So I’m aware of a shift in thought-processes the past few days
or so that is finally enough to scare me. Ever since I got to Research Country,
I’ve told myself that all of my restrictive eating and intense exercising is so
that I can "afford" to indulge on town trips; food is SO monotonous here most
days. I convinced myself I was “earning” the right to splurge when given the
opportunity. I’m not saying this was healthy, or right, or justifiable. But
that’s what it was.
And until recently I was good at that. Really good at that,
actually. I could go in and order nearly
whatever I wanted, telling myself it was my “day off.” Want that pizza? Done.
The cocktail too? Sure. Banana split? You got it, girl.
Getting “better” at eating out is an ED victory . . . but the
whole thing was predicated on me knowing I’d be back at my usual restrictive
regime the next day, so the calories were really a wash within about 24 hours.
But I think I’m feeling a shift. From looking forward to
those town/trip days as a nice break worth sacrificing for to seeing them as something
to fear and stress about.
Background: Since Match can’t travel out to visit me this
year, I planned a little mini-vacation for myself, a couple of weeks from now.
Just a two nights at a hotel in a nearby national park. My research permit here
means I can get resident rates at tourist lodges, which means I can afford to
stay in a pretty nice place (resident rate means essentially a 75% discount on
hotels and park fees).
I know that every meal there is buffet, and when I booked
the trip I was looking forward to it as a way to get a break from my
super-monotonous, restrictive routine here. Like, truly looking forward to it
with excitement, like a goddamn normal person ready to take a break from their
diet.
But recently, I’m starting to shift to fearing it more and
more, to the point that I have tossed around the idea of just canceling the
trip. It’s not like somehow I will undo
a few months of weight loss in two days, right? I know it doesn’t make sense.
But I’m working myself up to the point of being unspeakably stressed about it,
which sort of defeats the purpose of taking myself on a lakeside vacation.
I think up to this point I thought I was pretty in control
of this slide, but this gripping fear of breaking my eating routine, of dreading
something I’d set up to be a treat . . . it’s actually starting to scare me
about bigger things.
2 comments:
I've experienced a similar pattern. Usually every lapse/relapse/whatever you wanna call it has started with me all gung-ho about restricting. Then I reach a point where I start looking forward to those "off days" or "splurges" because the level of restricting has become unsustainable even for me. And then, I start restricting my splurges too because it's not even about the "rules" anymore (e.g. what is allowed on a restricting day vs an off day), it's just that I am plain afraid of eating. And that is always when things have gotten scary for me.
Is this a new thing for you, or have you gone through this iteration before? The "unable to enjoy stuff" seems like a huge red flag to me. Any chance you could bring someone with you on the trip, just to make it feel a little more festive/non-routine rather than just another chance to hunker down alone and eat however little you want?
Hang in there, hopefully you can find some support out there. Sending lots of love and good wishes.
:( I'm sorry friend. It really is difficult when the restricting spins into that nasty spiral that takes over everything. I like Kaylee's suggestion of bringing someone. Or if you can be in contact with someone while you're gone who can support you about eating non-restrictively? It sounds like you're pretty deeply entrenched in the ED at this point--have you talked to your therapist about it? What do you think would be the healthiest thing for you right now? Extra support? Not taking the trip? Doing day-trip stuff instead? Hang in there!
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