Goal for the day: don't repeat yesterday.

Car-tharsis

I'm headed "home" for the holidays tomorrow.  I use quotes because I've never actually lived in the house that my parents live in now, or in the state, for that matter.  I am very close to my family, especially my mom, and I only see them once or twice a year, so I'm really looking forward to spending time with them over the next week.  I've actually given almost no thought to Christmas itself, I'm just looking forward to time with the family.  Yes, it sounds corny, but 'tis true.  

One thing I'm not so thrilled about is the 12+ hour drive.  In some ways, at least.  I hate dealing with traffic (I have to drive through several of the biggest cities in my region), with boredom, with knowing that a lot of my valuables (my computer, camera, phone, various other items that I cannot afford to replace, and most of all my precious G.) are in one rather precarious place.  Talk about having all your eggs in one basket, try putting them all in a combustion-powered machine hurtling across the landscape at 75 miles an hour with just a few inches of rubber away from the asphalt, with similar machines under the control of humans of questionable character and/or competency all vying for position on the road . . . I'm not phobic of driving my any means, but an entire day of this does tend to create twinges of worry.

The main thing I hate about car trips,  of course, is being sedentary for the entire day.  I've talked about my exercise issues before, so this probably doesn't require further explanation.

BUT, those issues aside, I actually do tend to enjoy car trips.  When I am driving, I don't have the option to do anything except pretty much existing.  I never get to just "be" in real life.  No matter how dedicated and self-disciplined I am, when I am driving I literally cannot study, enter data for my honors thesis, send organization-related e-mail, do writing assignments, clean, work out, do volunteer work, or anything of the other million things that usually fill my time.  I have all of my productivity options taken away, and I can just sit and listen to music and audiobooks, or just let my mind wander.  Hours and hours of just thinking time.  That is a luxury I never allow myself in normal circumstances.  I mean, I think all day long, obviously, I'm a full-time student, but Study Thinking and Introspective Thinking are two very different animals.  I find myself contemplating issues, memories, and general thoughts that I normally would not have had the time or energy to deal with.  It's funny how being trapped in a vehicle for hours can be so cathartic sometimes.

It's also kind of freeing to be on the road.  I spend each day entrenched in routines and responsibilities, and every once in a while it's nice to be reminded that I can indeed just hop in my vehicle and go, leaving my usual life behind for a while.  I am nervous about the break in routine, but the rays of liberation that shine through the anxiety are a reward that I don't let myself take for granted.

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