Un-Cammy Moment

So, yesterday afternoon, with absolutely no warning, no rhyme or reason, I just randomly cried for half an hour.

?

I hate it when my face leaks.

Sticker Smiles

I just want y'all to know that I almost left out the sticker bit at the end of yesterday's post, because I thought it seemed too silly. It has really made me smile that so many of you were gung-ho about my star sticker, LOL.

Just wanted to mention, for anyone who is a newer reader, or an older reader that has already seen it but might need a laugh, that I had a hilarious sticker incident last spring. I told C. about it when I got my little prize yesterday, and she literally almost fell out of her chair laughing.

Compliance Milestone

So, I didn't want to mention this as it was in progress over the past week, because I was afraid I would let people down if I didn't make it through, but I hit a major milestone today: a week of FULL compliance with all exercise and eating goals that I set with my team last Wednesday. Meaning I hit the target every day. Challenge WIN, anorexia FAIL. Maybe this doesn't seem like such a huge thing to celebrate (big whoop, you did what you were supposed to do, what you want a trophy for not being a loser?), but it is actually the first time I've stuck to all my challenges/assignments for an entire week, occurring just a mere 25 months into this latest stint in recovery.

To say that I've had "compliance issues" in the past would be the understatement of the last decade. I have been fired by not one but two therapists. I am usually a very amiable person, easy to get along with, I promise, but when it comes to being told what to do with eating and exercise, I have a super stubborn streak that has not always served me well. I'm a little ashamed that I have been in recovery this long and still have the ED as such a huge presence in my life, but it is what it is.

A few weeks ago, my assignment was to have 2 days of half exercise, then three days the next week...but I had some major stressage and didn't really go through with it as planned, although I did manage to average about 75% exercise for the whole week. So C. decided to take what I was doing and work with it. The 75% average became my new ceiling (quick math review: when the average becomes the ceiling, you are decreasing overall, because by definition if it was an average, half the time you were doing more than that). So I was limited to 75% EVERY day instead of as an overall, and I had to do one day of just 50%, no ifs, ands, or buts. Oh, and no compensating by cutting food.

I picked Monday for my 50% day, because I was supposed to have a hella hectic schedule. Unfortunately, Mother Nature decided to play games with me. We had a huge storm that resulted in flooding, so my morning classes were cancelled at the last minute. I had gotten up at 5, done my morning work out, showered and dressed, and then I had nothing but empty time until a meeting in the late afternoon . . . totally not ideal conditions for avoiding exercise.

But I did it. I made up excuses for errands to do (funny that so often the weather is too bad to go to school but not too bad to go anywhere else) so I was out of the house, and it let me move around a bit to keep from going nuts while still not doing the workout routines. Then I went into meetings and stayed late in the lab that evening, again to distract myself. I made busywork by putting together my academic webpage for my adviser to link to the lab page. I'm a novice at web design, so this was extremely time consuming and engrossing, one of those things where you sit down to work, get absorbed, and suddenly it's three hours later and your butt hurts from the chair you have to pee like whoa. And the evening/exercise opportunities have flown by. Day ended with Cammy 1, ED 0.

My assignment from D was to do food records (without calorie counts, although I did still track cals, just didn't total them on records, which D knows) for the whole week, including comments/thoughts. I have been very bad about doing these in the past, mostly because I'm extremely self-conscious about the amount that I eat, even though I know it's "normal" or a little less for someone my age, and definitely less than recommended for my activity level. So anyway, I buckled down and did food records, made myself a cute lil color-coded Excel spreadsheet, and D. commented that they were some of the "best" (as in complete, organized, informative) records she's seen. So double score.

I guess giving myself points for this is a little gratuitous, when objectively it shows that I am actually way, way behind on the scoreboard for years of dillying around and avoiding challenges. And I'll admit, I was jumping at the bit to be back at 75% the next day, and had some ugly ED thoughts hanging around to castigate me for the day half-off.

But the smile C. gave me today when I filled her in on everything definitely made it seem like a victory to me.

. . . . .

. . . Did you think the cheesiness was over?

I learned that C., being the ultracool professional that she is, gives stickers. Since I ain't never done good before, I was unaware of this. I even got to pick my color. So make fun of me if you will, but I am totally hanging onto that sticker as a reminder that I survived one challenge week, and can do another if I put my mind to it. I stuck it on the one item that is NEVER out of my sight, my precious CrackBerry:

Challenge this week is to put in another half day. I'll do one either tomorrow or Friday, and one on Monday, I think. I'm just stating that ahead of time because I'm less likely to blow it off that way.

I hope you are all having a fantabulous week, thanks again for everything, this journey would not be the same without your fantastic advice and support!

