Road Forward

Ok, I am jumping on the bandwagon to review my 2009. I have had some MAJOR life changes, and it has definitely been a milestone year in many ways. Although there have no doubt been rocky times, I feel like overall I have been/am moving in a positive direction. The road through recovery is paved with obstacles, no doubt, but I am doing my best to make sure it's a one-way street. I'll be a total sheep and make a Top 10 list for significant events that occurred over the past 12 months [Edit: OK, I tried to keep it to 10, but there were some things I couldn't not include, so you get two bonus ones]:

In 2009, I....

1. Graduated from college.

2. Moved to a new city to start graduate school. The adjustment has been pretty difficult, not to graduate school per say, I'm doing well academically/professionally and love my research, but I definitely do not like my new city/community as well as my undergrad school/city. But I have a great adviser, and getting the first semester of classes out of the way so I can start focusing more on my research is a help. I feel like things are looking up.

3. Left my beloved therapist of almost 2 years and started seeing someone new.

4. Lost 2 pets (cat and snake, I was actually more attached to the latter).

5. Fumbled around with a sort of almost kind of relationship over the summer, it did not work out but I definitely learned from it.

6. Got rid of my treadmill. I did major damage to my knees with obsessive running, although I hope I can get to a physical and mental point in recovery where I can take running up again, responsibly this time.

6. Learned that my dad will be deployed to Afghanistan in 2010, and that my middle/high school boyfriend was going to Iraq (he is there right now).

7. Continued to improve my relationship with my brothers. They are 14 and 16, and the older one especially has his challenging moments, but this Christmas went amazingly well. I am incredibly proud of them and am glad we are at a point where we are able to communicate about important issues and enjoy each other so much. I know they don't read this, but just in spirit, I heart you, baby bros, and I will always be your big sis no matter how tall you grow (they are now at 6'4" and 5'11"!)

8. Met a great guy in my new city this fall and am in a real relationship for the first time in about 4 years. I had some doubts about "us" at first, but that was my disordered side playing mind games, and I am SO thankful now that I overcame that and did not let it ruin this for me. He is smart, sweet, funny, and supportive. Things are progressing very nicely and I feel incredibly lucky to have him.

9. Gained weight in a continual glacial movement towards my mandated "goal", made progress with loosening up on eating and exercise routines.

10. Became a godmother and fell madly in love with this sweet, incredible, perfect, brand-new little human.

11. Aged out of my parents' medical insurance policy,

was denied by 3 companies due to my ED history, finally found someone to take me, although they are charging criminal rates and do not cover mental health services (funny, anorexia is important enough to cause me to be denied but not important enough to be treated?). Health premiums ironically left me unable to afford therapy, but my new therapist went to bat for me and got me a super-reduced rate, which is awesome.

12. Started fieldwork in an amazing new country; with which I am totally in love and plan to move someday when I am retired and either a) rich enough to move to a tropical nation or b) so poor I have to move to developing nation. Tomato, tomahto, either works and either way, I win. ;)

Happy 2010 everyone! I cannot express how much your comments and support have meant to me over the past 18 or so months of this blog, and I can truly say that I would not be in the same place if it were not for both your feedback and the inspiration I get from reading about your own journeys. If you are a reader but tend not to comment, I hope that I get the chance to "meet" you and learn more about you in the coming year.

Much love,

Cammy

Relatively Intact

So, X-ray results are in, it looks like I am relatively intact. They were afraid that I had might have some hairline compression fractures in my cervical verts, but the good news is that my back is NOT broken. Woot for an intact spine. The bad news is that I apparently do have a hairline fracture in my wrist (thank you, Jiffy Pop bones) and some compressed disks, which were the cause of my chest pain in some weird anatomical way that I haven't tried to map out.

The other bad news: the X-rays show that I apparently already have signs of osteoarthritis in my upper back. Thanks, anorexia, I hate you too.

