So I had an interesting exchange with my madre this morning. As I've mentioned before, she's in law school right now, and she told me she had to present a case the other day that she had a "very hard time with." Being the considerate listener that I am, I asked her what the case was about....and it turned out it was about a man who was convicted of negligent homicide when his 15 year-old son died of anorexia.
The basic story is that the man (employed by the U.S. Army, this comes in later) was divorced and his ex-wife had custody of the son. When the boy was 15, he came to stay with his dad and his dad's new wife, after years of estrangement. The mother had not warned the father about the eating disorder (this was the late 80's, and the kid was male, so there's a chance it hadn't even been diagnosed as such). The boy digressed while he was with the father, lost a third of his bodyweight (which was unhealthily low to begin with). The father took him to a doctor and tried to implement the doctor's suggestions for dealing with it at home, but the boy was totally uncooperative and "physically confrontational" when his dad tried to get him to eat or go to a counselor. He lied about food consumption, did whatever he could to conceal his weight loss, etc.. The boy lost about 40 pounds in three months, and went home to the mom.
When she saw the state her son was in, she called and made an appointment for him to be seen by a doctor the next day...but the boy died that night.
And eventually charges were brought against the father for the death in United States versus Robertson, and the father (Robertson) was convicted of involuntary manslaughter for allowing the boy to starve under his care. He later turned to the Military Court of Appeals, and the conviction was reduced to negligent homicide.
Just fyi, the definition of "negligent homicide" is that a death was allowed to happen when someone failed to prevent it despite an implicit obligation. It's most often used when people make dumb mistakes with vehicles and end up killing passengers or passersby.
I could immediately see why my mom had a hard time with this case, and I tend to agree with her. When I was 13 (and again when I was 15, and 16, and 17, etc), I also basically got myself out of treatment by being a royally uncooperative brat, behaving pretty much exactly as is reported for the boy in this case. In retrospect, at my rock bottom I should have not only been in counseling but also hospitalized.
What if I had been just a little bit less lucky, and my heart had decided not to keep plugging painfully along one night, and boom, could my mom have faced a charge like this, even though she was aware of the issue, had taken me to doctors, had begged and pleaded and cried about the issue every day? Or my dad, who happens to be in the military like the defendant in this case. Or what if my biological dad, who never passes up an opportunity to terrorize my mom (years after their divorce, he used her social security number to rack up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card charges, just as one example) had brought charges against her out of spite for not making him aware of my disorder, as if he would have been able to magically fix everything if he'd only known.
It breaks my heart to think about it.
I have mentioned on this blog, multiple times, that I do wish my parents had pushed me harder, had been less easy to steamroll, had really kicked my bony ass when it came to being serious about beating the ED. And that's true. But I also have and do acknowledge that I made it extremely difficult on them, and I don't know that I could have done much better if the situation was reversed. And I would never, never put the blame on them for causing or exacerbating the issue, and wouldn't in my wildest dreams consider them to have been "homicidal" in their actions (or lack of action), as implied by the ruling in this case.
Both involuntary manslaughter and negligent homicide are most often used in vehicular accidents, when people make dumb mistakes driving and end up killing passengers or passersby, without malicious intent. I don't see this most common usage as applicable to losing a child to an eating disorder, though, especially when there is a record of taking the child to doctors, because it's not like he just averted his eyes for a second and boom, the kid had starved to death like a hummingbird or something. He obviously made an effort and had a lot of mental and emotional turmoil over the issue. I live with two teenage boys right now, and good god, try getting one of them to do something he doesn't feel like, even outside the terror and anxiety that motivates ED obsessions.
Okay, that is my verbal vomit on the issue. I am really interested to hear other opinions about it, though. What do you think, from your experiences with your parents or as a parent? What is your reaction to the ruling, do you think there's any merit, any commentary on why no charges were brought against the mother, who had been his primary caretaker for years? (Not that I think there should have been, just curious that the dad took the burden of the legal charges). Penny for your thoughts?
9 comments:
I do find it pretty sad - it's not as if the father did nothing. To me it perpetuates the myth that families cause eds and that those who suffer just need to chose to get better. And I don't understand how the father is responsible but the mother is not in this case.
