Back to Reality

So, the spring semester starts this week. Back to the real world of school, research, writing, therapy, etc. Which means it's also time for me to get my shit together and pick back up with recovery stuff. In some ways I had successes over the holiday break, but since I got back home from my family's house I've kind of dabbled in a smorgasbord of EDness, like a little sampler box of behaviors that is sitting on the table waiting for you to reach out and try a bite of each one. So, here I put forth my confessions in order to start the semester with a clean slate.

I set two resolutions this year: to start journaling again (in actual, old-fashioned, paper form), and to start running again. Presumably as a sub for exercise I do now, not an addition. I genuinely miss the rush and the feeling I got from it, and I wanted it for that, not to lose weight. I told myself it was a good step in recovery if I could choose an exercise because I enjoy it. But immediately I started to get a little obsessive with planning runs, pushing myself in the cold, while I was/am also recovering from compressed disks in my back (yes, exercise obsession turns me into an idiot quite often), and not decreasing other exercise to compensate for runs. Generally not getting off to a healthy start, it seems. And I confirmed that even after 2 years off of running completely, my knees are still shot to hell, OUCH. So I might need a substitute resolution here.

Match and I have been taking advantage of the break from classes to get together almost every day, which means a lot of meals out. I tend to handle this way, way better than I used to (I used to just not be able to do it at all). Now I don't have much problem eating out, but I DO tend to undercut my cals when I do it. I think a lot of people think eating out is stressful because of fear of high cal dishes. For me it's always just been because of the break in routine, the not knowing exactly how many cals, even if I know it's less than what I'd be eating at home. It's not hard to find "light" menu options that are less than what I'd be eating on my routine mealplan. So restaurant eating for several days in a week puts me in a significant calorie deficit. I came back from Christmas a teeny bit heavier than when I left, but weight has slid off pretty easily in the past week.

I am really enjoying Match, but I do think he is one factor in my restrictive trend this week. I am adjusting to have someone that closely aware of my body, and so I definitely alter my eating on days that we get together to try to keep (mostly my stomach) from looking "too big." At the same time, I am miserably aware of my lack of boobage, a flip side of the same coin. Note that Match is a great guy, not superficial at all, and he has not said or done ANYTHING to encourage these anxieties from me. I do a great job of that all on my own. I think the theme for my next therapy session is going to be dealing with body image with an increasingly intimate relationship.

I cancelled my trip to a conference on doctor's orders, because of my injuries from a hiking accident over the break. I feel pretty guilty that apparently I'm not well enough to sit on a plane for 6 hours, but I haven't curbed the exercise much. My back/chest are feeling a ton better now, but the wrist is still bothering me quite a bit. I get the feeling that my T is going to want to hit the exercise full-force when I have my first post-holiday appointment this week. I know that she wanted to get me fresh from traveling, when my routines and rituals were already scrambled and more easily malleable, but me not taking my trip kind of threw that for a loop.

I need to be cutting de caff. I always drink decaf coffee, but over the break, with all the traveling, holidays, etc, I have started to switch more and more to regular and am becoming too dependent on it again, after a good 3-4 years of fairly consistent abstention. It makes my heart a little freaky for an hour or so after a big dose (heart palps were why I detoxed from it in the first place). Plus, I know it's not good for my bones, which need all the help their poor meager osteoblasts can get.

Last week, I got drunk for the first time ever. It was actually kind of fun and unexpected, largely because I was with someone I trusted and having fun, not at a lewd party or anything. I was ladylike about it, btw, I did NOT get sloppy or throw up. I don't plan to try to do it again, though. Match and I were at an Asian place for dinner, I had nothing in my stomach prior to the meal and still not that much after, and made the mistake of doing sake bombs with him. Like I mentioned in a previous (and more detailed) post on this topic, "My family tree is so heavy with alcoholics that its metaphorical branches nearly drag the ground." I've gotten into the habit of having a mixed drink or two when Match and I go out, going to stop that too. It helps me loosen up, but I don't want to start feeling like I need it to loosen up, which I have been starting to notice at the edges of my mind. Not that I think I'm developing a problem, but I just feel like it's best to not tempt fate, knowing my genetic predisposition and personal history of forming habits at the drop of a hat. I'd probably form the habit OF dropping the hat along with the vice d'jour. And it's better for my wallet to stick to water anyway.

Ok. What happens during the holidays, stays during the holidays! I have a BIG year coming up with tons of travel, fieldwork, etc, and I need to be on top of my game, both mentally and physically. Plus, with the trickling in of meetings, obligations, etc now that the semester is revving up, I notice I have definitely become spoiled with having my days free to work out whenever I want, not worry about fueling for classes, etc. Break is over, time to get back to work on showing ED who's the boss. I hope.