Strengths and Weaknesses According to T.

I have my last D. appointment tomorrow, and I'm a lot more nervous/apprehensive about that than I was about the final T. appointment last week.  T. was great and I connected a lot with her, but the ED stuff actually consumed the minority of our discussion time, so I didn't feel like I was losing as much of a sounding board with her as I will with D. I've known D. for almost 3 years now, the longest I've seen any treatment team member, even if you do subtract the year in the middle when I was away.  I don't feel like I'm totally dependent on her to keep me on track, but I know having her metaphorical boot on my ass a few times a month is a big dose of reality that helps to keep me from letting my eating stuff fall through the cracks.  Also, I just plain like her, bluntness and all, and will miss our talks. :(

I'm also afraid D. will be upset at me at our last session, because the food records I had to send to her this morning showed that I definitely got off track over the weekend and went the opposite direction from the XXX cal boost she wanted.


 I always underestimate how much physical energy moving is going to consume. I haven't felt this drained in ages.  It was my day to do strength training at the gym this morning, but decided to totally forgo it.  After hauling boxes and cleaning for hours every day all weekend, it feels like I'm being run over by a car every time I stand up.  I also think this weekend lends testimony to D's hypothesis that my headaches are related to energy imbalance, because they've been especially bad the last 2-3 days.  I also, paradoxically, tend to have a lot less motivation for food and such when I'm exhausted, which hasn't done me any favors.

Back on the wagon with eating today, even added some to my baseline intake, although I haven't gotten up to what D. wanted yet. Tomorrow is my last day here, and then my daily routines are totally obliterated, so we'll see how all that goes.


Anyway, that's that.  By the way, apparently T. uses her last session with clients to go over what she thinks their strengths and weaknesses are.  It was a little bit uncomfortable but also pretty fascinating to hear her verdict on me.

Strengths: She praised me for being 1) "highly functional" (gee thanks, I guess) and 2) also very pro-recovery.  I know it's normal for ED patients to sometimes even question whether they want to recover, and I definitely went through that stage too.  But now I truly do just want to be free and get on with my life.  I think that most of the things keeping the ED behaviors in my life at this point are more anxiety and OCD related than by any motivation to stay underweight.  She also said I'm fairly intuitive, capable of healthy introspection, and am better at describing emotions than I give myself credit for.

Although weight gain does still kind of freak me out, I think it's more because it's an unknown (I've never been an adult at a normal weight in my life) than anything else, which is an anxiety trigger.

Weaknesses: 1) Managing my anxiety.  I still don't have a ton of distinct established coping mechanisms for this, besides exercise of course.  She has continually pushed me to take up meditation, which I have pretty much blown off over and over again.  She also thinks the anxiety might abate a bit with some weight gain, as it definitely did slack off once I got out of the danger zone physically. 2) She really wants me to find ways to increase my flexibility, as a lot of my ED behaviors are pretty much just entrenched routine more than anything else. 3) I still tend to isolate rather than reach out when I'm upset, and she encouraged me to try a lot harder to establish a real-life support network in my new city.  Not necessarily to tell those people about my ED if I don't want to, but just have more of a social net.

My Master's degree city is really the first place in my life where I haven't had a big group of friends, and I've been pretty miserable.  I do have some friends, but not to the breadth/depth as I usually do.  I can think of some reasons for that 1) grad school is a lot more isolating independent than undergrad, 2) I started dating Match almost right away when I moved here and let that consume most of my socialization time my first year, then left for fieldwork my 2nd year, and 3) I was so disappointed in this school compared to my undergrad university that I wasn't nearly as involved in departmental/community events as I could have been.  So the main message is to suck it up and start liking people again when I start my PhD, LOL.

I sat down not knowing what to write about but wanting a break from packing/cleaning, and now I've written a book, as usual.  Happy Monday, love y'all.

...The Big Picture Part II

What, two posts in one day, on a weekend when page hits are typically way down in the red anyway?

I reread my last post and realize I left out a hugely important coda to the whole message about looking at the Big Picture to see how good things actually are, being patient enough to let things develop, etc.

 I think that taking a step back and acknowledging everything you've got is significant for reasons more than just being glad you're have X job or have X friend or are doing this or that. That is nice in itself, but I think the most valuable part of it is a reminder to not let those things go.  Especially since people that have overcome EDs or other issues have worked especially hard to obtain and achieve their goals on top of fighting the disease. Don't work that hard just to let so much slip through your fingers.

I'm trying to be hyperaware that giving into the stress, uncertainty, or other disruptions coming up this summer by defaulting to ED behaviors puts me at risk to lose every single item that I listed and so much more, and I think that was the point that I should have made to conclude the last post.

Could have just edited that post but know not everyone re-views them, so this seemed better. If you read this before the last one you may be entirely lost, apologies.

