Stressful Week, Awesome Day

This is an hellaciously stressful week (three papers, final exam, three presentations, grant application, etc all due), but today was actually an exceptionally good day. I just was feeling so positive and excited that I wanted to share, since y'all put up with so much of my whining and venting about bad days.

--Had a final exam with a super unfair professor, but I felt like I did well with all the questions. No idea how he will grade it, but I did absolutely as well as I could have, and didn't feel like anything caught me off guard. And am now DONE with that class!!!

--After a chilly weekend, it was sunny and 72 degrees. Maybe this seems trivial, but my mood is hugely affected by weather, especially during the winter when days are so short.

--Got to teach my adviser's -ology class for him. I taught at my undergrad university, but it was labs with short (15 minutish) intro lectures that had the material already outlined. This was a full 50 minute lecture that I had to do from scratch. It ate up most of my time over Thanksgiving break, but I think it went really well!!! The class was responsive and engaged, and my professor was complimentary and said he wants to make a habit of using me from now on.

I really, really love how I feel when I am teaching. It's like for that class period, just temporarily, I become the person that I really want to be. I'm very passionate about my area of research, and I want to make other people to see why it's so worthwhile, so I really try to convey its awesomeness to the fullest extent that I can. It's hard to explain, but it really puts me on Cloud 9, and I love interacting with students. Granted, at this stage they're only a couple of years younger than me, but that doesn't really intimidate me, and I'm very comfortable with public speaking.

So, good news, I am feeling very happy this evening, enough of an outlier on the Cammy Mood-o-meter that I thought it warranted a mention. Still lots of things left to do and stress over, but that's part of this time of semester. ED-wise I have actually done very poorly today, but I am hoping that the mood-boosters I got will help me get a better grip on that for the rest of the week.

Also, I now have a "Cammy" account on Twitter, so e-mail or add me if you're on there as well!

Give and Receive

First of all, I hope everyone had a fantabulous Thanksgiving! Again, this blog community was definitely on my list of things to be thankful for this year.

Yesterday felt like a big victory for me, I actually did Thanksgiving way better than I expected. Definitely the best one I have had...since I can remember, really.

I actually spent a large part of the day just working. I'm unbelievably swamped in end-of-semester-hellacraziness right now (3 papers, 3 presentations, a grant deadline and a huge exam all concentrated into Monday and Tuesday of next week). So I didn't make the 5 hour drive home to spend the holiday with my family. Match invited me to come on the 1 hour trip with him to eat with his family, my professor invited me to his house with some other guests, and a group of other grad students were having a get-together, so there were various options. I chose to go to the grad student one, because 1) it wasn't until 6, giving me the day to work, 2) it was closest, minimizing time on the road, 3) I am trying not to fall into the trap of letting Match be my entire social net in my new town.

So, fairly average day, normal breakfast and lunch. The one non-victory was that did not do my exercise-cutting goals, I was too busy thinking about my work and the upcoming evening to feel like spending mental energy on dealing with that. But exercise did not INCREASE from baseline to "make up" for calories I had not eaten yet (and probably would not eat at all, in the end), as I have done on innumerable holidays in the past.

I wasn't nervous at all until about an hour before I had to leave, when the usual panic about leaving comfort of evening routine set in. It wasn't so much anxiety over going to the Thanksgiving dinner, it was anxiety about not staying home. Does that make sense? In other words, not doing normal routine is more prominent in the stressage than actually going to the party. I'm not shy, I'm just pathologically attached to routines. I'm not worried that I'm going to overeat--if there is anything I am confident in, it is my ability to limit calories when I want to. It's not that I'm worried about not knowing what food would be available, because I knew ahead of time who was bringing what to the dinner (we had sign-ups).

But stepping out of the normal comfort zone and breaking routine is like being a deer in the path of semi-truck headlights, for reasons I still really don't understand.

And I had just suffered through trying on outfits I haven't worn since last holiday season, to find that a few favorites are just a smidge too snug now. GREAT. In a nutshell, major stress. Huge temptation to just back out. Wondering why I even try to be a real human doing real human things.

But I just rode it out. I had another session with my new dietitian (who I like more and more with every visit) last week, and we talked about just taking it for granted that my anxiety would shoot up in situations like this, but that it will indeed come down. She emphasized that using ED behaviors to deal with stress is really not appeasing the anxiety, it's appeasing the ED, which lets the disease win.

