Oh, one thing I forgot to mention in my updates yesterday. My beloved G. passed away a few weeks ago (it will be a month ago on Monday). He was my best friend and was pretty woven into my identity. I can't imagine ever finding another pet that was such a perfect match for me.
So that's that.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Back to Therapy
Hey y'all. Once again, it's been a while. Things have been such a whirlwind this year that I've become basically that worst blogger ever, and I haven't felt like I've had big updates on the ED stuff. Maybe because I just haven't wanted to think/talk about it, I guess.
Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.
I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.
So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?
Because I need it, frankly.
While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.
So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.
I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?
Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.
So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).
The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.
And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?). Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.
So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.
Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.
It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.
Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).
I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.
Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."
So that's that.
Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.
Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.
I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.
So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?
Because I need it, frankly.
While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.
So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.
I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?
Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.
So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).
The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.
And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?). Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.
So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.
Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.
It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.
Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).
I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.
Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."
So that's that.
Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Foodie Calls and Other Wins
So, a string of victories to report lately. Things aren't going 100% better (still counting calories, exercising more than I should, etc) but I think I'm making significant progress in some important areas.
Two very basic ones:
1. More calories
2. Less exercise
Granted both changes have been made at a pretty (very) modest scale at this point, but I can feel that sort of loosening in my mind that will let them become increments in bigger changes rather than token concessions that lead nowhere.
A few other wins that have made me feel successful lately:
Answering a "foodie call."
Everyone has experienced this.
It's similar to a booty call, in that most people see it as a spontaneous invite to a pleasurable experience. Except instead of bedroom fun, a "foodie" call comes in the form of random dinner invites, unexpected baked goods being dropped off at your desk, pressure to go out for a lunch you hadn't planned for, etc. Things that some people without food hangups would definitely find fun, but not if you're uptight about everything that goes into your mouth.
So last week we had a summer thunderstorm that knocked out power to our house one evening. Cue panic that I won't have electricity to cook my planned dinner. Cue self-shaming and reminding myself that I just came from a place where most people NEVER have power, and even my relatively privileged lodgings only had electricity for 1/3 of the day. Cue improvised plans for a dinner that required not external heat.
Cue a call from my mom telling me she was on her way to swing by the house after work and did I want to go out for dinner. Cue about 30 seconds of extreme turmoil, then a decision to just do it. Scrapped my plans, went out for dinner with my mom and one of her colleagues, even had extra calories, and enjoyed the evening.
Actually cooking meals WITH my boyfriend
I arrived in Match City on Saturday morning, and so far the visit has been awesome. One of my favorite wins so far this trip was that yesterday at lunch we cooked and ate the SAME things for our meal. This almost never happens. We've had a lot of temporary co-habitation periods over the course of our 3.75 year relationship (has it really been that long???), but usually when we cook at home it just involves him cooking his food and me cooking mine, and then sitting down to eat it together. Yesterday we made a meal where both of our main dishes (we picked different sides based on taste preference) came out of the same ingredients boxes and were cooked together, no alternative Cammy version made separately with lower-cal substitutions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it felt like a huge victory for both of us.
Ordering a challenge food in a restaurant
Ihop chocolate chocolate chip pancakes. Win. Enough said.
I haven't been weighing myself, so I don't know if the weight I'd lost is coming back yet, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that it's okay when (not letting myself frame it as "if") it does.
So, baby steps. I'm really enjoying this Match visit and I want to stay calm/nourished enough to continue. The only spat we've had was yesterday morning when my blood sugar was WAY too low for me to be rational. That's a preventable situation that I want to try to be more vigilant about. I still have fucked up hunger signals, which means that usually I don't feel hungry at all until my brain/body are feeling unwell. Trying to stay on top of it better from now on.
I hope everyone is having a good week; love y'all.
Two very basic ones:
1. More calories
2. Less exercise
Granted both changes have been made at a pretty (very) modest scale at this point, but I can feel that sort of loosening in my mind that will let them become increments in bigger changes rather than token concessions that lead nowhere.