Icing Melts

So, last night turned out to be a great time, despite my little anxiety fit from the last post. It wasn't the eating out persay that I was nervous about, I've gotten pretty adept at that, but it was just that I have a hangup about certain foods that will make me "look big", mainly from bloat or water retention, and try to avoid those for a day or two before a big date. It's not that I think a meal will make me put on fat overnight, but it's still major body anxiety about how various parts (stomach!) will look. Basically, I hate feeling like a walking belly, and my meal plan demands that I eat more than I am really physically comfortable with. Just wanted to explain all of that because I don't think I did a good job of articulating it in my last post. Now, a brief list of noteworthy thoughts/lessons I pulled from this.

Firstly, what I ate on Friday did NOT make me "look fat" last night. My system processed the nutrition and put it to good use and my body and I were still on speaking terms afterwards. This is a superficial reason for the night to be a success, but I won't deny that it was a factor.

Secondly, I had the panic over What to Wear. I went through an insane amount of outfits, and ended up going with, of course, the first one I'd tried on, albeit 45 minutes and some major stressage later. What was significant about this was that while ransacking my closet I found a pair of pants from that were stuffed way in the back because I had way un-grown (atonym for outgrown?) them when I lost weight. It had gotten to the point where they were falling off of me and not even a belt could keep them from looking ridiculous. Out of sheer desperation, I tried them on, expecting them to be too small because I *think* I am bigger than that size now (although I know women's sizes are cruelly arbitrary). I'm 23, I told myself, nothing wrong with outgrowing your pants from when you were 13, but try them just in case*. The verdict? They fit perfectly. And by fit I mean that they hugged my body and showed it off. For me, "fit" used to just mean pants hung but didn't fall off, allowing me to remain covered to a degree deemed sufficient by societal standards while looking like a human hanger. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that yes, clothes are indeed actually supposed to touch your skin.

And Match specifically noticed and complimented them, too. So the real moral of this story is that filling in pants and being healthier not only feels but looks better than being thin and emaciated and at an artificially low clothing size. I seriously doubt the Date Pants would have gotten the same reaction XX pounds ago when I swam in them like a circus tent, not much sexy factor in that.

Thirdly, I'm aware the first two "lessons" are victories about external appearances. Which is why Match got MAJOR points for this final item. We were back at my place after dinner, doing one of our late-night talk sessions, and he decided to play the "Things I Like About Cammy" game. I hope this doesn't come off as egotistical, because he invented it, and it always makes me blush. The rules of the game are very simple: Match lists things that he likes about me. What it lacks in creativity, it makes up for in sweetness, no?

So anyway, that was very nice. ;) And it wasn't until after he left this morning (and I had some coffee to reignite my neurons) that a thought struck me: not one thing he listed had ANYTHING to do with appearance. Everything he mentioned was related to the internal Cammy, various products of my mind and heart, and nothing to do with the body those things ride around in. Granted, he does compliment me on looks-based things at random times too, and I know he is a human male and does appreciate the external (he did like them Date Pants, after all), but it struck a nice chord in me that the true substance that's appreciated, the actual things that he thinks of as "Cammy", are way, way more than skin deep.

I know that in theory, but I think we often forget about it when we're judging ourselves or predicting how the world sees us. Now I am NOT trying to portray this whole thing a case of being dependent on male validation. I just wanted to share that as an example because it did click on a few reminders in my head about how this is true in so many other cases as well. If I think of my friends, I never think about how they look, I think about their sense of humor, interests, passions, experience, etc, etc. The rest is icing, and everyone knows icing is the first thing to melt away under stress. And if you're constantly trying to avoid melting, when do you ever get to enjoy the sun shining on the real you?

*Disclaimer: I realize that wearing pants from when I was 13 shouldn't necessarily be a victory, please don't get me wrong, I worried this might be triggering for some. But that was the last time my weight was actually near the healthy zone. I am fully aware that in a year or maybe even a few months I won't be able to get into those pants, and I know there is nothing wrong with that.

Being Tested

Being tested this week. Short notice change of plans with Match following a day when I feel like I've WAY overeaten (even though I've had the exact same number of cals that I've been eating every day for months) and am having major body blahs because of this damn exercise challenge. Makes me wish I was a monk so that I could rend my robes and gnash my teeth or however the hell it was that they were able to respectably express angst to the world. I guess that is what blogs are for, get with the third millennium, Cammy. We're having date night tomorrow instead of Sunday (5 monthiversery), and if I'd known that I would NOT have eaten the types of food that I ate today.

So maybe it's better that I didn't know. Or I'll just try to tell myself that.

Solve for X

Another edition of "sometimes you have to laugh". (See here, here, here, and here for earlier episodes). Below is a brief conversation from Match's visit here over the weekend. At some point in my life, I will be recovered enough that a calculator is not my most-often used kitchen appliance.

Match: "Cammy, is that a scientific graphing calculator next to your oven?"

Cammy: "Um, yeah it is, actually."

Match: "Just wondering."

Cammy: [teasing to diffuse slight awkwardness]"What, you mean you never plot your lunch on a coordinate plane?"

Match: "Nope, I musta missed that episode of Paula Deen. Although if I think if you gave her one of those contraptions, she'd probably just put butter on it and call it a success.

