So, yesterday I celebrated the end of finals. Not just any finals, but my final finals (until grad school, that is). Joy, celebration, freedom! One thing I have been dealing with, however, is resisting the usual post-finals routine: massive dive into restriction.
Historically, I am very careful about maximizing nutrition while preparing for and taking finals. And historically, by the end of exams I am craving a crash, as irrational as that sounds. I feel like the entire week I am being "good," filling and fueling, it's like I'm holding my breath underwater. Then, when it's over, I get to burst above the surface, release that tense charade of normality, and dramatically overcompensate by severely restricting for a week or so. It's twisted, but it feels like such a relief.
That was the past, though. This year, I can't let myself do that. This year, interestingly, I don't feel that much of an urge to. It's still there, still a slight shadow of the "want to want," but it doesn't carry the same sense of "oh my god let me breathe" urgency to go backwards.
One complicating factor, though, is that graduation is on Saturday. I hate how I look in most of my recent pictures, and it's so tempting to try to restrict to slim down for the event. Plus, I have relatives coming in from 5 different states, most of which have not seen me since I was dangerously, dangerously thin. There's no way they can not notice the change in my weight. Awkward, awkward, awkward.
But, I must be rational. In reality, I know that
1) I don't need to lose weight.
2) Graduation is three days away, and even drastic restriction will not take a significant amount of fat off over the next 72 hours.
3) If I try to restrict anyway for the psychological purge, I will feel crappy and low energy on one of the most important milestone days of my life.
4) The last time I slipped into restricting for a few days, my weight not only bounced back rapidly, but it settled out a couple of pounds higher than it had been before. I had been at a plateau for about 3 months, and 3 days of restricting was all the excuse my vengeful metabolism needed to wig out on me and store a few extra pounds as insurance. I'd rather not repeat that pattern. Still trying to work on this whole mutual suspicion thing going on between my body and mind.
So, I am trying to stay busy to keep myself from obsessing over ways I can whittle the meal plan down. I also had to go buy an outfit for my graduation party today, TORTURE. Shopping never fails to put me in a foul mood. But I was able to realize how much better it is to actually be able to find sizes that fit. Having a body is helpful when looking for clothing. Thinness is often seen as a surefire way to be beautiful and look good in whatever you wear, but it really isn't. When you're emaciated it is impossible to find clothing in a size and/or cut that makes you look good. So, shaky woot for wearing a size!
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Side note:
My text conversation with my mom yesterday elicited a lot of comments. Yes, my momma uses big words in texts. She is a Scrabble fiend. In my entire 22.5 years, I have never beaten her. And I'm talking huge points margins, she typically comes about about 100 points ahead of everyone else. Anywho, she is actually pretty funny, even when not using 30 point words, so I just wanted to share a exchange from today (fyi, lack of chestage is a frustration for me, but we do joke about it):
Cammy: Your credit card just bought me a graduation dress and some GIRLY tops. And shoes. Major shopper exhaustion.
Mom: You can't as exhausted as that card.
Cammy: I found sales!
Mom: Famous last words. But yay for GIRLY tops! Do they have the built-in boobies or is my card going to be buying those separately?
4 comments:
I'm glad you're not engaging in this old tradition. Hope you're having a great time celebrating graduation.
My mother, my sister and I are Scrabble fiends. You can cut the tension with a knife when the score is close. Beating the two of them was the highlight of my spring break.
i'm a new reader, and love your blgo.
isn't it incredible to notice the lack of actual DESIRE to do the old stuff? i sometimes catch glimpses of this, too.
Here's to a healthy and bright future! What a great way to go into grad school, strong and amazing. (That was not a memo I got - I started grad school crazy out of my mind, which made it way harder than it should have been.) Congrats again.
What a good way of celebrating yourself! Some traditions are just better and healthier to break. You've made it this far, Cammy, which I know is a lot more than you ever thought a year ago, so you can do this.
Pictures can be a hard thing, and I know you're having trouble adjusting to your body, but maybe instead of looking at yourself physically, think of the moment, the meaning, the significance, the feeling of accomplishing a milestone.
I like your mom's texts. My father uses similar type language when he leaves me facebook messages or occasionally texts.
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