A few other wins that have made me feel successful lately:
Answering a "foodie call."
Everyone has experienced this.
It's similar to a booty call, in that most people see it as a spontaneous invite to a pleasurable experience. Except instead of bedroom fun, a "foodie" call comes in the form of random dinner invites, unexpected baked goods being dropped off at your desk, pressure to go out for a lunch you hadn't planned for, etc. Things that some people without food hangups would definitely find fun, but not if you're uptight about everything that goes into your mouth.
So last week we had a summer thunderstorm that knocked out power to our house one evening. Cue panic that I won't have electricity to cook my planned dinner. Cue self-shaming and reminding myself that I just came from a place where most people NEVER have power, and even my relatively privileged lodgings only had electricity for 1/3 of the day. Cue improvised plans for a dinner that required not external heat.
Cue a call from my mom telling me she was on her way to swing by the house after work and did I want to go out for dinner. Cue about 30 seconds of extreme turmoil, then a decision to just do it. Scrapped my plans, went out for dinner with my mom and one of her colleagues, even had extra calories, and enjoyed the evening.
Actually cooking meals WITH my boyfriend
I arrived in Match City on Saturday morning, and so far the visit has been awesome. One of my favorite wins so far this trip was that yesterday at lunch we cooked and ate the SAME things for our meal. This almost never happens. We've had a lot of temporary co-habitation periods over the course of our 3.75 year relationship (has it really been that long???), but usually when we cook at home it just involves him cooking his food and me cooking mine, and then sitting down to eat it together. Yesterday we made a meal where both of our main dishes (we picked different sides based on taste preference) came out of the same ingredients boxes and were cooked together, no alternative Cammy version made separately with lower-cal substitutions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it felt like a huge victory for both of us.
Ordering a challenge food in a restaurant
Ihop chocolate chocolate chip pancakes. Win. Enough said.
I haven't been weighing myself, so I don't know if the weight I'd lost is coming back yet, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that it's okay when (not letting myself frame it as "if") it does.
So, baby steps. I'm really enjoying this Match visit and I want to stay calm/nourished enough to continue. The only spat we've had was yesterday morning when my blood sugar was WAY too low for me to be rational. That's a preventable situation that I want to try to be more vigilant about. I still have fucked up hunger signals, which means that usually I don't feel hungry at all until my brain/body are feeling unwell. Trying to stay on top of it better from now on.
I hope everyone is having a good week; love y'all.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Readjusting
Hey y'all. I'm working on getting settled in; jetlag is still kicking my ass, but I'm starting to feel more human. I hate that I've done NOTHING productive (in terms of school and other writing work) since I've been back, but I just haven't felt up to it. I have caught up on a lot of HBO, though . . . *cringe*
I'm staying with my family for a week before I fly up to visit Match, and it's been so nice to get time with people I love again. Not to mention my beloved G.! I am really lucky to have such an awesome family that I like to spend time with.
I was at pretty high elevation in Tropical Research Country (although not quite as high as where I live in PhD Town during the fall semester), and once again I'm realizing just how much elevation affects my appetite and seems to numb me to energy deficits. I've actually boosted my calories a bit since I've been back, relative to what I was eating last week in TRC, and I am still FAMISHED all of the time. I'm in that mode where I am somehow hungrier after dinner than I was before. It happens every time I come down in elevation from TRC or PhD Town, but it's always weird and frustrating.
I'm trying to listen to it, though...the first day I was back, my mom mentioned that she could tell I'd lost a significant amount of weight in TRC, and I kind of blew her off. I have a hard time seeing gradual changes, and I figured I'd dropped a tiny bit (judging by belt/pants fit) but nothing serious. Then I weighed myself and realized she was right. I'm not sure how much it shows in photos, but I lost more than I'd expected, and really do need to work on gaining it back.
