So my Netflix indulgence yesterday was 'Love and Other Drugs', with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal (swoon). I expected it to be kind of a light romantic comedy (which I don't even usually watch, just wanted something to unwind with), and in some ways it was, but some parts of it hit me a lot deeper than others.
The basic gist of the story, without giving anything away, is that Anne Hathaway's character has early onset Parkinson's disease, and she and Gyllenhaal's character, a prescription drug salesman, meet at a doctor's office, are mean to each other at first, then become "just" bed buddies and then fall in love. Standard kitschy movie stuff, I know.
But one of the deeper currents it hits is the role of her disease in their relationship. She is really worried that it makes her unlovable, or at least undeserving of his love/attention when there are so many other, healthy women out there that are eager to throw themselves at him. I won't give away details of the plot, but this worry manifests itself in some challenging ways.
Obviously, an eating disorder is much different than Parkinson's, I'm not at all trying to say one experience is equivalent to the other. But still, that issue of feeling like there's something wrong or damaged about you, and knowing it will affect your relationship, is applicable to a lot of illnesses, including EDs. The movie struck a chord with me, to a much greater degree than expected.
So in a big coincidence, today Match initiated a painful conversation about how my ED affects "us." And even though he was not being mean or accusatory and emphasized he doesn't want to even think about letting it end things, it hit straight to the core of a lot of fears and doubts I've had myself. I know it has to be frustrating to be around someone that has rigid preferences for meal times/types, someone that gets anxious and irritable if we don't get enough activity/exercise in on a given day, someone that totally shuts down if you touch their stomach while you're cuddling, someone that does self-destructive things day in and day out.
I get that that has to be challenging, when there are so many other carefree and less complicated women out there, which is why I still have a hard time fathoming that I've found someone that knows about all my issues and still wants to be in a serious relationship with me. It makes it hard for me to be optimistic about the future. What happens when we're living closer to one another again? We lived a mile away from another in the first half of our relationship, but our relationship has progressed since then, so there would probably be more pressure for time commitments. Or what if it ever got to a question of whether to live together, which may very well happen if we go to the same school for our PhDs? What if he just wants someone that will share a pizza with him late at night, or will be up for random snack stops and celebratory desserts and things like that? What if he wants someone that will eat birthday cake if he buys one for her? (It would be bought, I know this man and Martha Stewart he is not, LOL). Most importantly, what happens when he realizes I'm not worth putting up with the bullshit?
The main things he was concerned about were just issues that affect how often and how we see each other and communicate, any constraints on how we interact. For example, even if our monthly visits weren't limited in duration by school/work schedules, I would have a hard time lasting more than a few days without my normal exercise routines, and during those times I don't have my normal food habits either. I'm not extremely body conscious around him, except that I really hate for him to touch my stomach. He's mostly compliant with that, but I know he doesn't like the constraint. He'd love to do webcam Skypes, but I don't like to because I'm self conscious about how I look (not that he doesn't know what I look like, but those cameras are super-unflattering and it makes me antsy). There are big chunks of the day when we can't talk/text because I'm doing some kind of workout.
Anyway, things like that. I really don't think he meant it to be an ominous discussion portending a relationship turning point thing, just something that had been on his mind. But it threw me for a serious loop, because of all the doubts I've had/do have on my own related to my doubts that I have any ability to let someone very close to me in the long term.
Not sure how coherent that explanation was. Anyway, really interested in your feedback on this one: In what ways has your ED affected your relationship(s), past or present, and how did you deal with it?
13 comments:
My ED obliterated my last relationship ... or at least played a huge part and has prevented me from entering another. I encourage you to keep the convo open with Match. He seems amazing.
wow, what an amazing guy.
my first reaction was that you will be able to share a pizza one day. and if you're not particularly hungry, you'll have one slice. healing/recovery is absolutely possible.
my second reaction is... well, it comes from dealing with a very uncomfortable work situation which is really far from my comfort zone, including in areas of food.
life has discomfort. maybe you're not ready now, but i know you will be able to be uncomfortable and eat out of your comfort zone some times. who knows when that will be, but it will happen -- i feel really sure.
in the mean time, keep talking to this understanding man. there's so much more to life than food. do all those other things joyously and often. and food can follow, when you're ready.
It is very much a challenge for me right now-- not really harming anything in the relationship, but I KNOW he would love it if we did things like going out to eat or spontaneously make brownies. I feel horrible about it a lot. He's extremely understanding, though, and doesn't make me feel like a weirdo or even "different."
