I'm having a really hard time sitting with my food anxiety right now. I have taken myself down to the wire with getting in better shape before leaving for fieldwork on Saturday, I am way below what H. and I originally set as my pre-departure goal weight. I had been telling myself it's not a big deal, I can handle the work, look at how wonderfully functional I am at THIS weight, yaddah yaddah, but in reality I know better. So this week I have upped my meal plan, including (gasp) liquid supplements every morning. That is a huge step for me, the "I don't drink calories" mandate has been carved in stone for years.
So, a big step, but a painful one too. I should be thinking about a ton of other things, but I can't shake the anxiety about all the excess calories I've been taking in. ARRGH. I guess I'm in "fake it 'til you make it" mode, trying to just do what I know I should do and hope that it will start to feel ok as I get used to it. It kind of feels like jumping into cold water: terribly uncomfortable first, but you can't acclimate unless you suck it up and endure for a while.
I think some of it is anxiety about being in an unfamiliar place. I'll be way out of any exercise routines. Although the work will definitely be strenuous, I doubt it will be much more than my obsessive regimen at home. I think one thing that has held me back from reaching my goal weight before leaving is worrying about how much I'll gain while I'm in the field. If I'm going to put on a lot of weight while I'm there, why go out of my way to plump up before I leave? I am aware that is the ED whispering in my ear, but damn if those whispers aren't more like screams sometimes.
One other issue: the family is visiting tomorrow (parents plus two brothers, ages 15 and 12.5). I haven't seen them since I visited their house for Christmas. I have actually put on weight since then, but since it is July in the southeast instead of December in the northeast, I won't be nearly as bundled up and externally shapeless. When I talked to my mom about how much I was struggling, around March, I guess, I told her how much I weighed at Christmas and she was shocked, they had no idea.
I love my family a lot, but I go into panic mode when I feel like I have to entertain guests. It's partly neurosis over having people in 'my space,' partly anxiety over not being interesting enough, partly stress over cleaning, the list goes on. They will only be here for one night, so it can't be too bad, and the boys are going to stay at a hotel because my place is too small for everyone. It will be nice to have a girls' night with my mom, I know she needs it. I don't envy her living in a house with all males, she refers to it as "testosterhome."
I also have an appointment with H. tomorrow, my last session until the end of August, when I get back from traveling. Hopefully that will give me a little boost to help me with this terrible, gross, mind-spinning feeling I am having right now.
2 comments:
Try to hang in there. Your family is only there for one day. I know it's hard, but it is a good step that you're adding some liquid supplements. Sometimes the "faking it until you make it" is what keeps you going at this point.
I'll e-mail you soon.
I'm sorry things are tough with your weight. I understand very much right now what you are going through...supplementing your diet is so hard, and I'm proud of you for taking responsibility and doing so. Hope your D appt goes well tomorrow.
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