So I lately I have barely been doing two posts a week, and here I am posting two in one day. I really hope the swamping effect doesn't discourage people from reading. But I got a very, very important question on Formspring that I wanted to address right away, because it's an issue I've spent a lot of time worrying about:
Do you ever think your blog can be triggering? You mention your low weight a lot. While you don't mention numbers, you do mention how you're thin, too thin, etc. What if you didn't mention that?
I am often conscious of whether I can say X or Y without it being seen as triggering or striking someone in an unhealthy way. I actually deleted a fairly long paragraph from the last post because I decided I didn't want to chance it. I absolutely don't use numbers, and I wouldn't post photos even if I weren't pseudonymous.
What if I never mentioned my weight at all? To be honest, I never thought that alluding to the fact that I'm not fully weight restored was very big news. I figure it is not surprising that a person in recovery from a serious eating disorder is probably at least a bit under the average for weight. I often see other people mention that their treatment team wants them to put on a last set of pounds, and have always thought it was just part of the process that is taken for granted. From what I've observed/experienced, it seems like that last few pounds to a mandated "goal weight" is a pretty long hard slog sometimes, because you look relatively normal and feel way better than you did before weight restoration, so it's hard to push yourself the last leg. I was a little worried that the person that asked this question (and THANK YOU for asking the question because if it's a concern I want to know about it) mentioned that I mention being a low weight "a lot." I scrolled through my posts from the last month and didn't see mention of it, but I know I have mentioned it occasionally and will be extra-conscious of it in the future.
If I were writing this blog claiming to be fully recovered, now, I think that would be different and it would indeed be inappropriate to say that yes I'm under X BMI and it's all cool. But I think I've been pretty open about the fact that I'm a work in progress, and I know it's not all cool--but that I've made worlds of progress from when I was very sick and am on the ascent at this point.
And the truth is, I'm not extremely thin. I hope I have not made it seem as if the situation were currently otherwise. This is going by my own perceptions of course, but I am pretty sure that if you saw me on the street or scrolled through photos on Facebook (not that I would EVER post ultrathin photos there), your first thought would not be "I bet she has an eating disorder." I'm not always the skinniest person in the room, can't wear half the jeans in my closet, and actually have a real butt and boobs now (woot!), modest as they may be. (Not that I think any of those factors mean that a person is not thin/slender at all, I just meant not gaunt or abnormal thin. Walking on eggshells a bit here, really don't want to be triggering!). Like I mentioned in my last post, I think most of my remaining progress in recovery needs to be cognitive/behavioral, even though I do actually want to work up to adding the final batch of pounds, even though I probably look/feel healthy as I am now.
And the other truth is, I don't think it's desirable at all to be very thin. I didn't really think that even when I was at much lower points in my ED. It was more of a compulsion than anything else, and I didn't necessarily think it was attractive. It was just a process of progressive entrenchment more than anything else.
I have always really, really tried to make this blog an honest but non-triggering and absolutely non-competitive forum to air concerns, challenges, woes and successes, both to reach out for a bit of support for myself and to reach out to let people know that they're not alone in what they're going through. But at the same time, the issue of being triggering is very worrisome to me, because I know you can never predict what will be triggering for everyone. If someone ever sees something in a post that they think was in poor taste to mention, PLEASE leave a comment and tell me. I moderate comments, so if you want to just send me the question without it being posted publicly, just mention that and I won't publish it but will heed your feedback.
12 comments:
Hey Cammy!
It's Laura...
I wanted to tell you...
1) I am concerned about your full recovery... not because I think you're incapable of it... just because I know your life is so full with many wonderful things that it's hard to carve out the space to put effort into cognitive/behavioral/weight change. And, because you have so many wonderful things in your life, it'd be easy to just settle and hover.
2) I have never found your mention of weight triggering. I know we all get triggered by different things, but I wanted you to know that there's at least one person (and I'm sure many more) out there who have not been triggered by you mentioning that you're not WR.
3) I have never thought you mention low weights in a "triggering" style. I mean, I don't see you flaunting it or doing anything else that would be a turn off.
4) I think you've been doing some great work recently! Proud of you! Keep it up :)
I think that yours is one of the least triggering blogs out there! You shold see what some people post on their so-called recovery blogs....weights, numbers, pictures of them at their lowest weight, ect.
I know that you put alot of thought into this issue and you go out of your way to NOT trigger anybody and I admire that about you. I think that for us to understand what you are talking about or struggling with, sometimes mention of where you are with weight and nutrition is neccessary.
Well thats my 2 cents anyways.
No, you definitely don't make for a triggering blog. I think all I've noticed is kind of what Laura said -- that there's concern because you don't fully weight restore (and maybe you're not trying? I don't know). So I guess there's just that.
Just wanted to point out that a lot of people in recovery are not underweight! I kind of cringed when I read that! There's that whole stereotype that one with an eating disorder must be underweight which is so not true. And I know you know that, and you certainly did not mean to sound like that's what you were saying. It's just something I felt the need to point out, as someone that is actually *over* what my "normal weight" probably is, but still very much in the recovery process.