So of course now there's that jump from realizing that intellectually and putting it into practice. I've shaved down my exercise time (still a lot of room for progress on that front, though...) and boosted my calories a bit. I'm doing those mind games with trying to rationalize everything (freaking out about a weeklong road trip with Mom next month and somehow telling myself I need to "save up" energy surplus for that), when really I just need to suck it up and do it. Anyway, work in progress. If I had a dollar for every time I'd said that on this blog . . .
But this time I'm 100% aware and accepting of what I need to do, and am motivated to get myself restored a bit so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer with Match and my family and be in a position to rock the next semester. I leave to visit Match on Saturday, and his city has tons of cool restaurants, grocery stores like Trader Joe's, and other stuff that will hopefully help. I'm honestly just not that into food, but I like novelty and trying new things, so having options around like that is a way to boost motivation to be liberal with my eating.
I'm also just readjusting to culture. Americans are loud, man. LOUD and entitled. And the first time I walked into a grocery store it was WAY overwhelming. Do you realize how much FOOD we have? Not just that things are always in stock (a constant problem at the market in TRC) but that we have not just everything, but twelve different varieties of everything???
It's still blowing my mind. I have to wonder: with all the intellectual, economic, and infrastructural resources at our disposal in this country, surely there could have been something more productive and consequential than developing the sixth variety of Cap'n Crunch cereal? Really, five wasn't enough? There was absolutely nothing more important to invest in? Okay I'm going to stop preaching, but things like that have really been weighing on my mind since I've been back.
Still wrapping up some interpersonal stuff that happened in TRC . . . people are complicated, man.
Anyway, that's the update to cover the past few days. I love TRC but it's nice to be back. Have I mentioned that I have the best most awesome dog in the world? I'm in awe of G. all over again every time I return to him.
I'm staying with my family for a week before I fly up to visit Match, and it's been so nice to get time with people I love again. Not to mention my beloved G.! I am really lucky to have such an awesome family that I like to spend time with.
I was at pretty high elevation in Tropical Research Country (although not quite as high as where I live in PhD Town during the fall semester), and once again I'm realizing just how much elevation affects my appetite and seems to numb me to energy deficits. I've actually boosted my calories a bit since I've been back, relative to what I was eating last week in TRC, and I am still FAMISHED all of the time. I'm in that mode where I am somehow hungrier after dinner than I was before. It happens every time I come down in elevation from TRC or PhD Town, but it's always weird and frustrating.
I'm trying to listen to it, though...the first day I was back, my mom mentioned that she could tell I'd lost a significant amount of weight in TRC, and I kind of blew her off. I have a hard time seeing gradual changes, and I figured I'd dropped a tiny bit (judging by belt/pants fit) but nothing serious. Then I weighed myself and realized she was right. I'm not sure how much it shows in photos, but I lost more than I'd expected, and really do need to work on gaining it back.
So of course now there's that jump from realizing that intellectually and putting it into practice. I've shaved down my exercise time (still a lot of room for progress on that front, though...) and boosted my calories a bit. I'm doing those mind games with trying to rationalize everything (freaking out about a weeklong road trip with Mom next month and somehow telling myself I need to "save up" energy surplus for that), when really I just need to suck it up and do it. Anyway, work in progress. If I had a dollar for every time I'd said that on this blog . . .
But this time I'm 100% aware and accepting of what I need to do, and am motivated to get myself restored a bit so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer with Match and my family and be in a position to rock the next semester. I leave to visit Match on Saturday, and his city has tons of cool restaurants, grocery stores like Trader Joe's, and other stuff that will hopefully help. I'm honestly just not that into food, but I like novelty and trying new things, so having options around like that is a way to boost motivation to be liberal with my eating.
I'm also just readjusting to culture. Americans are loud, man. LOUD and entitled. And the first time I walked into a grocery store it was WAY overwhelming. Do you realize how much FOOD we have? Not just that things are always in stock (a constant problem at the market in TRC) but that we have not just everything, but twelve different varieties of everything???
It's still blowing my mind. I have to wonder: with all the intellectual, economic, and infrastructural resources at our disposal in this country, surely there could have been something more productive and consequential than developing the sixth variety of Cap'n Crunch cereal? Really, five wasn't enough? There was absolutely nothing more important to invest in? Okay I'm going to stop preaching, but things like that have really been weighing on my mind since I've been back.