Now, in high school and once in college, potential relationships did not work out because of my ED. And it's interesting to look back now and realize that the ED, even though it might not have been THE reason other relationships didn't work out, was controlling the way I thought about myself and I had no sense of assertiveness. I just kind of did whatever wouldn't rock the boat. For me that was very much ED-related.
I've been on both sides of this problem. My last long term boyfriend and I broke up because of our mutual mental health issues, but the deciding factor was that I was becoming far more interested in hanging out with my anorexia than with him. I split up with him in the end, because I didn't think it was fair on him, and I honestly felt like I was "choosing" my ED over him, which made me feel...actually no it didn't make me feel anything, because I was numb. Gah. I don't judge myself for it now (altered brain function and all that), but it was a sucky end to a four year relationship.
In my current relationship (*looks around to see if anyone I know is likely to read this*)...my boyfriend has an ED, depression and insomnia, and his self destructive behaviours mean that we go through long periods of time when he is too tired to meet up with me as planned. He is overweight and his health affects what we can do. I don't blame him for any of this (again, because mental health problems are not a matter of choice!), but I do sometimes get frustrated and try to ask him to take more responsibility for the things he CAN change. It's a full time job trying to separate him from his illnesses to minimise the number of times that I accidentally say something unhelpful in a temper or through resentment. When he's having a good day things are brilliant, and we never argue about anything other than his insomnia and my anxious reactions to it. I do my best to keep those arguments to a minimum but I'm not perfect :/
Like the previous commenter, Match sounds amazing :) and I don't think it's a matter of him putting up with you or whatever. I wouldn't stay with my boyfriend if I didn't see so many aspects to his personality to love which had nothing to do with MH issues, and ditto for him with me. No one and no relationship is perfect, most people have some sort of bad habit, poor social skill or problem which makes interacting with other people less than straight forward.
Also, none of this what if-ing ;) because recovery is most definitely possible, and who says you won't be able to eat the pizza with Match? Do you want to be able to? I know (I'm like a broken record) EDs are not choices, but there are things you can do to head in the pizza direction...
Longest comment ever, sorry! I hope it wasn't all rubbish ;)
I just posted (er, tried to post) a ridiculously long comment, which Blogger ate. The gist of it was that while your recovery should ultimately be for you, there's nothing wrong with having someone else be an initial motivation... I mean, yes, it's scary, but a lot of awesome things in life start out that way.
And if a guy as amazing as Match seems to be thinks that you're worth it, why shouldn't you think so, too??
<3 <3
I have an absolutely wonderful husband who I always joke is oblivious to my Ed - I know in reality he's not but we don't talk about it. The other night I woke up to him crying at the thought of losing me... It broke my heart! Did it alter my day yesterday? Nope... That's how this rotten Ed affects my relationship
Bottom line, until you're happy with yourself, you can't be completely happy in a relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Depending on anyone for validation or reassurance is not a great idea, and I know that at times, I ended up doing things and looking for things from other people that I wasn't giving myself.
I'm not saying that's you at all--I'm sure it's the opposite--but of course any mental thing is going to drive a stake through relationships.
But to be honest, it's not just romantic relationships at all, so don't think I'm singling that out ;)
Eating disorders--or any kind of disease--complicate ALL relationships. It can be with your family, friends, work, etc. and make it hard to function "normally" and be completely present in whatever relationship you're in.
Match sounds super cool and understanding and I agree that if he's a strong support, hold onto him with talons (just don't depend on it for recovery.) Do it for you, but also for every relationship you deserve to enjoy--including the one with yourself ;)
I don't have practically any relevant relationship experience so that I am the last who can say something, but in my opinion the hard part for partners of people with EDs isn't that we won't eat x slices of pizza or y pieces of birthday cake (and here I don't want to say that you or enyone else won't do it, just that not everybody notices these things and gives them the highest priority) or exercise x hours a week. The hard part is watching loved ones struggling, being uncomfortable or selfharming.
Match seems to be so nice and wise and he wants to be happy and comfortable.
So I think as long as you are open and have positive attitude to recovery and some changes in your life, he will support you and love you even more for your braveness.
