Double Good News

Houston, we have a therapist. My intake session is August 15th.

I will update about my roadtrip weekend soon, but the short version is that I lived the hell out of that weekend and am SO happy with how it went.  Working on not trying to "make up" for it, especially given that I spent two days in the car for 11 hours on either side of the visit, but still felt like it was a win overall. Such a win that I am WAY too tired to write about it tonight.

zzz...

Something needs doing

Quote of the night during last night's festivities: "[Cammy] did you just hear yourself? Something needs doing."

Aaand right now someone needs coffee.  Love y'all.

Buoy

I'm heading out for my weekend trip tomorrow and shall return on Tuesday.  I am really, really going to try to be as normal of a person as possible and enjoy this visit instead of letting exercise anxiety get in the way. The friend that I'm going to see is an unbelievably awesome person, and I don't want ED stuff to pollute the trip.  It's just two travel days and two full days away from routines and such; I spent 3 weeks at the equator earlier this summer, so surely I can handle that.

I can't figure out why I'm so profoundly lonely.  I was talking to a friend today (you know who you are and you ROCK, lady), and I realized that a major force behind some of the things that have me torn right now is just sort of lonely apartness from the people I'm supposed to be closest to.  I have been visiting with old friends a few times a week, having conversations with other friends every day, living in tight quarters with my family, and I'm in a committed relationship.  So why does it feel like I'm a tiny little buoy bobbing alone in the ocean?

I don't think it's that I don't have people willing to give me what I need--I have fantastic people in my life. I think it's that I just don't know exactly what I need, much less how to ask for it. Conundrum, I guess.  I guess that upside to being a buoy is that even when you're adrift, you're still floating.  So there's that.  Or I just created a terribly butchered metaphor and really need to turn off the computer and go to bed.

Butchered metaphor or not, I should try to get some good sleep in before I hit the road tomorrow.  Have a great weekend; love y'all.

Strike One

Well, of the two therapists I sent queries to the other day, one turned me down (no openings for new clients) and the other hasn't answered yet.  The one that nixed me was the one I was most hopeful for, but she did recommend me to a psychologist friend with a practice in a town about equidistant from PhD City.  I'll contact that one today. Round and round we go, I guess.

By the way, this is a must-read: Eating: A Manifesto.  Not exactly Michael Pollan, but definitely needed to be said. Hat tip to Carrie for the link to it on Twitter this morning.

By the way, anyone struggling with finding insurance or funding for treatment should see the comment by JS on my last post, she has some good ideas for things to try. I had never even thought of looking at alumni health plans, but I'm going to check into that today.

Random photo of the day, from the Healthy is the New Skinny Facebook page:

Heading off for a coffee date with a friend, love y'all.

(Random coffee trivia: I just learned last week that dark roasts actually have LESS caffeine than light roasts despite the bolder flavor.  I feel like a failure of a coffee aficionado/caffeine addict that I was ignorant of that fact for so long).

Wednesday Miscellany

Randoms:

--It sucks to be broke, but the fact that Amazon offers a lot of classic books free for the Kindle means that I've been more motivated to avail myself of some of the titles I've always meant to read.  I have about a year's worth of Austen, Dickens, and Dostoyevsky downloaded at the moment.  Woot for culture.

--One of my least favorite ED things is that I can't enjoy a lot of physical contact with people that I love because I'm paranoid that they're "body checking" me for ribs, arm size, etc to spy on how my weight is doing.  I'm actually a pretty affectionate, cuddly person, and I hate it when stupid ED thoughts/symptoms mar that.  Does anyone else physically withdraw for this reason too, or am I unique in that eccentricity?

--The US women's soccer team kicks off their Olympics today (yes, before the opening ceremonies, go figure), heading off against France at noon EDT!  I have such a huge girlcrush on Hope Solo, and Abby Wambach is about as badass as they come.

