First things first, before I get all rambly and lost in thought-tangents: I am trying REALLY hard to establish a routine of eating my "normal" calories versus TRC rations now that I'm back from my latest trip. I hit that goal yesterday, but am REALLY aware of the last month's weight gain today and could use some "it gets better" or otherwise reassuring comments about weight restoration if you've got them; I don't usually specifically request things like this but it's a day I felt like I needed to reach out.
So, on with normal programming: yet another post-trip update.
I went up to visit my biological dad's family over 4th of July weekend, and it was interesting. I did not go full-bore vacation mode with my eating. I think that was partly out of fear of it becoming a pattern that evolves into lost control, and partly because my body isn't as desperate now as it was when I first got back from TRC. I still had a couple of splurgy days, but it wasn't as pronounced as when I was at my conference a few weeks ago.
Like I mentioned before, Aunt X had ED issues when she was younger, and I know that her oldest daughter (22) at least has had body image issues (she used to be on the dance AND wrestling teams in high school). Also, apparently her younger daughter (18) has been having anxiety issues so severe that they manifest as GI issues and involve her throwing up a lot, or that's what I was told.
I'm starting to understand why eating issues are a strong theme in this family, though. Grandma X felt the need to "warn" me that Cousin 1 "has really packed the weight on" and also that Aunt X has gained weight. Then when we were out to dinner one night, she saw her (female) pastor, and after going over to chat with her the first thing she said when she sat down was "wow she has really gained weight." I couldn't tell a difference in Aunt X from the last two times I've seen her, and although Cousin 1 has definitely added a lot of weight, I kind of respect her for it in an intangible way.
Grandma X is pretty controlling about food and does not let ANYONE else prepare food or do anything in the kitchen. That became a problem because she is also progressively losing her memory, and it seemed like she sort of forgot about meals, and would get surprised and flustered when a mealtime came and I asked what the plan was. I think she and Grandpa X mostly just graze casually when they don't have guests. Her food supply also wasn't really equipped for balanced vegetarian meals.
Typically, that would have been the perfect opportunity to restrict. But I think I actually rose to the challenge on this, and a few times either made up an excuse to do an errand and went grabbed a quick lunch in town, or drove to the grocery store to get dinner supplies for myself. Same with 4th of July meal -- I was proactive in going to get veggie burgers so I could eat the cookout meal with everyone else. A few years ago it would have gone much differently. So that was a win. Another win was that I ate when she and Grandpa weren't eating -- at least half of our meals involved her sitting there without food while I ate. Again, doing that would have been unbearable a few years ago. But you know what, I just spent months starving myself in TRC, and I guess I just told myself that I've done my time feeling hungry this year and was going to eat if I needed to.
Still, it was kind of a relief to leave, even though everyone up there is nice to me (despite the awkward unmentioned spectre of X's existence). I absolutely ADORE Grandpa X and also enjoy hanging out with Aunt X. Although somehow when Aunt X and Cousin 2 took me out for an evening walk we ended up talking about fad diets on the way back -- Aunt X is on a gluten-free kick and I think was jonesing for my opinion as a scientist about paleo. It made me pretty uncomfortable. Cousin 2 said nothing.
I also had a really revealing conversation with Grandma X. I have never said a single word to that side of the family about my ED, and went from the age of 18 months to 24 years without seeing them at all. But when she was telling me about Cousin 2's anxiety issues, she said that for a while she worried Cousin 2 had an ED, and then basically told me that they knew about mine but was so glad I am "better" now. "I mean, you eat, and you look great." So that was a cringe-worthy, as most of you readers probably understand, but also interesting. She also revealed that when I was a kid/teenager she would periodically call my Nana (my mom's late mother) and chat with her about me. Maybe that's where some of the ED info came from. I don't know. She said she asked Nana not to tell me or my parents she was checking in, and Nana didn't. I'm not sure why she did that, since my mom sent her letters/pictures about me throughout my childhood, and I've been in email contact with her since I was 13 or 14. So that's that.
Now I'm back at my parents' house for another week before my Mom and I take off on our 1,500 mile road trip to PhD Town.
I'm at the highest weight I've been in a long while. I'm desperately trying not to freak out about how that happened so fast, metabolically. It's not like it happened without a calorie increase. I think my body is less tolerant of excessively low weights after being stable at a higher (if still underweight) place for a while, and maybe aging also has something to do with it.
BUT I think that after a few weeks of being better nourished, I can feel my brain/thoughts slowly starting to heal. I was feeling outright crazy for a while, y'all. And it scared the shit out of me. I think I've also felt a shift from wanting to be thin to just desperately wanting to be okay with where I happen to be in terms of weight. I don't really know how to do that, but I guess at least wanting it is progress.
I had a decent body day yesterday, even though this weight would have made me spontaneously combust with anxiety a couple of months ago. It's harder today. I can see the changes and this time I KNOW they're not in my head. No one has commented on it but I am still sure they notice. I haven't outgrown any clothes yet but if that happens I don't know what I'll do. Match has been encouraging as always, but it's still hard. How do people with body-shaming partners ever do this? Maybe they just don't.
So that's how things stand now. A couple of randoms:
Has anyone seen 'Inside Out'? It is NOT just for kids and definitely worth a viewing, especially for people that have experience with depression/anxiety/etc. Although I do agree with one slightly scathing op-ed that I read that criticizes it for the symbolism of making the "Joy" character thin and lithe while the "Sadness" character is chubby.