I also feel a little self-conscious that the last two posts might seem highly self-absorbed.  Somebody tell me something about your weekend, or something that you have that you wouldn't want to lose to the ED?


love y'all.

The Big Picture

I actually went out with friends last night, being all social and normal and such.  Of course I start taking advantage of bonding opportunities like that the last weekend I will be living here. Oh well.  A good time was had.  I have no idea who paid for the last tequila round, but a hypothetical hat tip to you, sir.

We won't dwell on the fact that the only time I allow myself to overshoot my daily calorie budget is when liquor is involved.

Probably wasn't the best strategic move in terms of staying on track with my eating, as I was having a Fat Day, knowingly overshot my calories, and today have that guilt plus the Dead Appetite aftereffect that always happens on nights that I have more than about two drinks.  Still, I'm in a good mood and am trying hard to keep it that way.  

Like I mentioned earlier this week, going through boxes of things from high school can be pretty painful and sobering.  I did it again yesterday afternoon (the last box, thankfully), and this was the one with my senior high school portraits, only two shots of which my mom could stand to purchase because I just looked like death in most of them (those will NEVER EVER see the light of day on the Interwebs).  I also found more essays and poems and such.  So I was pretty downcast and took a break to go for a run (go go endocannabanoids).  While I was running, I was in an ubercontemplative mode, but it basically brought me to this:

 I was so sad and frustrated and unsatisfied for a long time, but when I take a step back I can see that slowly yet surely everything I ever wanted is starting to materialize in my life.  This summer I'm starting research in a place I've been craving to visit since I was a child. I am more credentialed as a biologist every year. I am in a solid relationship (phone spats aside) with a sweet and respectful man. I have the most ideal dog in the world (I miss his slime kisses this week while he's with my parents).  I have a network of professional and casual friends that is stronger than I let myself admit sometimes. My family is healthy and strong and racking up achievements of their own. I am adding states and countries to my Life Travel List left and right.  I have found the absolute best friend of my entire life in Match. All in all can't really think of much  of importance that is missing. 

I still struggle with the ED but am worlds healthier and more functional than I was when I was really enmeshed in it, and am at least a point where I can enjoy trips, wear real clothing sizes, look forward to things like going out with friends on a Friday night  instead of avoiding or dreading those situations, etc. I can go for a run and feel powerful and exhilarated instead of almost passing out. 

I think that the big picture with all of that gets lost in the day-to-day stresses and challenges, but it really hit me during my run.  I think I felt some degree of pride but more than that just relief, plus a dose awe and contrition, because there were so many times I lost all hope that life would ever be worth slogging through another day.  

I guess a lot of frustration and dissatisfaction comes when things don't evolve/unfold as fast as we'd like, but progress is made in its own time as long as we don't give up. 

I hope this doesn't seem silly or self-aggrandizing, but I actually had kind of a light bulb moment while I was pounding pavement yesterday and it felt significant enough to share.

Happy Saturday, love y'all!

Shame and 'Fat Camp Fiction'

I'm not sure if anyone out there listens to the Story Collider podcast, but if you don't then I highly recommend it.  It's kind of like 'This American Life,' except with shorter (~15 minutes) episodes that focus on a single story, with some tie to science (although sometimes the tie-in is pretty vague).  Not science in the news, but actual, 'this is how a career in science or just some aspect of human biology resulted in an experience worth sharing with the world'.

I felt like sharing the link to one related to EDs, 'Fat Camp Fiction' by Diana Spechler.  There is one line in which she asserts that EDers are incredibly self-absorbed that really bothered me.  I was unhappy with her for a bit, but near the end she really shines a light on the shame that can result from being an otherwise upwardly mobile person dealing with an ED.

I had some friends over last weekend (yes, I do have some friends here, which I'm unfortunately becoming most aware of right before I move) to sort through my books before I donated everything to the library.  It wasn't til they were there that I realized how many ED recovery and other ED science/history/memoir books I have.  I have never, ever mentioned anything about the ED to anyone that I've met here, so it felt a bit exposing, but no one said anything.  I'm sure it made them wonder, because people are often more intuitive than we give them credit for anyway and they have probably picked up a bit about my gym and eating habits, but oh well.  If they ask I won't lie about it, but it's not something I ever introduce into the discussion.

 To be honest, I would be utterly mortified if any of my colleagues knew how much time every day I waste working out and how much mental energy I still burn on my ED.  I guess I am less squeamish about them knowing the blank fact of an ED or that I'm in therapy than I am of them knowing the exact details of what that involves.

So back to the podcast. I ended up 1) glad that Spechler was creating a bit of awareness about how EDs are much more than a teenage phase; 2) still wishing she hadn't made the statement about self-absorption, because she didn't make the point in way subtle enough to challenge the stereotype that EDs are just shallow examples of extreme dieting; and 3) with a healthy dose of respect for the way she challenged the shame factor by speaking up about her own issues.  Really interested to hear your thoughts on it.

