I woke up this morning with that sort of drained yet cleansed feeling that typically follows that kind of emotional purge, and made it through most of the morning fairly peacefully until I got a message that caused a whole different kind of upwell. Remember Friend #2 from my last post? She sent me this:
I'm so proud of you for fighting ED, babe. I know that it might always be a part of your life but not THE focus of your life. You're a much stronger and more confident woman that you used to be and I'm so happy to see how you've grown.
And no, I hadn't even mentioned to her that it's a hard time with that stuff right now. Nothing compares to the way an old friend can know you, right?
In other news, I sent a message to H., my college therapist (we're Facebook friends now) that I really think saved my life. I asked her if she has recommendations for any therapists in the PhD City area, and sort of hinted that I'm having a rough go of it. She was supportive, although she doesn't know anyone in that area. She's been pushing me to do IP or at least IOP for years now, and now I think I am finally coming to regret not doing it when I actually had time and health insurance. I don't seem to be capable of learning anything without doing it the hard way, though, so just another example of hindsight being 20/20.
And no, I hadn't even mentioned to her that it's a hard time with that stuff right now. Nothing compares to the way an old friend can know you, right?
In other news, I sent a message to H., my college therapist (we're Facebook friends now) that I really think saved my life. I asked her if she has recommendations for any therapists in the PhD City area, and sort of hinted that I'm having a rough go of it. She was supportive, although she doesn't know anyone in that area. She's been pushing me to do IP or at least IOP for years now, and now I think I am finally coming to regret not doing it when I actually had time and health insurance. I don't seem to be capable of learning anything without doing it the hard way, though, so just another example of hindsight being 20/20.
3 comments:
Hey, so sorry to hear that it's been rough going lately, but I think reaching out to H was a really great step. I've also been hugely resistant to IP, and sometimes I regret not just biting the bullet and doing it the first time around...but, you know what, you're an incredibly smart person and you've made the choices you've made for legitimate reasons, and you're going to get through this one way or another. You have such a full, accomplished life outside the ED and I am so, so, so proud of how far you've come from when I first started reading your blog, and you should never discount that. BUT, of course, you aren't completely healthy and that sucks and you deserve better. I really wish there were a way to stop time for a few months so you'd have the chance to devote everything you have to recovery, whether IP or IOP or whatever.
On Match - ugh, I didn't realize things weren't going well. Hope you are able to come to some kind of resolution that feels right, whether that means staying with him or not. I can't even imagine how hard the distance thing must be for you guys. I suck at relationships so I'll cut myself off right there.
Anyway, it's never too late to prioritize yourself and your health. Opportunities will always be there for you when you are well, but they might not be when you're sick. Eek, that sounded kind of harsh and mean, which I didn't intend. Just wishing you the best and hoping you are able to find the kind of medical and psychological support you deserve.
I'm so sorry it's been a tough stretch. I think it was a good idea to get in contact with H, nice that you guys can keep in touch! I hope you're able to find a really solid therapist in PhD city to keep working stuff out!
The friend who sent you the message sounds wonderful! And at a time when you really needed to hear that!
I hope the Match stuff smooths out, and that you have a better rest of your week!
I can't tell if you felt touched or insulted by your friend # 2's comment...? But that's not the point. I think it's super awesome that you reached out to H. Good move! And I'm so happy to hear that you're looking for a new hterapist. It'll be so nice to be settled somewhere and get a team set up in that area. You know, there's never (or, rarely) a convenient time to go IP. You could always take a semester off your PhD program. Just reminding you it's an option.
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