I was severely admonished for traveling back from another hemisphere, going through the holidays, and making another long car drive/luggage hauling expedition before being seen. Now I am not supposed to be doing any lifting/carrying for a week or two, although in practicality this would be difficult to adhere to in full. And I am prohibited from traveling, which means my upcoming cross-country trip is off. Thank goodness I paid extra for the refundable plane ticket, or I would be out over $600. I am bummed because I was going to 1) a big conference, 2) check out a school that I am interested in for my PhD program, 3) visit with family members I have not seen in literally over two decades. So frustrating that a fall that took less than a second can mess up so many plans.

I have a wrist splint, which apparently only came in Cat Puke color.

Match assured me it is Ultra Hott, but methinks that after two weeks of being apart he is probably attention-starved enough to be slightly delusional about these things, much to my advantage.

More later.

OK, I Cave

I am posting this from my phone in the waiting room of the doctor's office, I finally decided to cave in and come in to get looked at. I kept telling myself it was just soreness that would go away if I ignored it, but that is not happening, apparently. I drove home from my parents' house (about 5 hours) yesterday and really aggravated my wrist dragging all my luggage, etc up to my second floor apartment. Then I was freaking brilliant and decided I just needed to get the muscles warm/stretched out so I proceeded to do my cardio DVD for the first time since before my research trip. I have had a lot of painful workouts during my tenure as an obsessive exerciser, I used to have to routinely throw away workout clothes because of bloodstains. But dear god, last night was bad. Why didn't I stop? If I could answer questions like that, my world would be a fundamentally different place, wouldn't it? Plus I had had one of those days where it randomly seemed like a good idea to halve my calories. I told myself I was trying Intuitive Eating, I truly was only hungry for X, but honestly it was an easy excuse to restrict.

Anyway, I await the doctor, expecting to just be given a referral for an X-ray and sent somewhere else, we'll see. I am going to another conference on the opposite side of the country on Sunday, I don't have time to be hurt!

Holiday Wrap-Up

Well, I made it through. Heading home tomorrow. Chest is feeling a little better, although still painful. Hoping it is just a muscle thing that will go away in time, but will still probably call my doc tomorrow.

Major fatish feeling from lack of exercise, and sort of restricted yesterday, definitely today. Have munched on Christmas cookies, etc, though, which I never would have done in the past, but used them as substitutes for other typical foods (ie having a cookie for breakfast instead of toast) so that hasn't been a source of increased calories overall. I have definitely noticed that even when I'm slipping a little, my behaviors and overall experience are so much better than in previous years. I have most definitely had anxiety over the exercise stuff, but I have been surprised because it has been less intense than I would have expected. Holidays are still rocky, but are getting better and better all the time.

My brothers were in a really rocky stage last Christmas, and it was extremely tense at times. This year has been worlds better, I thoroughly enjoyed them both. My mom is my best friend, and I've had a great time with her, as always. My dad worships the ground that my mom and I walk on, and is never ashamed to show it. I am so thankful for my family. One of my top favorite things about recovery is being able to relax and spend more time enjoying them.

Interestingly, my family seems to have changed how they act around the ED issues too. In previous years, my parents made a big deal about always sitting with me when I ate, insisting it was to keep me company, not to keep an eye on me. This year it seems to be the opposite, they have left me alone and not made an effort to be in the same room at meal times. I have to wonder if it's because they worry less about it now that I'm "big enough" (they have always had a hard time grasping that external recovery may or may not reflect internal status), but whether that is true or not, I'm sort of just relieved to be left to my own devices. They have very casual eating patterns, so it's normal for someone to have something when others don't, which makes it less stressful for me to make my own meals, in some ways, although a little more stressful in others. I love my family dearly and have enjoyed them over Christmas, but I'll be glad to be in my own space again soon.

Did the post-Christmas sales with my mom yesterday. I love our "Girls' Day Out" sessions, but trying on clothes is such a huge trigger for me, and I felt pretty glum by the end of the day, it definitely contributed to my lack of appetite today.