April

I finally reached the wayback corners of my closets when cleaning/packing yesterday, and came across my Pandora's Box of old diaries, poems, printed emails, some photos, and other various paraphernalia of when I was at my sickest with the ED.  And of course I pored through it for an hour and then cried a little bit and have been in kind of a funk ever since.  Goddamn I was a pathetic, sad, miserable attempt at a human.  If I could go back in time and confront that Cammy, I think I would want to either hug her or scream at her, but I'd probably end up just blubbering.

And since it is still April, for a few more days at least, I thought I'd share this essay. I wrote it my junior year of high school, so PLEASE be generous when judging the writing skill.  The assignment was to write an essay about what the changing seasons mean to us.  I think I started out with that basic plan, but it very soon devolved into a big metaphor for the ebb and flow of my SAD and the corresponding intensity of my ED. (Look at me with my Job reference down there, wow this was a long time ago, you take yourself so seriously when you're 17...). The depression and ED symptoms always absolutely swallowed me in the winter months.  I tended to bottom out in February, sort of realize things needed to change but procrastinate taking action in March, and finally start emerging from my private hell a bit in April.

4-17-04

When Waters Abide


It is early April. There is still a trace of winter in the air, enough to cover my car with a delicate shawl of ice, more of a decorative, lacy frosting than the punishing thick sheets of February. The only thing that comforts me as I scrape the windshield every morning--knees shivering and fingertips losing all hope of sensation--is the sight of my neighbor's pear trees blossoming, sickly bundles of twigs changing overnight into colorful promises of spring.  A fresh season is edging in, gently putting winter to rest after too many months of frigid air and early sunsets.  Spring is tucking the tired winter season into bed under a blanket of tender green grass and bold dandelions.


For me, it seems that the coming of spring both slows and speeds time. In the winter I feel as though I just stop living for a few months. I go through the motions, wearing my mask--holding it so tightly to my face that I nearly suffocate. I pretend to exist. Did I fool you?


As the days gradually get longer and brighter, as the ice covering both my windshield and my spirit begins to recede, I am reminded that yes, I am here, and so is the world, and I should go out and become reacquainted with it.  Better go out and try your best to do your growing and blooming before the year comes full circle and that seasonal dropcloth swathes your mind again. Long, sunny evenings are like a balm for a cracked and bleeding soul, but the warmth and bliss of those extended evenings paradoxically makes them seem even shorter. There will never be a summer evening long enough for me.


Winter is desolate enough to make me long for summer's sun burns and mosquitos and dreaded family vacations. I crave the feel of sun-baked cement searing the bottoms of my bare feet--such a delicious hurt that reminds me that I'm alive, and at least for a short time am happy to be as such. Nothing compares to the feeling of a sun's warm kiss on bare skin or the smell of freshly cut grass.  Nothing compares to waking up on a summer morning without the icy dread of another dreary day, without feeling like the weight of the world is compressing your heart until you start falling asleep praying that it will squeeze too hard in the night and save you from facing yet another winter's morning.


Does the desolation come from winter, or simply from lack of summer? Does it matter? Does my internal winter ever really retreat, or does summer sun simply serve to blind me from "the hands that reach out to destroy," letting me live in blissful, tanned ignorance for a few precious months?


It is April. The earth is reawakening, looking more like itself every day. Every new bud and every fresh blade of grass is like a peace offering, to make up for every shiver and every ice-tinged breath.  Spring cleanses me, pacifies me, and allows me to finally come up for air after winter has had my soul by the throat for far too long.


It is April now, but it will not always be April. And that is why I stay scared.


------------------------------------------

As a historical note, it turned out my English teacher decided to have us read these out loud in front of the entire class the day we turned them in.  And you know what? I did it. I only remember my voice wavering once or twice. It was simultaneously one of the most terrifying and freeing moments of my life.

I guess I will close this on an upturned note with one of my favorite quotes, which seems passably relevant here:

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer
~Albert Camus

Perceptual Shortcomings

This food-boost thing has been a really interesting illustration of just how crazy body perception can be.  I woke up yesterday morning already feeling disgusting and inflated just at the prospect of having to eat that much food over the course of the incipient day.  

 I am totally aware that it's not logical and that it's just my anxiety manifesting, but I'm still crawling out of my skin even though I haven't even worked my way up to adding the entire amount in a day yet. 

It's also a good example of just how routine dependent I am.  I've been pretty low stress about food for a while now, but toss a wrench into my norm and my brain can't decide whether to explode or implode (although I bet the latter involves less of a mess).

Happy Wednesday. :/ Love y'all.

Turns Out I Was Wrong

Remember how I was just saying that D. was focusing more on loosening up than mandating a calorie increase?  Turns out I was wrong. This is where I would put my foot in my mouth if I weren't have to cram so damn much food into it.