Still wrapping up some interpersonal stuff that happened in TRC . . . people are complicated, man.
Anyway, that's the update to cover the past few days. I love TRC but it's nice to be back. Have I mentioned that I have the best most awesome dog in the world? I'm in awe of G. all over again every time I return to him.
Friday, May 31, 2013
A Timeline
I've done quite a bit of globe-trotting for someone my age, and I have NEVER had jetlag as severe as I do this week. My body is acting like some kind of insomniac two-year-old that refuses to get with the program.
Granted, this was one of the more challenging trips I've taken. When I visited Tropical Research Country (TRC) last year, I had just one layover and was ending my journey on the east coast of the US. Now "home" (ie where my parents and dog are) is farther west, and I had two layovers, including one that was hundreds of miles west of home, meaning I had to backtrack against a significant portion of the country. If all of that sounds confusing, this is how the trip went:
At what was 23:30h in Eastern time on Monday, I left my house in TRC for the 6 hour drive to TRC's capital city. I was hitching with an undergrad field course that was heading out the same day. We had lunch in the city, killed some time in the afternoon shopping, and had way too much time stuck in the stuffy, dark airport.
At the equivalent of 14:45 on Tuesday in Eastern time, I took off for an 8.5 hour overnight (left at 23:45 TRC time) flight to European Hub City.
Landed in European Hub City at 6:30 local time on Wednesday, 23:30 Tuesday night in eastern time.
Had a 3 hour layover there, then boarded a 10 hour flight to American Hub City (which is farther west than my final destination). Landed at 13:30 local time on Wednesday, which was 20:30 for the time my body was used to.
Scheduled for a 5 hour layover. Did customs and all that jazz, stressed over what to eat and made a few false starts at procuring a meal. Ended up doing well with food, but only because I got scared at how weak/fuzzyheaded I felt.
Huge thunderstorms hit, delaying the flight another 3 hours.
At 22:00 Eastern timeWednesday night, board final flight. Land at 23:45 local time at Regional Hub City. Greet family, gather bags, embark on one hour drive home and finally walk in the door at 1:00 Thursday morning (eastern), about 49 hours after I left my house in TRC.
Discover my dad has moved all of my clothes into storage while I was gone, have exhausted emotional meltdown about lack of immediately accessible clean underwear.
Call Match at 2 AM having said emotional meltdown about underwear.
Am calmed from hysterics to hiccuping sobs by Match, hang up and cry myself to sleep around 3:00 Thursday morning.
Wretched body is wide awake at 5:30 Thursday morning.
Am more numb that sleepy for all of Thursday. Notice on my drive home from lunch with Mom that I REALLY was too bleary to be on the road.
Put myself to bed at 21:15 Thursday night.
Proceed to sleep, but with wake-ups at midnight, 2:00, and finally wide awake at 2:45.
Kill time on the internet (y'all, do you realize how FAST the internet is in this country???). Try to log into HBOGo only to realize the online account I'd been "borrowing" was canceled at some point while I was gone. Switch to catching up on magazines until 5:00 Friday morning.
Log in to write rambling and only arguably coherent blog post at 5:05.
And here we meet.
Oh, and I DO have clean underwear now. Just in case you were worried.
Granted, this was one of the more challenging trips I've taken. When I visited Tropical Research Country (TRC) last year, I had just one layover and was ending my journey on the east coast of the US. Now "home" (ie where my parents and dog are) is farther west, and I had two layovers, including one that was hundreds of miles west of home, meaning I had to backtrack against a significant portion of the country. If all of that sounds confusing, this is how the trip went:
At what was 23:30h in Eastern time on Monday, I left my house in TRC for the 6 hour drive to TRC's capital city. I was hitching with an undergrad field course that was heading out the same day. We had lunch in the city, killed some time in the afternoon shopping, and had way too much time stuck in the stuffy, dark airport.