Ok, getting up for a long drive tomorrow so I better go. Overall, successful holiday. Could have handled some things better, but looking back over the years, the trend is positive.

Owie

So I am thinking maybe this chest injury is not going to just go away on its own. Hard to tell if it's getting worse, but definitely not improving. I tried lying flat on my back on the floor earlier, and the pain was literally breath-taking, I was honestly not sure if I was going to be able to get back up. It feels like the muscles/ligaments that attach to my sternum. I'll be back to my own town on Monday, hopefully my doc can get me in for an X-ray or something.

I am headed out for another big trip in a little over a week, I don't need this right now!

Jingle Bells, Anxiety Hells (?)

I am not quite sure how I feel about things right now. Like I mentioned earlier, my dear friend J. is having Christmas with my family this year. I thought that would be helpful, because I tend to regress majorly with the ED stuff when I stay at my family's house, but now I really can't tell if it is making things better or worse.

1) He is timid about asking for food or eating too much in a house that is not his, so I feel like I am always the one initiating food events, which makes me self-conscious.

2) My family has absolutely no structure to their eating. They nibble and graze and snack and just eat whatever and whenever strikes their fancy. We will have one formal sit-down meal for Christmas today, but that's it. Basically, they are all intuitive eaters to the max, but that makes it really difficult for me because now that I'm out of fieldwork mode and back to domestication, I am having a hard time with "shoulds" when it comes to food, and the continuous stream of munching from everyone around me makes me question whether I'm really hungry or just want food because someone else has it.

3) Exercise, exercise, exercise. Having J. here makes me feel very guilty if I sneak away to my room for even 15 minutes. So yesterday I had almost no "formal" exercise, although we walked the dogs (he has his here along with G. and my parents' dog) for miles and miles, and then ran errands at a couple of stores, did some cooking/decorating, and other things that kept us on our feet.In this case, J's presence is probably good for resisting ED but bad for my anxiety.

4) I also managed to fall down and hurt myself the last day on the trial. I have a light sprain in my wrist and this weird thing with the tendons that connect my ribs to my sternum. I didn't know you COULD sprain them, but apparently I have and it is the most annoying thing ever, for a few days it even hurt to draw in deep breaths. Now it just hurts if I bend backwards, bend forwards, move my arms laterally, or reach across, up, down, or twist my torso around. This is making me move a little bit like an old lady, despite gobbling double doses of Aleve several times a day. Technically I have workouts I know that I COULD do if I really tried.

MAJOR ANXIETY AND FATISHNESS FEELING. But only sometimes. Other times I am amazed at how calm I feel about the situation. Like now. I woke up early to work out, but I'm sore and tired and fired up the internet instead of playing the cardio DVD on my laptop. And I think I'll be ok. But then I have short bursts of panic/guilt over it. Argh.

I've sort of compensated with food, but did have cookies, wine, cheese, etc last night in a Christmas Eve splurge. I am not sure how I feel about that. J. is leaving tomorrow morning, and then I'll feel more free, and I keep telling myself that taking just a few days off is not going to change my weight that much. And honestly, I was down a few pounds when I got back from my trip (separate post on that at some point in the near future), so I know that it's not the end of the world even if I did gain some.

Ok, just needed to vent that out. By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I am trying super hard to push the ED thoughts away and enjoy the holiday with loved ones, and I hope you are too, you deserve it, my lovely friends! Your support and watching you fight for your own recoveries are the best gifts I could have asked for this year.

Back! Did you forget me yet?

Hey all, I have returned, just in time for Navidad! This will be a quick post, I am majorly sleep deprived from traveling. But overall trip was FANTASTIC. Eating was a little rocky the first few days, but once I got into the swing of things I did a great job of listening to my body and relaxing about calorie counts. The country I visited was way more amazing than I ever expected, I truly did not want to leave. Back down in a few months and I can't wait!