I had my second-to-last D. appointment this morning, and she was pretty pushy about me adding calories.  She has never set specific calorie goals/increases for me in the entire 2 years I've worked with her, but today she had me figure out an amount to add and exactly how I would do it.  And pushed over and over again about the importance of being compliant even though I don't have to report to her after next week.

 I asked her what amount she thought was reasonable to add, she said she wanted me to figure it out, and then when she didn't like my answer she increased it to what she wanted anyway.

I know I should be beyond this, but I've been vacillating between being hugely stressed and hugely indignant about it all afternoon.  She wants me to eat HOW much right at a time when I'm moving and losing my gym access for the summer?

The thing is, I know that if I were evaluating someone else's case, I wouldn't think it was an unreasonable recommendation for them.  Hypocrisy: 1; Logic: 0.

When I griped that I already get overfull from how much I have to eat at lunch even without this increase, it was a perfect cue for her to give me a boot in the ass about how much I still veggie-load.  Which is totally true.  You know you have a problem when your dietician wants you to cut your produce intake by at least half. Touché, D.

I sort of knew this would have to happen, in some vigorously suppressed corner of my mind.  I've been at a weight plateau for months now that isn't likely to budge unless I change my habits.  As D. has pointed out, my output-input energy balance is awful, and the only reason I'm maintaining my weight on that is that my body has just adjusted itself to the deficit (sorry, metabolism). She also pointed out that that imbalance is probably the reason that I get bad headaches about 4 days a week.  I don't think I'm very fatigued, but she said I'm probably just so used to it that it seems normal, which could very well be true. And when I think about it, there are some new strength training things (healthy, progress-oriented exercise) I've wanted to try but haven't because I am just so drained after all my cardio (mindless excessive ED exercise). When I first started weight restoration, I was floored by just how amazing it felt to have energy again, after such a long time in acute starvation mode, and I would imagine that effect continues as weight/health restoration progresses.  D. and I talked about that, and she emphasized that even though I'm nowhere near as sick as I once was, better is not Better.

I'm also trying to be conscious of the fact that in all of my past experience, more food makes me hypermetabolic for quite a while before I ever add weight (and the effect of boosting doesn't always even get to the weight gain part).  And that I'm supposed to be okay with weight gain at this stage.  Must repeat this to myself over and over. Also, in about 2 weeks I'm heading off to a new tropical country that is much more disease-ridden than any other place I've ever worked, so there is probably a high value in giving my body some extra reserves to draw from so my immune system isn't sluggish going into that.

So that's that.  Think I'm going to work myself up to the new amount over about 3 days, but I guess it's worth at least experimenting with until I leave for my trip.  It seems kind of pointless to me to try to establish any new routines right now, since my entire summer is going to be a nomadic turmoil involving 2 countries and about 5 states, plus a move to PhD City.  But I'm trying really, really hard to respect D's professional opinion and give this a shot.

It's a Girl!

...*NO* I am not pregnant. Is there another text formatting emphasis I can add that I missed?

But guess who is? T, my psychologist.  It won't affect me since I only have one session left with her before I move, but she gave me the news anyway that she is expecting and will be on maternity leave this fall.  I am super happy for her, partly just because SHE IS GROWING A HUMAN, which should be considered a superpower, and partly because I know she is an ED survivor too, and she has shared that at one point she never thought it possible she'd have a family of her own.  You rock, T.

Another part of the disclosure was both interesting and thought provoking.  She made the comment that she had decided even to tell clients that are leaving soon (there are a lot of university students here so the attrition rate is high at the end of the spring semester) because she wanted them to know why she was "getting noticeably bigger".  I honestly hadn't noticed her expanding waist, even though she's in her 2nd trimester now, she must have been good at picking concealing clothes.  Or it could be that I don't pay that much attention.

It sort of made me contemplate how self-conscious ED therapists might be about their own size/appearance.  Even when a person's etiology doesn't include major thin-envy, it's safe to say a lot (not all) of people body-check other people, sometimes out of honest curiosity or competitiveness or jealousy or whatever you could possibly think when you note someone's size. Probably more during initial sessions than on an ongoing basis. Plus it must be hard to spend all day analyzing other people's eating/exercise behaviors without giving a thought to your own. Given that it's not uncommon for ED therapists to have a personal history with eating issues (again, not that all do), I wonder how that feels for them.

 I'm sure most are professional enough to deal with it, but I guess it's probably hard to adjust to at first.    I have never really cared about my therapists' weight. H. was about 60 and I was 21 when I started seeing her, so there wasn't much temptation to compare. I suppose she was high side of healthy?  A low healthy wouldn't look nearly as normal on a 60 year old as it does younger people sometimes.  The CSW I saw my first year of grad school (she was 36, I was 23) had just had a baby, so that was that. T. is 32 and I'm 25, so that is the closest (she also actually really resembles me in terms of coloration and such, which seems to create the potential for comparison but honestly hasn't) and I've pretty much just noticed that she looks healthy and pretty fit but very well within a healthy range.

