Bragging by Proxy

So I've done a bunch of downer posts about me and I'm starting to feel guilty/embarrassed/boring.  Plus today was such a doozy that the last thing I want to write about is my status right now.  So in lieu of more of my usual lamentations, I'll talk about some other people in my life that are actually successful/inspiring.

Like I mentioned a while back, one plus to being in the segment of my summer in which I'm staying with family is that I'm back in the town where I went to high school (for the first time in the 7 years since I graduated), and it's given me the chance to catch up with a handful of old friends that either still live here or are similarly passing through for the summer.

I struggled with my ED pretty severely from the 7th grade all the way through high school, with just a year or two in there of subtle reprieve health-wise.  I was definitely not the only person in my cohort with issues, of course.  Over the past week I got a chance to catch up with two friends that have also dealt with EDs*, and it was SO fantastic to see them happy, healthy, and moving on with their lives.

Friend #1 had a short but steep bout with anorexia when we were seniors.  Her older sisters and some of her soccer teammates caught on to it, but not before she had lost a very significant amount of weight. Her parents forced her into therapy (she was against it at first, or course), and took a very heavy-handed approach (which I would have loathed but still kind of wish my parents had done)--very much the "wham-bam" treatment option.  And it worked.  Within a year she was back on track and has been healthy and ED-free ever since.  She is one of the smartest, strongest, funniest and most genuine people I've ever met, and I love that she's a testament to the fact that you can indeed kick the ED to the curb even if you start out fairly resistant to treatment.

Friend #2 had sort of a longer, rougher route to wellness.  She suffered from major swings of depression throughout high school, on top of struggling with bulimia and cutting.  Her mother was anorexic for a long time and actually committed suicide a couple of years after we graduated from high school.  I think her mother's suicide, while tragic of course, was a huge turning point for my friend, and really spurred her to start looking at her life more objectively and finally get the resolve to dump a toxic relationship, stick to her meds to better control the depression, and start taking an upper hand with a lot of other things. She went back to finish her degree, found a guy that treats her like the goddess she is, and has made leaps and bounds in therapy. She still has some body image issues, but overall she is doing SO fantastic.  And the cutting is so in the past that she has a beautiful new recovery tattoo covering the worst of the scars.  The whole time I was sitting across from her, I wished I could have shown the 2005 version of herself a video of the 2012 version, just to reassure her that the future WAS worth soldiering on for. She looked so happy, calm, balanced, and healthy.  Very inspiring.

So, woot for those two, I am so proud of them and glad to have them as reminders that recovery IS doable.  Just wanted to brag for them.


 *I don't want to give the impression that I only hung out with EDers in high school (we actually didn't talk about our EDs much at all, I never even said the words "I have an eating disorder" out loud until I was a junior in college), but in a school of 2,000 students, there were bound to be a few of us that were at least obviously struggling, and probably many more that flew under the radar.  These are the only two friends I had that I know had EDs; it's just a coincidence that they were both among the 5 or so people I've gotten to hang out with over the past couple of weeks.

Remember that time...

So remember that time that I caught a random middle-aged guy looking me over in the gym?  Okay, not that atypical for anything young and female in a gym.

But remember that time when that random middle-aged guy at the gym looked me over, then later approached me while I was on the exercise bike and asked me if I had an eating disorder?  And recommended that I should get some religion to help me out with that and oh by the way he's a pastor at XYZ Church and don't I know what I'm doing is a sin?

Yeah, that time was this morning, and boy was it awkward.

I appreciate awareness about EDs, but I don't know if accusing people of sinning for having a disease really counts.

Despite my blustered denials to God's Guilt Messenger at the gym, I'm starting to get so fucking frustrated with myself (from a secular standpoint, he can take his sin-slinging and shove it) and am really wondering if I just don't have what it takes to go the distance.

Besides the exercise consuming my life again and eating not being stellar, other things are actually going okay, I promise to write about them at some point.

Offline

Because Comcast is a loser of a company, we still have no Internet at the new rental house. I've been doing most of my internetting on my iPhone, but for some reason it won't let me comment on blogs. Just so you know, I AM reading and hope to be more fully online soon. Not doing so hot right now...will figure it out, though.

Penance? Check.

Okay ladies, have to laugh: as of today I'm back in the town where I went to high school. There is a new gym that opened since I left, and I came to check it out today...and apparently they tore my old church down and built the gym directly where the chapel used to be. Reporting to the same place for much different rituals. Or perhaps not so different. Rather poetic, huh?

Back to home base

Well, the extended Match visit is officially over.  I left yesterday, with a ton of mixed feelings.  I'm so glad I stayed longer than originally planned, because the last 10 days of the visit were absolutely the best.  I am a bit relieved to be out of the pressure of being the center of attention all the time.  It's nice to just do what I feel like, when I feel like it, without negotiating with another person, but on the other hand I had a hell of a hard time falling asleep last night without having him there to rub my back while I was drifting off. I miss his companionship and our jokes, but not the bit of walking on eggshells we still had left. I am glad to have more chances for a bit of quiet solitude, but miss hearing him tool around on his guitar while he's waiting for me to get ready in the morning. See-saw, push and pull; feelings all over the board.  It was the most emotional he'd been at a parting. I couldn't shed a tear, but my heart broke for him. I care about him, truly, a lot.  He is a good person and I want him to be happy.  But I don't know if I've ever left a visit feeling so confused about our ultimate trajectory.  Oh well, time will tell.  We're planning next month's visit and I suppose things will play out.