It wasn't the best exercise in reducing exercise, because the work was pretty substantial and I know I pushed myself more than necessary. But I did break patterns (no workouts before breakfast or after dinner). And I broke tons of food "rules" and patterns. I am always amazed at how well my appetite regulates itself (according to activity level) when I actually give it a chance. I am hoping I can carry some of that intuitiveness over to "real life" now that I'm home. A real challenge will be keeping that up now that I am at my parent's house for the holidays and am not hiking for hours and hours every day.

I really cannot remember the last time I was so happy for so many days in a row as I have been for the last 10 days. I love love love my research and this new country that I have "discovered", and it is so nice to have something that blows the ED out of the water in terms of priorities.

I"ll update soon, but for those that won't be around much over the next few days, I hope everyone has a great Christmas, be safe in your travels and treat yourselves for the holiday, you deserve it!

Adios, mis amores!

I hope this works, posting from my phone. I'm boarding my plane in a few minutes and just wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement and incredible support. I wish you all knew how much you've helped to keep me motivated and moving in the right direction. I hope your holiday season goes well, please take care and treat yourselves kindly, I will be thinking of you! <3

Big Deep Breath

Ok, down to the wire for this trip. I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to another state, stay the night with another researcher, then we fly out the next morning for our trip. I'm currently having the same old Pre-Travel Anxiety Flood that I have come to expect and accept. I know it will dissipate as soon as I'm on the road (for some reason it's not the travel that stresses me, it's the preparation and anxiety over forgetting something, etc), so I'm just riding it out.

I really, really need to do well on this trip. I don't talk about many details of my work, but I think that it's sufficient to say that this basically represents what I have been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl. Going to these kinds of places, learning about this kind of thing, being that person out there having adventures, it's all I've ever wanted. I've worked on similar projects before, but always as an assistant, this is the first time it is 100% "my" project. And I am thrilled beyond words.

And I have to keep the ED out of my f*ing way while I do it. This is where I am able to see the line between "should" and "need." It's not that I just know I should do this for myself, it's that I know that I need to, for the sake of my research, my co-workers, and myself. Of course it's not that that line doesn't always exist, one always "needs" to take good care of themself, but with the ED it's easy to see that as an optional "should" and just file recovery away on the To-Do list to tackle sometime in the indefinite future.

I need to do well physically, because it's going to be very physically demanding. Hard work in hard environment. I need to do well mentally, because I love this stuff and I want to enjoy it, be able to focus on what I'm doing, and have fun with the people I'm working with.

I am a little stressed about food already, because the site will have a cook making food for everyone, no options or chances to choose meals. Plus the offerings are pretty much rice at every meal, including breakfast. I loves me some carbs, don't get me wrong (I need this shirt), but rice and pasta are things I have a hard time with if I'm not the one to prepare it. I get worried about what they "snuck" in there. Also, I have a hard time because it's not served in discrete units. You can't say I ate a rice, or two rices, like you can with pieces of bread, tortillas, etc, it's just "how big of a blob did I just have, where do I stop? Difficult when my hunger/satiety signals are still out of whack, and also a major challenge to my tendency to measure things meticulously. I know you can eyeball portions, and I'm good at that, but it still, lack of absolute precision makes me anxious. So, big opportunity to challenge those aspects of the ED, or at least that's how I'm trying to look at it. I'm taking a generous stash of granola bars, protein bars, oatmeal, etc etc to have as alternatives, although I am limited due to weight constraints for my luggage, with all the equipment I'm also taking down.

The whole thing reminds reminds me of part of the song "Sympathy" by the Goo-Goo Dolls (video here, specific lines bolded below), which has always been one of my favorites from my recovery soundtrack. (Someone remind me, when I'm back, to post an updated version of that playlist, I have close to 40 songs now). I have a lot of regrets from events that I have missed out on, trips I haven't taken, experiences I turned down, people I kept myself distanced from, all for the sake of this disorder. And I cannot let life slip past me anymore, I've worked too hard to get this far--academically and professionally--to then just let the disorder ride my back the whole time and ruin everything.