Now that I think about it, the post-baby therapist DID offer that information the first session to "explain" her size.  Then again, it soon became clear that she was absolutely not over her own ED issues and had a nasty competitive edge, which is a big reason I quit her and probably doesn't make her the best example.

I do hate that she felt the need to explain herself, because I would never think someone's competency as an ED therapist would correlate inversely with their weight. That said, I do think there are some size-related lines I would draw on the other end of the spectrum. There is a psychologist that works at the same clinic as D. that I see in the lobby sometimes, and she is so PAINFULLY thin that I really don't think I could work with her without it being a distraction and making me really uncomfortable.  It does seem unfair, because she could be a fantastic therapist, it's just my gut reaction when I see her.

Looking at the closing of the age gap with therapists up there, I really need to try to kick this before I start surpassing my treatment team in age. :/ I mean, I am trying, that just made me more conscious of that factor though.

Ookay that is quite enough ramble I suppose.  Thinking about that issue gives me even more respect for people that manage as effective ED therapists after battling the disease themselves.

On an unrelated note, Match and I are pretty much repaired, as of about 1:00 this morning.  We never, ever, ever fight as badly in person as we do when we're on the phone. It is so, so hard to really feel resolved sometimes when we are 600 miles apart. No hand on the leg, no leaning into a shoulder, no holding hands, no end-of-argument hug to help signify that things are okay. Not to be TMI,  but there are fewer options to sort of cement reconnection afterward.

Distance sucks, my friends.  We're making it, though.  At least a big fight opens up opportunities to sort of re-establish how much you care and discuss the best ways to treat each other well. Thanks for everyone that offered support during a really tense couple of days.

Happy Earth Day, love y'all!

(No subject)

Yes, we are still quagmired in the same fucking argument over 24 hours later. Is the weekend over yet?

Dual Disapproval

Am I the only one that really hates the new Blogger interface? Yes, Google overlords, I hope you are spying on my blog and see that I decidedly do not approve.

You know what else I don't approve of? Huge blow-up yelling uglycry fights on the phone that last for close to three hours (encompassing my usual dinner and night workout times, no less).   It's been forever since M. and I had a big fight, and we had such an awesome visit last weekend and have been all mushy happy since then, so this was quite a doozy that neither of us were prepared for.

I hate it that we get to the point where we're not even fighting about the original issue, we're both just so hurt/pissed that we're fighting that we fight about fighting.

I guess that's my rant about that. I'm so incredibly drained.

Vegetarian Conundrum

So I had kind of an interesting conversation with D. during our session today.  I think it's commonly accepted that sometimes people with EDs will use vegetarianism as an excuse to limit food options (note that I am NOT indicating that everyone who is a vegetarian does it as an ED thing, just that it's often initially red flagged by therapists when they see it in an EDer).  But D. was pretty interested that for me it seems to be the opposite--I actually think I'd definitely be a vegetarian (or pescatarian, I guess, I wouldn't give up sustainable fish) if it weren't for some lingering ED thought patterns.

To try to explain: When I'm making my own food at home I can easily go a week or two without eating any non-fish meat (while still getting plenty of protein in), but when I'm traveling and dealing with airport/restaurant options, I often default to chicken options as "safe" foods (I quit consuming mammals about 4 years ago).  This is due to some lingering "food fears" that I have (still not really comfortable with some things often used in veg dishes if I haven't measured them out myself), and the fact that it's way more easy for me to estimate the calorie content of a chunk of grilled chicken than a pasta/rice dish or even a veggie burger or some other vegetarian option. Grains are inherently hard to estimate, and can have whoknowswhat mixed in, whereas discrete pieces of animal flesh are fairly straightforward, even though I find them increasingly unappetizing. So basically, my anxiety over calorie counting is really what's keeping me from completely converting to being a veg/pescatarian, and it's a situation in which choosing meat is actually my way of restricting choices and making different decisions than I would if I were doing it entirely based on my moral conscience and basic preference.

I hope I explained that somewhat coherently. D. said it's the converse of what she usually runs into, which surprised me because a lot of lean meats have the nutritional characteristics of many people's "safe" foods, but it is what it is I guess.

So that's that.  We didn't come up with an immediate solution beyond the ongoing issue of getting me to loosen the hell up about calorie counting.  I really am increasingly turned off by meat in general, so I think this will be a slow transition but I do want to do it, partly because I'm tired of eating things I no longer really like and partly because it's a way to move forward with not letting the ED make my decisions.  I haven't eaten beef or pork in years, so really it's just a matter of poultry.  (I don't mean that to sound judgmental! All of my favorite people in the world eat pretty much any form of mammal or bird available in the grocery store, it's just a personal preference).

