Cohen on Caloric Restriction

Finally, a journalist that eschews all the hand-waving and awe over the "benefits" of caloric restriction and offers a more grounded perspective.

(No, not the same Cohen that I wrote about in my last post!)

How "Bruno" Offended Me

I saw "Bruno" the other day (wow! all I have to say is DO NOT TAKE YOUR MOTHER TO THIS MOVIE, several people in the theater with me had made that mistake). Doubtless everyone has heard about the movie right now, so I won't do a review of it. I saw Borat, and knew that Sasha Baron Cohen is extreme, but I was still surprised at the content of this movie, wow. I'm not a prude, I was mostly just taken aback at how much they were allowed to include while keeping the rating just at R instead of NC-17.

Yes, it is over-the-top and raunchy. But, considering my personal set of sensitivities, the issue that I kept fuming about afterwards was not homophobia, talking penises, or even poor victimized Ron Paul.

There is a scene in which "Bruno" holds an audition for baby models, and the camera follows his interviews with various parents as he gets them to agree to let their toddlers do a range of ridiculous things ranging from just plain silly to downright disturbing. (Doing high-speed chase scenes without a car seat, being exposed to creepy crawlies and fire, posing on a crucifix, etc etc) I can't believe those people actually agreed to be included in the film, for fear of Child Protective Services coming after them. Remember, these are not actors, they are real people that have no idea Bruno is a fictional character that is just pranking them.

The one that really got to me, though, was a gem of a mother who was happy to promise that her 30-pound child could lose 10 pounds in one week in order to qualify for a photo shoot. She agreed to those conditions with a smile on her face, no problem at all. This was not some obese 30-pound neonate (not that losing 1/3 of body weight would even be acceptable in any case that young, don't get me wrong), it was a healthy, beautiful, perfect little girl, probably around 3ish years old.

Really? Come on America, this just makes my heart cry.

EDIT: I didn't mean to imply that homophobia does not offend me, just that 1) I expected to see it in the movie, so it was no shock, and 2) As raunchy and crude as the movie is overall, the main theme is to expose homophobia, not endorse it.

On Brothers

Littlebro called me this morning to tell me about a book he just finished reading, and afterward I did some thinking about my relationship with my brothers. Just a couple of years ago, it probably wouldn't have occured to him to call me if his legs were on fire and I possessed the last jug of water on the planet. When I was 13 I started the ED dance, and essentially checked out of their lives. Before we had been like any siblings, involved in equal parts bickering and playing, conspiring against each other at times and being ultra-allies at others.

There have always been some underlying issues in my thinking about siblings. My mom and biological dad divorced when I was 2, my mom remarried when I was 4. I had a brand new dad (one that did not get drunk, did not hit people, did not kill family pets), and had this ideal image of a family with two parents and several siblings. When Brother actually arrived, I had major anxiety that all of the sudden my dad would lose all interest in me, now that he had a "real" child of his own. Of course, that didn't happen, and I fell just as in love with Brother as the rest of the family, while my position as Daddy's Girl was never threatened.

For pretty much all of my teenage years, though, I lived isolated from the family, both physically (I was the stereotypical teenager that was locked in her room virtually all the time) and emotionally/mentally. Then I moved out of the house to start college, and had pretty much zero relationship or contact with my brothers outside of mandatory visits home for holidays.

Over the 12-18 months, though, that has changed significantly. Part of it is probably due to the fact that the boys are growing up (Brother is 16, Littlebro is 13) and are a little easier to relate to as fellow human beings. But I have made an effort to reach out and make myself available to them to a much larger extent than I ever would have while I was still so incredibly entrenched in anorexia.

I was not really entitled to any reciprocation from them. I wouldn't blame them for writing me off just as easily as I wrote them off for so many years. But that hasn't been the case at all, and I am gradually developing genuinely close relationships with each of them. It is much more rewarding than I ever would have imagined. They impress and inspire me on a daily basis, and it gives me a major confidence boost when they come to me for girl advice, school advice, or parent advice; to vent, to share a joke or website, to ask a science question, or for any other reason, whether it be something profound or completely arbitrary. They have also been supportive in ways I never would have expected and never will deserve.

In a nutshell, so far one of my favorite benefits from recovery is rebuilding my connection with my brothers. I seem to have stepped out of myself just in time to watch my boys develop into amazing young men, and I never would have forgiven myself if I had completely missed out on that.