So, big deep breath.

"Sympathy"

Stranger than your sympathy

This is my apology

I'm killing myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need

All I wanted

And what I chase won't set me free

All I wanted

And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah

Everything's all wrong yeah

Where the hell did I think I was?

Stranger than your sympathy

I take these things so I don't feel

I'm killing myself from the inside out

Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose

All I wanted

When all your luck's run out on you

All I wanted

You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah

You choke on the regrets yeah

Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy

All these thoughts you stole from me

I'm not sure where I belong

Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things

I tried to make believe I was

And I wouldn't be the one to kneel

Before the dreams I wanted

And all the talk and all the lies

Were all the empty things disguised as me

Body Blahs

Major, major body discomfort for the past few days. I feel like I am turning into a gelatinous lipid-filled balloon. Most of this is focused on my stomach, I am so ultra-paranoid about my belly. I know fat isn't supposed to be a "feeling", but I can damn well feel it when I bend over and I feel gut hanging over my belt. I have always thought that the "no fat feeling" was pretty much a semantic issue; there is a difference between "feeling" as in emotions and "feeling" as in sensations.

Logically, I know my weight hasn't been higher this week, according to the scale (I have done less than stellar w/the less frequent weighings that I promised C at my last session). Eating and exercise have been same ole same ole. Well, even less eating yesterday. And today.

But I am leaving for a big trip at the end of the week and *know* that I need my body to be strong for it, so I'm also frustrated and resentful that I really don't have the option of cutting back much right now. The last thing I need to do before going to stay in primitive tropical conditions is to weaken my muscles, immune system, etc.

Methinks I need to talk to C. about how being more physical with Match may be making me more self-conscious about my body. I don't think that is the reason I've had a rough time with body image this week, but it is an area that can be affected when I'm already struggling.

Weight Gain and Image Insecurity, Part 2: Identity Crisis

I was a little nervous writing my last post on image issues associated with weight gain; I was very afraid as coming off as shallow. No, looks are not everything to me, or even very much at all, but it's one of those sniggly little things that ED does to try to throw a wrench in the gears of recovery. I had some great responses to the post, though, and wanted to do a follow up post with some more thoughts on the issue.

I think that one thing that is important for people who may not have experienced an ED to remember is that weight gain can really make your body look/feel foreign for a while, until your brain has a chance to start recognizing the "new you." (See the lowdown on body image vs body schema here). I think that many of my failed stabs at recovery have resulted from putting on a little weight, then freaking the hell out and relapsing because I just did not give myself enough time to adjust to how my "new body" felt.

In that same vein, if someone has been dealing with an ED for years, or even decades, and especially if their ED started in early adolescence, it is entirely possible that someone may not know/remember what they really look like as a healthy adult.

That is one thing I definitely struggle with. When I look at pictures of myself taken over the last year or so, I still sort of do a double-take, because it really does not look like the me that I have seen in the mirror for so many years. It's not a drastic change, mind you, but my face has filled out enough for me to notice.

And if it doesn't look like me, who does it look like?

My biological father, that's who. And that, honestly, pisses me off in ways that I cannot articulate. About 99% of the pictures that I have of him are from when he was exactly the age that I am now (he was 22 when I was born and 24 when we finally left him). And seriously, if you photoshopped together pictures of us both at age 23, we could pass as twins (although I have to admit it's slightly interesting to see what I would have looked like if my second X chromosome had lost a leg). I don't recall exactly how much I have discussed him on this blog, but he is Not a Good Guy, and I prefer to have as little association with him as possible. I have always had his eyes and nose, but now that my face is also starting to show the same overall shape as his, I hate it more and more. Every time I glance at a photo or see myself in the mirror and see "his" face, I really just want to rip the image to shreds.

But even if I didn't bear such a close resemblance to someone for whom I have such negative associations, it is just plain strange to look at a photo of yourself and think "Damn, that is NOT what I am supposed to look like." Friends and family may think you look great, look beautiful, look healthy, but in your mind it is just alien, and more a little unnerving.