I'm still confused with her message about my weight. She's pushing for me to get up into the next BMI category (the boot in the ass portion of her approach) while also emphasizing how "little you have left" to restore, which freaks me out and makes me afraid to gain any (the confusing/stilting part of her approach).  At this point in my recovery she's focusing on getting me to loosen up my relationship with food rather than boosting a mandated mealplan, so we'll see how that goes.  I'm really bummed that I only have one more session with her right at a time when I think I'm getting to the psychological point where I'm more willing to take on challenges.

Alright ladies, I hope everyone is having a great week! Love y'all.

Movin' on Up!

Well, I was really worried about that Match Weekend going in, but it turned out to be FANTASTIC. And not only did we have a good time together, but he ended up getting a last-minute PhD offer from a great school with exactly the type of program he'd been looking for, which was a huge relief and gave us even more to celebrate! Proud of my Boy. :)  He also absolutely loved the photos I gave him for his birthday present, which was kind of validating and flattering (the mom-safe ones are on Facebook now, for those that know me on there).

Last week I did my thesis defense, submitted my taxes, submitted the annual official report for my scientific fellowship, turned in a big term paper, and did the final presentation for the class I'm currently in, essentially wrapping up almost all of my duties in this program/city.  It feels SO good. I'm in full move-preparation mode right now. Anyone need some furniture? Lol. Pretty much everything I own except for G. is up for grabs at this point. I registered for my first semester of PhD classes in the fall, and have my new school e-mail account, so I'm feeling more and more legit by the day! I'm movin' on up...

I have to say, too, that my body image has been way, way better recently. That makes Match visits and life in general so much nicer. I think it's a combination of progress in recovery, growing acclimation to my "new" body, and that strength training that I started as an experiment and fell in love with.   I honestly think that doing weights 2-3 times a week has done more for my body image/empowerment than ANYTHING else I've ever done. It has definitely changed my body (without changing my weight) and has made me feel fitter than I ever have in my life.  And if you look at the time and effort invested in that relative to the mind-numbing amounts of cardio I did for years, I wish I could have discovered it a long, long time ago. I just never wanted to believe that such relatively modest amounts of workout time invested in strength training could substitute for marathon cardio sessions, but I'm becoming a convert. (Note that a lot of women are afraid of "bulking up" if they lift weights, which is really not a risk for females unless you're using hormones and other nasty "aids". I've actually lost inches (without trying) without any weight change).  I've been progressively slashing my cardio and so far am handling it pretty well, I think.  I'm not saying everyone should run out and start bench pressing things (always consult your treatment team before starting a new exercise program!), but it has had a such a significant effect on me that I thought it warranted a mention.

Alright lovelies, I need to go get some cleaning done, hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend. Love y'all!

Quick Update Before Leaving Town

Of possible interest: How Exercise Can Prime the Brain for Addiction, New York Times Well Blog

I'm heading out for this month's Match Weekend in a couple of hours.  I'm feeling a little stressed about making this a good visit, since it's the last time we'll see each other before I go off on another tropical research trip in May. I've had an awesome week, but he's had a terrible one, and so it's sort of weird right now. We hadn't had a real fight at all since the last visit, but we've been touchy and bickery this morning.  Because of course that's the best way to show your loved on that you appreciate them driving 8 hours to come see you tonight. :s  Just want it to go well.

Quick update on my last D. appointment: At a previous session, she had asked if I thought it would be helpful to see food records from other women my age that were eating to maintain their weight.  I thought it would, since I've been disconnected from normalcy for so long that I haven't a clue.  I've restored weight but my food habits can still be a bit weird.  So she showed me samples from 3 clients...and honestly it was pretty triggering.  None of them had calories counted, just lists of food, and without knowing how much of each thing they were eating I immediately assumed small sizes and felt awful that I eat so much more than these people (despite the fact that 2 of the 3 are not allowed to exercise at all right now and I'm still doing too much of that).  I think D. hadn't anticipated that and she felt bad, so we were both kind of unhappy with how that turned out.  Oh well. The rest of the session was okay.  I know I need the boot in the ass, but sometimes I wish she'd give me a little bit of a benefit of the doubt on some things.  I guess that's not her job.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, love y'all.

Appreciation for Symmetry

Well, that rocked.  It looks as if I'm officially going to have an "ms" both before and after my name now.

 =D

Acting Like a Normal Person

My thesis defense talk is tomorrow morning, so I've been consumed with that and am SO ready to get it over with.

I have some family in town for the event, and we went out to dinner tonight, along with a couple of my friends from my Master's program. 

And who actually ate a granola bar right before leaving the house for dinner, because I knew was too hungry and low-blood sugary to last through the drive/ordering/waiting for service? Me.