--One of my goals for the next two weeks is to finally master driving a stick shift.  I know the principles and can sort of go through the motions of doing it, but with absolutely no degree of skill or finesse.  This is the only homework my PhD adviser gave me for the summer, since all of the field vehicles in my research country have manual transmissions. Here's to hoping I don't ruin my mom's new car...

--H. has helped me to brainstorm some treatment options and I sent inquiries to two clinics about an hour from where I'll be living soon.  One major constraint that I haven't mentioned is that my PhD university is in a pretty small college town, and the resources within that town are essentially nil.  The grad student health plan provides NO outpatient mental health benefits.  And the campus counseling center limits you to 4 sessions before "referring you to the community".  Yes, I've done my homework, but none of the results are encouraging.  Because I have no health benefits for it and have less than zero disposable income, my ability to get treatment even at one of these places 1-2 hours away is contingent upon them providing services on a sliding fee scale.  Fingers crossed I guess.

--I actually swallowed my pride and asked H. if she could do phone/Skype/email sessions with me. She said she honestly would like to but is so overbooked right now that she didn't think she could do an adequate job with it.  I was really hoping for a distance-treatment option since I'm going to be out of the country for 6 months out of every year through 2015.  Oh well.

--I really hate that I haven't been able to lift weights much this summer.  I know it's yet another exercise routine, but it made me feel great, decreased my propensity to freak out about gaining weight, and was helping me scale back on the heavy cardio.  I've joined a gym here that has great equipment, but it is really crowded with redneck guys all the time, and I'm way self conscious.  I didn't really let that get to me when I was a member of Gold's, despite all the meatheads there, I'm not sure what the difference is.  Well, I have a suspicion that part of it is that I just look even more ridiculous to them at my current weight.  I actually am unhappy with how my body looks right now and wish it was back to how it was before I moved.  But that wish and putting weight gain into action are oddly disconnected.  Work in progress.  I think I'm going to add some calories today, really going to try to follow through.  I have actually been eating my norm/baseline for most of the time I've been here, but the increased exercise in the summer heat is just sapping me.

--I've officially burned out on all of my summer songs.  Any recommendations for something new that you love?

--I'm going on a road trip this weekend to see one of my best friends from high school; leaving Saturday and coming home Tuesday (it's an 8.5 hour drive each direction).  I LOVE this girl and really, really want to try to clamp down on the exercise anxiety and just pretend to be a normal person for a few days.

--Recommended reading: A Desert Beyond Fear, from the New York Times blog chronicling experiences with anxiety. Clip:
"Fear is noisy, and it takes up a lot of space. Very little else — including matters of great importance — can break through. But at times, I can sit long enough to quiet the din of fear. When I do, in the part of my gut that is often churning with anxiety, I know that those“risky” decisions are the only things that do keep my world from flying apart."

***By the way, to the person that left a comment on the last post but requested that I not publish it, I'd love to send you an email as you suggested but couldn't find a Blogger profile for you with contact information.  If you'd like, just leave another comment (I won't publish it) or shoot me an email with your contact info.

Okay, I'm off to try to be productive so I can justify watching the soccer game in an hour. Love y'all.

Old Friends = Golden

Well I spent a good part of yesterday coming within an inch of breaking up with Match, my mother and I having a mutual meltdown event, and other miscellaneous crying and stressing and demonstrating poor coping methods.

I woke up this morning with that sort of drained yet cleansed feeling that typically follows that kind of emotional purge, and made it through most of the morning fairly peacefully until I got a message that caused a whole different kind of upwell.  Remember Friend #2 from my last post? She sent me this:

I'm so proud of you for fighting ED, babe. I know that it might always be a part of your life but not THE focus of your life. You're a much stronger and more confident woman that you used to be and I'm so happy to see how you've grown.

And no, I hadn't even mentioned to her that it's a hard time with that stuff right now. Nothing compares to the way an old friend can know you, right?