Slip SitRep

Yes, I am a born and bred Army brat, and I feel the need to do a a SitRep, "Situation Report," something my dad frequently demanded (and still does!) as I was growing up. Cut and dry, this is what this facet of the world is like at this moment in time. A SitRep can be anything from my status on the road during a trip to my thinking about pretty profound subjects. My dad's military nerdish way of checking in with me. And, due to my scientific training and general personality, I tend to think in terms of enumerated lists and indented bullet points, so this type of thought processing usually for me.

So, yesterday I laid out the basic facts of my recent slippage, and the incredible support and insight I recieved has led me to do a little more in-depth thinking about the situation. I spend so much of my day "just doing it," not giving myself the option of contemplation when it comes to ED behaviors. So, the Slip SitRep:

-I had a stomach virus last week, which was miserable but also allowed me to achieve that feeling of ethereal emptiness, feeling powerful for being so weak and still persisting, if that makes any sense at all. Major trigger. I wrote a research paper once about how periods of fasting or other involuntary calorie deficits can trigger endorphins and other biochemical processes that lead to restricting in people predisposed to EDs, and I know I am definitely susceptible to this.

-I have had a lot of upheavals/changes in my life over the past few months, and am anticipating more. Last month I went through an extremely "down" period, where I was depressed and overwhelmed. I managed to pull out of that after a while, but part of me wonders if slipping back into ED behaviors is what "helped" me to decrease my anxiety about other things.

-I am starting graduate school next month, and while I know that I was recruited for my brain, I still feel this urge to be the "whole package": not only intellectual, but trim and attractive and witty and sophisticated and fun. And on most days, I feel like I will never be ANY of those, but that weight is the one that is most easily manipulated. Thus, another way to use the ED as an outlet for anxiety.

-I am stressed out over mi madre's exercise and food stuff, and the fact that although she still seems pretty clueless about many intricacies of my ED, I also worry that her relationship to food and body is digressing into the unhealthy zone. Maybe I am just being paranoid? Probably a little of both? Thinking of her losing weight doesn't make me want to start losing also, don't get me wrong, but it does contribute to the overal cloud of stress.

-Even though I have lost weight over the past few weeks, I am still not as thin as I have been for most of my adult life, prior to starting therapy with H. This makes it hard for me to take "slips" seriously sometimes.

-Since my weight is not as low as it once was, I have noticed that I do bounce back much faster than I used to. Yesterday I resolved to do better, and ate very well, and even after one day I can tell a difference in my energy and mood stability.

-I think meat might be an issue related to the previous point. Over the past month or two I have drastically, drastically cut my meat consumption. This honestly was not by conscious decision, actually, it just happened as a correlate to the other changes I was making in my eating patterns. I used to eat meat (including fish) about 5x a week, and that declined to about once or twice a week. I know that there are many people that live most of their lives as vegetarians, and I think that's great, but I'm not sure if my system can handle that. I've noticed that I tend to drop weight when I decrease meat, even if calories remain constant, and even though I am good about my nuts, soy, dairy, and other protein sources. Maybe this has to do with the fact that meals containing meat usually have more sodium (at least for me, with the way I cook and construct menus), but I do think it's something more. Seems great, to the ED: eat the same calories and lose weight! But I also tend to feel really, really terrible and low energy when i do that. My exercise is still a huge issue, and working out X hours per day + protein deficiency is not a happy way to be. The meat thing is just a hypothesis that is a much smaller factor than is it would appear considering the proportion of this text that has turned out to be devoted to it. Ihope I am not offending any vegetarian readers.

-Dealing with the T. situation last month was a trigger, partly because of stress and partly because all of the sudden I was very aware of someone else being very aware of my body. Yikes.

-I am going to try the ED center in my new city, to see how that goes, and if it doesn't work out maybe I can ask H. for phone/e-mail support, at least on a trial basis.

-H. wants me to toss the scale (has wanted me to do this since Day 1), but sometimes I wonder if it actually helps me stay in touch with reality. I know this is the "wrong" idea from the POV of most recovery advice, but my body image is still so distorted, I genuinely feel as though my stomach has grown as I've lost weight over the past weeks. It would be so nice to be untethered from numbers, though.

