Stressful Week, Awesome Day

This is an hellaciously stressful week (three papers, final exam, three presentations, grant application, etc all due), but today was actually an exceptionally good day. I just was feeling so positive and excited that I wanted to share, since y'all put up with so much of my whining and venting about bad days.

--Had a final exam with a super unfair professor, but I felt like I did well with all the questions. No idea how he will grade it, but I did absolutely as well as I could have, and didn't feel like anything caught me off guard. And am now DONE with that class!!!

--After a chilly weekend, it was sunny and 72 degrees. Maybe this seems trivial, but my mood is hugely affected by weather, especially during the winter when days are so short.

--Got to teach my adviser's -ology class for him. I taught at my undergrad university, but it was labs with short (15 minutish) intro lectures that had the material already outlined. This was a full 50 minute lecture that I had to do from scratch. It ate up most of my time over Thanksgiving break, but I think it went really well!!! The class was responsive and engaged, and my professor was complimentary and said he wants to make a habit of using me from now on.

I really, really love how I feel when I am teaching. It's like for that class period, just temporarily, I become the person that I really want to be. I'm very passionate about my area of research, and I want to make other people to see why it's so worthwhile, so I really try to convey its awesomeness to the fullest extent that I can. It's hard to explain, but it really puts me on Cloud 9, and I love interacting with students. Granted, at this stage they're only a couple of years younger than me, but that doesn't really intimidate me, and I'm very comfortable with public speaking.

So, good news, I am feeling very happy this evening, enough of an outlier on the Cammy Mood-o-meter that I thought it warranted a mention. Still lots of things left to do and stress over, but that's part of this time of semester. ED-wise I have actually done very poorly today, but I am hoping that the mood-boosters I got will help me get a better grip on that for the rest of the week.

Also, I now have a "Cammy" account on Twitter, so e-mail or add me if you're on there as well!

Give and Receive

First of all, I hope everyone had a fantabulous Thanksgiving! Again, this blog community was definitely on my list of things to be thankful for this year.

Yesterday felt like a big victory for me, I actually did Thanksgiving way better than I expected. Definitely the best one I have had...since I can remember, really.

I actually spent a large part of the day just working. I'm unbelievably swamped in end-of-semester-hellacraziness right now (3 papers, 3 presentations, a grant deadline and a huge exam all concentrated into Monday and Tuesday of next week). So I didn't make the 5 hour drive home to spend the holiday with my family. Match invited me to come on the 1 hour trip with him to eat with his family, my professor invited me to his house with some other guests, and a group of other grad students were having a get-together, so there were various options. I chose to go to the grad student one, because 1) it wasn't until 6, giving me the day to work, 2) it was closest, minimizing time on the road, 3) I am trying not to fall into the trap of letting Match be my entire social net in my new town.

So, fairly average day, normal breakfast and lunch. The one non-victory was that did not do my exercise-cutting goals, I was too busy thinking about my work and the upcoming evening to feel like spending mental energy on dealing with that. But exercise did not INCREASE from baseline to "make up" for calories I had not eaten yet (and probably would not eat at all, in the end), as I have done on innumerable holidays in the past.

I wasn't nervous at all until about an hour before I had to leave, when the usual panic about leaving comfort of evening routine set in. It wasn't so much anxiety over going to the Thanksgiving dinner, it was anxiety about not staying home. Does that make sense? In other words, not doing normal routine is more prominent in the stressage than actually going to the party. I'm not shy, I'm just pathologically attached to routines. I'm not worried that I'm going to overeat--if there is anything I am confident in, it is my ability to limit calories when I want to. It's not that I'm worried about not knowing what food would be available, because I knew ahead of time who was bringing what to the dinner (we had sign-ups).

But stepping out of the normal comfort zone and breaking routine is like being a deer in the path of semi-truck headlights, for reasons I still really don't understand.

And I had just suffered through trying on outfits I haven't worn since last holiday season, to find that a few favorites are just a smidge too snug now. GREAT. In a nutshell, major stress. Huge temptation to just back out. Wondering why I even try to be a real human doing real human things.

But I just rode it out. I had another session with my new dietitian (who I like more and more with every visit) last week, and we talked about just taking it for granted that my anxiety would shoot up in situations like this, but that it will indeed come down. She emphasized that using ED behaviors to deal with stress is really not appeasing the anxiety, it's appeasing the ED, which lets the disease win.