In other news, I sent a message to H., my college therapist (we're Facebook friends now) that I really think saved my life.  I asked her if she has recommendations for any therapists in the PhD City area, and sort of hinted that I'm having a rough go of it.  She was supportive, although she doesn't know anyone in that area.  She's been pushing me to do IP or at least IOP for years now, and now I think I am finally coming to regret not doing it when I actually had time and health insurance.  I don't seem to be capable of learning anything without doing it the hard way, though, so just another example of hindsight being 20/20.

Bragging by Proxy

So I've done a bunch of downer posts about me and I'm starting to feel guilty/embarrassed/boring.  Plus today was such a doozy that the last thing I want to write about is my status right now.  So in lieu of more of my usual lamentations, I'll talk about some other people in my life that are actually successful/inspiring.

Like I mentioned a while back, one plus to being in the segment of my summer in which I'm staying with family is that I'm back in the town where I went to high school (for the first time in the 7 years since I graduated), and it's given me the chance to catch up with a handful of old friends that either still live here or are similarly passing through for the summer.

I struggled with my ED pretty severely from the 7th grade all the way through high school, with just a year or two in there of subtle reprieve health-wise.  I was definitely not the only person in my cohort with issues, of course.  Over the past week I got a chance to catch up with two friends that have also dealt with EDs*, and it was SO fantastic to see them happy, healthy, and moving on with their lives.

Friend #1 had a short but steep bout with anorexia when we were seniors.  Her older sisters and some of her soccer teammates caught on to it, but not before she had lost a very significant amount of weight. Her parents forced her into therapy (she was against it at first, or course), and took a very heavy-handed approach (which I would have loathed but still kind of wish my parents had done)--very much the "wham-bam" treatment option.  And it worked.  Within a year she was back on track and has been healthy and ED-free ever since.  She is one of the smartest, strongest, funniest and most genuine people I've ever met, and I love that she's a testament to the fact that you can indeed kick the ED to the curb even if you start out fairly resistant to treatment.

Friend #2 had sort of a longer, rougher route to wellness.  She suffered from major swings of depression throughout high school, on top of struggling with bulimia and cutting.  Her mother was anorexic for a long time and actually committed suicide a couple of years after we graduated from high school.  I think her mother's suicide, while tragic of course, was a huge turning point for my friend, and really spurred her to start looking at her life more objectively and finally get the resolve to dump a toxic relationship, stick to her meds to better control the depression, and start taking an upper hand with a lot of other things. She went back to finish her degree, found a guy that treats her like the goddess she is, and has made leaps and bounds in therapy. She still has some body image issues, but overall she is doing SO fantastic.  And the cutting is so in the past that she has a beautiful new recovery tattoo covering the worst of the scars.  The whole time I was sitting across from her, I wished I could have shown the 2005 version of herself a video of the 2012 version, just to reassure her that the future WAS worth soldiering on for. She looked so happy, calm, balanced, and healthy.  Very inspiring.

So, woot for those two, I am so proud of them and glad to have them as reminders that recovery IS doable.  Just wanted to brag for them.


 *I don't want to give the impression that I only hung out with EDers in high school (we actually didn't talk about our EDs much at all, I never even said the words "I have an eating disorder" out loud until I was a junior in college), but in a school of 2,000 students, there were bound to be a few of us that were at least obviously struggling, and probably many more that flew under the radar.  These are the only two friends I had that I know had EDs; it's just a coincidence that they were both among the 5 or so people I've gotten to hang out with over the past couple of weeks.

Remember that time...

So remember that time that I caught a random middle-aged guy looking me over in the gym?  Okay, not that atypical for anything young and female in a gym.

But remember that time when that random middle-aged guy at the gym looked me over, then later approached me while I was on the exercise bike and asked me if I had an eating disorder?  And recommended that I should get some religion to help me out with that and oh by the way he's a pastor at XYZ Church and don't I know what I'm doing is a sin?

Yeah, that time was this morning, and boy was it awkward.