-I truly do want to break out of this box and have a life that is more balanced. I have made much progress, but the ED still influences most of my daily decisions. When I started college, I made major changes that represented a leap forward, and I am trying to look at starting grad school as a similar opportunity to move farther along the path away from disordered life.

I guess that's it for now. This is indeed a ramble, I plan to return to more themed posts soon. Again, endless thanks to the comments and e-mails of support. <3

Facts of the Day

Fact: I am losing weight.

Fact: This is the most weight I have lost in one continual slip since Christmas break.

Fact: I. feel. crappy. All the time.

Fact: I am losing according to the scale, but I absolutely cannot tell from the mirror, and actually have increasing anxiety over the alarming size of my gut.

Fact: All of this is starting to affect my productivity and focus, something I cannot afford when I start grad school next month.

Fact: This is really not any fun. How have I let myself live like this for so many years?

Fact: I have only 3 sessions left with H., so it is a rather inconvenient time to start a new slip.

Fact: I know this game well enough to recognize the red flags.

Fact: It just doesn't seem fair that the times we are weakest are when we most need the strength to pull ourselves up and out.

Fact: I have enough on the line right now to push me back in the right direction, resolving to start that today.

Fact: It still disheartens me that I can work so long and so hard, yet still revert back to illogical, destructive patterns at the drop of a hat.

Fact: I feel like I get more and more jaded every time I repeat this cycle.

Stomach Ooglies and CliffsNotes on Trip

Believe you me, violent stomach viruses greatly compound the burden of being a compulsive exerciser.

My system is pretty much back on track now, but it has been a looong couple of days. As I have mentioned before, H. likes for me to keep a running list of ideas about what I envision "recovered" life will be like. I have a new addition: recovery means allowing yourself to miss a workout (hell, maybe even take a whole day off!) when your digestive system is involuntarily turning itself inside out. I guess you get the picture, not much more to say about that.

I intended to have a post-vacation analysis up on Monday, but have been too busy being sick. I have several topics to think/blog about as a result of the trip. In a nutshell, food was okish. I got in moderate exercise but still far less than I would have at home, and did not go crazy. I did cut back on food, but nowhere near as severely as I would have in the past. I had a fantastic time catching up with my high school friends. I am all about making new friends everywhere I go, but there truly is nothing like an old friend to just make the world feel golden.

I also actually got to take a break from being the most dysfunctional one from the family, and that was a breath of fresh air in many ways (not to imply I was pleased that someone was having problems!).

One thing that was obvious, though, is that even after years of seeing it, many times talking about it, and even going to a session with H., my mom really doesn't "get" the ED thing. I've pretty much given up on making her understand the struggles, just trying to stay open with her and deal with it as best I can. I have no doubt that she loves me and wants the best for me, but it is frustrating to feel like such a freak in a glass case when certain issues come up. She still cannot seem to grasp how hard it is for me to eat when I feel as if I'm under the microscope (especially around my grandmother) and when my meal plan calls for way more food than other people are consuming. I am open with her about the fact that I usually eat a max of half my mealplan when I'm with the family, and she always just seems to brush that off.

I can't help thinking that she doesn't take the eating/image issues seriously because I don't look so sick anymore. Do I really have to push myself all the way to the physical edge for people to believe that I am hurting?

And yet despite the fact that she seems just as clueless about ED issues as ever, I am worried about her. (Please don't judge my interpretation of the situation entirely from the brief version presented here, more in-depth discussion will be made into another post). She has really started taking her running seriously, and I thought she looked significantly thinner than when I last saw her, around 8 weeks ago. She also ate like a tuberculosis-ridden bird on the first day of the visit, which was both triggering and distressing for me. I was honest with her about my concern, but she blew me off, told me she has actually gained weight since starting running. She did eat more freely after that, but I suspect it was just for my benefit, and wasn't all that confident that she wouldn't make up for it when she got home.

Granted, she is dealing with an immense amount of stress. My dad is preparing to go to Afghanistan, she's planning to quit her job to start law school in the fall, and my brothers are having mega-issues (to be discussed in a forthcoming post). I don't know. Have I mentioned that I hate the hell out of food and weight issues?

Psyching Up for Travel

Hitting the road for a few days tomorrow. I'm going across a couple of states to visit with family and friends from high school over the 4th of July weekend. Historically, I tend to suffer pathetic ED regressions when I travel, and going back to the town where I went to high school makes it even worse.