I had a friend in college with an ED, and almost all of her pictures on Facebook are from healthier times, when she was at a higher weight than I have ever seen her in real life. Truly, she was so gorgeous when she was healthier. I always wished I could make her see that, how perfect she looked when she was healthy, and how all the energy she was putting into the disease was making her neither healthy nor happy nor beautiful nor safe. What is the payoff supposed to be, again?

One last anecdote, because this is getting long: when I first started gaining weight, just feeling my body move differently was a very strange experience. Now, my body just feels like my body, for the most part, and I'm not as hyperconscious of every wiggling and different sensation as it moves. I do not want to be as thin as I was 2 years ago. My body didn't "feel thin" back then, it just felt sick. But in the beginning, just temporarily but long enough to be scary, it may truly feel like your own flesh is someone else's clothing you put on by mistake. So combine this sensory confusion with the emotional turmoil about giving up a lifestyle that--however disordered--is all you've had to cling to for months, years, decades, and it's little wonder that people go through slippages and relapses on the path to true health.

Recovery is hard work, damnit.

It's ok to admit that, as long as you realize that at least this hard work pays off, whereas an ED is hard work too, but it's work that is robbing you all the while.

I've gotten off topic, I think, so to bring back continuity at the end:

1) Beauty goes beyond your physical appearance (see title of this blog)

2) You are most beautiful when you are most healthy. This applies to many aspects of beauty that are more than skin deep. It takes a while to see that, but don't lose patience with yourself.

Intuitive Eating and Disorder Analogy

I had a sessions with both C. and my dietitian (ok, new character in my alphabet soup, dietitian is "D") yesterday. These back-to-back sessions are most time efficient for me, in terms of scheduling, but it definitely gives me a shit-ton to think about all at once. Especially since both of them seem to be putting considerable effort into challenging me and shaking my brain around to dislodge ingrained ED thoughts.

It's interesting, because C. and D. are not always precisely on the same page, especially when it comes to intuitive eating. (I don't mean to say they contradict each other, but their approaches are sometimes different). C. thinks I'm definitely not ready for it right now (I tend to agree), but D. thinks it would be a good idea for me to at least give it a shot on a trial basis.

I am pretty self-conscious about the volume of food that I eat in a day. I am eating about a normal amount for someone my age/height (although not scaled up for my X hours of exercise), and it makes me physically uncomfortable to consume that much, even though my meal plan has been the same for about a year now. I know that if I were freelancing it and just eating what it took to satisfy me, my calorie intake would plummet. I told D. that much, and she came up with a good analogy, to basically point out that being free with eating doesn't entitle you to freefall.

She used the example of a sleep disorder. If I had severe insomnia or some other sleep pathology, I'd be working with a doctor and/or therapist to establish certain routines and strategies to encourage normal sleeping patterns. Sleep is not one of those things that you normally measure and track right down to the second, in the way that we often micromanage calories. But say I have a sleep disorder, it is 4 AM and I have to get up for class the next morning, but I am wide awake. Just because I'm not tired, does that mean it's ok for me to say "screw it, I'm just staying up, my body must be some miracle of nature that defies the laws of physics and physiology and runs on an indefinite sleep deficit"? No. It's my responsibility as a participant in my treatment to recognize what a healthy decision would be an implement the strategies my doctor had recommended to at least try to sleep.

So, directly translate that to ED. If it is late afternoon and I have only had X calories in a day, despite exercising, working in lab, etc, and yet I'm still not all that hungry, is it ok for me to say "well I'm not hungry, so my body doesn't need the food. Look, I'm eating intuitively!"? Nope. Just like an insomniac with a scrambled sleep cycle, my body is still learning how to sort out its signals. So intuitive eating does indeed involve listening to your body, but also staying aware of your needs and not letting them slip through the cracks while you're still regaining equilibrium.