So now I'm back with family.  Thought I'd handle being gymless with a run and a long dog walk today, but it fucking poured the entire.day.long.  Cue anxiety and jitters and a not so good day with food.  Starting tomorrow I'll be sharing a too-small rental duplex with my mom and two teenage brothers for the next 2.5 weeks, so that will be interesting. (My parents are trying to buy a new home right now so we're sort of in limbo in terms of housing).  On the bright side, my social calendar is filling pretty quickly with appointments to see old high school friends, so hopefully that will go well and keep me from getting too entrenched in a disordered routine here.

Being back here also means I have access to a scale again (my grandparents have a medical-type balancing scale that seems to be super accurate). The verdict: I didn't gain or lose an ounce on the 3 week visit with Match.  I was shocked, as I was sure I'd gained some back, but being able to go there and do well enough food to not lose any was a victory of a sort also.

It makes me feel a bit empowered that I can go to a new place, enjoy new restaurants, cook in front of someone else in close-quarters, have little splurges like sweet potato falafel (LOVE), froyo visits, and downing more than my share of a bottle of wine on the last night...without fear that I'm "ruining" anything or giving in to an irrational conviction that any deviation from my normal routines will balloon me.  It doesn't mean I am at all celebrating lack of weight gain, but just noting the value of the the lesson learned that I can be a bit free and spontaneous without major effect in the long run.

This next phase is going to be the biggest crunch in terms of not freaking out over exercise.  Heeere we go.  Love y'all.

Trying Hard

I am really *really* trying with food and have done way better over the last week. I think realizing how loose some of my clothes had gotten was a big reality check.

Having a Fantastic weekend with Match so far. And he really is doing a lot to try to minimize my discomfort with adding food. We ate at my new fave restaurant here downtown today (no nutrition facts available for this place but I love it anyway), and I spontaneously had a cocktail at lunch despite the extra calories, AND went to a self-serve froyo place (a tradition of ours) afterwards. And later at home I had an extra snack after dinner because I was still hungry despite having so much uncertainty with cals eating out today. I think I've hit my baseline calorie mark most days this week (an improvement).

My last post was really a downer and I just wanted to do a quick update (posting from iPhone). I hope everyone is having a fantabulous weekend so far, love y'all.

July CliffsNotes

I really can't blame anyone who has just given up reading this blog, given how crappy I've been about updating lately.

CliffsNotes

Relationship

Things with Match have gotten better since I last posted.  Still a bit tense at times (mostly when he’s stressed over classes and such) but overall feeling much more like "us." I think we are in a good place but I sometimes feel a little tired of being the focus of attention so much (I’ve never had a roommate or co-habitated in my life outside of camping on field research trips).

Exercise

Too much, in too much heat. Holy fuck it's been hot, hasn't it? And Match has no A/C here. Each day is a losing battle for electrolyte balance.  What else is new.  PS: I am so, so tired of feeling sticky and dirty even after I've just showered. I'm usually the one complaining about being cold when no one else is, but I actually seem to be pretty prone to heat stress as well (possibly because I dehydrate fast...because I abused my organs so much as a teen and now my kidneys suck.  Oh and my heart, which tends to flip out when I’m heat stressed and dehydrated also. thank you anorexia).

Food

I am trying *hard*.  I'm actually averaging more calories per day than on any previous Match visit...which puts me at almost my normal baseline intake. Baby steps.  I’ve stepped out of the box a bit on the types of things I’ll eat around him. I used to majorly restrict sodium and avoided anything of significant volume OR density when I knew I’d be spending time with him, which obviously is a big constraint).  So that’s  good, and he’s great about trying to make sure I’m comfortable with whatever around him.

We had one major ED-related run in.  I’ve been doing really great about eating out, and have been for a while.  I’m good about finding something on the menu and not freaking out.  This has become a bit trickier since I’ve become a vegetarian (albeit a fish-eating one), but I typically make it work.   Then on Wednesday I spontaneously suggested a lunch date for the holiday to a restaurant we’ve eaten at before and both like.  When they brought me my food, though, I suspected they hadn’t prepared it how I requested, so I got really anxious and picked at some of the sides then sent the rest back.  I was too anxious and flustered to pick out a new meal from the menu and told Match I’d just make myself something at home afterward.  

Match got really upset with me, and it culminated in a bit of a confrontation about the ED stuff when we got home.  He made some valid points, and I know I put him in a difficult situation not infrequently.  I also think there were some things he just wasn’t “getting”, but I can’t really blame him for that.  I’m glad we had the talk, I guess.  His main concern was that it seems like the “baseline” keeps getting moved.  Lose weight, don’t gain it back, that’s the new norm.  Add exercise, make it routine, that’s the new norm.  Trends like that.  Which actually is a very real and valid observation. 

Related

 I got a “just checking in” email from D., the dietician I had to leave behind when I moved.  She wanted to see how I was doing and offer to do a few phone sessions since I have no real treatment options during all the transition this summer.  Giving her the honest details on what I’ve been doing was a bit of a reality check, and has contributed to me trying even harder with getting my calorie intake up every day.  My main issue is that due to the switch from one school to another, I don’t get a paycheck in August, and my Master’s degree school botched my July check and still hasn’t paid me for this month, so I essentially can’t afford anything right now.  I think she got irritated with me that money is so prohibitive, but I can’t help that.  We’ll see.

Anyway, that’s the Status of Things.  I was supposed to go home this past Monday but extended it to next week.  I’m glad, because it’s been a really solid week for us as a couple and I’m glad we didn’t miss that.  

I hope everyone is doing well.  Happy belated 4th of July, have a great weekend! Love y’all.


PS I have been pretty fascinated with following the #noshamefood trend on Twitter, good to see people not being embarrassed about foods they enjoy.