So I called my grandparents to chat while driving over to the friend's house, to distract myself and remind myself of more important things than ED urges.

I got there at 6, turkey was supposed to be ready at 7. I was still fully considering just picking at food, then leaving by around 8 to get home and have a latish but not devastatingly off-track dinner of my normal type. But there were delays in getting everything on the table, and we didn't even start eating til 7:45. My anxiety rose and rose until I finally realized it wasn't going to be feasible to leave early without seeming weird, and I just resigned myself to the fact that yes, now, you are going to do this and eat here. Now figure out what you'll eat and deal with it.

And then I was calm. I tried a little bit of a bunch of dishes and had decent portions of the main things. It is so rare for me to be in a situation where I don't know the calorie counts of foods, but I'm good at ballparking and was comfortable with what I hate. I did not restrict. I was full but not stuffed. I had no guilt afterwards. I met new people and had a good time talking, joking, etc without being distracted with worry about the food.

I was, dare I even suggest it, normal for a couple of hours? Gasp.

I ended up staying til around 9:30. Then, to cap off the novelty of the night, I called Match to see if he was home from his family's house, and if he was up for company. Note: Cammy does NOT do spontaneity. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am the least spur-of-the-moment person you will ever find. But I wanted to see Match, knew I was going to be busy for the next few days, and was already out and about and dressed nicely. So why not? So I went over to his place for a couple of hours, and had a great time.

I am not trying to toot my own horn here, but I was immeasurably proud of myself. Sitting in that house with the huge holiday meal, surrounded by other people, I ate what I wanted, felt fine about it, and enjoyed myself. It was a huge confidence-booster for me. Usually I am a spectacular failure at every opportunity to rise to a challenge and prove to myself that I can shed the ED, even temporarily. But last night I beat the hell out of the challenge.

And thus, on a day set aside for giving thanks, I also received hope.

On the Bandwagon

So, I am the 298347th person to do this, but I have been thinking quite a bit about what I have to be thankful for, and felt it would be helpful to write it out. I spend so many days just wrapped up in day-to-day stresses and pressures (many of which are self-created), and I know I don't look at the big picture frequently enough.

So, without further adieu, and in no particular order:

• I am thankful that my grandparents were healthy enough to make it to my graduation in May. They are two of the most important people to me, hands down. My mom and I lived with them for a few years after we ran away from my biological dad, and so we've always had a special bond. I have no idea who I would be if it had not been for their support, love, and wisdom throughout my life.

• I am thankful that my mom started back to law school this fall. She put that dream on hold for 15 years, so that she could put my dad's career first and invest more time in us kids, and I'm glad she is doing this for herself now.

• I am thankful that I have a boyfriend that accepts me for who I am, "issues" included, and treats me incredibly well. We seem to be on the same page about our pacing, etc, and I'm extremely comfortable with him. I am thankful that he makes me laugh so many times a day. I am thankful that, for some reason I cannot fathom, he seems to care about me a lot, and while I don't understand it at all, it's nice. :)

• I am thankful that my bone density has improved over the last 18 months.

• I am thankful for my friend J. I haven't mentioned him much on here lately, I don't think. We live about 7 hours apart now, but are in touch via text/email/FB daily. He has been the most amazing source of support while I have gotten settled in here, I truly don't deserve a friend like him.

• I'm thankful that I have found a therapist that is willing to go to bat for me. I am thankful that she knows that I need pushed, and isn't shy about doing it

• I am thankful that my Dad has a stable job.

• I am thankful for my dog, who could not be a better fit for me if I'd ordered him out of a catalog. Woot for pound puppies!

• I am thankful for my major professor, who is a great mentor and is putting considerable time, money, and effort into helping me get my thesis project up and running.

• I am thankful that I live in a country in which I am able to pursue an education and career of my choosing.

• I am thankful for white-chocolate coconut peanut butter, and coffee, and cinnamon raisin bread.

• I am thankful for my ultra-warm down jacket, that keeps me comfortable even on frosty mornings walking G.

• I am thankful that my baby brothers are growing into such fine young men.

• I am thankful for the treefrogs that live on my front porch, and never fail to make me smile.

• I am thankful that I am the most physically healthy that I have been in years, and that my brain and body seem to be able to forgive me for the years of abuse. Slowly but surely. Still have a road ahead, but trying to learn from each mistake.