It is interesting having him over here so much, because in the past I have been HUGELY uncomfortable having people in "my space." I was fine socializing in other places, because I was in control of how long I stayed, and could come back to my safe zone at home whenever I wanted. Having someone in my home makes it much less predictable/controllable. But that seems to be getting a lot better, and I don't mind Match at all. (Another item that we'll laugh at so it isn't sad: he has started bringing sugar over in little baggies with him, because we like to have coffee at random times and he refuses to consume my "cancer powder" sweeteners. I have warned him that carrying baggies of white powder is surely going to get him in trouble someday if he ever gets pulled over and searched).

Having another person around here does make me a little more aware of random EDparaphernalia that I don't even notice. And Match is aware of the ED, so maybe he picks up on more things than others, unsure. Sometimes I wonder what a stranger would think if they were looking around. Remember back when another of H's ED patients toured my house? Life may have a weird sense of humor, but at least it's never boring.

(EDIT: Ok, if you read this in Google reader and it was the version with an embarrassing number of spelling mistakes, I blame it on 3 hours of sleep and a phone call interruption while writing it. I fixed it, but am not sure if edits appear in the reader after it posts. Sorry, I really am literate, I swear!)

Exercise Experiment by Proxy

I try to avoid posting twice in one night, because I am not sure if people really even have the patience for ONE of my long posts, much less two, and there is a risk of reader attrition, but I wanted to get this one out while I have time. And I am also attempting to keep busy and distract myself from the exercise I am not doing right now.

So, on the topic of exercise reduction: I have been able to observe a rather involuntary experiment in exercise reduction in a HEALTHY (non-eating disordered) person, and just wanted to share:

My mom has gotten into running over the past couple of years, and had gotten up to the point where she was doing 5 and 10 k's pretty regularly, logging substantial time/distance each week in training, etc. She didn't do this to lose weight, just to get fit, and pretty much maintained her weight steadily even with the increased training. (She did lose quite a bit of weight several years ago, it put her sort of on the low side but well within healthy BMI).

Last fall she started law school, after a long educational hiatus in which she raised 3 children.

Law school apparently just kind of takes your life in its mouth and chews it up and shakes it and eventually swallows it. I know that I work hard in my grad school program (although I ironically had a more demanding load as an undergrad!), but it is NOTHING compared to what she does. Of course she is tending to a family at the same time she is juggling that school stuff.

So, the running abruptly stopped, because she literally does not have a spare second during the day. Which means that by Christmas, she had been unrunning for a little over 4 months. I had not seen her since July, so I didn't quite know what to expect. Not that I spend a ton of time contemplating my mom's weight, but I think I was curious about it because of my own hang-ups about exercise.

So, the verdict, after 4+ months of cold turkey on the running: I didn't notice any weight change. I mean there could have been a tiny bit in either direction, but really nothing detectable. And she was eating pretty liberally, also. She would snack, have Christmas cookies, eat good portions at meals, etc. Of course she may be eating less than when she was running, I can't be precisely sure, but she's not calculating anything, which means her body is acting as a good gauge for what she needs. When she was on her weight loss kick a few years ago, I worried about her overdoing it, and Christmas 2008 was a little awkward because she was still monitoring her diet pretty closely. But I guess once she hit a healthy weight her set point has pretty much stuck, because she doesn't count calories or restrict food, has been on an exercise break for months, and her body doesn't really look different. (Obviously not all the benefits of exercise are external, just a disclaimer).

So, just wanted to share that second-hand anecdote, because case studies like that kind of give me a shot of hope about this whole deal.

Trudging Along

(I have no idea why the spacing is so wide in this post, or why the font is two different shades of "black", Blogger is being a brat and won't let me fix it, apologies!)

Thanks SO much to everyone for the support and confidence as I have tried to tackle the exercise challenges over the past few days. It really means a ton. Although I have to admit that I feel a little flummoxed when other people express confidence in me, because on any given day I feel anything EXCEPT strong or capable. I am just kind of trudging at the moment. I am still dealing some major Body Ickies, but I'm trying to hammer some realism into myself as well. The fact is that I'm going to have to pony up and do this if I'm serious about getting healthy. My bones need it. My brain needs it. My skin, my boobs, my heart, my hair, my energy, everything is going to benefit from this, so I just keep telling myself that I'll thank myself in the end.

I have mentioned that although I love spending time with Match, sometimes it can be a trigger for not-so-healthy eating patterns for me, because I'm ultraconscious of someone else being ultraconscious about my body. I have to give the boy credit, though: as much as I stress about how I predict he will perceive me, once I am actually with him he makes me feel, well, pretty damn pretty, albeit temporarily. I wish I could bottle that feeling and spray it on every time I have an EDish anxiety attack.

