We had coffee yesterday morning, a chance for me to redeem myself and act normal after flubbing our outing the day before. And it turned out to be a chance for him to address stuff that I have kind of just alluded to and talked around in the past. After about an hour of chatting about news, moving, grad school, etc, he finally brought up the ED stuff. He apologized for some random things he has done that he thought might have been insensitive (but honestly weren't), and mentioned a few books about EDs that he has read. He said he really doesn't understand it, but knows that it's hard for anyone who hasn't experienced it to really grasp the problem 100%, and understands that it is a real disease.
Then he fumbled around for words a little bit and finally asked "Do you think you're getting better? Or that you will?" I was flabbergasted, at first, too shocked to filter my thoughts before replying. I just gestured down at myself and said "Can't you TELL? I've gained _ this year!"
This is where the difference between girls and guys was made obvious, I guess. Or just the difference between internal dialogue and external observer. He got this thoughtful look on his face and said "Well, I noticed this morning, when you walked in, that you are looking healthier. But how are you feeling?" And that was it. Every morning that I have agonized about my weight down, sure every ounce is on display to the world, and after one year the total of his observations are just "healthier."
Not sure whether to laugh or cry about that.
So, in a nutshell he has been a great source of support and has gone out of his way to try to learn about what I'm going through. He doesn't push about the ED, but apparently considers it behind the scenes. In a condensed nutshell, I'm losing someone really great.
The thing I've been thinking about is how to classify how I feel about him. In the taxonomy of relationships, it's not romantic, but more than just a buddy. We have been close, and we care about each other very much, but I don't love him. Not more than a typical friend-love, I mean. Sometimes I really wish I did. I have dated here and there and have had a couple of serious boyfriends, and J. has treated me way better than any of those guys ever did. Way better than I can fathom deserving. Despite that, I have never had romantic attraction/feelings towards J. Never had that tingly, mustbearoundhimmusthearfromhimmusthavehim sensation. I have felt close to him, I guess attracted to the comfort and familiarity I get from him, but that's it.
I guess the thing that bothers me is that I'm not sure if I don't love him because I don't love him, or if I don't love him because I have forgotten how to allow myself to do so. Both the ED and some scarring from past experiences have led me to become more and more effective at creating emotional walls, acting fine but in reality always keeping people at arms length. And now that we're going our separate ways, I will never really have a chance to figure that out.
Ok, that was my YEARLY quota of sappy sentimentality, we now return to our regular programming.
2 comments:
First off, yes, guys do see it differently than females. I've always been so skeptical of the term "healthier," but in all honesty, people mean it in a positive way. I think it's just that we want more of a specific answer than what seems like a generic one for a disorder that is so intimate to us.
As for the relationship of J., it doesn't necessarily have to be totally losing him. In that sense, it's like an all-or-nothing thinking. Sure, things will be different since you won't be able to see him frequently, but you can still hold onto the relationship. Maybe the heart will grow fonder?
If J. was gay, I'd say maybe he was like your "fag hag," and I mean that in the nicest way. Maybe confidante is a better word?
Allowing yourself to love is very difficult when 1) you are afraid to, 2) you've closed yourself off for so long that you don't really know how to, and 3) the idea of vulnerability and risk in a relationship seems unfathomable.
Hmm. Men like J can be hard. I've got one in my life, only with a lot more romanticism. But we're not together. Weird, yep. Hope you get to keep in touch with him, he sounds like the sort one might want to keep around, regardless of the type of relationship.
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