• I am thankful for all of the people I have met through this blog, you are such an incredible group of people, I cannot express how much your comments mean to me, and how much I value reading your blogs as well. I am so thankful that this little blog community is so healthy and supportive, I have no idea what this recovery endeavor of mine would have been like without you all.

• I am thankful that I am thankful. I hope this makes sense: I don't think I was ungrateful for things before, but for so many years, holidays were just a time of increased stress and anxiety, and I rarely took time to reflect on the meaning of the whole thing. I'm thankful that there is less of that noise in my mind now, so I can really appreciate the many positive aspects of my life. It's good to be reminded of what I'm fighting for.

Please take care, treat yourselves kindly tomorrow and every day. Happy Thanksgiving.

Update on the Quest for Therapy Coverage

So, I had a rough appointment with C. today. Rough in a raw beneficial kind of way, this lady is kicking my ass in a way that, deep down, I wish someone had done years ago. It is stressing me a good deal, making me think a lot, pushing me in a direction I know I *should* be moving. I have some major exercise challenges to try to accomplish this week, and am really unsure of how this will go. I told her that after the slippage at the conference last week, I'm starting to lose confidence that I will ever really be free of this. Her response: "That's odd. Because I'm actually gaining confidence in you each week." I don't know WHAT Cammy she is seeing, but I wish I could peer through her lenses once in a while. More on that stuff later.

The most important part of today's session: C. talked to Powers That Be at the clinic, and she convinced them that from now on I will only need to pay $20 per session! I am so happy! This means I can afford to pay for it on my own. My parents are super-strapped for money right now, so not having to ask them for something I know they can't afford is a huge relief. Awesome early Christmas present!

RecoverED Therapist

I always tend to assume that most professionals that treat EDs have some personal connection to the issue, whether they themselves experienced an eating disorder or were close to someone who did. I typically try to be careful about not stereotyping people or jumping to conclusions, but I will admit that this is one thing I usually just take for granted.

The new ED clinic that I have been going to (outpatient) in my new city is staffed entirely by women, most of them who look to be in their mid-30's or younger. So I will admit, I do tend to wonder about their histories. It honestly does not bother me, I would never think that someone wasn't qualified to treat EDs because of their own struggles (quite the opposite, actually). And I would expect and hope they are responsible enough--for the sake of themselves and others--to make sure they are stable and and are not going to be negatively affected by interacting with ED clients. So, no question of competency.

Still, I am incurably curious, it is an irrepressible part of my nature. So about 3 weeks ago, when C. and I were having a difficult session and I felt like I was having a hard time communicating what I was feeling, for some reason I just felt like seeing if I could push through that wall with her. So I just asked, simply, "Have you ever had an eating disorder?"

She didn't even hesitate. "I sure have."

Then she told me just a little bit about her history (nothing explicit, just basic X number of years, X years since recovery). I don't even know if she was anorexic or bulimic, I didn't ask; it didn't seem relevant.

For some reason, though, it immediately made me more comfortable with her. It takes quite a while for me to break down the walls I build and really connect with people, but I think this helped. Now remember, I had pretty much assumed she had at least some ED history all along. But for some reason the fact that she was willing to be candid with me made me feel much more connected.

Interestingly, she said her last recovery was 8 years ago, while she was in grad school, which means our EDness (I totally made that term up but hope you get what I mean) actually overlapped a bit, which is strange to think about. Although I would have been 15 and she would have been 26, so much different circumstances at the time.

I know that some people might think that knowing personal information about a therapist could be negative, could inspire competitive thoughts, etc. And in some cases, maybe it would. But somehow it made me almost instantly feel more comfortable being open with her. Also, it seemed to open another door in terms of the advice and insights she could offer, because now occasionally she will share something that she did/thought etc during her own recovery. Of course we don't talk all about her, and it's not brought up even once a session, but it seems like a good combination of me being more open to her suggestions and her being freer to talk about some insights, since she's not shielding her history anymore.

Also, I think it helps to have a positive role model. I have known people in Real Life with EDs, both in and out of recovery, and I have read/seen about fully recovered people (Jenni Schaefer, etc) in books/online/tv. But I have never really interacted with someone that was fully recovered before. I think sometimes one of my problems is not being able to envision what recovered life is like, and losing faith that it is actually possible. C. is so full of life, successful, happy, has a new baby and great husband, and basically represents many of the things the ED is holding me back from. It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

So, that being said, what are your thoughts/experiences with this? Have you ever talked to a therapist about their ED history? Ever had a bad experience with someone that was trying to treat patients while still struggling themselves? Anything else to say about it? I'm very interested in your comments.