So I called my grandparents to chat while driving over to the friend's house, to distract myself and remind myself of more important things than ED urges.

I got there at 6, turkey was supposed to be ready at 7. I was still fully considering just picking at food, then leaving by around 8 to get home and have a latish but not devastatingly off-track dinner of my normal type. But there were delays in getting everything on the table, and we didn't even start eating til 7:45. My anxiety rose and rose until I finally realized it wasn't going to be feasible to leave early without seeming weird, and I just resigned myself to the fact that yes, now, you are going to do this and eat here. Now figure out what you'll eat and deal with it.

And then I was calm. I tried a little bit of a bunch of dishes and had decent portions of the main things. It is so rare for me to be in a situation where I don't know the calorie counts of foods, but I'm good at ballparking and was comfortable with what I hate. I did not restrict. I was full but not stuffed. I had no guilt afterwards. I met new people and had a good time talking, joking, etc without being distracted with worry about the food.

I was, dare I even suggest it, normal for a couple of hours? Gasp.

I ended up staying til around 9:30. Then, to cap off the novelty of the night, I called Match to see if he was home from his family's house, and if he was up for company. Note: Cammy does NOT do spontaneity. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am the least spur-of-the-moment person you will ever find. But I wanted to see Match, knew I was going to be busy for the next few days, and was already out and about and dressed nicely. So why not? So I went over to his place for a couple of hours, and had a great time.

I am not trying to toot my own horn here, but I was immeasurably proud of myself. Sitting in that house with the huge holiday meal, surrounded by other people, I ate what I wanted, felt fine about it, and enjoyed myself. It was a huge confidence-booster for me. Usually I am a spectacular failure at every opportunity to rise to a challenge and prove to myself that I can shed the ED, even temporarily. But last night I beat the hell out of the challenge.

And thus, on a day set aside for giving thanks, I also received hope.

On the Bandwagon

So, I am the 298347th person to do this, but I have been thinking quite a bit about what I have to be thankful for, and felt it would be helpful to write it out. I spend so many days just wrapped up in day-to-day stresses and pressures (many of which are self-created), and I know I don't look at the big picture frequently enough.

So, without further adieu, and in no particular order:

• I am thankful that my grandparents were healthy enough to make it to my graduation in May. They are two of the most important people to me, hands down. My mom and I lived with them for a few years after we ran away from my biological dad, and so we've always had a special bond. I have no idea who I would be if it had not been for their support, love, and wisdom throughout my life.

• I am thankful that my mom started back to law school this fall. She put that dream on hold for 15 years, so that she could put my dad's career first and invest more time in us kids, and I'm glad she is doing this for herself now.

• I am thankful that I have a boyfriend that accepts me for who I am, "issues" included, and treats me incredibly well. We seem to be on the same page about our pacing, etc, and I'm extremely comfortable with him. I am thankful that he makes me laugh so many times a day. I am thankful that, for some reason I cannot fathom, he seems to care about me a lot, and while I don't understand it at all, it's nice. :)

• I am thankful that my bone density has improved over the last 18 months.

• I am thankful for my friend J. I haven't mentioned him much on here lately, I don't think. We live about 7 hours apart now, but are in touch via text/email/FB daily. He has been the most amazing source of support while I have gotten settled in here, I truly don't deserve a friend like him.

• I'm thankful that I have found a therapist that is willing to go to bat for me. I am thankful that she knows that I need pushed, and isn't shy about doing it

• I am thankful that my Dad has a stable job.

• I am thankful for my dog, who could not be a better fit for me if I'd ordered him out of a catalog. Woot for pound puppies!

• I am thankful for my major professor, who is a great mentor and is putting considerable time, money, and effort into helping me get my thesis project up and running.

• I am thankful that I live in a country in which I am able to pursue an education and career of my choosing.

• I am thankful for white-chocolate coconut peanut butter, and coffee, and cinnamon raisin bread.

• I am thankful for my ultra-warm down jacket, that keeps me comfortable even on frosty mornings walking G.

• I am thankful that my baby brothers are growing into such fine young men.

• I am thankful for the treefrogs that live on my front porch, and never fail to make me smile.

• I am thankful that I am the most physically healthy that I have been in years, and that my brain and body seem to be able to forgive me for the years of abuse. Slowly but surely. Still have a road ahead, but trying to learn from each mistake.