Carrie had an excellent post about target weights a few days ago, I hope everyone takes time to read that. I am inching toward the "healthy" BMI range, but my team has not set a target weight for me. I need to talk to them about this, because right now I feel kind of uncomfortable with not having a goal or an endpoint in sight. Also, still no period. H., the psychologist I saw as an undergrad (I still feel weird/sad writing about her in past tense), told me that I couldn't consider a non-menstrual weight healthy, but I am wondering if I didn't just totally screw up my Girl Plumbing by starting with the ED before I officially hit puberty.

Ok that is probably enough TMI that I shall subject the Interwebs to tonight. As for an actual exercise update, I have done semi-decently with the challenge for the past couple of days, but mostly because I spent half of yesterday and half of today with Match. And even then I haven't come in at quite 50 percent, but closer than before. I was supposed to have a few "off" days from the challenge, but the way it's working out I'm sort of having all semi-on days. I wonder if C. will be satisfied with less than 50% reductions if I do them every day instead of having complete non-challenge days mixed in. We shall see.

Some of the reduced workouts are starting to feel routine. My ultra-habit forming nature can be either a blessing or a curse: I find it hard to give up old patterns, but once I establish a new (supposedly healthier) routine, it will stick. One other thing that's hard is that the less I work out, the more energy I have, and the harder it is to keep from working out. I am still healing up a bit from my holiday hiking injury, and once everything is back 100% I'm going to look into some non-routine physical activities/sports I can do that can help wean me off the ritualistic, repetitive stuff. My main goal is to start rock climbing again, waiting on this damn wrist to mend though.

Alright, over and out. I hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

Ceilings are Not Fun

So, I know the point about recovery challenges is that you have to let your anxiety rise. Deal with it until you've hit the ceiling, come back down in order to be OK and learn that no, the world indeed does not end if you do X, Y, or Z destructive behavior. But I think I am ascending rapidly right now after making some significant exercise cuts and I am really, really not having fun. Not that fun is the point, obviously.

Speaking of not fun things, today of all days I really need to go to the mall for some specific items. I won't have a chance for the next few days, and I have to have some khaki dress pants for Tuesday. Clothes shopping itself is inevitably a big trigger for me, this should be interesting.

On the plus side, my house is still standing and my family is alive and healthy. My metaphorical ceiling may be an issue, but my literal one is strong and stable. I shaved as much as I could off my budget this week to help out with people not so lucky, please consider it if you are able.

Give Yourself a Break

As happens often, Indexed hits home today:

Part of recovery is learning that the ED may have been a huge chunk of your life for a long time, but it's not you, and there is no good in beating yourself up for it OR tying your image to it. I'm still working on this every day.

Don't Snap Those Fingers

So, I had back-to-back appointments with C and D today. Two straight hours of therapizing always somehow leaves my mind feeling drained and heavy at the same time. Just some brief thoughts, more at some time when I'm not so tired.

I faltered a little with the exercise challenge on Monday, then had a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Body Image Day yesterday and pretty much blew it off. I shaved off a little bit for convenience, but nothing really significant.

So I was bracing myself for a thrashing from C today. But she surprised me. I have griped before that I feel like she's only focused on behavior and doesn't seem to let me process thoughts as much as I would like. But she totally talked me through the thoughts behind a Fat Day and other things on my mind today. I don't feel like she completely let me off for not meeting my challenge (I am now assigned to cut 50% for 4 of the next 7 days til I see her again), but she seemed to understand that I needed to address the struggle points if I was going to be able to step back into the ring and try again.

Session with D was also good. She is the queen of super-astute analogies. I felt like I was kind of muddling my way through, a little bit, trying to explain what's on my mind regarding body, recovery, food, everything. I'm in a tough spot right now: in between clothing sizes, one foot in and one foot out of commitment to reducing exercise, dealing with body self-consciousness in whole new ways.

Usually the "message of the day" is some very insightful piece of wisdom or advice that C or D imparts ot me. But I will give myself credit, today the line that has been replaying in my head ever since I left the office was one of my own. It surprised me when I said it, but the more I weigh it in my mind and introspect on it, the more I believe it:

"If I could snap my fingers and go back to weighing X* right now, I wouldn't do it."

And it's true. I may not be totally comfortable with every new step I take forward, but being temporarily uncomfortable in this new/healthy body beats the hell out of dying in my old one.

Just sayin'.

*X = a very low and unhealthy weight, although not as low as my rock bottom

EDIT: There was a slight delay in this post appearing on the blog feed, so "today" refers to Wednesday, Jan 13.

Weekend Randoms

Bone health seems to be the "cause of the month" lately, a few more items for you to peruse at your leisure:

New York Times: Loss of Bone Mass Linked to Contraceptive

NPR: A biography of osteopenia: how the marketing of bone density pills "created" current screening and diagnosis methods

In other news, I had a milestone yesterday: I actually took a nap. I don't think I'd done that since I was a kid. I was so tired that I literally felt in danger of dozing off while walking my dog, and this was in Arctic temps that should have had me wide awake. So I came home and crawled into bed, wow that felt good. (Woot for the blogosphere where a nap can actually be made into news, how self-absorbed was this item? Sheesh).

