I haven't cut calories or added exercise, but I have been constantly ravenous. Seriously, I was uncomfortably hungry just 10 minutes after finishing a ginormous lunch today. And I've been good about including fat and protein at every meal, being a good girl and doing everything I'm "supposed" to even though I am convinced I'm growing a double chin. I am getting more than a little frustrated that I spend much more time hungry now than I did when I was restricting.
It appears that I'm going through some kind of hypermetabolic stage, because my weight has edged downwards also. Obviously, the logical solution to the problem of hunger + weight loss is to EAT. I have been following my meal plan, but I am still in the stage where I am just following the formula, and am not brave enough to allow myself to deviate from it in an adaptive manner. I'm actually reading a book on Intuitive Eating right now, but it still seems very alien to me. H. and I talked about this at my session this week, and according to her this is because I'm still having trouble trusting my body. If I am still hungry after eating a huge lunch, technically I should eat something, but if I get in the habit of eating after eating, then when does it ever end? If I am constantly this hungry, and if I eat whenever I am hungry, then I'll constantly eat, and then I will balloon to physical proportions way beyond what my tenous psyche can handle. My satiety meter is still pretty much broken. I measure out what I am "supposed" to eat and eat until it's gone, and that's when I know when I'm done. Check that meal of the list of chores for the day and move on, repeat in about four hours. Except apparently my body doesn't trust me anymore than I trust it, and we appear to be at a bit of a standoff, circling each other with mutual suspicion. This very simple aspect of life is ridiculously complex, and I hate having to think about it.
Another thing, after over nine years of ED-dom, I have pretty much decoupled hunger from appetite. I can be light-headed, hypoglycemic, with a stomach growling and gnawing away, and will still spend 30 minutes in front of my fridge deciding what to eat because I really don't want anything.
It's not that I am afraid of the calories, I know I have to and will eat X, but it's just difficult to pick out what to have when nothing really seems appealing. The whole "foodie" phenomenon is something I still can't wrap my brain around. This is not my anorexic voice scoffing at indulgence in food as a sign of weakness, not at all. I am not trying to say anything negative about Foodies, I just don't get it. I guess it's like that with any hobby or interest: some people really get worked up about their bottlecap collections, their bowling games, their pet parrots, etc, other people don't understand why it's worth that much attention and effort.
That's not to say that I "don't like" food. I definitely have foods that I like, and some that I don't. I love peanut butter, ice cream, artichokes, bulgogi, and pistachios, among other things. I don't like alfredo, ham, Skittles, or apple pie. But even though I think peanut butter ice cream tastes great, I don't get that worked up about eating it, even when it's part of my "allowed" calories and thus not a source of guilt. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right, or if I'm not explaining at all and am just rambling now.
I'm hungry, have been since I finished lunch five hours ago, but now it's actually the designated Feeding Time, so I'm going to go.
7 comments:
I definitely know what you mean about not trusting your body and it not trusting you. It makes things quite complicating when you have to work together all the time. Hang in there. Also, what do you mean by "Foodie?"
You're right, I should have clarified, Foodie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foodieand http://www.slashfood.com/2006/02/10/what-is-a-foodie-anyway/
I think people usually self-identify as Foodies, it's sort of a humorous term, not really a label you put on someone else. If anyone can explain it better than me please chime in!
I think "foodies" are kind of a humorous term, too. Sometimes I have foodie moments, like when my boyfriend and I cook something or go out to dinner. I like to think of those "foodie" moments as times to learn about different foods, cultures, and learning a new technique.
I had to google "bulgogi." It sounds like something my boyfriend would absolutely love.
I hate those moments when you stare at the fridge and absolutely nothing is appealing. I've had so many of those moments, it's not even worth counting anymore.
I think right now you're going through what I'd call "growing pains" of sorts. You're learning, trying to adjust, figure out your new alien body. It's never an easy thing and one that you just have to try to continue to trust that your body really does know what it is doing. It's evolution, m'dear ya know?
Funny you should mention bulgogi, because I just bought some korean barbecue sauce today--not for bulgogi though--fish, tofu, etc.
Oh man, I totally get that - I was having a very similar experience a week ago where I was really hungry (and binging/purging more, which I do when I'm really hungry) despite eating pretty much my full meal plan. I was sort of relieved to find out I was losing weight - it allowed me to accept that my body actually needs, for the moment at least, more calories than it was getting.
However, I had the exact same experience where I just couldn't add anything to my mealplan myself - I wanted to, but I couldn't. So I sort of told my nutritionist what was going on, and she bumped up the plan (sort of significantly, I've been mostly following it), and I've been maintaining my current weight and feeling a lot better for the last two weeks or so.
Any chance you could have your nutritionist increase your plan? If you start gaining too quickly, you can always reduce it. I know it's not that simple - just eat more - so, so, well, but maybe if someone you trust (ie, whoever gave you the current meal plan) can take responsibility for deciding that it's time to give you a different plan to follow.
I, too, find structure in eating helpful, and a visit to the nutritionist is definitely in order.
This is a scary thing to have happen, but it's a sign that your body is healing.
thank you for the foodie clarification!!
Post a Comment