Who ate a regular sized, unplanned-for piece of the unplanned jalapeño cheesy bread that came before meal ? Me.

Who sat and enjoyed the conversation for an hour after we finished eating without feeling restless or worrying about working off the food (non-salad entree) or microcalculating how many calories had been in it? Me. 

Who is so pleased and thrilled to be acting like a normal person that it almost comes full circle to being afraid of being so happy because it means there is a chance of a crashing failure? You guessed it, me.

Who is the only one that can prevent that from happening? . . . Me.  Tall order but someone has to do it I guess.

By the way, thanks for all the positive feedback on the last post.  I was so worried people would be upset about me posting the old picture, even though it had been on the blog before. In retrospect, when I originally posted that back in 2008 I had NO idea of how unhealthy it looked, sorry ladies. :s  Perceptions are odd.  Anyway, I was glad that at least everyone that commented seemed to get the message I was trying to get across, about how being healthy both looks and feels so much better and is worth the whole damn fight.  It also makes me feel less anxious about relaxing some habits in order to bump my weight up a bit like D. wants (possibly why tonight's dinner went so well).

Alright, going to defend the hell out of this thesis tomorrow!  Here's hoping I don't get tongue tied, tuck my skirt into my panties or discover the file for my presentation has fatally corrupted on me between my apartment and campus in the morning.

Lesson from Then and Now

So, I debated over and over whether to post this, and may take it down shortly. There's no way I'd do it if the blog were still public.  Y'all know how I am about pictures, but the one here that I think is questionable has been posted on the blog before, so I figured I wouldn't be avoiding much by excluding it.

I was procrastinating (I do way too much of this lately) practicing my defense talk again this morning, and pulled up a photo of my tattoo from when I first got it, to compare it to the picture from this week and see how it has "aged".  The tattoo itself is fine, still bright and crisp and I still love it (the difference in color is because the first shot still had the scab on it). I was totally taken aback, though, by the difference in my body between the two photos.  I guess you don't notice how much your own body has changed over time unless you see a reminder. I don't remember exactly how much I weighed when I got the tatt, but it was likely double digits less than what I do now (which is kind of funny, because I actually originally planned to do it for my 21st birthday, but put it off for more than a year til I'd gained even that much weight.  I wish I could say this was entirely to make it a more legit recovery symbol, but to be honest it was partly because I was afraid the image would spread if I put on much weight after I got the ink. Okay maybe I lied, that is not funny, sad perhaps).

Anyway, the basic point is that I weigh significantly more now than I did then.  And the key point is that it didn't strike me until this morning just how damn much more attractive that is (not to sound conceited, because we're still talking about this on a relative scale).  So much for the diet industry's constant message that thin is always good but thinner is always better. 

 I think over the past year or so I've just come to appreciate so much how beautiful a woman's body--every woman's body, whether you think you're pretty or not--can be when it doesn't look like a bundle of sticks, and when the person occupying the body doesn't feel like death warmed over.  When I look at my "then and now" tatt portraits, it really makes me feel even more resolved that I never want to slide back into that anorexic hell again.  I hope that doesn't sound vain, because it's not just about appearance.  On a typical day, no one in the world except me will see that tattooed hip. But the emergent point is that I feel so much better, in every aspect of health, and so much stronger and happier with my body, than when the first picture was taken.  I think the lesson is more that health is beautiful and empowering than that any specific shape is something to strive towards.  Okay was that sentiment cheesy enough for you? Haha.  'Tis true, though. And it makes me a little less freaked out about actually listening to my team and letting myself add some more weight if needed.

Then:                                                                Now:

Fun Break

Did the photo session today, and you know what? It was actually a hell of a lot of fun, and I think Match is going to like the photos.  It took me a while to "warm up to the camera," but we put on cheesy pop songs and he gave me lots of positive encouragement and we ended up having a blast. I'm actually going to do another session with the guy on Sunday, because the weather today wasn't good enough for some outdoor shots that he wanted.

Stern D. Session

So I had a topic planned for a different post today, but now I'm kind of musing about this morning's session with D.  Since I'm moving soon, this was our second-to-last session, and I think she's trying to make some strong points to keep me motivated and on top of things over the summer.

In other words, it was a pretty hard, blunt session.  Nothing that I probably didn't deserve, though.

(note that I DO talk about weight in this post, and don't use any numbers but refer to broad BMI categories.  If there is any chance this will trigger you, PLEASE don't read this).
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One thing D. did was make me calculate (in front of her) my estimated daily energy output (BMR + standard adjustment for being up and moving around + cals burned in my current workout routines).  And honestly, as rigidly as I manage all the calories that I take in, I was surprised at how much higher the output number was than I'm currently taking in every day, or what I think I've *ever* taken in on a daily basis.  (I AM maintaining my weight solidly, my body is obviously just used to compensating for the deficit).  She also hammered on how in order to gain weight, I need to actually increase my food intake, because she thinks decreasing exercise (while still being very important to do) won't affect my weight significantly.  This was thought-provoking but didn't really do much to ease my mind about eating more, because it was a reminder that weight gain/loss/maintenance isn't always a function of a strict equation, and that just freaks out both my inner scientist and my inner ED slave.