• I am thankful for all of the people I have met through this blog, you are such an incredible group of people, I cannot express how much your comments mean to me, and how much I value reading your blogs as well. I am so thankful that this little blog community is so healthy and supportive, I have no idea what this recovery endeavor of mine would have been like without you all.

• I am thankful that I am thankful. I hope this makes sense: I don't think I was ungrateful for things before, but for so many years, holidays were just a time of increased stress and anxiety, and I rarely took time to reflect on the meaning of the whole thing. I'm thankful that there is less of that noise in my mind now, so I can really appreciate the many positive aspects of my life. It's good to be reminded of what I'm fighting for.

Please take care, treat yourselves kindly tomorrow and every day. Happy Thanksgiving.

Update on the Quest for Therapy Coverage

So, I had a rough appointment with C. today. Rough in a raw beneficial kind of way, this lady is kicking my ass in a way that, deep down, I wish someone had done years ago. It is stressing me a good deal, making me think a lot, pushing me in a direction I know I *should* be moving. I have some major exercise challenges to try to accomplish this week, and am really unsure of how this will go. I told her that after the slippage at the conference last week, I'm starting to lose confidence that I will ever really be free of this. Her response: "That's odd. Because I'm actually gaining confidence in you each week." I don't know WHAT Cammy she is seeing, but I wish I could peer through her lenses once in a while. More on that stuff later.

The most important part of today's session: C. talked to Powers That Be at the clinic, and she convinced them that from now on I will only need to pay $20 per session! I am so happy! This means I can afford to pay for it on my own. My parents are super-strapped for money right now, so not having to ask them for something I know they can't afford is a huge relief. Awesome early Christmas present!

RecoverED Therapist

I always tend to assume that most professionals that treat EDs have some personal connection to the issue, whether they themselves experienced an eating disorder or were close to someone who did. I typically try to be careful about not stereotyping people or jumping to conclusions, but I will admit that this is one thing I usually just take for granted.

The new ED clinic that I have been going to (outpatient) in my new city is staffed entirely by women, most of them who look to be in their mid-30's or younger. So I will admit, I do tend to wonder about their histories. It honestly does not bother me, I would never think that someone wasn't qualified to treat EDs because of their own struggles (quite the opposite, actually). And I would expect and hope they are responsible enough--for the sake of themselves and others--to make sure they are stable and and are not going to be negatively affected by interacting with ED clients. So, no question of competency.

Still, I am incurably curious, it is an irrepressible part of my nature. So about 3 weeks ago, when C. and I were having a difficult session and I felt like I was having a hard time communicating what I was feeling, for some reason I just felt like seeing if I could push through that wall with her. So I just asked, simply, "Have you ever had an eating disorder?"

She didn't even hesitate. "I sure have."

Then she told me just a little bit about her history (nothing explicit, just basic X number of years, X years since recovery). I don't even know if she was anorexic or bulimic, I didn't ask; it didn't seem relevant.

For some reason, though, it immediately made me more comfortable with her. It takes quite a while for me to break down the walls I build and really connect with people, but I think this helped. Now remember, I had pretty much assumed she had at least some ED history all along. But for some reason the fact that she was willing to be candid with me made me feel much more connected.

Interestingly, she said her last recovery was 8 years ago, while she was in grad school, which means our EDness (I totally made that term up but hope you get what I mean) actually overlapped a bit, which is strange to think about. Although I would have been 15 and she would have been 26, so much different circumstances at the time.

I know that some people might think that knowing personal information about a therapist could be negative, could inspire competitive thoughts, etc. And in some cases, maybe it would. But somehow it made me almost instantly feel more comfortable being open with her. Also, it seemed to open another door in terms of the advice and insights she could offer, because now occasionally she will share something that she did/thought etc during her own recovery. Of course we don't talk all about her, and it's not brought up even once a session, but it seems like a good combination of me being more open to her suggestions and her being freer to talk about some insights, since she's not shielding her history anymore.

Also, I think it helps to have a positive role model. I have known people in Real Life with EDs, both in and out of recovery, and I have read/seen about fully recovered people (Jenni Schaefer, etc) in books/online/tv. But I have never really interacted with someone that was fully recovered before. I think sometimes one of my problems is not being able to envision what recovered life is like, and losing faith that it is actually possible. C. is so full of life, successful, happy, has a new baby and great husband, and basically represents many of the things the ED is holding me back from. It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

So, that being said, what are your thoughts/experiences with this? Have you ever talked to a therapist about their ED history? Ever had a bad experience with someone that was trying to treat patients while still struggling themselves? Anything else to say about it? I'm very interested in your comments.