Yet Another Post-Travel Lamentation

I know I have a lot to say about this past week, but I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts right now. In some ways the conference was great (professionally, intellectually, etc, very exciting). As far as behaving like a normal person with eating/exercise, not so much. I think maybe this experience has been an eye-opener for me on things I really do still need to work on.

Good: After the first day, my anxiety was much less, which was good because I could actually focus on the material, etc. Bad: The shadow to that, however, is the reason my anxiety was less. I basically fell into a "comfortable" pattern of restricting. I managed to get about half my normal exercise time in (fortunately my roommate went out every evening, giving me time to myself at the hotel), but overcompensated with calorie-cutting, and once I was in that mode I seemed to settle down. It was like once I proved to myself that "yes, you can indeed restrict, this is easy for you and you won't gain weight," I was much better. I know that is NOT healthy in any way, shape, or form and of course am not advocating starvation as a method to control anxiety. It sucks, makes you disconnected, ruins the point of trying to do fun things, etc. Please don't see this as a pro-post, because any ostensible "benefits" are definitely short term. Smoking cigarettes eases anxiety too, after all. I guess I'm just processing through why I seem to slip back into it so easily. Obviously, if it did not "work" for me in some way, however disordered and counterproductive in the long run, I would not have been stuck in this cycle for 10 years now.

I had my first appointment with a new dietitian last week, so this week I was supposed to be keeping a food log. I guess I am a little strange, because I count calories obsessively but focus on a budget for each meal, not so much on the entire day. And I count some fruits but not others. All of which goes to show that it does tend to be more about control and the ritual than anything else, in some ways. So anywho, because I eat the same cals for each meal each day it is simple arithmetic to get a daily total, but for some reason I rarely think about that. That background leads up to this: when I was doing some frenzied calculations to see what I had to do to "make up" for the missed exercise, I realized that if I subtract my calories expended every day from my total intake, what is left is lower than my BMR. That is not healthy. And, frankly, it took me by surprise. I eat roughly the recommended amount for someone my age and height, so I tell myself I'm doing well, but that recommendation doesn't take extra exercise into account. I already knew my BMR, I can recite the formula from memory and do the math in my head. And of course I know how many cals I burn in exercise each day, I measure my workouts by expenditure rather than time/distance. But I had never really put two and two together (or, I guess, taken two from two).

Anyway, after four days of that mess, I am utterly drained and have had massive headache all day today. This is not functional, and I cannot afford not to be functional. More on this later. I am trying to treat this week as yet another instance of learning things the hard way, so I can do better next time. How many times have I told myself that?

I really wish I had some kind of "therapy on demand" service. We need an App for that! I really needed to talk to C. this week. The thing is, she has told me repeatedly that I can call/e-mail her if I ever need to, but I really am just afraid of seeming clingy and needy, so I never take her up on it. Especially now that my treatment options are up in the air, I don't want to risk becoming dependent on something like that if I'm going to have to stop seeing her next month.

I'm sorry this is not such an uplifting post, I'll try to have something more substantial soon.

EDIT

Ok I was worried the mention of subBMR intake could be triggering. I only leave it in to illustrate that even if you exercise like a maniac, an ED will lower your metabolism substantially until you quit the behaviors. Obviously if I was below my actual BMR all the time I wouldn't have been able to gain weight over the last year, although it does explain why I'm still underweight despite being at the highest cal intake I've had for a very long time. The take-home is that the standard BMR calculation (which is meant to be the energy it takes just for basic organ function and existence, no activity, not even digestion) is based on a normal healthy person, and an ED will change your system to alter your baseline, although it is indeed reversible. In a nutshell: it is not OK or healthy to have an intake below your standard BMR, even if your actual current BMR is lower due to restriction/exercise/being underweight. Unless, I suppose, you are some special case with doctor approval, but I can't conjure a feasible example of that off the top of my head. And really those calculations are just ballparks, you could very well have higher needs than what the standard formula will give you, every body is unique. Ok this disclaimer is going to be longer than the actual post if I don't cut off the rambling here.

Unfortunate Equation

Undercutting calories + anxiety + barista that failed to decaf my venti Americano = heart palps + insomnia = long night ahead

At least caffeine highs do tend to lift my mood a little (better living through chemistry), which creates an interesting hybrid feeling of crappy + cheerful.