Then she gave me the sternest weight lecture I've had in a while.  Reminder: I have NOT lost weight recently. I weigh more now than I did when I first moved back to College City last year. I didn't even drop any over the course of all the travel I did this semester. My BMI isn't as high as it's ever been, but is still higher than it's been for the majority of my adult life.  So those are my points, with the tacit acknowledgment that I can afford to gain more weight. Her point, actually, seemed a bit confusing to me.  She insisted I was keeping myself at an "anorexic weight" while also emphasizing how close I am to the "normal" BMI range.  I hate the term "anorexic weight", because I think an ED is just as real and legitimate whether you're clinically underweight or not. I think I've also stopped thinking of myself as an anorexic, too, just as someone with a long-term fucked up relationship with food (ED-NOS, if you must apply a label). At one point I was definitely a textbook anorexic, but these days my lifestyle is much different, and I think a lot of those categories are arbitrary after a certain point anyway.

I got the impression that D. thinks I'm intentionally holding myself at this weight because I am afraid of not being Underweight on paper anymore.  In other words, I think she was arguing for the psychological value of me gaining the remaining pounds needed to push me into Normal BMI.  She made it sound as if the BMI category was more significant that my actual weight.

She is right that I haven't been hugely motivated to gain more weight, since I feel fine, can actually buy (and fill out) clothes in real adult sizes now, and am at a point at which I'm not having the health issues I was earlier in the weight gain process. If that sounds like a list of excuses, it probably is.  For me, the weight restoration process has been very stop-and-go.  After a couple of fast-gain periods that resulted in spectacular relapses earlier in my ED history (pre-blog), I put weight back on very slowly this time around.  And, contrary to the "2 extra Oreos a year equals ten pounds a year indefinitely" type warnings we hear from all of the commercial diet gurus, bodies aren't incredibly linear with their weight management. I tend to hit plateaus about every 5 pounds.  Meaning, for Meal Plan X, I will gain weight for a little while and then just maintain at an underweight plateau until I boost the plan again. Pass the damn Oreos.

Anyway, I happen to be at one of those plateaus right now, and have been for pretty much all of 2012. I hadn't really given it much thought, to be 100% honest.  My clothes fit, I look like a real life unsick person, I'm not restricting, D. hadn't been mandating that I boost my intake, and so I guess I was just sort of complacent. I don't think complacency is necessarily okay or a valid excuse for lack of progress, but there was no intentional holding back in order to stay out of a certain BMI category.  So I felt like part of D.'s platform today was a little misguided, while also acknowledging that I probably should be making more of an effort to gain my last few pounds.

Anyway, I do think that in other parts of our session she effectively drove home the point that I've been too complacent (the word of the day, it appears) with holding onto certain ED behaviors because I can do that and still 'get by', instead of trying to really eject the ED from my life.  I think that's true. I still structure my day around a pretty rigid eating/exercise schedule. I really do want to be a normal person with a more flexible relationship with food, and am honestly going to try to establish a more normalized lifestyle when I get to PhD City in the fall, and also over the summer when I'm staying with family.  I've been cutting back on the cardio time on my own over the past few weeks, and have a goal for a much lower daily amount to become the routine in my new city.

Allllright, this was a ton of ramble.  Today's session gave me a lot to think about.  I hope none of this sounds like I'm justifying lack of progress, I'm acknowledging that lack and just trying to explain some of the factors I guess.  The only thing I really disagreed with was the weight (no pun intended) D. seems to think I give to BMI categories, which isn't true as I recognize how arbitrary they can be.

After that mess of musing, I bet you wish I'd just stuck with posting corny text messages, right?

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I'm having one of those days in which my self-confidence, self-esteem, and general level of positive outlook could fit nicely into this space: ( ).

Off to go in for a critique session of defense talk with my overly pain-medicated and increasingly erratic adviser, I'm sure that will improve things...





(what a whiner! promise to have a real post soon.)

Just Add Water

Match and I had a bit of a tense patch yesterday (I really don't know why, I think we were just both overworked and quiet and cranky), and I griped to my mom about it.  A few hours later, I texted her to let her know I'd called him and made nice and he perked up and everything was fine.  Cue classic motherly wisdom:

"Honestly, men are like plants.  You fill a few basic needs, and they typically respond predictably and do just fine. Both are bit needy for groups that supposedly dominate the planet, but go figure." 

Not a bad basic approach, I suppose.