The weather is supposed to start easing up on the omgfrigid-ness this week. I think I was just starting to acclimate to the 30's a bit. I emphasis the "bit" part, will definitely be glad for more habitable temps to set in. No me gusta the winter. I can't think of anything that gets me quite as miserable as being cold does. Just a friendly reminder: one benefit to weight restoration is that the wind/cold does not penetrate to your core QUITE so easily. Although I still prefer to bundle up in as many layers as physically possible: bending your elbows is highly over-rated.

I got a very nice e-mail from H., my psychologist from Undergrad City, checking in on me to see how my first semester, holidays, etc had gone here. It was so nice to hear from her. C. is working out for me, but I still don't have the same connection/dynamic that I did with H., and I miss that. Also, C. is an LCSW, not a psychologist, so even though her specialty is EDs she doesn't always seem to want to talk about thoughts as much as behaviors, and sometimes I just need to sort my brain out a bit.

How did my two Unchallenge days go by so fast? Back in the saddle tomorrow. I have a busy day again, but Match won't be available to save me from my habits in the evening. And I both need and want to be a big girl and do the saving by myself, anyway.

I see both C. and my dietitian (does she have a letter yet? I can't even keep track of this alphabet soup) on Tuesday. On the table for therapizing this week: relationship stuff (I need to talk about body image in relation to increasing intimacy, and in case I came across as what my gramma would call a floozy about Match's sleepover in my last post, we are not "there yet" TMI? sorry. Oops, I still in the parentheses aren't I?), exercise stuff (obviously) and maybe some scheduling stuff, I feel like if I'm going to be decreasing exercise I need to put in some initial structure to substitute, so I'm not just pulling my hair out with anxiety.

I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend!

Exercise Reduction Update

First of all, TONS of thanks for the supportive comments, e-mails, and texts to keep me boosted and motivated about sticking with my exercise challenge. You people are amazing. Just to review, I am supposed to reduce by 50% for 3/5 days during my inter-therapy period this week, and yesterday was Day 1 of reduction. (I am probably going to use my 2 "unchallenge days" today and tomorrow, simply because I have more free time over the weekend).

I started out okish with cutting my first exercise session by about 2/3 (66%), but then I chickened out and by late afternoon I'd done 100% on everything else. Which is ironic, because I had a hella busy day and really had tons of excuses to skip workouts and better things to do with my time. :/ But that still left the evening workout, a significant chunk. as a question mark. If I'd done that, I would have come in at 80% overall exercise for the day. I planned to just do it and then maybe take some off on my "unchallenge" day over the weekend to make up for it.

But then I had the chance to practice spontaneity AND exercise reduction: Match usually works on Friday nights (bummer!), but he found out at the last minute that someone needed to switch shifts with him. So we made plans on EXTREMELY short notice (for me at least, I often prefer several days of planning ahead). We decided around 2 to meet at 5:30. We were going briefly to stop by Happy Hour with some of my friends, go to the mall to pick him out some nice clothes for an event he has coming up, then have dinner and hang out at my place (the first time he has stayed at my place all night, also spontaneous, longstorytellyalater). So that consumed the entire evening, thus no evening cardio for Cammy. So I ended up actually coming in at 66% of my daily exercise, coming pretty damn close to my mandated goal.

I did have a drink, was a little wound up from a hectic day (first day back to classes, several meetings, etc). But only one, with dinner, a glass of wine. Oh wait, I also split a Bud Light with Match at happy hour, almost forgot that. Anyway, I know I said I was going to ixnay the alcohol for at least a while, and I am going to make that effective now. I didn't have a bad experience or overdo it last night, but I just feel the need to put my foot down with myself.

As for compensation, I may have undercut my calories a little bit (hard to tell, not knowing stats for the restaurant meal I had for dinner), but nothing drastic and not calculated specifically to make up for what I didn't do. I cut bfast a little bit this morning due to anxiety over not knowing exactly how many cals I had last night.. I'm honestly just not a breakfast person at heart, and so this meal is always definitely my least-optimal one of the day.

Onward, at least in theory. I shaved a little bit off my morning walk today (it is ARCTIC outside, wtf?), so if I apply that retroactively it takes me closer to the full 50% cut for yesterday. I get to "take a break" this weekend and then nose back to the grindstone, challenge will be not cutting food in anticipation of less activity next week.

Thanks again for all the support as I fumble my way through this, means more than I can even say! <3

Exercise Challenges Start

So, I had my first post-holiday therapy appointment, and C. is definitely pulling off the gloves regarding the exercise stuff. She's not putting me cold-turkey, but I'm supposed to do 50% for 3 of the next 5 days until I see her again. With the caveat, of course, that calories are not slashed to compensate.

So this starts tomorrow. I also start back to class tomorrow. I have a pretty full schedule for the day, which might make it easier to stay distracted and more convenient to cut exercise time, but it also means I won't be all that focused on much in the classroom/lab. I have class in the morning, a coffee date w/Match afterwards, then I have a couple of errands to do. Back to campus for a seminar in the afternoon, and going out with some friends in the evening. So seems like plenty of diversions, but I know I'll probably end up just diverted mentally from the diversions, if that makes sense?