I appreciate awareness about EDs, but I don't know if accusing people of sinning for having a disease really counts.

Despite my blustered denials to God's Guilt Messenger at the gym, I'm starting to get so fucking frustrated with myself (from a secular standpoint, he can take his sin-slinging and shove it) and am really wondering if I just don't have what it takes to go the distance.

Besides the exercise consuming my life again and eating not being stellar, other things are actually going okay, I promise to write about them at some point.

Offline

Because Comcast is a loser of a company, we still have no Internet at the new rental house. I've been doing most of my internetting on my iPhone, but for some reason it won't let me comment on blogs. Just so you know, I AM reading and hope to be more fully online soon. Not doing so hot right now...will figure it out, though.

Penance? Check.

Okay ladies, have to laugh: as of today I'm back in the town where I went to high school. There is a new gym that opened since I left, and I came to check it out today...and apparently they tore my old church down and built the gym directly where the chapel used to be. Reporting to the same place for much different rituals. Or perhaps not so different. Rather poetic, huh?

Back to home base

Well, the extended Match visit is officially over.  I left yesterday, with a ton of mixed feelings.  I'm so glad I stayed longer than originally planned, because the last 10 days of the visit were absolutely the best.  I am a bit relieved to be out of the pressure of being the center of attention all the time.  It's nice to just do what I feel like, when I feel like it, without negotiating with another person, but on the other hand I had a hell of a hard time falling asleep last night without having him there to rub my back while I was drifting off. I miss his companionship and our jokes, but not the bit of walking on eggshells we still had left. I am glad to have more chances for a bit of quiet solitude, but miss hearing him tool around on his guitar while he's waiting for me to get ready in the morning. See-saw, push and pull; feelings all over the board.  It was the most emotional he'd been at a parting. I couldn't shed a tear, but my heart broke for him. I care about him, truly, a lot.  He is a good person and I want him to be happy.  But I don't know if I've ever left a visit feeling so confused about our ultimate trajectory.  Oh well, time will tell.  We're planning next month's visit and I suppose things will play out.

So now I'm back with family.  Thought I'd handle being gymless with a run and a long dog walk today, but it fucking poured the entire.day.long.  Cue anxiety and jitters and a not so good day with food.  Starting tomorrow I'll be sharing a too-small rental duplex with my mom and two teenage brothers for the next 2.5 weeks, so that will be interesting. (My parents are trying to buy a new home right now so we're sort of in limbo in terms of housing).  On the bright side, my social calendar is filling pretty quickly with appointments to see old high school friends, so hopefully that will go well and keep me from getting too entrenched in a disordered routine here.

Being back here also means I have access to a scale again (my grandparents have a medical-type balancing scale that seems to be super accurate). The verdict: I didn't gain or lose an ounce on the 3 week visit with Match.  I was shocked, as I was sure I'd gained some back, but being able to go there and do well enough food to not lose any was a victory of a sort also.

It makes me feel a bit empowered that I can go to a new place, enjoy new restaurants, cook in front of someone else in close-quarters, have little splurges like sweet potato falafel (LOVE), froyo visits, and downing more than my share of a bottle of wine on the last night...without fear that I'm "ruining" anything or giving in to an irrational conviction that any deviation from my normal routines will balloon me.  It doesn't mean I am at all celebrating lack of weight gain, but just noting the value of the the lesson learned that I can be a bit free and spontaneous without major effect in the long run.

This next phase is going to be the biggest crunch in terms of not freaking out over exercise.  Heeere we go.  Love y'all.

Trying Hard

I am really *really* trying with food and have done way better over the last week. I think realizing how loose some of my clothes had gotten was a big reality check.

Having a Fantastic weekend with Match so far. And he really is doing a lot to try to minimize my discomfort with adding food. We ate at my new fave restaurant here downtown today (no nutrition facts available for this place but I love it anyway), and I spontaneously had a cocktail at lunch despite the extra calories, AND went to a self-serve froyo place (a tradition of ours) afterwards. And later at home I had an extra snack after dinner because I was still hungry despite having so much uncertainty with cals eating out today. I think I've hit my baseline calorie mark most days this week (an improvement).