Yet Another Post-Travel Lamentation

I know I have a lot to say about this past week, but I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts right now. In some ways the conference was great (professionally, intellectually, etc, very exciting). As far as behaving like a normal person with eating/exercise, not so much. I think maybe this experience has been an eye-opener for me on things I really do still need to work on.

Good: After the first day, my anxiety was much less, which was good because I could actually focus on the material, etc. Bad: The shadow to that, however, is the reason my anxiety was less. I basically fell into a "comfortable" pattern of restricting. I managed to get about half my normal exercise time in (fortunately my roommate went out every evening, giving me time to myself at the hotel), but overcompensated with calorie-cutting, and once I was in that mode I seemed to settle down. It was like once I proved to myself that "yes, you can indeed restrict, this is easy for you and you won't gain weight," I was much better. I know that is NOT healthy in any way, shape, or form and of course am not advocating starvation as a method to control anxiety. It sucks, makes you disconnected, ruins the point of trying to do fun things, etc. Please don't see this as a pro-post, because any ostensible "benefits" are definitely short term. Smoking cigarettes eases anxiety too, after all. I guess I'm just processing through why I seem to slip back into it so easily. Obviously, if it did not "work" for me in some way, however disordered and counterproductive in the long run, I would not have been stuck in this cycle for 10 years now.

I had my first appointment with a new dietitian last week, so this week I was supposed to be keeping a food log. I guess I am a little strange, because I count calories obsessively but focus on a budget for each meal, not so much on the entire day. And I count some fruits but not others. All of which goes to show that it does tend to be more about control and the ritual than anything else, in some ways. So anywho, because I eat the same cals for each meal each day it is simple arithmetic to get a daily total, but for some reason I rarely think about that. That background leads up to this: when I was doing some frenzied calculations to see what I had to do to "make up" for the missed exercise, I realized that if I subtract my calories expended every day from my total intake, what is left is lower than my BMR. That is not healthy. And, frankly, it took me by surprise. I eat roughly the recommended amount for someone my age and height, so I tell myself I'm doing well, but that recommendation doesn't take extra exercise into account. I already knew my BMR, I can recite the formula from memory and do the math in my head. And of course I know how many cals I burn in exercise each day, I measure my workouts by expenditure rather than time/distance. But I had never really put two and two together (or, I guess, taken two from two).

Anyway, after four days of that mess, I am utterly drained and have had massive headache all day today. This is not functional, and I cannot afford not to be functional. More on this later. I am trying to treat this week as yet another instance of learning things the hard way, so I can do better next time. How many times have I told myself that?

I really wish I had some kind of "therapy on demand" service. We need an App for that! I really needed to talk to C. this week. The thing is, she has told me repeatedly that I can call/e-mail her if I ever need to, but I really am just afraid of seeming clingy and needy, so I never take her up on it. Especially now that my treatment options are up in the air, I don't want to risk becoming dependent on something like that if I'm going to have to stop seeing her next month.

I'm sorry this is not such an uplifting post, I'll try to have something more substantial soon.

EDIT

Ok I was worried the mention of subBMR intake could be triggering. I only leave it in to illustrate that even if you exercise like a maniac, an ED will lower your metabolism substantially until you quit the behaviors. Obviously if I was below my actual BMR all the time I wouldn't have been able to gain weight over the last year, although it does explain why I'm still underweight despite being at the highest cal intake I've had for a very long time. The take-home is that the standard BMR calculation (which is meant to be the energy it takes just for basic organ function and existence, no activity, not even digestion) is based on a normal healthy person, and an ED will change your system to alter your baseline, although it is indeed reversible. In a nutshell: it is not OK or healthy to have an intake below your standard BMR, even if your actual current BMR is lower due to restriction/exercise/being underweight. Unless, I suppose, you are some special case with doctor approval, but I can't conjure a feasible example of that off the top of my head. And really those calculations are just ballparks, you could very well have higher needs than what the standard formula will give you, every body is unique. Ok this disclaimer is going to be longer than the actual post if I don't cut off the rambling here.

