Well, the extended Match visit is officially over. I left yesterday, with a ton of mixed feelings. I'm so glad I stayed longer than originally planned, because the last 10 days of the visit were absolutely the best. I am a bit relieved to be out of the pressure of being the center of attention all the time. It's nice to just do what I feel like, when I feel like it, without negotiating with another person, but on the other hand I had a hell of a hard time falling asleep last night without having him there to rub my back while I was drifting off. I miss his companionship and our jokes, but not the bit of walking on eggshells we still had left. I am glad to have more chances for a bit of quiet solitude, but miss hearing him tool around on his guitar while he's waiting for me to get ready in the morning. See-saw, push and pull; feelings all over the board. It was the most emotional he'd been at a parting. I couldn't shed a tear, but my heart broke for him. I care about him, truly, a lot. He is a good person and I want him to be happy. But I don't know if I've ever left a visit feeling so confused about our ultimate trajectory. Oh well, time will tell. We're planning next month's visit and I suppose things will play out.
So now I'm back with family. Thought I'd handle being gymless with a run and a long dog walk today, but it fucking poured the entire.day.long. Cue anxiety and jitters and a not so good day with food. Starting tomorrow I'll be sharing a too-small rental duplex with my mom and two teenage brothers for the next 2.5 weeks, so that will be interesting. (My parents are trying to buy a new home right now so we're sort of in limbo in terms of housing). On the bright side, my social calendar is filling pretty quickly with appointments to see old high school friends, so hopefully that will go well and keep me from getting too entrenched in a disordered routine here.
Being back here also means I have access to a scale again (my grandparents have a medical-type balancing scale that seems to be super accurate). The verdict: I didn't gain or lose an ounce on the 3 week visit with Match. I was shocked, as I was sure I'd gained some back, but being able to go there and do well enough food to not lose any was a victory of a sort also.
It makes me feel a bit empowered that I can go to a new place, enjoy new restaurants, cook in front of someone else in close-quarters, have little splurges like sweet potato falafel (LOVE), froyo visits, and downing more than my share of a bottle of wine on the last night...without fear that I'm "ruining" anything or giving in to an irrational conviction that any deviation from my normal routines will balloon me. It doesn't mean I am at all celebrating lack of weight gain, but just noting the value of the the lesson learned that I can be a bit free and spontaneous without major effect in the long run.
This next phase is going to be the biggest crunch in terms of not freaking out over exercise. Heeere we go. Love y'all.
2 comments:
I can't get over how much traveling/moving/general bouncing around you've been doing lately, and still totally rocking the food part. I would be an absolute emotionally unstable jittery wreck. Were you able to change up any of your exercise routines during the Match visit? Are you getting back into lifting? You don't have to answer, just wondering if all the moving around has affected anything there.
Good luck with the living quarters this month! Hopefully things will settle into place for you soon.
You've been so busy! I'm glad extending the Match trip worked out well. I hope you guys can get more clarity about the direction of things as time goes by and you both settle into your new adventures in life.
Great that you're able to see friends and do some fun stuff with them!
I hope the exercise stuff goes well, it's soooo hard, but hopefully the anxiety won't be awful. Good luck to you, I know you can do it!
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