My last post was really a downer and I just wanted to do a quick update (posting from iPhone). I hope everyone is having a fantabulous weekend so far, love y'all.

July CliffsNotes

I really can't blame anyone who has just given up reading this blog, given how crappy I've been about updating lately.

CliffsNotes

Relationship

Things with Match have gotten better since I last posted.  Still a bit tense at times (mostly when he’s stressed over classes and such) but overall feeling much more like "us." I think we are in a good place but I sometimes feel a little tired of being the focus of attention so much (I’ve never had a roommate or co-habitated in my life outside of camping on field research trips).

Exercise

Too much, in too much heat. Holy fuck it's been hot, hasn't it? And Match has no A/C here. Each day is a losing battle for electrolyte balance.  What else is new.  PS: I am so, so tired of feeling sticky and dirty even after I've just showered. I'm usually the one complaining about being cold when no one else is, but I actually seem to be pretty prone to heat stress as well (possibly because I dehydrate fast...because I abused my organs so much as a teen and now my kidneys suck.  Oh and my heart, which tends to flip out when I’m heat stressed and dehydrated also. thank you anorexia).

Food

I am trying *hard*.  I'm actually averaging more calories per day than on any previous Match visit...which puts me at almost my normal baseline intake. Baby steps.  I’ve stepped out of the box a bit on the types of things I’ll eat around him. I used to majorly restrict sodium and avoided anything of significant volume OR density when I knew I’d be spending time with him, which obviously is a big constraint).  So that’s  good, and he’s great about trying to make sure I’m comfortable with whatever around him.

We had one major ED-related run in.  I’ve been doing really great about eating out, and have been for a while.  I’m good about finding something on the menu and not freaking out.  This has become a bit trickier since I’ve become a vegetarian (albeit a fish-eating one), but I typically make it work.   Then on Wednesday I spontaneously suggested a lunch date for the holiday to a restaurant we’ve eaten at before and both like.  When they brought me my food, though, I suspected they hadn’t prepared it how I requested, so I got really anxious and picked at some of the sides then sent the rest back.  I was too anxious and flustered to pick out a new meal from the menu and told Match I’d just make myself something at home afterward.  

Match got really upset with me, and it culminated in a bit of a confrontation about the ED stuff when we got home.  He made some valid points, and I know I put him in a difficult situation not infrequently.  I also think there were some things he just wasn’t “getting”, but I can’t really blame him for that.  I’m glad we had the talk, I guess.  His main concern was that it seems like the “baseline” keeps getting moved.  Lose weight, don’t gain it back, that’s the new norm.  Add exercise, make it routine, that’s the new norm.  Trends like that.  Which actually is a very real and valid observation. 

Related

 I got a “just checking in” email from D., the dietician I had to leave behind when I moved.  She wanted to see how I was doing and offer to do a few phone sessions since I have no real treatment options during all the transition this summer.  Giving her the honest details on what I’ve been doing was a bit of a reality check, and has contributed to me trying even harder with getting my calorie intake up every day.  My main issue is that due to the switch from one school to another, I don’t get a paycheck in August, and my Master’s degree school botched my July check and still hasn’t paid me for this month, so I essentially can’t afford anything right now.  I think she got irritated with me that money is so prohibitive, but I can’t help that.  We’ll see.

Anyway, that’s the Status of Things.  I was supposed to go home this past Monday but extended it to next week.  I’m glad, because it’s been a really solid week for us as a couple and I’m glad we didn’t miss that.  

I hope everyone is doing well.  Happy belated 4th of July, have a great weekend! Love y’all.


PS I have been pretty fascinated with following the #noshamefood trend on Twitter, good to see people not being embarrassed about foods they enjoy.