Monday, January 18, 2010

Trudging Along

(I have no idea why the spacing is so wide in this post, or why the font is two different shades of "black", Blogger is being a brat and won't let me fix it, apologies!)

Thanks SO much to everyone for the support and confidence as I have tried to tackle the exercise challenges over the past few days. It really means a ton. Although I have to admit that I feel a little flummoxed when other people express confidence in me, because on any given day I feel anything EXCEPT strong or capable. I am just kind of trudging at the moment. I am still dealing some major Body Ickies, but I'm trying to hammer some realism into myself as well. The fact is that I'm going to have to pony up and do this if I'm serious about getting healthy. My bones need it. My brain needs it. My skin, my boobs, my heart, my hair, my energy, everything is going to benefit from this, so I just keep telling myself that I'll thank myself in the end.

I have mentioned that although I love spending time with Match, sometimes it can be a trigger for not-so-healthy eating patterns for me, because I'm ultraconscious of someone else being ultraconscious about my body. I have to give the boy credit, though: as much as I stress about how I predict he will perceive me, once I am actually with him he makes me feel, well, pretty damn pretty, albeit temporarily. I wish I could bottle that feeling and spray it on every time I have an EDish anxiety attack.

Carrie had an excellent post about target weights a few days ago, I hope everyone takes time to read that. I am inching toward the "healthy" BMI range, but my team has not set a target weight for me. I need to talk to them about this, because right now I feel kind of uncomfortable with not having a goal or an endpoint in sight. Also, still no period. H., the psychologist I saw as an undergrad (I still feel weird/sad writing about her in past tense), told me that I couldn't consider a non-menstrual weight healthy, but I am wondering if I didn't just totally screw up my Girl Plumbing by starting with the ED before I officially hit puberty.

Ok that is probably enough TMI that I shall subject the Interwebs to tonight. As for an actual exercise update, I have done semi-decently with the challenge for the past couple of days, but mostly because I spent half of yesterday and half of today with Match. And even then I haven't come in at quite 50 percent, but closer than before. I was supposed to have a few "off" days from the challenge, but the way it's working out I'm sort of having all semi-on days. I wonder if C. will be satisfied with less than 50% reductions if I do them every day instead of having complete non-challenge days mixed in. We shall see.

Some of the reduced workouts are starting to feel routine. My ultra-habit forming nature can be either a blessing or a curse: I find it hard to give up old patterns, but once I establish a new (supposedly healthier) routine, it will stick. One other thing that's hard is that the less I work out, the more energy I have, and the harder it is to keep from working out. I am still healing up a bit from my holiday hiking injury, and once everything is back 100% I'm going to look into some non-routine physical activities/sports I can do that can help wean me off the ritualistic, repetitive stuff. My main goal is to start rock climbing again, waiting on this damn wrist to mend though.

Alright, over and out. I hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

5 comments:

sophia said...

Best of luck, Cammy. It takes a while to get used to it, but stick to it and it'll become second nature, and you'll habitually do your work outs. :-)

by the way, the double spacing ain't half bad! Almost makes it easier to read.

CG said...

I'm going to comment on two posts in one, because I am being lazy. But you need not fear any "reader attrition" (too cute)...you've hooked everyone on your recovery!

Anyway, it sounds like you are afraid the gaining will not stop, or that when it does, it will be too high for you to be comfortable with it (?) I think setting goal points, at which you can reassess everything with your therapist, could be a really good idea. Also, seeing what happened with your mom's body sounds like a really affirming experience, I hope that helped.

Have you talked with anyone who had gained to a healthy range after having previously been emaciated? I feel like I can't be of that much help because I have never been severely underweight, but hearing from someone who has may be helpful. I just read this young lady's blog; she's amazing: http://themilkfreeway.wordpress.com/

Maybe you could ask about how she overcame body issues?
Lots of love, CG

now.is.now said...

Cammy, you're doing an incredible job challenging yourself with this. You are making the right choice by sticking with your challenge and reducing exercise. Go you!

As for the weight/period thing.... I don't necessarily think period is tied with weight. I'm serious. At least that wasn't my experience. For one, I lost my period before I lost any significant weight. Secondly, I gained weight and stayed at X pounds for a while, without a period. Eventually, at that weight, I got my period. At some point later, I gained even more weight. However, even though I had gained weight, I exercised a lot more, and guess what? I lost my period again. So, at X lbs + 10 lbs, I was without a period again. I tend to think that 1) In some people (like me and maybe you too) periods just take a long time to come back; 2) period isn't perfectly tied to weight. It's also tied to how much healthy fat intake you have in your diet. It's tied to how much exercise you do. It's tied to how consistent you are in your eating.

I don't know if any of that helps... but wanted to share in case it is helpful

Carrie Arnold said...

If you figure out a way to bottle that feeling, let me know because I definitely want to buy some. Eau de Cammy perhaps?

Best of luck as you keep trudging along- I think you are making tons of progress, even if you don't see it right away.

Kim said...

Ya, I've seen that I can use my routine-mentality to my advantage. Now, exercising less is a routine. NOT counting so much (calories, etc) is a routine.

With the period issue, I do think it's pretty tied to healthy weight, for the most part. Of course, there are physical issues that come into play that could inhibit your cycle from getting going. Your doctor can probably give you some guidance there. I've always used my period as a yardstick, then figured I need about 10 pounds beyond that. My period came back at a lower weight than I thought, but I have a feeling it's related to my diet. I get plenty of fat now (more than the RDA, actually), whereas I used to restrict that. My dr. said that could be why.
Lastly, I think trudging along is progress sometimes!
Enjoy time with Match :)