Stress Bomb

I don't even know where to start. So.much.PhD.stress. My adviser is an asshole that behaves unpredictably and my project is a mess and I was given two weeks notice that I have to start my comps next Tuesday (long story) and I haven't had a paycheck since December but just found out that I don't in fact get paid this month but have to wait until September 30 even though I have $300 less in my bank account than I need just to cover August's bills, and in general I wish was working at a coffee shop somewhere instead.

I flew back to PhD Town yesterday, after a month with Match. It was a bit of an arduous visit: his surgery, his dad's visit, and then I was down with what was apparently an infection, not the flu. I put up with a week of night fevers before I finally went to the doc and got antibiotics (I HATE taking antibiotics for things that could potentially be viral, but my body was obviously not kicking it on its own and the throat culture showed that it really was bacterial). But despite all of those things, I think we're stronger than ever as a couple and it feels so strange to be away from him now.

And now school stress. I was very, very sad to leave Match, but I actually do love my apartment and my friends and my life here in PhD Town too, so all was well until this morning when I had an extremely rough and possibly path-changing meeting with my adviser on top of the stress about comps, and right now I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. I don't know how this became this.

Part of my overwhelmedness is probably that I'm catching up on sleep: I had a 6 AM flight from Match City yesterday, which meant waking up at 3 to be at the airport at 4, and that is one time zone east of PhD Town, so I was up for a lot of hours yesterday. It's 8:19 PM and I already feel like passing out on my keyboard.

One way that my brain deals with stress is, of course, to fixate on my weight. I think I gained a small amount of weight during the month at Match's. Really sort of within the margin of error but oh well. It's actually a metabolic miracle that I didn't gain more, since I exercise about 25% less when I'm with him, we had a lot of splurgy restaurant meal days, and I took 10 days off of running while I was sick. But I've still been having a ton of disgust about my body, anxiety about people here noticing that I'm heavier than I was before (reality check: I weight about one pound more than the highest weight I've been at here before), stress about my winter stuff not fitting the same, etc.

On the flip side: Since I've been in Intense mode with studying for comps the past 10 days or so, as well as leaping back into my weight-lifting and cardio routines here the past couple of days, I do appreciate having a stronger body and brain that can handle being thrown into situations that demand high performance.

Everything is very back and forth in my head.

I had all summer in a bubble with my family and Adam giving me constant support and reassurance, and I feel a little bit like I've just slid back into the lion's den. I don't know.

Other tidbits so that I don't end on a gloom and doom note, because gloom and doom is eating my brain right now:
- My shins feel almost brand new. Apparently the most effective way to make me rest my legs from running is to infect my respiratory tract with bacteria and spike my fever daily, but it worked.

- My sixth anniversary with Match was on Monday. We had a great day and a fun evening out. We were super thirsty on our way home that evening, so we asked our Uber driver to go through a drive-through, and I made a split-second decision to get an ice cream cone. At midnight. And I wasn't even drunk anymore. Score one for being a normal human having a holiday.

- More from the anniversary, related to another food win. We had brunch at what is one of the most famous breakfast/brunch places around, super great menu and ambiance etc. It is so popular that we had to wait an hour for a table at 10 AM on a Monday. Anywho, irony of ironies: that  place that is famous/infamous for its indulgent pancakes and other desserty breakfast items is the first place I've ever seen another person with a visible ED recovery tattoo like mine. Hers wasn't just like mine, it was red, on the back of her neck, but still. I'm glad she was having a winning morning too.

I hope everyone is having a good week, love y'all.