I am already feeling slightly panicky as I turn this over in my brain and try to strategize it out. I don't have the best record of compliance with these things...ok I have an ABYSMAL record of compliance with these things.

But, to quote C. verbatim: "You need to decide whether you're going to keep pussy-footing around or if you're going to really do this all the way through."

Media is Lame

As usual, Graph Jam hits the nail on the head:

Skele-Boosters in the News

Just FYI, for anyone else out there with a carbonated skeleton, the New York Times has an article up that reviews bone health issues and details the treatments that are currently available and in development. Go forth and read it here.

Anecdote One: I had a friend in undergrad that was also in recovery from AN, and also had probs with her bones. She also had a genetic predisposition to osteo, so she and her mom had actually been on meds for it together when she was a teen ( unique bonding opportunity, courtesy of ED). She had to go off of it, though, because it actually reduced the density in her jawbone to the point that it was causing big problems. I *think* it was Boniva, not 100% sure though. I am not bashing the drug (don't sue me! I am a grad student and have nothing you want anyway!), that's one of the acknowledged side effects, just wanted to mention what I knew of someone's personal experience.

Anecdote Dos: I have asked physicians about meds for osteo at various times, and the response I have always gotten is that they're not designed for young people who still have many decades of life ahead. They have mentioned the same thing as the article above, that the drugs can in some ways make bones more brittle and likely to break over time. I am NOT A DOCTOR and am not trying to give medical advice or discourage anyone from seeking meds, just sharing my experience. The article above focuses on elderly people, and there are some other issues to think about if your osteo is early onset due to an ED. Definitely definitely discuss this stuff with your physician if you have concerns, obviously; there is new stuff out all the time, hopefully some of the developing treatments will be better for younger patients. The ultimate verdict from my physicians has been: the best thing for your bones is to restore your health so that you're menstruating. Female sex hormones play a huge, huge role in maintaining bone density, and there really is no substitute for the way our bodies are supposed to naturally work.

M. told me a really horrible story the other night. I guess his grandmother has severe osteoporosis. She took a fall and fractured her femur, the kind of break that is usually fixed by putting a rod in the bone. But apparently her skeleton is so depleted that there is not even enough to anchor the pins and other hardware, so she is basically just wheelchair-bound forever now.

Your bones are what your body is built around, eat for them, if nothing else. I guess this is my public service announcement of the day. Take care of your bones, my loves, you only get one set. One of my biggest motivators in recovery is realizing that wearing an artificially small size X for a few years while I'm young is not at all a fair trade for decades of limited mobility and other issues later on in life.

Back to Reality

So, the spring semester starts this week. Back to the real world of school, research, writing, therapy, etc. Which means it's also time for me to get my shit together and pick back up with recovery stuff. In some ways I had successes over the holiday break, but since I got back home from my family's house I've kind of dabbled in a smorgasbord of EDness, like a little sampler box of behaviors that is sitting on the table waiting for you to reach out and try a bite of each one. So, here I put forth my confessions in order to start the semester with a clean slate.

I set two resolutions this year: to start journaling again (in actual, old-fashioned, paper form), and to start running again. Presumably as a sub for exercise I do now, not an addition. I genuinely miss the rush and the feeling I got from it, and I wanted it for that, not to lose weight. I told myself it was a good step in recovery if I could choose an exercise because I enjoy it. But immediately I started to get a little obsessive with planning runs, pushing myself in the cold, while I was/am also recovering from compressed disks in my back (yes, exercise obsession turns me into an idiot quite often), and not decreasing other exercise to compensate for runs. Generally not getting off to a healthy start, it seems. And I confirmed that even after 2 years off of running completely, my knees are still shot to hell, OUCH. So I might need a substitute resolution here.

Match and I have been taking advantage of the break from classes to get together almost every day, which means a lot of meals out. I tend to handle this way, way better than I used to (I used to just not be able to do it at all). Now I don't have much problem eating out, but I DO tend to undercut my cals when I do it. I think a lot of people think eating out is stressful because of fear of high cal dishes. For me it's always just been because of the break in routine, the not knowing exactly how many cals, even if I know it's less than what I'd be eating at home. It's not hard to find "light" menu options that are less than what I'd be eating on my routine mealplan. So restaurant eating for several days in a week puts me in a significant calorie deficit. I came back from Christmas a teeny bit heavier than when I left, but weight has slid off pretty easily in the past week.

I am really enjoying Match, but I do think he is one factor in my restrictive trend this week. I am adjusting to have someone that closely aware of my body, and so I definitely alter my eating on days that we get together to try to keep (mostly my stomach) from looking "too big." At the same time, I am miserably aware of my lack of boobage, a flip side of the same coin. Note that Match is a great guy, not superficial at all, and he has not said or done ANYTHING to encourage these anxieties from me. I do a great job of that all on my own. I think the theme for my next therapy session is going to be dealing with body image with an increasingly intimate relationship.

