I guess I have just had a lot on my mind. J. left last week (it does not help that I got a text from him today that he's unhappy and "a wreck," in his words, since moving), and two more of my close friends are leaving town this week. One tomorrow and one Wednesday. I will miss them. A lot. One of them is a fellow EDer, we have been through quite a bit together; we have both had our ups an downs over the past few years. I know friendships with active ED sufferers in Real Life can be tricky, but really we have been great support systems for each other, in a positive way. I have double anxiety: that of missing her company, and that of worrying how she'll do over the summer.
I suppose I am starting to feel left behind in some ways, as if everyone else is moving on and leaving me in the dust. Objectively I know this really isn't true. I'll be here all summer, yes, but that's because I have that holy grail for Class of 2009: employment. I have a good teaching job here, and then I'll be moving to a new state to attend my top choice graduate school in the fall. So no, I'm not really the slow kid, I just feel like it.
I'm also starting to psyche myself up for my own move, anticipating leaving H., setting up new routines, etc. I'm not in full anxiety mode over it yet, but it's a lot to think about.
Also, my job doesn't start until June, so I have had about three weeks of free time, which is never good for me. It gives me more time to exercise, for one thing. Also, if I'm not busy, I feel like I haven't earned as much food, so I tend to decrease my intake. I am still not to the stage where I can eat for me, instead of eating in order to perform (in academics, work, or otherwise).
So I've been cutting corners with my eating, then cutting more than corners. Boosting the exercise when I have a lot on my mind. My head hurts, my stomach is empty, and I feel weak. My head has that Fuzzy Brain feeling. Poor G. has started running and hiding whenever I pull his leash out, because it has rained EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past two weeks, but I make us do a forced march through it at the standard walking times, no matter how heavy the downpour.
The first day I hated it, my body is not as accustomed to maltreatment as it was in the not-very-distant past. But then I was reminded of how I got sucked into this whole ED thing in the first place. Even after all the progress I've made, all of the months of and thousands of dollars spent on therapy, I still get a sick and displaced satisfaction from feeling empty and seeing the scale move down each morning. It's just so simple, so predictable, and I find comfort in predictability. And somehow, it feels right to do, even when I know it's wrong. This has been my default mode for almost 10 years, and it takes so much less energy to sink than to swim.
I know, though, that slipping does not mean relapse. I am aware of what's going on, and I know that the consequences of continuing the trend are not desirable. I have my appointment with H. tomorrow, and hopefully I can get my head screwed back on straight.
Have I mentioned that the speed with which I can make these swings scares the hell out of me?
8 comments:
Yikes, Cammy, the speed of your slippage scares ME. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow and H can help you think of some strategies for your free time.
And I'm worried about leaving everyone, too :(
Cammy, this time in your life is a BIG adjustment. Leaving the familiar is hard--not only friends, but your professors, your tx team, etc.
I know you are excited about the new chapter in your life opening, but at the same time, there is an uncertainty. Uncertainty + change + anxiety + lots of free time makes it easy for the ED to taunt you towards its side.
I remember when any of these types of changes happened in my life, and it was VERY easy to slip back into default mode. The sad thing was that it got easier to do every time, the time gaps between ED and semi-normal lessened, and the periods lasted longer. That's why it is important to take the reins now while you can before it goes beyond that.
Hope your appt. goes well. I hear you on the rain. I'll try to do my impression of a sun dance for you.
Like you said, slippage does not = relapse. Times of change are especially hard. You have A LOT that is changing. For me, those times have meant I need to be seriously vigilant about recovery or, yes, I slip. Any alteration in job, living location, friendship/relationship is hard for me...and I know that anorexia is a way for me to distract from the anxiety of those things (or starve it away, I guess). I think it's wise to realize that you're slipping, that you're feeling the reigns tighten. You'll be fine. You really will. Just keep talking about it and be true to yourself and your recovery.
I think such a big change (or comming change) is kind of edge, unstable area even for healthy people. And little slippages are part of recovery, but please please please don´t allow ED voice becomming stronger. I know- it´s so easy. But it´s bad to do what´s easy just because it´s easy.
When reading your blog I was allways amazed how honest and consistent you are in recovery. I am sure you and the progress you did are true inspiration for lot of people in recovery! I don´t know how to express that you are SO worth of eating and living FOR YOU.
I hope your appointment helps and the rainy weather is over!
I've never thought about the predictability aspect of slipping back into the ed - but it makes complete sense (in an unhealthy sense, of course).
And YES - it happens fast once you start rolling backwards. I hope you have the ability to allow yourself to feel the stress and not completely suppress it through restricting.
Much <3,
eshoe
Since you can make the bad changes with such speed, maybe you can try to draw on that intensity to make positive changes just as fast. I am totally with you though. Breaks from school and general life changes BLOW. Every year after college ended I inevitably struggled for a few weeks, lost some weight, and got myself into yet another hole to pull myself out of. Write about the pain you are experiencing and do what you KNOW you need to do. Seek accountability if necessary, even with texting your mom or something. I hope therapy was helpful. Gentle thoughts with you.
It's very hard to explain to someone without an ED how something so damaging and self-destructive can feel so good, almost like a comfort. Hopefully your T gets it or at least has a good imagination, and can help you find other ways to self-soothe durring this stressful time. Thankyou for your comments on my blog, they really helped me feel like i was not alone in my neurosis :)
How are you doing?
PS Word verification is "tweelit" - squeal-laden books about whimsical fashion?
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