Unfortunate Equation

Undercutting calories + anxiety + barista that failed to decaf my venti Americano = heart palps + insomnia = long night ahead

At least caffeine highs do tend to lift my mood a little (better living through chemistry), which creates an interesting hybrid feeling of crappy + cheerful.

Conference FAIL

I am having a megahard time at the conference. My trip yesterday was pretty eventful (threat of blizzard, bag left behind at layover airport, nightmare in getting transportation to hotel from airport, et), but I handled all of those things fairly easily. It's amazing how the internal bullshit I create is so much more powerful than real-world challenges sometimes.

I was so incredibly uncomfortable and distracted all day, because I had guilt over just sitting on my ass in the seminar sessions for hours and hours.

Normally I have minimal trouble getting in exercise when I travel, because I find somewhere to walk, hit the fitness room, and do stuff in my own room. Here, it is too cold and in not quite a nice part of downtown (I'm not staying at the conference center, to 'spensive) to walk outside. Fitness room is a joke, the only functional equipment is a treadmill so shaky I'm afraid to put it over 4 mph. And I have a roommate, so no-go on the room workouts. Had lunch with a friend from my old town today (she is also here for the conference), and eating with people that know about my ED makes me feel really under the microscope.

I know I cut enough cals today to compensate, but I still feel disgusting. I actually had time to go down and do a session on the shaky treadmill, but physically didn't feel up to it because eating has been limited. So since I skipped that, I feel even grosser, even though I know it's not logical. This anxiety is making me wish I had just stayed home. This has cost me a ton of money, and almost a week of productivity at a hectic time of semester, and all I'm doing is worrying about my weight. I could have done that at home.

My prof wants updates, and I'm good at being upbeat and playing up the positive aspects of everything in public, while internally I am just so frustrated and un-solid.

I have been doing decently at home, but when I am out of my comfort zone it's like I totally freeze, I feel like I fail at every attempt to function like a real person.

Rant, vent, whine, sorry. Trying to soldier on tomorrow, but the schedule is going to consume even more of my time, leaving even less chance for exercise, and I'm already dreading it.

EDIT

And my roommate just came into the hotel room with some guy she picked up, and let him leave his stuff here while they go drinking. I am too old for this.... :s

Closet Gauntlet

Packing for conference in Wintery City means pulling out clothing I haven't worn for 6+ months.

My weight hasn't changed much, but I still feel like I'm steeling myself for a gauntlet here. Possibly because I always get a huge wave of anxiety and just generalized "the world is falling"ness right before a trip. I also have a particularly bad record with managing ED stuff when I'm at conferences. Sometimes I do shitty during the conference, other times I hold out and do decently, only to way over-compensate afterwards. I am trying VERY hard to be aware of that propensity and not repeat the cycle next week.

I will have a roommate at the conference, which is unusual for me. But this time I just couldn't afford the luxury of hermitage. This could work for or against me: it will prevent me from spending all night exercising in my room. But there is a fitness center at the hotel. On the other hand, it will also make me more self-conscious about eating in the room, because my normal pattern is to pack along what I can. But that could be a benefit if it means I am more likely to go out to eat with my roomie, like a (gasp) normal person.

So basically, how it plays out is up to me.

Anyway, all of that to get to the point that this stress over the clothing is just the easiest way to manifest the anxiety I usually have over leaving my comfort zone.

On to face the closet.

New Dietitian

So, I have never had a super-great experience with a dietitian. I was forced to see one as a young teenager, and even if I had NOT been in complete denial and closed off to therapy (which I was), this person had never done EDs before and had no clue where to start. H. had one that worked with her practice, and I saw her a couple of times, and liked her approach, but in retrospect I didn't feel like I got much out of it because she seemed to treat my case as just generic ED instead of delving into specific disordered habits (although see a funny story about her here). I have spent the last ten years obsessed with food and nutrition, and have solid training in biology, so I felt like I was just being hammered with a lot of numbers and facts that were not news to me. I smiled, nodded, paid my $75 and went on with business as usual. I hate to convey a bad attitude, but that is the honest truth.

My needs are much different from 'classic' anorexia cases right now, because I actually eat a fairly normal amount of calories for someone my age and height. The superexcessive exercise makes my nutritional demands different, and getting proper nutrition while in the process of curbing those behaviors is what I really need to work on. The reason I only saw the dietitian from H's practice twice was because she really didn't seem interested in the exercise stuff, and did little more than add up exchanges for me.