I cancelled my trip to a conference on doctor's orders, because of my injuries from a hiking accident over the break. I feel pretty guilty that apparently I'm not well enough to sit on a plane for 6 hours, but I haven't curbed the exercise much. My back/chest are feeling a ton better now, but the wrist is still bothering me quite a bit. I get the feeling that my T is going to want to hit the exercise full-force when I have my first post-holiday appointment this week. I know that she wanted to get me fresh from traveling, when my routines and rituals were already scrambled and more easily malleable, but me not taking my trip kind of threw that for a loop.

I need to be cutting de caff. I always drink decaf coffee, but over the break, with all the traveling, holidays, etc, I have started to switch more and more to regular and am becoming too dependent on it again, after a good 3-4 years of fairly consistent abstention. It makes my heart a little freaky for an hour or so after a big dose (heart palps were why I detoxed from it in the first place). Plus, I know it's not good for my bones, which need all the help their poor meager osteoblasts can get.

Last week, I got drunk for the first time ever. It was actually kind of fun and unexpected, largely because I was with someone I trusted and having fun, not at a lewd party or anything. I was ladylike about it, btw, I did NOT get sloppy or throw up. I don't plan to try to do it again, though. Match and I were at an Asian place for dinner, I had nothing in my stomach prior to the meal and still not that much after, and made the mistake of doing sake bombs with him. Like I mentioned in a previous (and more detailed) post on this topic, "My family tree is so heavy with alcoholics that its metaphorical branches nearly drag the ground." I've gotten into the habit of having a mixed drink or two when Match and I go out, going to stop that too. It helps me loosen up, but I don't want to start feeling like I need it to loosen up, which I have been starting to notice at the edges of my mind. Not that I think I'm developing a problem, but I just feel like it's best to not tempt fate, knowing my genetic predisposition and personal history of forming habits at the drop of a hat. I'd probably form the habit OF dropping the hat along with the vice d'jour. And it's better for my wallet to stick to water anyway.

Ok. What happens during the holidays, stays during the holidays! I have a BIG year coming up with tons of travel, fieldwork, etc, and I need to be on top of my game, both mentally and physically. Plus, with the trickling in of meetings, obligations, etc now that the semester is revving up, I notice I have definitely become spoiled with having my days free to work out whenever I want, not worry about fueling for classes, etc. Break is over, time to get back to work on showing ED who's the boss. I hope.

Dogs and books and Travolta, oh my!

Sara from Sprinkle of Cinnamon graciously tagged me with the Happy 101 award:

The rules of the game are that I list 10 things that make me happy, do at least on

e of them today, and pass along to 10 blogfriends. I usually feel like I owe y'all a debt of positivity, since you put up with all my ranting and raving, so here is a great opportunity!

Things that make me happy, in no particular order:

1. Nature. The surest way to put me in a good mood is to get me out in the sunshine in a beautiful landscape. I am definitely an outdoors person, and all of the times where I have felt the most centered and at peace have been during hiking/camping trips in beautiful/remote places.

2. My dog. I have owned G. for 4.5 years now, and I truly have no idea what my life would be like without him. I got him as soon as I moved out of my parents' house, and I have never been a grown-up on my own without this unbelievable companion. He is like my furry shadow, never more than 3 feet away from me if he can help it. Staying strong so that I can take care of him has been a significant factor in holding me accountable during my recovery. In addition, he is ultra-tuned in to my moods, and has a big, comforting and calming effect on me when I'm stressed.

3. Science. Slightly related to #1, but all forms of science--even outside my own realm of research--absolutely fascinate, intrigue, and enthrall me.

4. My family. My ED has been rough on them, and they probably (definitely) could have handled it better, but holy Batman have I got a fantastic family. My mom is my best friend, just edging out G. because I've known her longer. ;p My dad (actually adoptive stepdad, my bio dad was a loser that we escaped when I was very young) absolutely worships the ground that my mom and I walk on, and goes out of his way to show it. My brothers are becoming more and more like men every day, and I'm so proud of them. Plus my extended family: I'm very close to my grandparents, who provided a safe haven for my mom and I when we had to run away from bio dad. My aunts and uncles are all impressive people that I enjoy. Of course we all have our issues, quirks, and whatnot, but I love us.

5. Rock climbing. I love the exertion, I love the challenge, I love the rush when I get to the top. I love the fact that it's a mental as well as physical sport. I love that you are your own competitor, and it's all about pushing yourself above and beyond without worrying what anyone else is doing. I intended to pick it back up this semester, but this damn wrist injury is holding me back.

6. Reading. I am a voracious reader; I go through 2-3 books a week during the semester and more on breaks. I also subscribe to a number of magazines (I think it's at 7 right now), and try to balance the environmental footprint of that by reading a couple of newspapers online.