Ouch right Erin, I didn't mean to imply that at all! You can *never* tell whether someone has an ED or not by looking at them. I tried to point that out by mentioning that there is still behavioral/cognitive work to be done even after weight restoration. But you're right, I think EDs are as serious and legit a problem at weight X as weight Y, *really* sorry if I didn't articulate that clearly enough. When I said someone wouldn't think that I had an ED by looking at me, I was talking about people that are mostly uneducated about EDs (as most people are) and assume someone has to be a stick figure to "count." (NOT true.)
And I also didn't mean to imply that it should be expected everyone in recovery is underweight. Just that it shouldn't be surprising, I guess. Thank you for commenting to make sure that point was clarified!
i don't think your blog is triggering at all, and i really don't think you have anything to worry about in regards to your posts. you are honest, but you are not even close to being honest to the point of triggering, at least in my opinion. i'm glad you're willing to ask us and address this, but in my opinion you have nothing to worry about. keep going!
C, I have not found your blog triggering (and I've been reading for many years!) There are others out there that I just can't read or recommend to others with a clean conscience and yours isn't one of those. That being said, sometimes I do wonder (like Laura said) if you are actually willing to put in the effort that is needed to get yourself to a full recovery. That probably sounds super harsh and I hope that you don't hear it as coming from a mean place because I shudder to think that it might offend you BUT you are asking for honesty here.
I agree with Laura that you are 100% capable of a full recovery. Look at everything else you've accomplished in your life--it seems like whatever you fully put your mind to, you can achieve!! You are such an accomplished, beautiful, tenacious, and intelligent person and the world is so lucky to have you as a part of it. That's why it astounds me sometimes that you are willing to settle for staying a little underweight and being trapped by an oppressive, unwanted, unpleasant exercise regime.
You said "it is not surprising that a person in recovery from an eating disorder is probably at least a bit under the average for weight." I do find this surprising from you because it feels like an excuse. I look at you and I see a person who demands the best from herself, who achieves so much in other arenas of her life, yet who is willing to believe this lie and settle for "average" or "meeting expectations" instead of "demanding a full, rich, and healthy life for herself, no excuses" in the area that is the most important. There are many different conceptualizations of recovery and many ways to get there but they all share full weight restoration and freedom from disordered behavior patterns in common so I just don't understand how you (a scientist...and a go-getter!) can sort of sweep these things under the rug and tell yourself that you'll get to it at some point.
I know this is all very difficult and that you try every day. I just wish sometimes that you would cast a wider vision for yourself and refuse to allow yourself excuses for why you don't need to change these things today. This problem will eventually derail and potentially destroy you and the life you want, and that's why I am speaking up. You always sound so thrilled when you have a weekend or outing with no ED and that could be your entire life! I love you and want the best for you and hope that you hear everything I just said in love.
Thanks Sarah, I do honestly appreciate that. I'm glad you highlighted another mistake I made. I should have said it's not surprising for someone *in the process of recovery* rather than *in recovery*, because the latter implies more of a static, completed state, or could at least. I don't by any means think that I'm done with recovery and do want to take it farther-I know that I have to, really, for any kind of long-term success in life as a whole.
And yes I think complacency is one of the things that scares me the most.
Always appreciate your honesty. And thanks also to Brie, Laura, and Lisa for the supportive comments as well. You ladies are seriously the best.
Whew...I'm glad you heard that in love. Thank you for being so cool!
Not triggering from my point of view :)
I haven't read all the comments or anything. I don't find what you write to be triggering but I do think that any person who is in the grips of an ed will find anyone writing about an ed triggering at some stage, I think it's inevitable. So simply because someone might find something triggering doesn't mean it is. From the comments I glanced over as it was you found that its hard to work around all the issues that come with eating disorders, but I know that authors of books on ed's have found these same problems.
So I think that you do a good job on demonstrating the reality of life in general and life with an ed and that is it just PART of who you are. I don't think you're triggering, but that might just be the way I read blogs of any person I know has an ed. I think its great that you're careful about what you write and try to be a positive advocate for recovery!
xo
I have to be honest and say that while I don't find your blog triggering at all, I do kind of find it frustrating at times, only because I project my own situation onto things. As you know, I'm an overexerciser, so reading about what you do sparks that part of me that wants to do it, too. Even though you say you're moderate with things and that you don't restrict, sometimes I wonder how true that is.
Now I don't think you're lying in any way, shape or form, but I know that I tend to rationalize and justify the things I do. Yes, it might be a "normal" amount for someone else, but for me--someone who is trying to recover from an addiction and restore all the weight--it's too much. When there's that addictive component--one I know you also have--ANY exercise is too much.
Again, I'm projecting, but I just wanted to weigh in because I know we have similar situations. Like others said, it's like you're dipping your toe in and taking baby steps, but we all want to see you leap over that hurdle, to throw away the chains that bind you to exercise for justification of worth, anxiety reduction or food. I'm hypocritical, but that's just me from the outside looking in ;)
Post a Comment