At the equivalent of 14:45 on Tuesday in Eastern time, I took off for an 8.5 hour overnight (left at 23:45 TRC time) flight to European Hub City.
Landed in European Hub City at 6:30 local time on Wednesday, 23:30 Tuesday night in eastern time.
Had a 3 hour layover there, then boarded a 10 hour flight to American Hub City (which is farther west than my final destination). Landed at 13:30 local time on Wednesday, which was 20:30 for the time my body was used to.
Scheduled for a 5 hour layover. Did customs and all that jazz, stressed over what to eat and made a few false starts at procuring a meal. Ended up doing well with food, but only because I got scared at how weak/fuzzyheaded I felt.
Huge thunderstorms hit, delaying the flight another 3 hours.
At 22:00 Eastern timeWednesday night, board final flight. Land at 23:45 local time at Regional Hub City. Greet family, gather bags, embark on one hour drive home and finally walk in the door at 1:00 Thursday morning (eastern), about 49 hours after I left my house in TRC.
Discover my dad has moved all of my clothes into storage while I was gone, have exhausted emotional meltdown about lack of immediately accessible clean underwear.
Call Match at 2 AM having said emotional meltdown about underwear.
Am calmed from hysterics to hiccuping sobs by Match, hang up and cry myself to sleep around 3:00 Thursday morning.
Wretched body is wide awake at 5:30 Thursday morning.
Am more numb that sleepy for all of Thursday. Notice on my drive home from lunch with Mom that I REALLY was too bleary to be on the road.
Put myself to bed at 21:15 Thursday night.
Proceed to sleep, but with wake-ups at midnight, 2:00, and finally wide awake at 2:45.
Kill time on the internet (y'all, do you realize how FAST the internet is in this country???). Try to log into HBOGo only to realize the online account I'd been "borrowing" was canceled at some point while I was gone. Switch to catching up on magazines until 5:00 Friday morning.
Log in to write rambling and only arguably coherent blog post at 5:05.
And here we meet.
Oh, and I DO have clean underwear now. Just in case you were worried.
Monday, May 27, 2013
EDs in Novels?
Thanks so much for the support you ladies have shown me after I went AWOL for a few months; every single comment on the last post absolutely brightened my day.
Question:
Can anyone think of a novel that features a character that has/had an eating disorder, but sort of as a subplot (ie, not a traditional "sickness and then recovery" narrative a la Hunger Point, The Best Little Girl in the World, etc)? I guess the caveat here is that I have in mind books that treat the issue as a serious but not ridiculed component of someone's life (not the "oh that flakey skinny chick must anorexic, ick" approach that seems to provide some sick comic relief in occasional books and movies).
Not sure if I explained that quite right, but let me know if you can think of any titles? I much appreciate your input.
Flying home tomorrow...love y'all.
Question:
Can anyone think of a novel that features a character that has/had an eating disorder, but sort of as a subplot (ie, not a traditional "sickness and then recovery" narrative a la Hunger Point, The Best Little Girl in the World, etc)? I guess the caveat here is that I have in mind books that treat the issue as a serious but not ridiculed component of someone's life (not the "oh that flakey skinny chick must anorexic, ick" approach that seems to provide some sick comic relief in occasional books and movies).
Not sure if I explained that quite right, but let me know if you can think of any titles? I much appreciate your input.
Flying home tomorrow...love y'all.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Been a while
So . . . I don't really feel like I deserve to have anyone reading this blog anymore, since I went completely AWOL from writing and reading ED blogs during this field research session. I've stayed in touch with a few people, but feel a lot of guilt about avoiding the blogosphere. I can't explain it exactly, but I try *so* hard to compartmentalize and be purely in "researcher/scientist" mode when I'm in the field. I guess I worry that if I keep up with ED blogs during my time out here, I don't give myself a chance to shed those obsessions and end up distracting myself from my research.
I don't know if that actually works. Things have been okay; could have been better and could have been worse. So I'm sorry if I haven't been as supportive as I should have in the blog world.
