Yesterday morning I woke up to a power outage in my hotel. I had planned to put in time on the treadmill before embarking on my 7-8 hour drive, but that was impossible. So I loaded up and left, just slashed my calorie quota for the day. The basic outline of the day:
1) I did munch in the car, but was conscious to cut "enough" cals to make up for the workout I didn't do. And then some.
2) Very surprised at how exhausted I felt after just sitting on my ass for 8 hours. Reminded myself that I'd had a major calorie deficit the day before. Whoops. But that was yesterday, can't do anything about it now.
3) Got home, got the dog, settled in, worked out and walked dog, but cut walk short because it was raining heavily and I was exhausted and ravenous.
4) Major case of fuzzy-head. Spent 45 minutes in the kitchen agonizing over what to eat.
5) Decided the mental strain of selecting dinner PLUS the physical strain to do the post-dinner workout made the whole meal thing very unappealing (even though my post-dinner workout doesn't burn all of my dinner calories, just for the record), so decided to just give up and forgo that endeavor entirely.
6) Went to bed, spent hours lying awake due to caffeinating myself for the drive and worrying about the grad school stuff.
7) This morning, "caffeine hangover" had me up worrying again at 4:15.
8) Made it through half of morning workout before I gave in and had to quit.
9) Tried to be "good," made breakfast and have a nutritious lunch planned.
10) Body maintains its status as my archnemesis, by being a bitch and getting sick from the infusion of food, even though it was the standard breakfast I have every day.
11) I contemplate running away to an island and living in a coconut hut for the rest of my life, but decide to vent through blogging instead.
Maybe I should have waited until later to post, so I'd have an additional item to complete a comprehensive 12-Step Program to irrationality.
6 comments:
I'll take #11 for $200, please.
You're a trooper. Keep it going, my dear.
Congrats on blogging about it instead of keeping it inside, where it only festers.
I second the kudos on venting rather than repressing.
I really hate that "so you had a bad DAY" song, but it kind of sounds like that's where you are.
Carrie's got a great post up - i think it might help you.
Cammy, I have to say: good for you for trying your best this weekend. I totally know the feeling of "trying to eat enough to remain undetected." It's stressful, and you did it, so good job.
Secondly, I love your "chain of irrationality"-it sounds familiar to me and loved how you wrote it. Sometimes writing all your ED-inspired weirdness out there helps you stop it earlier in the chain next time.
Finally, I do not at all mean this to be harsh or to come across as offensive at all. It comes from a place of caring about your well-being, which may be presumptuous since I don't know you in real life nor do I know you in the context of your medical issues. But, I just have to ask if you've considered doing some more intensive treatment before grad school. I'm not sure what your graduate program is, but I know I could not mentally or physically handle the rigorous schedule and workload of my current graduate program if I had your exercise compulsion and a sense of perfectionism anywhere close to my own. From what I've heard from friends in different programs, and seen in my own, grad school is a pressure cooker and it's really a detriment to yourself and sort of a sad waste of those years where you could be getting a fantastic education, making good friends, etc if your life is ruled by "do this NOW, now do THIS, why aren't you better?! why can't you do everything at once? stupid, stupid, stupid!" (That's what my ed/perfectionism voice says, anyway, though I've learned to ignore it with a lot of success. A lot of which came from being in more intensive treatment and having my body be in a healthy physical state.) So, I really hope this did not offend you or hurt your feelings. I am just curious if you have considered the option and what your feelings are, and might recommend it based on my experiences w/ grad school. I apologize again for my totally unsolicited advice and question. And again, good job with doing your best to challenge some of your issues in the last few weeks. I bet you rocked your interview!!
That does sound like a slippery slope you went down, but you can start back up tomorrow. Have faith.
Funny you should mention that you want to run away to a desert island and live in a coconut hut. Today I was in a stressful situation and I thought to myself "I want to go live in a pineapple under the sea."
Erika: Thanks, if I do make plans to split for the island you're most definitely invited, and you can keep your $200. ;)
Lisa: I have a love/hate relationship with that song, because it was so overplayed and yet I related to it so much. Ever since you mentioned it I've had it stuck in my head all day even though I haven't heard it in forever! Gave me a smile, I won't lie.
Sarah: You don't come across as harsh or offensive at all, no worries. I appreciate the concern. H. would love for me to go to residential, but even if I could afford it (impossible) I wouldn't have time, I have a great job lined up for the summer that I can't miss out on, with the economy like it is. I know grad school will be intense, but honestly after last semester (20 hours of class with labs 4 nights a week, co-teaching a freshman course, president of one organization and member of several others, applying to grad schools, working on honors thesis, working two jobs, etc etc...) I can't imagine grad school being worse...actually the times my ED has been the worst have been when I've had too much time on my hands, I tend to fill spare time with the ED behaviors. I need to learn not to do that, and I am not arguing against your point. The transition to grad school is going to be a big one, because not only will it be high stress but I'll be leaving behind the support system here that has helped me get out of the imminent danger zone this past year. I will work with H. to contact people and line up a treatment team in my new city, though. I want to enjoy the hell out of my remaining time as a student, and I know that ED-dom is no way to do that. Also, my line of study involves fieldwork in pretty intense terrain, that is one of the main motivators keeping me on track right now.
Harriet: I propose that you bring your pineapple up from under the sea to my coconut hut on the beach, so we can have pina coladas on the Runaway Island. =D
bodies are frusterating like that aren't they? Mine has been weight restored for a couple years and for some reason it still remembers and when my calorie intake accidently lowers to maybe too little I get so sick. If i do this for a few days I end up in bed the following week with flu-like symptoms. It's really quite brilliant of my body I guess. And I've tried to listen to it more in those times. And I guess that's all you can do, but i know you know that. I agree that venting is good stuff, sometimes the best stuff. hopefully you won't have to get too out of your normal routine for a while again. It's always good to be ground yourself when things get a little off. although if you learn out to deal with extenuating circumstances well you'll have to let me know because I'm pretty awful with the unexpected these days...
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