Why? The main reason is that I feel some twisted sense of obligation to slide back into the role that I played in high school. I wasn't open about my ED, but you would have had to be blind and deaf not to pick up on it, so my friends all just came to expect that Cammy wasn't going to eat. I didn't get invited out to dinner, if we were hanging out and someone passed around food, I was automatically skipped. I know that they were just trying not to stress me out by putting me in the spotlight, but after a while it just seemed like one more padlock on the door to my little disordered cell. At times when I truly wanted to try to do better, I'd go behind the gym, in my car, or in some corner of the library to eat at lunch, because I didn't want to draw attention to myself by eating in the cafeteria.

Was this logical, rational? No. I had/have incredible friends, and I know they wouldn't have reacted negatively to me eating. It probably would have thrilled them. I guess I just wanted so much for the disorder to fly under the radar, I felt like an obvious change in behavior patterns would call attention to it more than the disordered behaviors themselves. Does that make any sense? If not, then that is precisely the point.

So, now I go back up there, still not in that ever-lauded "normal" weight range, but significantly heavier than any of them have seen me. My mealplan demands more for lunch than I used to consume in an entire day. Thusly, it's a wee bit awkward for me.

I have been up there once or twice a year since between high school graduation (2005) and now, so they've seen me at various stages, and I have eaten out, gone drinking, etc with them. I'm sure they think about the food thing much less than I do. But I still feel like I'm under the microscope. And I still feel the need to take preparatory measures in the days leading up to the trip, to make sure my tummy looks as flat as possible, things like that, even though I know my friends are much more interested in what is going on in my head than in the status of my midsection. And outside of worries about other people's perceptions, toying with food and limiting weight probably serves as an outlet for anxiety leading up to the trip. Not a good or desireable outlet, don't get me wrong, but it is what it is, just calling it like I see it.

So, I went over all of this with H. this week. I am going to try very, very hard to be as normal as possible so that I can enjoy this trip. Historically, I freak out, restrict, and feel weak and spacey after a day or so, greatly impeding any enjoyment, which is supposed to be the point of the trip, right?

I'm staying with a friend tomorrow night, then visiting with family on Friday and Saturday, coming home Sunday. My mom and brothers are going to be visiting as well (they live several more states away, so my grandparents' house is the central convergence point). I'm very glad my mom will be there as well. My grandmother does make an effort to cook Cammy-friendly food, but it is nice to have my mom around, because she is sort of a health nut (without being unhealthy about it), and so I won't feel spotlighted so much for my food preferences if she is there preferring those foods as well.

Also, I am looking forward to time with mis hermanos, known around here as Bro and Littlebro. (Slightly misleading names, because they're both "littler" than me in years, being 16 and 13, but are both much bigger than me in stature). I was such a terrible sister to them when we were kids. When we were very small I had no patience for them, always yelling and telling them to leave me alone. As a teenager, I still lived with them but pretty much checked out of their lives so I could devote myself to ED-dom, and I am really working to make up for that now that we're all semi-adults and can have intelligent conversations, go do fun things, etc. Bro was recently dumped by his girlfriend, and we're hoping the trip will help him take his mind off things.

So, what can I do to make this trip positive?

-Don't restrict. Such a simple idea in theory, right? But seriously, being out of my daily routine is very challenging. If I try to eat intuitively, I end up with way less than my meal plan. So I should probably break this goal down into more specific chunks:

-Don't over-compensate for calories not burned when I miss exercise sessions. I am in the terrible habit of knowing that I haven't burned X, and thus cutting back 2X on my calories. Must not do that this time.

-Don't abuse caffeine. I need some whilst on the road, but I can't let myself overdo it. It makes me sick to my stomach and increases my anxiety about everything (food and exercise always being the favorite topics) if I have more than a cup or so. And when I am that jittery I have no appetite, so it also contributes to restriction.

-Don't try to imagine what other people are thinking about what I am eating.

-Don't try to imagine what other people are thinking about my size.

-Focus on making the memories I want to have with my family. Meaning to relax and allow myself the energy to enjoy the time with them, instead of making just another edition of all the "I felt too tired and weak to have fun" weekends I have had in the past.

I will probably be sans internet after tomorrow night, but I may pre-write a post and schedule it to go up while I'm gone, depending on how my time goes tonight. I hope you all have a fantabulous 4th of July weekend!