I really can't blame anyone who has just given up reading this blog, given how crappy I've been about updating lately.
CliffsNotes
Relationship
Things with Match have gotten better since I last posted. Still a bit tense at times (mostly when he’s stressed over classes and such) but overall feeling much more like "us." I think we are in a good place but I sometimes feel a little tired of being the focus of attention so much (I’ve never had a roommate or co-habitated in my life outside of camping on field research trips).
Exercise
Too much, in too much heat. Holy fuck it's been hot, hasn't it? And Match has no A/C here. Each day is a losing battle for electrolyte balance. What else is new. PS: I am so, so tired of feeling sticky and dirty even after I've just showered. I'm usually the one complaining about being cold when no one else is, but I actually seem to be pretty prone to heat stress as well (possibly because I dehydrate fast...because I abused my organs so much as a teen and now my kidneys suck. Oh and my heart, which tends to flip out when I’m heat stressed and dehydrated also. thank you anorexia).
Food
I am trying *hard*. I'm actually averaging more calories per day than on any previous Match visit...which puts me at almost my normal baseline intake. Baby steps. I’ve stepped out of the box a bit on the types of things I’ll eat around him. I used to majorly restrict sodium and avoided anything of significant volume OR density when I knew I’d be spending time with him, which obviously is a big constraint). So that’s good, and he’s great about trying to make sure I’m comfortable with whatever around him.
We had one major ED-related run in. I’ve been doing really great about eating out, and have been for a while. I’m good about finding something on the menu and not freaking out. This has become a bit trickier since I’ve become a vegetarian (albeit a fish-eating one), but I typically make it work. Then on Wednesday I spontaneously suggested a lunch date for the holiday to a restaurant we’ve eaten at before and both like. When they brought me my food, though, I suspected they hadn’t prepared it how I requested, so I got really anxious and picked at some of the sides then sent the rest back. I was too anxious and flustered to pick out a new meal from the menu and told Match I’d just make myself something at home afterward.
Match got really upset with me, and it culminated in a bit of a confrontation about the ED stuff when we got home. He made some valid points, and I know I put him in a difficult situation not infrequently. I also think there were some things he just wasn’t “getting”, but I can’t really blame him for that. I’m glad we had the talk, I guess. His main concern was that it seems like the “baseline” keeps getting moved. Lose weight, don’t gain it back, that’s the new norm. Add exercise, make it routine, that’s the new norm. Trends like that. Which actually is a very real and valid observation.
Related
I got a “just checking in” email from D., the dietician I had to leave behind when I moved. She wanted to see how I was doing and offer to do a few phone sessions since I have no real treatment options during all the transition this summer. Giving her the honest details on what I’ve been doing was a bit of a reality check, and has contributed to me trying even harder with getting my calorie intake up every day. My main issue is that due to the switch from one school to another, I don’t get a paycheck in August, and my Master’s degree school botched my July check and still hasn’t paid me for this month, so I essentially can’t afford anything right now. I think she got irritated with me that money is so prohibitive, but I can’t help that. We’ll see.
Anyway, that’s the Status of Things. I was supposed to go home this past Monday but extended it to next week. I’m glad, because it’s been a really solid week for us as a couple and I’m glad we didn’t miss that.
I hope everyone is doing well. Happy belated 4th of July, have a great weekend! Love y’all.
PS I have been pretty fascinated with following the #noshamefood trend on Twitter, good to see people not being embarrassed about foods they enjoy.
PS I have been pretty fascinated with following the #noshamefood trend on Twitter, good to see people not being embarrassed about foods they enjoy.
2 comments:
I think it's interesting (and self-aware) that you say he has a valid point. He really cares about you a lot. Do you think that you could arrange to pay your dietician once you get your check if you think that talking with her might be helpful?
I'm really glad things are going better with Match, even with the blowout over ED stuff. I can't imagine how hard and frustrating it must be to watch a loved one struggling with something that seems as simple and intuitive as eating, although there is definitely a side of ED behavior that non-ED people will never, ever be able to fully grasp. That was convoluted, but basically what I mean is: you could be in the most solid relationship in the world, and there would probably still be ED-related tension. I know it sucks, but you've made SO much progress food-wise over past Match visits, so don't sweat it. You should be super proud of how you handled this visit. Hope the rest of your stay goes well!
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