I'm heading out for my weekend trip tomorrow and shall return on Tuesday. I am really, really going to try to be as normal of a person as possible and enjoy this visit instead of letting exercise anxiety get in the way. The friend that I'm going to see is an unbelievably awesome person, and I don't want ED stuff to pollute the trip. It's just two travel days and two full days away from routines and such; I spent 3 weeks at the equator earlier this summer, so surely I can handle that.
I can't figure out why I'm so profoundly lonely. I was talking to a friend today (you know who you are and you ROCK, lady), and I realized that a major force behind some of the things that have me torn right now is just sort of lonely apartness from the people I'm supposed to be closest to. I have been visiting with old friends a few times a week, having conversations with other friends every day, living in tight quarters with my family, and I'm in a committed relationship. So why does it feel like I'm a tiny little buoy bobbing alone in the ocean?
I don't think it's that I don't have people willing to give me what I need--I have fantastic people in my life. I think it's that I just don't know exactly what I need, much less how to ask for it. Conundrum, I guess. I guess that upside to being a buoy is that even when you're adrift, you're still floating. So there's that. Or I just created a terribly butchered metaphor and really need to turn off the computer and go to bed.
Butchered metaphor or not, I should try to get some good sleep in before I hit the road tomorrow. Have a great weekend; love y'all.
4 comments:
Sorry to hear you're feeling so lonely. That sucks a lot, and I really feel for you. This illness is so incredibly alienating that it's hard not to feel some sense of loneliness, but I'm really proud of you for continuing to reach out and see old friends, that's HUGE! Still, I definitely relate to that sense of being isolated, even knowing you have plenty of people who love and care about you. Sounds like you're still in a weird transition period, hopefully things will settle into place once you get to your new city. Hang in there for now and have a great trip!
I have been feeling the same way recently...I will be at a BBQ with close friends and still feel totally alone among all those people. I don't have any advice for you besides hang in there and I am going through it too. Have fun on your trip, I love your blog and you are able to put a lot of things that I feel into words so it makes me not feel so alone.
I know that feeling of loneliness among people well. I think you are right that it comes from feeling like you aren't getting what you need but not knowing how to get your needs met. It creates a sense of disconnection that is difficult to overcome. The only thing I've found helpful is to focus on figuring out my needs and working hard to get them met (even if that means doing things that make me terribly uncomfortable, like asking someone for help). I just ended a really toxic relationship, during which I constantly felt lonely. I've spent the summer alone, working a ton on some course development with a team of people. I've had a great time and it has done a lot to help me understand why I felt so alone despite living with someone and working in a large department. This summer I felt connected to people in a way that I haven't in a really long time. I hope you have a fun road trip and are able to enjoy yourself. I'm so sorry that you are struggling with the ED so much right now and I hope you are able to line up some support in your new PhD city.
I'm so sorry you've been lonely! I think it's very insightful to realize some of what's behind those feelings. Hopefully that will help in figuring out how to reach out and feel less lonely! Hope the trip goes well!
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