I was glad she addressed the issue like that, because that is a trap that I can easily see myself falling into. Actually I don't have to imagine it, that's the trap I DO fall into very often when I travel (ie, the conference I went to last month). I can't weigh/measure/calculate everything that goes into my mouth when I'm on the road, but if I try to just eat what I "want" I end up in serious deficit.

I'm still not quite reading to switch into IE mode at home, but starting next week, I'm going to be making one international and two domestic trips within the space of one month. I'm really trying to get a handle on this before I hit the road and leap way out of my comfort zone. So I'm sort of going to be doing my own version of a '30 Days' episode with trying to listen to my body and not let myself slip. Part of that time will be in an equatorial environment at a semi-high altitude, both of which are huge appetite-killers for me, so I'm really going to try to keep in mind what D. said about listening to your body but not being afraid to talk back to it as well.

Christmas Cheer

Just a quick post on my way out the door to lab: J. is going to come have Christmas with my family this year! His family lives overseas, so he is always orphaned on holidays. I tend to have a ton of ED anxiety when I stay with my family, so hopefully a fringe benefit to this visit will be that it will provide distraction from that. Beyond that, though, I am just happy I'll get to spend some time with him. So, good news!

I have a ton of posts floating around in my head, but I am preparing for my trip to Research Country next week and life is crazy right now. Plan to do a follow up to my last post soon.

Weight Gain and Image Insecurity

I think I have discussed this before, but one of my major mindblocks to gaining weight is that being thin is a compensation for not feeling pretty. I have always been really self-conscious about my looks, and I think that very early on, I adopted the mindset that "If I can't be pretty, at least I will be thin."

Of course this backfires, because starvation is gruesome rather than gorgeous. An ED will put your body through hell, and your looks reflect that. Still, it's amazingly hard to shake the mantra that being thin means being pretty, at whatever cost. Or that gaining weight will automatically make you unattractive, even if the weight was greatly needed for health.

Thus, as I've restored weight, I have had a very hard time, because it's like giving up whatever band-aid I had put on my image insecurity. I'm still trying to figure out ways to remedy this for myself. I know that outfits look cuter when the clothing actually fits you, rather than hanging off. I know that visible veins are not attractive. I know that thinning hair is not too sexy.

But still, when I'm getting ready to meet new people, go on a date, etc etc, I get nervous about how I look and immediately I feel as though I've gained 10 pounds overnight. Or vice versa: if I can tell that I've gained weight, I conclude everything else about me is ugly too. I can't control the shape of my nose or the texture of my hair or anything else, but the weight I can change at will, so that's what I focus on, I suppose.

I think that it's not too uncommon, even for non-eating disordered people, to have absorbed the message that thin = beauty, or is at least a decent substitute. It's funny how we let one serve as a proxy for the other.

In addition, I think it is one of those ideas that we are much quicker to apply yp oursleves than to others around us. I can think of many ads with superthin models that I really do not think have pretty faces, I would never have picked them out on the street as model material. And vice versa, I have seen/met many overweight women that I thought were beautiful. People are people, basically, in all shapes and forms.

Of course, one obvious remedy is to remember that external image is only a small part of who we are. Weighing X or Y does not diminish other talents or attributes. Having Jennifer Aniston's hair will not automatically make you witty, charming, or otherwise successful. There are many other things that count for way more. At least that is what I'm trying to remember when I walk out the door every morning.

I am afraid, reading back over this post, that I've come across as really shallow. Just for the record, it is NOT that I think beauty is of utmost importance. It is really irrelevant to most skills and talents. But feeling good about yourself is undeniably nice also, is my point. Maybe not necessary, but definitely a nice luxury. And the second point is that using ED behaviors to compensate for anxiety about other aspects of appearance--real or imagined--is not a trivial issue. I'm supposed to be identifying "recovery obstacles" as homework for therapy, and this was one that popped into mind. What are your thoughts/experiences with this issue, any specific strategies that have worked for you?