I'm going home in three days, and even though I've been here in Tropical Research Country for four months now, the time has flown by. As I'm inching closer to "real life" again (whatever that is, right?), I can already feel my anxiety about food/exercise stuff ratcheting up.
I have no idea where my weight is. Okay, by "no idea" I mean I don't know a finely measured number, but I guess I do have some idea. I suspect it edged down a bit, judging by the fit of my pants/belt, but not dramatically, and I did do better with keeping up calories than pretty much any other field session. This was mostly because this time I was living in a house, with access to a full kitchen and my own meal prep (as opposed to relying upon dining hall offerings). My formal exercise has been a bit lower than in the States, going to try to push it down a bit farther in re-establishing my routines Stateside.
Remote field stations are such weird places from a sociological/psychological standpoint. You have a small group of 20-somethings thousands of miles from home, hundreds of miles from a city, dealing with a foreign setting and culture, isolated with only each other for company 24/7. It's almost like being in a spaceship, except with really awesome tropical birds in the background.
Anyone who has ever watched a reality TV show knows better than to underestimate the drama that a small group of 20-somethings can generate with virtually no outside stimuli.
I've been lucky enough to get along with pretty much everybody, although there are a few people whom I try to minimize my time with. My housemate is pretty moody, but I've learned not to take it personally. I'm pretty sure another PhD student here is bulimic. I got very, very close to one person here over the past few months (that's a long story), and am still moping about them leaving for another job last week. It's also the "lull period" between spring and summer waves of researchers, so the place feels kind of empty overall. I'm pretty lonely and will be ready to go home on Tuesday/Wednesday (yes, two full days in trucks and trains and planes to get from here to home).
So I guess this is just my reintro post; I plan to be back to reading/updating in the blog world more regularly again. I hope you all know how much your support has always meant to me, and hope my hiatus didn't lose too many people--although that definitely wouldn't be undeserved.
Love y'all.
I don't know if that actually works. Things have been okay; could have been better and could have been worse. So I'm sorry if I haven't been as supportive as I should have in the blog world.
I'm going home in three days, and even though I've been here in Tropical Research Country for four months now, the time has flown by. As I'm inching closer to "real life" again (whatever that is, right?), I can already feel my anxiety about food/exercise stuff ratcheting up.
I have no idea where my weight is. Okay, by "no idea" I mean I don't know a finely measured number, but I guess I do have some idea. I suspect it edged down a bit, judging by the fit of my pants/belt, but not dramatically, and I did do better with keeping up calories than pretty much any other field session. This was mostly because this time I was living in a house, with access to a full kitchen and my own meal prep (as opposed to relying upon dining hall offerings). My formal exercise has been a bit lower than in the States, going to try to push it down a bit farther in re-establishing my routines Stateside.
Remote field stations are such weird places from a sociological/psychological standpoint. You have a small group of 20-somethings thousands of miles from home, hundreds of miles from a city, dealing with a foreign setting and culture, isolated with only each other for company 24/7. It's almost like being in a spaceship, except with really awesome tropical birds in the background.
Anyone who has ever watched a reality TV show knows better than to underestimate the drama that a small group of 20-somethings can generate with virtually no outside stimuli.
I've been lucky enough to get along with pretty much everybody, although there are a few people whom I try to minimize my time with. My housemate is pretty moody, but I've learned not to take it personally. I'm pretty sure another PhD student here is bulimic. I got very, very close to one person here over the past few months (that's a long story), and am still moping about them leaving for another job last week. It's also the "lull period" between spring and summer waves of researchers, so the place feels kind of empty overall. I'm pretty lonely and will be ready to go home on Tuesday/Wednesday (yes, two full days in trucks and trains and planes to get from here to home).
So I guess this is just my reintro post; I plan to be back to reading/updating in the blog world more regularly again. I hope you all know how much your support has always meant to me, and hope my hiatus didn't lose too many people--although that definitely wouldn't be undeserved.
Love y'all.
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