Written last night, and then I couldn't publish it because the internet went down:
Well hello there. This weekend has been sort of a mixed bag so far.
Good: I had my big qualifying exam on Friday, and it was challenging but I got great feedback from my committee and they passed me, which is Mega Good news as it would screw over my degree plan if they didn't. The exam is basically sitting in a conference room with 4 professors asking me questions about whatever they feel like for 3 hours. Some of the questions are just designed to be curveballs and to get you to show your critical thinking skills rather than to know the answer off the top of your head. There was one that I talked through for about 20 minutes before conceding I didn't know the answer, and the professor just said "Yeah no one really knows why X is like that." Doh. I came away feeling good about the experience, though.
Bad: I had a fender bender on my way out to celebrate with friends that evening. I actually surprised myself with how calm I stayed, but 1) my car was not at all disabled and 2) there was no way I could be faulted with accident, as I was stopped at a red light when the person hit me. It was mainly inconvenient in that it took up an hour of my evening to get the police out there and do the report, and that at some point I'll have to relinquish my car to the shop to repair the bumper.
Ugly: Stomach virus. I felt a little nauseous for most of the day, ate normally anyway (good Cammy), and then by this evening I was certifiably sicker than I've been since the last time I was in the tropics. Lovely.
Consolation: I had a super hectic day yesterday, with two meetings in addition to my exam, having a traffic collision, making an appearance at a grad student gathering and going out to dinner with my lab later on. I had no meals that were 'in routine', and didn't get my full exercise in. And yet I did not restrict and was pretty calm throughout everything. I can definitely see myself making some progress, and I have to say it feels pretty empowering.
If I could put one message out there about EDs, it would be to make people see that there is not always a linear relationship between external and internal progress with recovery. You can put all your weight back on but still be an obsessive anxiety monster with rigid and disordered routines. For me, the cognitive work (loosening routines, still calculating everything, general anxiety and fear of more weight gain, EXERCISE, etc) has been way harder. For me, the behavioral/mind aspects have been way more of an issue than physical infirmity/discomfort for the past couple of years.
My therapist from college (who I non-hyperbolically credit with pretty much saving my life) dropped me an e-mail the other day just checking to see how I was doing, which was a huge booster for me. I like the new person, but still really miss H.
Okay that's the state of things at the moment, hope everyone is having a good weekend.
2 comments:
Sorry about the bad/ugly parts, but congratulations on passing the exam! That sounds terrifying but you must be so proud of yourself!
I'm totally with you on the mental vs. physical recovery issue. Gaining weight is easy, when you get right down to it. Eat more = gain weight. But keeping that weight on, becoming okay with it, learning to accept/enjoy a sufficient amount of calories to maintain that healthy weight - eh, not so much.
Sometimes, the worst part can be AFTER you've restored some weight and no longer look like a sickly skeleton, because everyone expects you to be a bundle of recovered joy.
I hope the stomach bug doesn't stick around too long! Take care and feel better.
I just wanted to say hello/introduce myself. I've been following your blog via Eddigest, but shy about commenting (creepy?). Anyway, I'm Gina and I enjoy reading your blog. Congrats on passing your quals, must be a huge relief! (what are you studying?)
I totally empathize with the mental vs. physical aspects of recovery. Acceptance is so hard. Accepting that weight gain sucks but is necessary (and really, comparatively easy). Accepting that recovery doesn't mean feeling good all the time.
Anyhow, feel better.
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