But on a tangential note, it's lovely to read of what sounds like real openness in your relationship with your mum. While you can't change what has happened in the past, the future is up for grabs - do you think your mum could be a real ally now in kicking the Ed once and for all? Could you be open with her that while you are doing much better in eating your meal plan, that it is not enough given the amount of exercise you do, but that it is a real struggle to either eat more or exercise less? Could she provide distraction to help you curb the exercise?
Just thought it was worth throwing it out there. Hope that the move back to university town is great for many reasons and progress is made.
Moral ambiguity is my favorite. As M said, it's one thing if the dad doesn't do anything, period. But where's the line? And, especially, where's the line when one of the parties is a teenager? Or when the insurance and the credit lines all run dry? And all of the many things that can go wrong even when you do everything right?
Fascinating/scary things to think about.
Difficult case indeed. In some ways, it doesn't surprise me as we tend to be a nation of suing and blaming. But still, it seems this father did try to get help for his son. This is a reminder of how insidious Eds can be.
I wonder if this had happened in this decade if there would have been a difference as more knowledge is present.
These cases always remind me of Jodi Picoult novels!
Great post! Ok, I'll respond as neither a parent nor individual with an ED,but as a practitioner.
First, so much grey area we don't know about (and admittedly I read this quickly). The biggest issue is what you do when the 15 yr old resists. Moving to a higher level of care such as a hospitalization might be indicated. And while that doesn't cure the ED, it may help with medically stabilizing the boy and helping his thoughts, and evaluating for meds that may/may not be helpful. If dad and mom fell short of that, they are at fault. If they put it on the not-clear-thinking 15 (or 25 or 35) yr old, they are still at fault, in my opinion.
But I also question the responsibility of the MD. At some point, if the family was in regular contact, they should have been urged to get more treatment. Where was the doctor?
Ok, got to see my next ED pt!
For some reason my mind skipped immediately to insurance companies. If this guy can be charged with negligent homicide, what about cases where ED patients have died after being denied adequate (IP) treatment by their insurance? I have heard so many stories of parents losing children while in the appeals proccess; patients who just couldnt hang on long enough while waiting for their insurance to make a decision. It seems to me that insurance companies should be held accountable in the death of a patient who was denied treatment.
How sad :( I might not complain if this legal argument could be used to prevent treatment providers from giving up on patients or labelling them as chronic, but blaming the father for his son's death seems extreme when he had actually taken him to a doctor. I'm glad my parents weren't put in that dreadful position.
(I sent that package to you yesterday by the way :) finally!)
I think it must be really tough for your mum to deal with this "case", but it obviously gave you both some stuff for interesting (although heartbreaking) thoughts.
When I was hospitalized for the first time, the most scary thing was when some really awkward social worker sreamed at my mum howcould she "let" me starve to that weight. I can't forget this scene and how painful it was for me and for mum:( For me there are 2 questions/thoughts:
1. Should the "neglect" problem be just about parents? what about teachers, pediatricians, school nurse...(parents are often in same pain and DENIAL and false hope as their suffering kids and therefore somehow "unobjective")
2. I wonder what would happen if the boy survived and suffered with chronic anorexia and its onsequences. Probably nothing. But the so called neglect would be in my opinion same. The line between surviving and not surviving is sometimes so fucking thin and "quantify" the seriousness of anorexia is really tough (if not impossible) --> quantifying the parents care/neglect goes with it hand in hand.
Thanks for interesting stuff (AS ALWAYS) and sorry for my unskilful ramblings.
No way do I think that is a fair charge. The mom showed the most negligence.
The only time I think a parent ios responsible is if the child is begging or asking for help and the parent disregards it.
*shudder* sheesh, that would be hoorible. I have never heard of that happening but I am sure someone out there right now is going through that.
There was nothing my parents could have done to help me when I was going through my problems as a teenager. They did their best, but I would put my food down the drain when they weren't looking because I would wear them down by nibbling on a half dozen raisin over an hour period.
It's like any other addict, you can't blame the people around them. They're going to find a way to use if they want to.
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