Also, Apple Music. I love it on my MacBook, and think I will probably drop my Spotify subscription for it, but trying to get things to sync to my iPhone is like a untying a Gordian knot. I am usually smart enough to refrain from using the first version of anything that Apple puts out (although I am 100% an Apple devotee); I'm sure it will get better.
Okay, signing off. More soon. Also, any weight-restoration inspiration/reassurance y'all could offer is appreciated -- I'm trying really hard and just want to be okay enough to enjoy feeling healthier.
Love y'all.
4 comments:
It gets easier. I promise. I am currently at a weight that is 5-10 pounds higher than anything I've ever weighed in the past, and I feel freer from ED stuff than ever before. Not completely free, but FREER in every way.
Two big things that have helped tremendously: (1) If you still weigh yourself, throw out the scale. This is like the most unoriginal advice ever, and I always ignored it because it didn't seem like that big a deal, but I swear to you this is the single thing that has had the biggest impact on my recovery in the past 2-3 years. Just removing that number from my brain has allowed me to loosen up immeasurably not just with regards to weight itself, but with food, exercise, clothing sizes, body image, everything. I cannot underemphasize how big this has been for me. And (2) This is less practical advice, but more of a mindset to adopt: Let go of this idea that your metabolism makes sense. It doesn't, because eating disorders don't make sense and your body is going to react however it reacts. My weight has done strange things - gaining when I "should" have lost, losing or maintaining when I "should" have gained.... doctors, dietitians, therapists, my own family, even other bloggers/blog readers have dismissed me on this but the '2,000 calories per day,' '3,500 calories per pound' rules are, on the surface, probably not going to hold up as they 'should.' You know how they sometimes say that PTSD symptoms are 'normal responses to abnormal situations?" I've started thinking about my body in the same terms. It is just trying to figure out which way is up after being abused for so long. Do not freak out when the numbers don't add up, and try not to punch a wall when people explain calmly to you that "weight is determined by calories in/calories out." I hear you and I believe you and I know it sucks to feel like a metabolic freak of nature. Longterm balance has seemed to be the answer to things settling down for me; every time I've cranked up the exercise or restricted calories for a period, my weight seems to bump up a couple pounds. This literally defies the laws of physics, but I swear on my life it has happened to me multiple times. Bodies are not calculators.
And finally, I never would have believed this until it happened, but I promise you I am more comfortable in my body now than I was 10, 20, or even 30 pounds lighter. I PROMISE. And more significantly, perhaps, I feel *safe* in my body in a way that I never did before (or that at least I haven't since I was a kid). It trusts me to feed it, and I trust it to function. I am not all the way better and I doubt I'll ever be completely normal about food or exercise, but I can't believe how long I suffered when this was the alternative.
1) Yes, the scale is definitely fucking with my head. I went years and years without having one in the house. Last year I was only weighing myself about once a week at the gym (and not at all when I wasn't in PhD city), but I bought new ones for my places in both TRC and my parents' house this year. I know that having that number hanging over my head colors all of my thoughts in a given day. It's also hard because Match is trying to lose weight right now (he doesn't put that in my face or talk about his food constraints at all, though) and has a scale at his place too. Anyhow, all of that to say, yes I need to give it up. I think it's one reason that I am more relaxed about my weight on trips and then freak out about it when I get back to the scale at home.
2) Yeah it's weird, I think I always used to need more calories than most people to gain weight. And I definitely felt like I was getting hypermetabolic at my conference a few weeks ago. But I'm more active right now than I have been in years, running more miles per week than ever, so that's probably not a non-factor in keeping my metabolism doubtful about my intentions even when I'm eating better . . . thanks for the "bodies are not calculators" reminder. I just read an article a friend posted about how it's actually a myth that breastfeeding helps women to lose "baby weight", because often one's metabolism compensates for the extra energy output used to create milk. I guess overexercise is an analogous drain on resources that a body responds to.
3)Thanks for that point. It is a huge help to hear that from someone, and to be reminded that in the past, weights that formerly seemed just impossible ended up not feeling much different, if I gave myself time to adjust. That grace period of adjusting is what I'm worst at, but I'm trying really hard to ride that out this time.
Thanks Kaylee, I'm really lucky to have you as a friend.
I completely agree about the scale. I've been 2+ years without weighing myself (or even knowing the number) and it's incredibly freeing. Seriously. It was miserable when I had that number playing in my head all day. Also, you guys are both totally right about the calorie math being bogus. My therapist reminds me of that all the time when I complain about increased hunger. She reminds me that our bodies tell us what we need, and things go a lot better when we listen to them instead of trying to force our preconceived notions or maths on them.
I'm glad you pushed yourself with food on the trip and didn't let the oddities about Grandma X's food stuff deter you from taking care of yourself. My mom does the same thing in terms of talking about people's weight that your Grandma X does and it, too, drives me nuts. Seriously, that's not productive or healthy in any capacity.
I'm also happy to hear that your brain is starting to heal. That's one of the first things I have noticed when I've pulled out of a relapse. My emotions get much more stable and I feel less foggy and obsessive.The latest and very nice change for me is less obsession about exercise. Shocking, I know. I say these things in hopes of encouraging you to stick with eating a healthy amount of food despite all the feelz. It does get easier. Also, now that I've freed up my anorexic brain space of counting calories, pounds, etc. I have much more time to read stuff and coo at dog pictures. Hang in there! And know that I'm always a text away anytime you need encouragement or support!
Alie, thanks for the reinforcement that bodies are smarter than calculators, and that thinking clears up a lot with weight restoration. I'm tired of being so preoccupied with this to the detriment of basically everything else in my life, so I'm really trying to power through . . . one day at a time I guess. And you're a treasure, thanks for everything.
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