But, I am really trying to be open-minded, and so I agreed to see the dietician at the ED clinic here. I went, albeit with trepidation, bracing myself for another lecture on exchanges and a session that amounted to just menu-mapping.

I was actually surprised at how it turned out, in a positive way. This dietitian seems to be much more focused on the relationship with the food than the food itself. This could be because at this point, although underweight, I'm not all that critical, so because there's no need for her to feel like she's doing a life-saving nutritional intervention, we can afford to get philosophical about things. She did ask me to outline a day of eating for her, but she seemed to focus more on the big picture and what is driving my patterns, rather than whacking me with disapproval for only getting X carbs per day.

I had worked with my new therapist (does she have a letter yet? I lose track. Let's call her C.). I had worked with C. to make a list of known bad habits that I have regarding food, although I don't really want to discuss them in detail here. So I brought those up during today's dietitian session, and she seemed really interested in what I was *thinking* that led to the behaviors, instead of just mapping out a plan for what I need to change. Not that I have anything against plans, but I am a "challenging patient" (or so I have been told by every professional I've ever seen) and don't have the best history of actually following them.

I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of describing why I liked her. It was not that I felt she was letting me "get away" with any bad habits, I hope I am not sending that impression. I guess I just liked the fact that she recognized that I did not need a lecture on protein portion sizes, but I do need to change how I *feel* about consuming enough to meet my needs. I am the healthiest I've been in years, but am still fundamentally lacking balance. I try not to discuss behaviors and such, but even though I am eating enough to maintain right now, the composition and temporal distribution of my daily intake is really not optimal, and it's going to take a lot of work to kill those ingrained rituals, they feel so default at this point.

We talked about intuitive eating and tossing any diet behaviors, but right now my hunger/satiety factors are still extremely screwy. I basically measure what I 'should' eat, consume it til it's gone, and wait for the next appointed time to eat. I don't have reliable empty/full cues. The main goals we set were centered around bringing back some balance to normalize that. She understood that if I tried "intuitive eating" right now I would crash in terms of weight, because my appetite is nowhere near robust enough for the amount of food that I need just to maintain. Often the only way I know I am hungry is when I start to feel light-headed, not from any actual hunger pains. And even when I'm light-headed from not eating for X hours, my appetite is pretty blah. So, obviously that is something that needs some attention, and she was very encouraging without overwhelming me.

So, a positive experience, but it brings a frustrating conundrum. I had planned to see this dietitian once, maybe do a follow-up. But now I really like her. She thinks I need weekly sessions, or at the least bi-weekly, but that would effectively double the therapy bill that I already cannot pay. Such is life.

(EDIT: I don't mean to be down on traditional, "menu-mapping" dietitian sessions. Those are really helpful and necessary at many stages of recovery, I just get frustrated when the treatment doesn't go beyond that. Just wanted to make it clear; I was afraid it might come across that I thought meal plans were unnecessary or something to that effect).

The Best Laid Plans...Maybe Not Always Best?

So . . . I went over to Match's place this evening FULLY intent on breaking up with him, entirely convinced and not at all questioning my decision. No bad feelings, kind of as a preemptive self-protection, I think.

But then when I actually saw him, I didn't want to.

? ? ?

So I didn't.

I guess maybe this just represented a challenge to my black-and-white thinking. He is a very nice guy that treats me well and that I enjoy being around him, so I guess I will let it be what it is and enjoy whatever happens, right?

Tough Tuesday

So, I just finished a phone call with mi madre about the health insurance/therapy issue, in which we both ended up in tears.

And I want to break up with Match, and sense that he is sensing something off also, but I lack the energy to figure out the best way to go about it.

And I am just incredibly down and lonely and hopeless today. Not lonely for Match, if I liked him enough for it to really hurt me, then I wouldn't be breaking up with him, would I? Truly, I feel ok about calling off the relationship, I'm not just being stoic about that. Maybe I'm lonely because I don't feel that way about him, maybe lonely because I have no one else here, maybe I'm lonely because really I am no one else to anyone here.

Everything wrong with me is of my own doing, so why can't I undo it?

Good News Means Hard Decision

Good news: My latest health insurance application has been approved.

Bad news: My premium is over $100 more than the price I was originally quoted, and even the previous base price was more than I can really afford.