He wants make you happy and he wants you to allow him to make you happy. So allow him - you deserve it so much and even more!:)
But again- this is just my opinion based only on one quite long and not very standard relationship. xx Ola
My eating disorder did put a lot of pressure on my last relationship, but ultimately that was just one of many reasons why it ended. The main problem was that I moved away, and neither of us were really willing/able to make the extra effort to communicate enough on a daily basis, or to visit regularly. It sounds like you and Match do much better on that score. :)
Being further apart actually made my eating disorder more of a problem, I think: when we were close, it was easy to fit seeing him around my usual exercise and food regime (admittedly, I’m a student so work commitments were pretty flexible too), whereas when we lived apart we saw each other for such brief bursts that the fact I still needed to waste some of that time on exercise became a problem.
I can totally relate to your worries about Match wanting someone less complicated because I used to worry about that a lot. Match obviously sees past the eating disorder to all the other good things about you- that’s why he’s with you. I think that healthy people probably don’t worry nearly so much about things like late-night pizza as people with eating disorders: they might enjoy those things, but it’s not especially important and certainly not a deal breaker! And, as other people have already mentioned, one day you might (hopefully!) be able to enjoy those things. :)
Keep fighting, and I hope it all works out in the end!
Wow, your guy sounds very patient and it seems like he's trying really hard to understand.
My (now husband) and I started dating 4 years ago. After about a month of dating he asked me where I went every Monday morning. I told him I saw a therapist for anorexia and over exercising. I then went on to say I understood if he didn't want to date me any more. He responded with warmth and love.
He even began to go to therapy sessions with me once or twice a month so that he could learn how to help me.
I have come a long way in 4 years. I can contribute most of that success to my husband for having faith in me and helping me overcome so many of my fears.
I still have some struggles but they aren't anything like they were 4 years ago. We enjoy dinner together every night and have dessert on Sunday, and it's fun!
Good Luck!
I agree with Anonymous (the last commenter!) I think relationships can be a HUGE healing factor when someone is trying to overcome or deal with something--negative thinking, an eating disorder, a substance abuse issue, cancer, tobacco use. There is so much research supporting the effects of positive social support on behavioral change. I feel like a lot of times when you write about your relationship, you are really quick to say "but I'm independent!" or "but I don't depend on him!" I don't think anyone doubts that it's still up to you to take responsibility and make the healthy choices that you need to recover, but I also don't think you need to do it all on your own--not when someone else can be so helpful! I think Match is bringing your disorder up because he wants to stay in a relationship with you. He genuinely IS impacted by your illness and genuinely DOES want to help you so you're less impacted by the disorder, so it's natural and positive that he would want and need to talk with you about it instead of just breaking up with you.
My best piece of advice/encouragement would be to not let your disorder take over what could potentially be one of the greatest things in your life. I didn't love myself when I began recovering--I hated myself and thought I was unlovable/unworthy/everything you described here. But I had to choose every day to recover out of respect and love for the people I cared about. I knew that it hurt them to see me in pain, and I wanted to avoid hurting them. Subconsciously, I also thought that maybe if I stuck around I might be able to meet the girl they loved...someday. Guess what? I am finally getting to know her, and I'm starting to see why they cared and stuck around--I'm pretty cool, actually--and I credit the people in my life with giving me the will to pull myself out of that dark place and into the beautiful life I'm living now.
I hope you are able to grasp onto the love you have for others and use it to help you recover. You are so much more than an illness and you deserve so much more than what an illness has to offer, but you have to make the choice to see and work towards that.
I had some pretty rubbish relationships with people who didnt understand my ED, but looking back it was them that were the problems.
Because now im engaged to a guy who has helped me so much in my recovery process. I met him while I was on the path to recovery so he was like that extra push and motivation i needed. I've been open with him about my past and my illness, but I don't let my illness become a part of our relationship.
And like someone said before, if you keep working on getting yourself back to full health, some day you will be able to share random snacks, or birthday cake with him. It might still cause some anxiety, but your relationship will give you the much needed strength to overcome the obstacles. He sounds like a very supportive guy, so I wouldn't doubt or question whether hes going to stay with you. Just as you want him to have faith in you, you must have the same faith in him and what he tells you.
:)
Holey moley - what a post! I could write a novel on this subject. This: "But still, that issue of feeling like there's something wrong or damaged about you, and knowing it will affect your relationship, is applicable to a lot of illnesses, including EDs." is so true. As for me, I see myself as fundamentally flawed which in the past has led me to seek out some seriously damaged people for relationships. Thankfully my husband is sane and kind and not abusive (always a plus!) but we've had many a talk just like this one. Sounds like you've found a great guy!
Post a Comment