7. Talking to/helping elderly people. Maybe because I am so close to my grandparents. I am such a softy for elderly people, and I wish that we had a culture that valued them more.

8. My boyfriend. Known around here as "M" or "Match." (Yes, there is a story behind the name, it's not just a hopeful nickname). He is incredibly sweet and being around him just makes me feel good. I have been way more spontaneous with him than I have been in probably 10 years or so, I feel like our relationship is really helping me to challenge some of my over-self protection tendencies that usually cause me to keep people at arms' length to some degree. It doesn't matter what secret or insecurity I reveal to him, he is always accepting and supportive. He came over to wash dishes for me the first day I had my arm splinted. He texts me good morning every day. He doesn't mind me bringing G. over to his house when we hang out. He gave me a sweet nickname (and, ironically since I use a pseudonym on this blog, I have never liked nicknames much before, but this one I love). He's starting grad school in the fall, and I'll be all over the place traveling this year (conferences almost every month and several trips to Research Country, I'm starting to feel like Clooney's character in Up in the Air), but I'm just going to see how things play out. It's a big change for me to just "let things be" like that.

9. Grease. I have seen this movie over 200 times, I kid you not. I can pretty much recite it from memory, but I never tire of seeing young John Travolta...YUM.

10. Last but definitely not least: Coffee! Coffeecoffeecoffee. I used to be an extreme caffeine addict (I've fallen back into that a little bit over the last month or so, with all my traveling, but am working on detoxing this week), but then cut out the caff my last year of high school. (Seriously, at that point I just needed an IV drip, I was consuming about 2 pots of coffee and a few diet Cokes every day, it was giving me ED-enhanced heart issues). I never shook the behavioral addiction, though, and my day is not complete without multiple cups of coffee. I'm a slight snob, though, and don't like to drink drip if there is any option; I am an Americano girl, I even invested in an espresso machine for home.

I ran out of items! There are more, of course. Peanut butter, cribbage games, piano, towels fresh out of the dryer, jigsaw puzzles, girly cocktail drinks.....As for doing things from my top 10 today: I am about to go for a walk with my beloved G. (maybe this includes nature, we'll be out in the sunshine), then go to lunch with Match. Double challenge: we didn't decide this until about an hour ago, previously unthinkably short notice, AND it is a new, independent restaurant with unknown nutrition data (!) I have already read about 75 pages of my book and plan to finish it this afternoon. I am going to talk to mi madre on the phone shortly. Science is a part of my everyday life, and I'm getting to work a new grant proposal tonight. Not a bad proportion of things on the list for one day!

Ok I suck at tagging people because I never know who has been tagged and am shy about doing it because then I have to face the fact that the person may not actually read my blog often and I have the unintentional snub effect. So I am going to wimp out and randomly tag everyone. What makes you happy? Share, please, and go do something kind for yourself today!

<3

The Great Panty Purge of 2010

One of the hardest things in recovery is the almost-inevitable outgrowing of clothes during weight gain.

Some items are more forgiving than others. Jogging pants can endure for a decent amount of time/pounds; big sweatshirts are like islands of calm in the storm. Jeans can be frustrating enough to turn your hair into snakes and your breath into fire. T-shirts are forgiving, knit sweaters not so much. Shoes will love you forever and ever.

So, I have dealt with that in a piecemeal fashion over the last 2 or so years of this stab at recovery. One task I have been putting off is doing an Official Undie Audit. Underwear are about in the middle of the pack in terms of forgiving-ness, but now I am at the point where I really just need to get some of them out of sight and out of mind. It rarely comes up in casual conversation, so you may not know this about me, but the fact is that I actually really like cute panties, etc, and have quite a collection of them. To the point that right now my drawer of drawers overfloweth, and something must be done. Plus, it should not be expected that I wear the same damn panty size that I did when I was 13, and an anorexic 13-year-old to boot. (Not that I still have underwear in my drawer from 10 years ago, but you get the point, I hope.)

But as of today, all of the obnoxiously itsy bitsy panties are going to the dumpster. I am trying to keep in mind that when my sorry excuse for an ass was actually small enough to fit into them, it was usually bruised and tormented from sitting on hard seats at school, workout friction, etc. Butt band-aids are def unsexy, no?

I had mixed feelings (read: panic and disgust) about actually having a derrière again when I started gaining weight, but it has kind of grown on me (pun intended, I won't lie). It's not a bad one, as butts go. I would have shared a pic of that too, but I didn't want to further reward any pervs that might have stumbled on this post using the "panty" keyword. (I jest, I jest! ;p).

Notes:

-I caught an html error that affected item #7 in my last post, so just in case you saw that and thought, "Wow, Cammy is a screw-up," it is fixed now. Just wanted to mention that, if you wanted to see the correct version. What? Perfectionist? Where? Who? Me? No...

-It occurred to me AFTER I hit "publish" on this that perhaps using "purge" in the title of a post on an ED blog was not so appropriate, but I heart alliteration so I'm keeping it, apologies in advance.