Hard decision: There is no way I can afford both this and therapy. My plan doesn't cover any behavioral health services until I meet the deductible, and even then it only covers half. My sessions are $70/week, or about $300 a month. There is no possible way to squeeze enough money for both out of my budget every month, I am a f*ing graduate student, for crying out loud. Being an academic-in-training at a university may carry some degree of prestige at times, but it is a state of poverty nonetheless. Even after I hit the deductible and am only paying half as much for therapy (which would take about 14 therapy visits, 4ish months), I would still be paying $150 per month on top of my $350 premium, which is simply not feasible.

I can't go without health coverage. Even healthy people get in car wrecks, get surprise cancers, etc. I will be doing a lot of traveling over the next year, including pretty intense work in a developing country, which will put me at higher risk for disease/injury.

My mom just quit her job to go back to law school, meaning they lost quite a bit of income while taking on huge expenses for her tuition and books. They help me as much as they can, but right now they're really strained also.

So....we'll see, I guess.

We Can Be Hobbits

(Background: Match and I had lunch plans tomorrow, but he had something come up that conflicted.)

Match: Sorry for the last minute change, we can just push lunch back to 3:30 or 4?

Cammy: Does it still count as lunch if the little old ladies at the next table are ordering supper at the same time?

Match: Well, we can be hobbits? Second Lunch. I do it all the time, except when it conflicts with my Pre-Dinner.

One of the things I appreciate about him is that he acts completely normal about food even though he's aware of my ED. I hate it when I feel like people constantly walk on eggshells about it. He never makes an issue of it, although he lets me call the shots if I'm not comfortable with what he suggests. Anywho, this exchange made me smile and I wanted to share. In this case, we decided to do breakfast instead, which is actually way less anxiety-inducing for me anyway.

Just a note to follow up my last post too. I was afraid I came across as naive when I mentioned the whole "spark" business. I guess I am just comparing this relationship to both my high school boyfriend (full on teen infatuation) and the little whatever I had with....I can't even remember what letter pseudonym I assigned him....earlier this year, which was pretty much infatuation without the excuse of being teenagers. With Match, I have a lot of comfortable but none of the infatuation. Which is why I'm confused about whether this should be a friends situation, or if this is actually healthier.

Who knows. But Tolkien references do make me smile. ;)

Motions vs Emotions

So I have been thinking about the Match thing. I like him, I do. But I am starting to wonder how much I like him. I mean, there is nothing to complain about here. He is nice, funny, smart, caring, very attentive. He gets along great with his parents (always a good sign). He has great dogs and lets me bring G. over to his house when we hang out. He is ambitious and hard-working and is totally accepting of every flaw of mine that I've revealed to him thus far. He even went out and bought books on EDs to understand them better after I opened up to him about my history. He texts sweet things and opens car doors for me.

But I'm still not quite how to classify my feelings for him. I enjoy being around him, I like trading e-mails and texts. We have good conversations about a variety of topics, and I appreciate the fact that he is always willing to lend an ear if I need to talk (although I am very careful not to unload on him about ED stuff). But I don't know if I'm really getting a "spark." Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions, instead of responding to real emotions, it doesn't feel like a crush or like my previous relationships. Or is it just that I am not a teenager anymore, can you outgrow crushes? Again, he has done nothing wrong and I do care about him. It's not like I am looking for "The One" right now, either, I have no overwhelming desire for marriage or any of that stuff at this point in my life/career.

Maybe I am just making the error of wanting things to be perfect and textbook right away, instead of letting it develop. We have only been "official" for about a month. I do have genuine affection for him, but it is not the kind of thing where I lose sleep thinking about him. Remember back when we first started seeing each other, and I said I didn't know if it would develop into a romantic relationship or just a good friendship? Part of me wonders if my feelings for him might actually be more of the latter, if maybe I told myself I liked him this much just because I so desperately need someone to like me that much. Doesn't that sound awful? But again, I'm not sure, I could be totally wrong.

Maybe I am walling off emotions to prevent getting hurt. Maybe I am freaked out that the scale has inched up infinitesimally and am secretly looking for reasons that I could end things and trade movie nights cuddling on the couch for evening workouts again. Maybe I am just a little too stressed every time he puts his hand on my stomach or thigh. (I'm not prudish about physical aspects of a relationship, it's just casual touching of key points of "image anxiety" that bothers me).

Maybe lots of things, but on thing is definite: I am confused.