And I want to break up with Match, and sense that he is sensing something off also, but I lack the energy to figure out the best way to go about it.
And I am just incredibly down and lonely and hopeless today. Not lonely for Match, if I liked him enough for it to really hurt me, then I wouldn't be breaking up with him, would I? Truly, I feel ok about calling off the relationship, I'm not just being stoic about that. Maybe I'm lonely because I don't feel that way about him, maybe lonely because I have no one else here, maybe I'm lonely because really I am no one else to anyone here.
Everything wrong with me is of my own doing, so why can't I undo it?
6 comments:
Ahgh! Why do you have to fix it? You are fixing it. Your leaving/evaluating a relationship that you are not total excited with. That is ok to do.
Your health ins. stuff your working on. Guess what? Life sucks sometimes. That's what mom's are for to cry with you when it is. You can talk to your T and see if she can give you a sliding scale until you can aford it or ask her for some advice on what to do.
Please just feel this, it will pass. I know it sucks but you can make it through it. You are doing so much right now, that's what life is facing it and getting through these points where you feel squeezed.
can i just say that i feel the exact same way- so at least you're not alone in feeling alone (if that makes any sense). and i know what you mean when you say that all your problems are your own fault becasue i deal with that as well. but my therapist always reminds me that things happen that are out of our control, life sucks sometimes and our job is to just get through it. there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and each struggle makes us stronger. you can do it, you have the strength within you.
I'm sorry you are having a crappy day! Is there anyone you can hang out with that can take your mind off things? I don't think this is your fauls, sometimes crap just happens.
hang in there. You have yourself, always! be there for you. You can always count on yourself. Find out what makes you happy!
I'm sorry today was oh one of those long type of days full of loneliness and nothing going right.
With the therapy issue, I really think you should ask her about sliding scale. She knows you are a poor graduate student! As my T. says, "when you are making the big bucks, then you can pay me that."
As for Match, maybe reassess things, see what it is you really want. Friendship is okay too, though I can understand wanting to feel a real "connection" that is different.
Hang in there, Cammy! Things are never black and white. There are always circumstances involved with many shades of gray.
Oh Cammy what a sucky day :( Lotsa stuff has been going on lately hey. I'm sorry re breaking up with Match and I really hope you guys CAN maintain a friendship at least, considering the lack of feelings and all the pressures, maybe that'll work out better for now? I Don't know, but I DO know you feel crappy and I'm sorry for that. I hope that after some sleep and rest, the next day looks better... but regardless, we here care about you lots.
*hugs*
xoxo
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